My November Memory

It was yesterday and a half... and several years... probably a few days, too. To be specific, it was sometime in the past. I was younger.

My school’s annual “Secret Santa Shop” had just opened. There were some mini dinosaur erasers that I, for who knows why, had to have.

I asked my mom for some money. She told me to ask my dad.

So I decided to steal the money out of the coin tray of my brother's car.

There was enough to buy all of the erasers.

... which I did...

A little while after I got back from school that day, my brother threw my bedroom door open and started yelling, I don't remember exactly what.

I was busy counting my erasers.

Spiritual Reawakening

Shortly after my recurrent major depression hit again a few months ago, I decided that I didn't really believe in God and all those "no-see-ums" that once guided my life.

I figured I was on my own.

And you know what?

Nothing really changed. Things went on as normal.

Lately, though, I started to miss those things I once labeled as "spiritual." I started to pray, meditate, and what-not again.

After everything, I would say that I do believe in God and those "no-see-ums." And I believe God is there not to coerce, mandate, or dictate but to guide and supplement our lives -- whether we believe or not -- so that we will know what we can do to live the most meaningful lives.

Referring to Ned's question, "Tell us about your most memorable dreams. Who and what do they involve, what do you feel and what do you think they mean?" : I'm going to leave out, if you'll forgive me, the specifics of my most memorable dreams, the ones that left a strong impression on my mind, but they are a part of the reason why I do believe in things spiritual.

They left me feeling like someone or something is out there watching over me, concerned, and directing me.

As I look back on my life, it's difficult for me to believe otherwise.

I forget

I've forgotten about one of my other hobbies: creative writing.

It had been a while since I had written anything new, so I decided (in my state of insomnia yesternight and tonight) to see if I still could write a poem.

While I may not be a master poet, I am rather pleased and do quite enjoy what I came up with; I feel it's one of my most intricate poems to date.

And while I write for myself, I do know of at least one poetry aficionado who may read this post and who may also enjoy what I've written, so I'll play the cliché blogger and post my poem here:

Untitled

Tempest shod, he mourns the ice
Wherewith the gritted frost
Took his life through rotten means,
Cold and spoiled by torrent’s blood,
Bashed and pried by peeling thoughts.
As limpid breaths on brittle panes
His name is spelled as shot
Morose of baptized red-ing white
Such bought with frozen wings, his plight
To forever wrest on puddled knees.

French Musicals

I had a few more questions & comments from my previous post, and although I answered a couple via comments, I thought I would re-answer them in an official post:

How can you stand their singing [in French Musicals]? Most French musical stars can't carry a tune in a bucket.

I'm no expert in singing -- and I, perhaps, can't carry a tune in a bucket -- but I quite enjoy most of my French musicals (some songs not so much).

Have you seen "8 Femmes"?

I have. In fact, I used to own it several years ago, but then I hit my, "I have to be super righteous so God will make me straight; I better throw away all R-rated movies I own" phase, and out it went.

What French musicals are in your collection?

Ali Baba (Highlights CD & DVD)
Cindy (Integral CD & DVD)
Cléopâtre La Dernière Reine D'Egypte (Highlights CD)
Les Dix Commandements (Highlights CD & DVD)
Don Juan (Integral CD & DVD)
Dracula: Entre l'amour et la mort (DVD)
Émilie Jolie (Integral CD & DVD)
Gladiateur (DVD)
Mozart: L'Opéra Rock (Highlights CD)
Notre Dame de Paris (Integral CD & DVD)
Le Petit Prince (Integral CD & DVD)
Le Roi Soleil (Integral CD & DVD)
Roméo & Juliette (Highlights CD & DVD)
Tristan & Yseult (Highlights CD)

(...I think I remembered them all...)

Wish List:
Kirikou et Karaba DVD
Cléopâtre La Dernière Reine D'Egypte DVD -- coming out December 11
Le Soldat Rose DVD -- I could probably live without this one, though.
Mozart: L'Opéra Rock Integral CD

I have Romeo et Juliette, which I quite like; Les Parapluies de Cherbourg, which is one of my favorite movies; and Notre Dame de Paris (I like some of the songs, but the staging of it was just weird).

Roméo et Juliette is probably my second favorite (Don Juan being my first). I've never seen Les Parapluies de Cherbourg; I'll have to check it out.

I have to agree, the staging in Notre Dame de Paris is rather weird; I would definitely go a different way in most things, but I totally stole what I call the open jazz square from "La Fête des Foux" ; it appears every once in a while in my choreography -- in fact, I just taught it to my 8-11 year-old tap class.

More Answers

Thanks, Abe & Frank, for the pity questions... (I'm such a hypocrite, whining [not really] about the lack of questions when I didn't ask anyone questions, myself.)

Anyway, here are the answers (I'm still saving Ned's previous 3rd question for a later post where I can talk a little more in detail):

Hobbies?

Collecting French Musicals (on CD & DVD... well, when I had the money, anyway).

Teaching myself new things.

... lately... wasting my time watching anime (InuYasha & Naruto... I love Naruto -- the show, I'm not crushing on the character).

Favorite passtime?

Pondering.

Hopes and dreams for the future?

My greatest dream is and always has been to find a spouse with whom to raise a family.

If you knew you were going to die in your sleep tonight - what would you want to do today?

Go to bed early.

What's with the number underneath your swimming arrows logo? Did you design the logo? Are those arrows or something else?

The logo is the "Green Dot". I don't know what the numbers are (maybe some sort of license number or something?). I found the logo in a set of photoshop brushes I downloaded from somewhere. I thought it fit with the word "greenly" -- the font for the letters is called "chalked."

Do you see anything erotic in it? Was that intentional or just a happy accident?

Heh... I do now... I didn't see it until you asked... so I guess I would have to go with a happy accident.

What has been the most important lesson you have learned in your life so far?

I can trust myself.

The Answers

Thanks, Ned, for asking me questions... I would have felt like a real loser if nobody did... (okay, not really).

Anyway, here are the answers:

1) Long ago I asked you something and you asked me to guess, and I didn't guess right and so you withheld the answer. Will you please tell me now?

Ammon -- if I remember your question correctly.

2. What is the origin of the term Greenly Chalked? What does it mean? Am I the only one to ask this?

It's just random nonsense that I thought sounded kind of poetic, and others have asked.

3. Tell us about your most memorable dreams. Who and what do they involve, what do you feel and what do you think they mean?

I'm actually going to answer this one in the next post (coming probably Sunday... but I make no promises) as it touches rather significantly on my recent experiences.

I'll Be a Lemming

Well, the whole "Ask me whatever you want, and I'll answer it" is making it's way around the blogs again, and since I'm feeling rather uninspired for any blog posts lately, I may as well follow the crowd.

So: Ask me whatever you want, and I'll answer it.

Granted, please keep in mind that I do teach youngsters who (and whose parents) can google my name and find this blog, so I do try to keep things PG (maybe PG-13 if I really feel inclined) rated.

I guess the rules also include the "feel free to ask anonymously or privately (my email's on my profile page)" invitation.

Should I ...

My oldest sister started a Facebook thread with my siblings living in Utah to suggest we get together this month for football, chili, and conversation.

I suggested we find a day that my unmarried sister's boyfriend can make it (we've yet to meet him), and my oldest sister said, "Everybody bring dates..."

Now, I'm not going to bring a date -- despite the fact that I don't have anyone I could ask, I don't want to cause waves.

But I am wondering if I should say something like, "For the sake of it being an enjoyable and non-confrontational get together, I'll refrain from bringing a date ;)."

However, I don't know if I should even mention anything at all. On one hand, it could open up the conversation to see how comfortable my siblings are with the idea of me dating guys or even acknowledging that I'm a homo; on the other hand, just saying something could cause waves... and I really just want peace right now.

I honestly have no idea how they would react... so, should I risk confrontation and say something or play it safe and just leave it be?

Bucket List II

12. Compete in ballroom again.
13. Find a composer for an idea I have for a ballet.
14. Get a grant for a nice commission for said composer.
15. Get a teaching degree.
16. Visit Europe.
17. Learn how to sew (and make patterns).
18. See a show on Broadway.
19. Rekindle my love for performing on stage.
20. Learn how to change the oil in my car.

What Have I Become?

I went to the store thinking, "I have some extra cash, and, by golly, I deserve a new toy, maybe a new video game; I haven't gotten one of those in a while."

...

I bought laundry detergent, jet dry, and febreeze.

...

What's happening to me?

Shame

There are two songs that I enjoy that I'm kind of ashamed of liking.

And since I'm all about sharing my shame here on this blog, here they are:

'I Gotta Feeling,' Black Eyed Peas

'Lying is the Most Fun,' Panic! At the Disco

More Dancing

I've been thinking (for quite a while, actually) of getting together a bunch of people to start a just-for-fun dance group.

Now that I have the facilities, it's really only a matter of finding people who would want to (and would want to drive all the way out to Tooele about once a week for it).

Any takers?

(No dance experience required, but a strong desire to dance and learn how to dance a must.)

Dancing With Tyra

Last night I dreamed I was on Dancing With the Stars, partnered with Tyra Banks.

We dance the International Cha Cha Cha.

My extremely innovative choreography stunned the audience and judges with its awesomeness... or they were overly amazed that, somehow, I was tall enough to dance with Tyra.

Walls Without Borders

I want to live in a world where white chocolate is treated equally to dark, milk, and semi-sweet chocolate -- even though I'm not a fan of white chocolate.

It's how I roll.

I'll Show You My Theme

Abe has yet again mandated a theme for another month ... fearing the reapercussions [sic], I thought it should be my first October blog post.

Granted, I think I've been rather telling in my blogging where I am now. Nonetheless, let me recap:

I didn't used to drink milk when I ate chocolate cake or brownies. Now I almost always have to dri... wait... what's the theme again?

Oh yeah... where I am in my journey.

To keep things brief*: I'm now working on finally dealing with my depression in a healthy, reasonable way.

I don't know if I'm happy that I'm where I am... I would rather not have to deal with depression... and in my severe depression, I kind of want to be done with everything and anything... but I am happy that I'm finally dealing with things with a reasonable, my health and sanity are first attitude.

As far as any advice I would give to someone in my same situation: see my masturbation post as far as how to know who you are... as far as dealing with depression: seek professional help... don't try to handle things on your own... I mean, can you really trust a crazy person to help you through being crazy??

To any parents/siblings/etc.: Obedience without actually looking and knowing for yourself is how innocent people are massacred... not just die/killed... massacred. Be your own eyes, and if what you're seeing isn't what 'they' are saying... think about it. I mean, really, look at what's ACTUALLY happening and think about it.

... but seriously, why did it take me so long to realize the fabulous-ness of milk and brownies?!

*Sorry O-Mo, that doesn't mean there'll be pictures of me in my briefs...

Heart to Heart

I had forgotten how much I 'heart' Genesis.

In fact, I had forgotten that the very first dance I ever choreographed was to 'No Son of Mine.' It was for one of my G.I. Joe action figures (I was ~10).

... and if I had seen that music video back then, I probably would have "really wanted to be friends" with the kid.

She Does (Piano Version)

I went to the store with the intent to buy a bunch of junk food and gorge on sugar and chocolate.

...

I bought bread, milk, & berries.

...

When did I become this person?

Staring Down (Acoustic Version)

Earlier this month, Abe proposed that the September Blog Topic be "Masturbation."

My philosophy is the same for this topic as it is for all issues:

Be wary of anyone who would tell you what God expects of you. The only person who can truly know what God expects of you is you.

Be a person of integrity and sincerity, and you'll be able to trust yourself to be guided by your own conscience.

Those who tell you that you cannot fully trust yourself are those who don't fully trust you, themselves. I would hope that you would, therefore, wonder if this is the kind of support you should be seeking.

If I held their attitude as a dance instructor, none of my students would ever be able to dance freely, would be bound by the routines I derive for them. Truly, the only reason why I would ever want to do this would be for selfish (i.e. retaining students, making money, remaining in a higher standing than my students) or vain (i.e. I am privy to special knowledge that the students will be unable to discern without my explicit guidance, their personal style will never be as great as my style, they need my protection and guidance) reasons.

My goal as a teacher is to train students who can dance independent of my instruction, develop their own styles... to be guided by their own artistic conscience.

It is my philosophy that integrity trumps obedience. Indeed, seek out integrity and you will find the divine.

Hymn For My Father

My pa and I don't always see eye to eye.

He's an "obedience first" kind of guy.

I'm a "logic first" kind of guy.

However, all things considered, he is an exemplary guy, and I really would be fortunate to end up half the man he is.

Love

While I love dance, while I love programming, while I love French, while I love acting, while I love baking, while I love Math, and while I love a myriad of many other things, I think I would say my greatest passion is teaching.

And teaching my other passions ... it's been great thus-far.

I hope it sticks.

I do have a tendency to get tired of something after a few months, when things get to be more and more routine.

A few differences that hopefully will make *the* difference:

1. I am my own boss;
   
2. I have a fantastic business partner & team;
   
3. I work during the evening hours;
4. My schedule isn't the same each day;
   
5. There is absolutely *no* work for the sake of work; and
   
6. There's always something new to do/teach/learn.
   

Lighten Up

I had another anxiety-driven dream last night.

I think I really just need to get out and do something completely pointless, entertaining, and maybe a little crazy.

--
Bonus points to those who know what my next post title's going to be.

She Does

Someone told my friend that I'm not gay. She says I'm just confused because I'm a good dancer and artistic.

Thank goodness for third parties who have a solid understanding of who I am via a mere 10 minute conversation! She must be a genius.

I don't have to worry about all this angst & anxiety about my family anymore... phew!

Now that that's all cleared up, I can finally find me a wife!

Staring Down

I was walking, arm-in-arm, with my mother. We were going to church. I had a feeling like I shouldn't be going, but my mom wanted me to go, so I went with her.

As I sat down in the pew, I had to put my keys (I had a couple key-rings full) in my pocket. They jangled a little bit, and one of my older brothers shushed me.

me: Sorry, I had to put my keys in my pocket.

brother: I have keys, too, and they don't make any noise when I put them away.

me: Excuse me your majest... your holy majesty. I can' t put my keys away as quietly as you!

Then a friend of my little brother started to mimic me, but with a limp wrist. So I got all "So I'm gay, what's it to you!?" in his face... acting kind of like a gay hulk, all angry and bitchy and disrupting the entire service.

I hated how I was acting, so I just left; my mom followed me.

me: I'm sorry, Mom... I just -- I just can't go there anymore. It brings out the worst in me... please, don't expect that of me... please...

Then I was in the halls of a school. One of my old second graders was in the hall.

kid: Hey, I remember you! You're Mr. Pankratz!

me: [Kid]! How've you been?!

All of the sudden, the kid was underneath a lunch table, his lower body like shredded chicken, blood everywhere.

me: Wha ... ?!

some random girl: What happened?

me: I don't know.

As I looked at the girl, I could tell that she wanted to marry me, and I was wondering how I could make it work as I woke up.

Understanding

While listening to Dr. Laura the other day, I had a thought about the "ideal parenting couple."

Those of you who are familiar with Dr. Laura know that she holds a very strong stance that a boy needs a male father to show the child how to become a man, a girl needs a female mother to show the child how to become a woman, and a child needs both a male father and female mother to show the child how one should interact with the opposite gender.

In other words, role models are essential to a child, and (according to those like Dr. Laura) such role modeling, ideally, should come from a child's parents.

Now, I would agree with the former statement, "role models are essential to a child."

However, if we stick to "role modeling, ideally, should come from a child's parents," we may run into a few problems -- gay children, for example.

If we stick to this 'ideal' that a child's role model should, ideally, be his/her parent, then all gay children should be removed from any straight parents and place in the homes of gay parents (even if we stick to the belief that a gay person should marry heterosexually -- a gay child, therefore, should be raised by a gay parent of the same gender heterosexually married to have the ideal role model).

Children in wheelchairs ideally should be raised by parents in wheelchairs.

Children with cancer ideally should be raised by parents with cancer.

Ah, but, we're talking about the most core characteristic of humanity: our gender... right?

How a young boy deals with cancer stems from said boy's identity as a male... right?

Get a young girl strong in her identity as a female, and she'll be able to handle anything... right?

... or would they still need a role model?

So, let's say that a role model is ideal for any given situation.

The question, therefore, is whether or not being a parent superlatively enhances the effectiveness of being a role model; therefore, making a parent the ideal role model. If so, and if we are, truly, fighting for the ideal situations for children, then should we not be fighting to pair up children with their ideal role models for each child's personal situation?

Or, perhaps, an ideal role model is merely one in the same situation as the child, be she a parent, he a neighbor, or they a community of those in the same situation?

My Days

I am loving the weather right now.

Overcast and windy... just like some of the most memorable Sundays of my childhood.

My most memorable were rainy and/or filled with lightning storms.

You

Well, I am finally over [Him].

I am now without a crush; I'm also without a best friend (she got a boyfriend).

... if I weren't such a hermit, I would think that I'm lonely...

Ah, hell, I'm lonely, hermit or not.

Maybe I should get a pet skunk or something.

For tonight, though, America's Next Top Model and Glee! will have to do.

Dig

I've been thinking about making a "bucket list" -- completely unrelated to my current flair up of depression... but, maybe in relation to my current flair up of depression, I don't know if I can even think of 10 things I'd want to do before I die.

But I'll try to think of at least ten (no particular order):

1. Finish writing a non-short story.
2. Find a team to create one of my ideas for a computer game.
3. Fall in love.
4. Become a dad.
5. Gain at least 15 pounds.
6. Visit Europe.
7. Become fluent in French.
8. Develop & test my idea for learning a new language.
9. Learn how to swim.
10. Go camping.

11. Think of 89 more things that I want to do before I die.

Fuzzy

or "I can't shake it; I just can't shake it tonight."

Oh the joys of recurrent major depressive disorder. You think you're doing well for a few months, even a whole year, and BAM!, out of nowhere, you're back to the "where can I stand to best increase my chances of being obliterated by lightning?" thoughts.

Things are even looking fantastic for me. The academy I've been building up with my friend is looking nothing but promising, and working for myself has been infinitely better than any other job I've ever had. There's no work for the sake of work. I am in charge of what I create, and there is always something new to create in dance.

The more I've worked for other people, the more I've realized that I was going to have to find a way to be my own boss, and I think (I hope, I hope, I hope) I've finally landed that ideal situation for me. I really think our (my friend and my) business plan is solid, the biggest problem we're going to face, from the way things are going right now, is not being able to expand quickly enough. That is, we presently don't have the resources to build the facilities we would need to not only fully bring our vision to fruition but to also hold all the classes our students will be ready for just next year!

If there's a problem we have to face, I think this is the one of the best ones.

Again, the future looks very exciting for me...

... yet, it takes all of my energy just to get out of bed. I'm constantly tired, yet can't sleep; I can't concentrate on anything for very long. I feel naught but worthless... and I just want it all to end, to be done with. I don't care about the exciting future ahead of me; I don't want a frickin' future.

It's all quite non sequitur -- which is why I'm going to see a therapist. Things are still just in the moderate stage, and I want to avoid the severe stage like an STD.

Hopefully I'll be able to finally learn how to deal with this disorder... and, with all due respect to a certain religion... I think I have a better chance this time as I'm not worrying what a certain group of suited gentlemen would have me do.

Welcome All Again

I decided that I should probably go see a therapist again.

It's not even like anything's crappy in my life right now, either... I guess that's just the joys of recurrent major depressive disorder.

In other news, I'm going to be choreographing a Fosse-inspired piece ("Who's Got the Pain?") for a local high school's upcoming musical production of Damn Yankees.

I'm excited.

Another First

My oldest niece just had a baby boy this morning, and I am, for the first time, a Great Uncle!

... well, I've always been a great uncle...

And then...

... several what-the-hell??s later you realize that one of those scrapped methods shouldn't have been scrapped, after all.

And you thank the 0s and 1s that you just commented everything out and kept the source of the previous three versions.

Does Not Compute

Have you ever been programming and thinking, "There has got to be a more efficient way of going about this... but I don't feel like figuring it out." ?

And then, twelve methods and several days later (exaggeration), it hits you exactly how to be more efficient, so you write one method that scraps all the other twelve.

And you want to pound your head against your keyboard in a fury of angst for having wasted so much time, not having sat down and thought things through...

... but then you realize that those twelve other methods were actually what led you to the more ideal method and better understanding not only of how to solve the problem but of how the language, itself, works...

Deep.

I know.

It's the Last Midnight

Well, my dance academy's classes start next week.

Wish me well!

If you want... I won't force you. I've actually come to not expect any well-wishing from anyone.

Not that there aren't those who, indeed, sincerely wish me well (especially, I would dare say those of you who actually read my blog).

I've just stopped expecting it... I haven't decided if that's sad or not.

Cynical, yes.

But, then, what is a Chedner if not cynical?

I Need a Tan

... that's it.

Cookies

Intro:
Jim & Jenny are siblings. Jenny & Jim's parents gave Jenny a cookie for cleaning her room. Jim cleaned his room, too, but he didn't get a cookie.

Cookies
a scene by Andrew Martin Pankratz

Jim: Why does Jenny get a cookie for cleaning her room and I don't?

Parents: Because girls are better at cleaning rooms.

Jim: But my room is just as clean as Jenny's!

Parents: That can't be true because you're a boy and Jenny's a girl. But don't worry, if you want a cookie, you can fix your bike's chains. Boys are good at that.

Jim: I can't put the chains back on the gears! I tried, and I just can't...

Parents: You just need more practice and to get stronger. You need more vegetables, not a cookie!

Jim: I don't even like riding my bike!! I like playing in my room! And I always eat all my vegetables, and Jenny doesn't. It's not fair! I cleaned my room just as well as Jenny, and you won't even look at it because I'm a boy. I should get a cookie like Jenny!!

Parents: Your tone is very inappropriate, Jim. Life's not always fair. We're not against you tidying up your room, but you're a boy, and boys should be rewarded for doing boy things. Boys should be outside. Girls should be inside. Boys should be fixing things. Girls should be cleaning things. We reward you for doing what we expect of you.

Jim: Well, what you expect is dumb!

Parents: That is enough! Go to your room, young man!

How my mind works sometimes...

Me (while brushing my teeth): Ugh... my tummy hurts from eating too many chocolate chips.

...two seconds pass...

Me (spitting): What did I eat to make my spit brown?

... two minutes pass...

Me (flossing): ... idiot...

Dear Andrew,

You know that horribly messy room... yeah, the one downstairs?

You should go clean it.

*loves*
Andrew

Retirement?

Well, my posts have been few and far between lately. Starting up a nonprofit corporation which I hope will be super spectacular sure does take a lot of time & energy. It's been great, if not yet lucrative -- the first tuition due date isn't until the first of September. The student body numbers are looking really good, and we're quite optimistic for huge success.

Anyway, due to my lack of posting lately, I'm kind of wondering if people still read this blog and are still interested in little ol' Chedner and his escapades as an entrepreneur instead of little ol' Chedner and his escapades trying to reconcile his gaydom with the creeds of his religion.

Speaking of religion, I really don't know where I stand, religious-wise, anymore... I guess I'm not too concerned about my eternal destiny. I figure I'll live the best life I possibly can live, and if that's not good enough for God, be there one, then God's kind of an a-hole diva, and I'd rather not have to live with that for the rest of eternity.

I mean, really, if, come judgement day, you hear, "Yeah... you know what... you didn't wear the right kind of underwear to get into the top tier of heaven..." are you going to take that seriously? I wouldn't. I would laugh and say, "Yeah... which way to the farthest away from you?"

Don't get me wrong, it can be cool to belong to an exclusive club -- I mean, how else are you goinng to know you're better than everyone else? But it just doesn't seem very practical to me.

But, I digress. What I'm trying to get at is: Is this the retirement of Chedner, the blogger? It's not that I don't have anything to blog about -- there's always something to blog about, whether it be some philosophical pondering or some inane, yet whimsical, thought. I just wonder if I have an audience for my new self, the less angsty, mostly business Chedner.

I guess I'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I must retire... to bed.

ciao

Dreams DO Come True!

It has been a childhood dream of mine to be able to read every issue of the Uncanny X-Men.

That dream, my friends... [pause for tears of geek-joy]... is coming to fruition.

In other news: Ben & Jerry's Cream Cheese Brownies ice cream... pretty derned good. I am debating whether or not it's my favorite. Its competitor: Karmel Sutra. Mission to Marzipan could easily be my favorite if the non-marzipan parts weren't so so-so and if the marzipan veins ran more plentifully.

In other other, somewhat related to the original other news: I made some naan today; it was pretty good. I wish I had the stuff to make some curry to go with it, but the naan was good, naan-the-less (badum-ching).

Health Care & Charity

The following is from the blog post, Letter to a "friend" about health care, specifically from the email Dave's friend sent to Dave about Obama's proposed health care plan:

We also can be and often are a charitable people. Government should not have the right or power to make our choices or our charitable contributions for us.

Now, to be completely honest, I'm not a big fan of putting politics at the head of, well, anything. However, relying on people to freely act charitably isn't working. Truth be told, more often than not, people simply aren't charitable.

I'm speaking from personal experience (by "personal experience" I mean I need to see a doctor but can't afford it -- not that I, more often than not, simply am'nt [sic] charitable... I do try to be truly charitable in my every day practice).

In my last two posts, I mentioned a slight numbness on the right side of my body. Although it's let up a little bit on my upper body, my right foot is starting to feel more and more numb each day, and my concern has been affecting my already out-of-whack sleeping schedule (if you can call it a schedule). To compound the situation, as I'm getting more sleep deprived and exhausted, my depression, anxiety, and OCD are flaring up significantly.

To put it solemnly, I'm worried.

But I'm at the beginning of starting up my own business, so I have no insurance and no money. I am completely at the mercy of these fabled "charitable" people... meaning, I'm pretty much screwed.

I honestly don't have anyone to turn to. The people who would help me can't afford it... and the people who can afford it... well, from my experience, asking them for financial help comes with strings -- either in the form of a debt owed or stock in how I'm to live my life.

... I have more to say, but it's just going to end up as a me venting about... well, I'll keep even the specific topic of my frustration behind a held tongue...

I should be trying to get some sleep now, anyway.

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad...

Luckily, my car only had a loose hose, and it only cost me $24 to replace all the automatic transmission fluid that spewed out.

I still don't know why half of my body is kind of numb -- and, yes, I'm still numb... I'll give it two more weeks, and then I'll go see the doctor... not that any of you showed concern... jerks (I'm only joking).

In other news, the dance studio for my school is coming along nicely (thanks, O-Mo, for your help with the floor). Installing hardwood is a lot more time consuming than I was anticipating -- but then again, I am pacing myself quite generously so I don't get burned out.

I'm also swinging out of a short relapse of depression. I'm not 100% sure how I got there; although, it felt chemical/hormonal/biological/other-redundant-word. Maybe, like my car, something became disconnected and gunk spewed all over things upon which it was never intended to be spewed... maybe that's why I'm numb...

Anyway, that's pretty much been it for me -- spewing chemicals and dance floors.

Exciting, I know.

I guess I could comment on the recent hullabaloo that went down at the Main Street Plaza... but, lately, I'd sooner throw someone through a window than talk about this [insert preferred expletive in adjective form here] war.

I hope this isn't the start of a downpour

The entire right side of my body has been slightly numb since around 4 AM Wednesday. I've also been having rather odd mood swings since. This morning I woke up somewhat nauseous and spent a little more than three consecutive hours in the bathroom due to a seemingly angry GI tract. (I'm thinking it may be a migraine without pain or a vitamin B-12 deficiency ... those are the best options -- unless I had a stroke that I don't about -- I could find from the good ol' "trustworthy" Dr. Internet.)

Furthermore, last night, as I was driving home from my sister's house in Draper (this is the short story), my car finked out on me and is now sitting in a parking lot (hopefully it's still there; it could have been towed away by now) waiting for my brother to be able to go take a look at it tomorrow morning. (I'm thinking it has something to do with the transmission ... that's the best option my ignorant gay male mind that knows nothing about cars could consider.)

You know the saying, "When it rains it pours" ... I'm not saying that it's really pouring right now, 'cause, really, nothing really horrible is happening. Even if I end up without a car, I don't live too far away from my studio. I'm just saying that I hope this isn't the start of a downpour.

Determined

I am determined to get over [Him].

Wish me luck.

Years of Depression and My Teeth

Well, after almost a decade of severe depression, having had no desire to really take care of myself, my teeth are in not so good of shape... and by "not so good of shape" I mean $6K's worth.

Luckily, my dentist's son wants to learn Tap, so I'll be paying via trade for most of it. However, I'm back in debt a few thousand dollars because of my teeth.

To be completely honest, it's difficult not to want to sue the Mormon church to pay for all this. My years of wanting to kill myself, not being able to take care of myself, are directly its fault. My family's unwillingness to help me out financially is owed to the slander and libel spouted by the Mormon church. I wouldn't be out to get more than what I've had to pay as a result of being damaged and defamed by the Church.

Unfortunately, I probably don't have a legal case, even though this bill -- and several others -- justly belongs in the hands of the Mormon leaders.

Dear Utah,

Thank you for holding Spring this year. I am loving it.

Sincerely,
Andrew Martin Pankratz

Madonna on Gay Mormons

You know how Mamma Mia! is a musical written around several Abba songs? Well, I've an idea for a musical written around several of Madonna's songs (about being a gay Mormon, of course). Here is the skeletal concept (I've a lot more ideas, such as dialogue in between the songs, but I'm just sticking to the bare necessities to get my idea across) of the first act:

ACT I

Scene I. Main Character (MAIN)'s Bedroom, early morning. MAIN is kneeling next to his bed, praying. Two groups of people are on stage, one representing the main character's gay side (GAYS), the other group representing the main character's Mormon side (MORMONS).

MORMONS
You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

GAYS
You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

BOTH
Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

MORMONS
Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

GAYS
Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

BOTH
Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

If I could melt your heart

Scene II. Transitioning from MAIN's bedroom to classroom. ENSEMBLE singing.

Scene III. BYU Classroom.

Hung Up (scene focusing on flirting between the boys and girls in class)

[Dialogue between MAIN and his girlfriend (GIRLFRIEND) over cell phone. gist: MAIN's friends (BRIDE & GROOM) are getting married at MAIN's hometown -- where GIRLFRIEND is. MAIN will fly in for the reception.]

Scene IV. ??. Girlfriend singing alone.

Scene V. Wedding Reception.

[MAIN is distant from GIRLFRIEND. MAIN meets HIM. Dialogue ensues. MAIN & HIM part. HIM, GAYS, and MORMONs sing (I'd post the lyrics to show who sings what, but I can't find any I can just copy and paste).]

[BRIDE & GROOM's song follows; song is made to be obviously applicable to HIM and MAIN; HIM and MAIN sing several lines (again, I would post how it would be, but I can't find any lyrics I can just copy and paste... I'm lazy, so sue me).]

Scene VI. Possibly Church Parking Lot, Outside Reception. Song sung by GIRLFRIEND to MAIN.

[Dialogue between MAIN and GIRLFRIEND. gist: "Probably best to see other people." Everyone starts heading home. Song sung by MAIN, GIRLFRIEND, and HIM.]

Scene VII. Scene is constantly changing between MAIN talking with Bishops/Stake Presidents, sitting in Sacrament meeting, hanging out with HIM, hanging out with GIRLFRIEND, etc. Scene ends in MAIN's bedroom. MAIN is singing.

Scene VIII. MAIN's bedroom. MAIN is, once again, kneeling by his bed, praying.

[ENSEMBLE sings. Staging has to indicate struggle with religion... not 100% sure what I want...]

[MAIN sings, bottle of pills in hand.]

[MAIN swallows all pills in bottle.]

END ACT I

All I have of Act II so far is the first song:

[MAIN awakens]

"Luckily, I'm immune to such things."

My little brother went on a "it wasn't a date, we just hung out" yesterday. He didn't want anyone in the family to know. Some of my brothers enjoy teasing and constantly prodding to know if there have been more dates/what-not.

I laughingly told him, "Luckily, I'm immune to such things."

The thing is, I think it's quite the opposite of 'luckily.'

My little brother doesn't talk about the romantics of his life because he doesn't want to get teased.

I refrain from talking about the romantics of my life because I want to avoid contention.

You know what I would give just to sit down with my mom and talk about my lovesick heart right now?

... dieu que le monde est injuste...

Ordi

Say you are looking to buy a computer, the most state-of-art computer you can buy with a budget of $6,000, and say that you need this computer for whatever reason.

You go to two stores.

Both stores offer decent computers that would fit your budget, but for some reason, none of them really sit well with you or ideally fit your needs.

The first store does have a computer that you feel would be practically perfect... but it costs $10,000, and you would have to go into a rather undesirable debt in order to buy it. You're not sure if the debt would necessarily be worth it in the end, but the computer would be a dream come true and would make things much easier when it comes to your needs.

The second store offers you a deal. For your $6,000, they would promise you a computer that would surpass your greatest dreams (they have exclusive connections with the manufacturer); however, they don't have it yet, so you would have to use a loaner computer until they get it in (date of arrival unknown). The loaner computer doesn't really meet your expectations or needs in a computer.

What do you do?

Do you buy a $6,000 computer which may not be ideal and is barely sufficient, if at all?
Do you go into debt $4,000 to buy a dream computer which would make your work a lot easier?
Do you take the second store's offer?

Most importantly: Do you see what I'm getting at?

Funeral

The thoughts pervading of the dying youth
And things of which they speak of light, of truth
Will form the shell of this, the inner man

I wrote the above after reading something written by Hugh Nibley. If I remember correctly, he mentioned how we go through several deaths throughout our lives, for example, the death of our youth as we grow into adulthood.

I'm experiencing a death in my life. I feel ... molted and my tissue sensitively new. Although there's a sense of newly found strength, there's still that feeling of mourning that tends to linger after a loss, even if it be old skin.

Once again, I'm looking at my newer self and realizing I have a lot more dying to do before I become the man chrysalised [sic] the most deeply within. Sometimes I can feel disheartened, frustrated that I can't fly yet.

I feel like I'm standing alone in the universe... but it's not a "lonely" aloneness. It's a "nobody can help you figure this out" aloneness.

The only thing is, I don't know what I'm supposed to figure out. There is a sense, perhaps, that there's something about me that I just don't know yet. Something significant to me.

I've felt this periodically throughout my life, and it's just now that I've realized it's always been during these times of death. And with this each time comes an overwhelming need to create. Perhaps, though, such is specifically the point. I'm newly born, so to speak, what else is there to do with a new life... but create.

Endless Night

These past few weeks have been rather low for me.

I think I'm experiencing a mild form of PTSD -- very mild, mind you -- with being in another show as a chorus member. I've been having old emotions that I used to hide, with the help acting's guises, back in high school. That fear of being gay that I buried deep, deep inside me back then is all gushing up.

Rehearsals have become almost unbearable as, afterward, I experience what I never wanted to experience as a teenager.

I'll be very much relieved when this show is over on the 27th.

In other news, I've been needing to get my teeth taken care of for quite a while... and by "quite a while" I mean about 5 years. I was a little worried how much it was going to cost, but fortune smiled upon me, and my dentist's son has been dying to learn tap, so we'll be trading services.

It's times like these that make me hesitant to dismiss the existence of a God who is watching over me. But, I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure where I sit with such a concept right now.

I want to believe. It's nice to think that there's a purpose in all this, that one day we will all finally get what we deserve. It's nice to think that there's someone up there, who knows everything, calling all the shots. But, sometimes, I wonder if it's all just a nice little story that helps us sleep at night and push on through the daily drudge.

Don't get me wrong, though. It's not that I don't believe. It's just that I'm unsure right now. I still pray. I still read scriptures. I still meditate and ponder. And I'm not just "going through the motions." It's all sincere and honest.

I guess time will tell...

Were the World Mine...

... neither gets nor doesn't get my recommendation.

***

I wish I had the budget and dedication to put together the show in my head. I'm not saying, "I could have done so much better than Were the World Mine" but simply that I would like to see my idea, a musical, come to fruition.

I've been working on the script every now and then, but without a composer (or a prospect thereof) on my side, I haven't had much motivation to go very far with it. I'm not the best at writing lyrics to songs. My poems tend to be compact and sometimes not the easiest to digest quickly.

Plus, I actually don't know how to end it. It's roughly based on my life, and the ending sort of depends on how things pan out with [Him]... which could take the rest of my life...

... actually... in writing that, I think I know how to end it.

Yes. It is perfectly my style (and probably how things with [Him] are going to pan out).

Anyway, I'm just talking to myself right now. I'm hungry, and I need to go eat. All I've had today was a peanut butter sandwich.

Despair...

... is the fodder for hope.

Sometimes, in remembering who I am, I forget. But, sometimes, I think it's a good thing, forgetting who I am. It breaks the contentment and forces me to search for answers, answers I never really knew I needed.

It plows the field to prepare for a new crop of hope.

I wish I could say my new crop has completely sprouted. Some of it has, but I have the feeling that there's some more despair to feel before the entire field has germinated. I could be wrong.

I hope so.

On verra ...

Angst

Harumph. My sour mood has yet to be lifted.

Part of it, too, may a be that I'm feeling rather ill. Or I could be feeling rather ill because of my sour mood. I haven't decided which it is yet.

I don't know how much longer my low mood is going to last. I'm feeling pretty fed up with this fight. It's getting more and more frustrating whenever I have to watch what I say, especially when all that I would say is something like, "I'll probably be adopting two or three kids down the road, after I find someone."

I know, I know, it's "weak" to ask "why?" ... but why does my life have to cause so much contention?

And, yes, I know, it's not my life, it's others' attitudes and beliefs that are causing the contention.

Still, though, it makes me want to dropkick something through a window.

But I don't want to leave on a grumpy note... so...

Haha... ah, that makes me feel better.

I Think I Know

I think I know why I'm mourning.

On Wednesday, I turn 26, but I still feel like I'm 16. I feel like the last decade of my life was wasted. Wasted cowering in fear, scared, not knowing what to do, where to go, to whom to turn.

I'm mourning my 10 year death, all the experiences I could have had but didn't because I was consumed with the fear of being gay. I was consumed with the determination to prove to myself that I wasn't gay, to prove to myself that I could change, to prove to myself that I could live a celibate life, to prove to myself that... that I wouldn't be missed.

And the thing is, I don't know if I've figured anything out at all.

I still don't know that I've truly accepted that I am gay. I tend to ignore it in my everyday life...

I don't think I'm completely okay with who I am.

I hate having to hide it from my nieces and nephews. I hate not being able to talk about it with my family, with my parents. I hate how it's such a huge deal, a secret, a family shame.

I hate how it will merely be endured at best, that it makes most people in my family uncomfortable. I hate it when they tell me that they're happy that I don't "act gay." I hate being afraid to dress nicely or to comb my hair a certain way or having any visible "gay traits."

I really, really, really just hate being gay right now.

C.R.A.Z.Y. ...

... gets my recommendation.

(I'm referring to this movie.)

Where Gay Marriage Advocates Have It Wrong

"It's about love."

If this is the main argument and we allow gay marriage, then anyone proclaiming love (beastiality, pedophilia, for example) should be allowed a marriage license.

"It's about freedom of religion."

If this is the main argument and we allow gay marriage, then anyone wanting to refresh the definition of marriage due to religious beliefs (polygamy, for example) should be allowed a marriage license.

The focus should be on showing that gay marriage is maturely consensual, monogamous throughout life, a healthy alternative to any other lifestyle, and has the potential to successfully raise children if desired.

In my opinion, such a standard is what marriage is all about: a mature, consensual, monogamous, committed through thick and thin, healthy, responsible, parental relationship.

I suppose one could argue that "able to produce children within itself" could be added as a criterion.

And, since we would have to go off of generalities and the healthiest & most exemplary versions of relationships suing for the title of marriage, barren heterosexuals would have claim to marriage.

The question would be, though, whether or not the ability to produce children is essential to a successful marriage.

Does the ability to produce children make a couple more monogamous?

Does the ability to produce children make a couple more committed?

Does the ability to produce children make a couple stronger parents?

Does the ability to produce children make a couple more responsible?

Furthermore, it could be questioned whether or not the ability to reproduce within the couple itself is essential -- as opposed to using other means of reproduction, such as surrogacy.

Anyway and in sum, gay marriage advocates need to more clearly argue that a gay couple holds all of the essential attributes that contribute to a successful marriage (which would require a solid argument as to what contributes to a successful marriage).

Sure, love is important. It's also vital that standards do not respect any religious beliefs. However, those are just small pieces of the entire argument.

Granted, there have been some significant strides in the legalization of gay marriage, and I'm thinking it's going to be country-wide sooner than I had originally thought. But I think we need to do a better job arguing the case in order to ease the anxieties of those so ardently against gay marriage.

Granted the second, some people simply cannot be convinced -- those immune to logic and reason.

PreSorrow

It feels like I'm mourning but not yet.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well lately.

Maybe it's because I need marzipan.

Maybe it's because being a closeted straight boy has finally taken it's toll on me, and I need to come out and face the fact that I am not fabulously gay.

No... I don't know if I'm ready to face that horrible beast right now. I can't -- I just can't. It may just destroy me... or completely simply my life...

MOM-y Mohos

Mohos in mixed orientation marriages (or MOM-y mohos), I would say, don't fit into a separate category but belong to one of the four previously mentioned categories.

That is, there are the MOM-y mohos who are self-righteous, proudly proclaiming that their actions are the "Light and the Way; Follow my behavior and receive your exaltation!!!"

There are the MOM-y mohos who have gay lovers on the side (or act out gayly in some way), pinging back and forth between repentance and cheating.

Then there are the MOM-y mohos who are sitting somewhat on the fence about one thing or another, whether it be their marriages, the Church's stance on gay marriage, how to fulfill unmet needs without being unfaithful to their spouses, etc.

Oh, there are the cultural MOM-y mohos, too -- I know of at least one.

And there's perhaps the fifth kind of moho, the one who is simply content with everything; there's really no fence sitting. Whether they are hetero-ly married or single, they are simply faithful mormons who happen to be attracted to the same sex -- no big deal. (Maybe this should be the fourth and the cultural mohos the fifth.)


Now, I should mention that I don't intend to imply any judgments on any of type of moho. Okay, okay, in all honesty, I do think the self-righteous mohos are pricks (as I feel about all self-righteous people)... I guess I should work on that, but I'm already going to hell, so screw it.

As long as I'm being honest, I guess I should admit that I do think that the second kind of moho can be hypocritical -- which I disdain as equally as self-righteousness. And, no, I don't disdain the people. Granted, I don't respect them -- but I don't hate them.

Concerning the third kind of moho, though, I have no qualms. I don't think them spineless guppies who need to grow a pair and make a decision.

This decision was the most difficult decision to make for me, personally -- it almost cost me my life. I can totally empathize with the fence sitters.

The Third Moho

I failed to mention the third kind of moho -- the kind of moho I once was.

The third moho is the one sitting on the fence, not knowing what to do, waiting for God to carve an answer into stone tablets for them.

They may question some things about the Church but remain loyal to its counsels. They are usually sincere in simply wanting to do what is right.

Some are content with their limbo; others spend innumerable hours pouring over the scriptures and listening to every word of every Church official, hoping that something more understandable will be mentioned during the next General Conference.

I have no qualms with these mohos.

There's also the fourth kind of moho, the cultural moho -- those who have a Mormon past but don't really associate with the Church anymore.

Thoroption

My parents leave for the Netherlands in less than one month. For their going away party, they've asked my siblings to make dishes from their mission.

I thought about making rainbow jell-o or blue jell-o with a pineapple equal sign in the middle (or maybe white knot cookies or something) , but I don't think it would go over well.

What I Am

I've decided that I'm a Log Cabin Mormon.

I believe in the Church that was founded on April 6, 1830 in the log cabin of Joseph Smith, Sr.

I believe that any principle which was not essential for the official setup of the Church of Christ is not essential for our salvation. Note the word essential. Other principles may bring us a greater understanding of how salvation works and what-not; however, I cannot believe that any principle that was not a requisite for God to give Joseph Smith the go-ahead to make the Church official could be an official requisite for gaining exaltation.

Indeed, I believe everything that is required of us to gain eternal life is found within the Book of Mormon. Again, anything more may give us a greater understanding of what salvation looks like, but the guidelines to gain salvation are laid out clearly and plainly within the Book of Mormon.

This stems into my view of the Bible. Anything not reiterated within the Book of Mormon -- which is basically a reiteration of biblical teachings and nothing more or less -- is not from God but from man, including the interpretation of the sins of Sodom & Gomorrah.

I believe God's Plan of Happiness is simple, plain, and humble; is not a respecter of persons; was founded upon the principle of charity, the pure love of Christ; and intrinsically fosters a joyful reaction.

Any message proposing God's plan which grants anything but joy and gratitude in any sincere heart is, at best, weighed down with haughty purposes foreign to God's purity.

This is my proposed roughly drafted creed of the Log Cabin Mormon.

I'm probably the only one, but log cabins tend to be pretty small, anyway.

Why I'm No Moho

I've never been too keen on the word "moho" ("Mormon" +"homosexual" = "moho").

In my mind, a moho tends to be one of two types of people:

The first are they who proclaim "I lived the gay lifestyle, and I testify that the standards of the Church are where true happiness lies!" These are they to whom the General Authorities will listen. These are they that usually proclaim themselves as leaders, examples, and what-not as they ooze self-righteousness.

The second are they who sing "I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" for three months, hook up with random other mohos for a month, repent, and start singing all over again. These are they that are seen as "doing their best" and are often coddled by the members of the Church because of "how hard it must be."

Both make it extremely difficult for the kind of gay Mormon that I am.

The "gay lifestyle" of the first is not the lifestyle I am seeking (not to mention that self-righteousness is one of the least appealing traits there is to have, in my opinion.). When they actually sit down and discuss what their lives were like, they often describe one night stands, partying, noncommittal relationships, sometimes drugs and alcohol, maybe the occassional story where they were rejected by someone they wanted to be with, etc.

The second's actions are simply oozing with hypocrisy and perpetuate the attitude that being gay is soley about sexual attraction.

Neither of these generalizations describe who I am and what I'm all about. So, I'm going to refrain from using the term "moho" to describe myself.

Sealing My Fate

Well, in light of my possible excommunication from being gay, I need to confess something:

I'm more of a republican than I am a democrat.

There.

I said it.

... take me or leave me...

Mon amant

Last night, I dreamt that I had a lover -- someone I know in real life, even.

But he was just a lover, not a husband, 'cause he was still on the fence whether or not he wants to be the celibate Mormon, the MOM Mormon, or [the] gay [Mormon].

It caused a lot of problems and frustrations.

I don't think I'll get a lover.

Dear Marie Osmond,

Although you're a little bit country, I think you've been rockin' lately.

Sincerely,

Andrew Martin Pankratz

Iosapta

I'm in the mood for some board and/or card game-age.

La Mort

When I woke up this morning, I knew I had just been stabbed. The peace didn't surprise me, but death felt warmer and less painful than I expected.

And there was less blood... in fact, I couldn't see any. I could feel it. It was gushing over my hands and pooling beneath the small of my back. But where red should have been, there was nothing.

Even if I could have, I don't think I would have cried for help. It was a welcoming feeling, not really any fear, just confusion.

And then, just as I was about to die, the haze faded.

... sleep paralysis can be so much fun...

Wherein I should be in bed

I have decided that I am nocturnal.

I used to think I was an insomniac, but I sleep just fine... during the day.

Damn the social norm of ... of... what's the opposite of nocturnal?

In other news: I got nothin'.

Denied

Trying to force people to treat gay people equally is just as frustrating to me as trying to force gay people to live heterosexually.

I should be free to live gayly, and people should be free to kick me out of their restaurants because they don't want gay couples to eat there.

As long as a business isn't forced one way or the other, and as long as the business is not run by public funding, I am 100% cool with owners denying their services to anyone to whom they don't want to provide services.

If no restaurant will accept gay couples, then I'll start up my own gay-friendly restaurant. It's really not that big of a deal. I know plenty of fabulous gay chefs.

Sure, it stings and hurts to be discriminated against -- but you can't force people to like you. Besides, I'd rather eat at a restaurant where I'm eagerly welcomed instead of one where they're forced to let me eat there against their will.

And why would I want to go to a fertility doctor if she thought I was an evil fag? I'll go elsewhere, thankyouverymuch.

If people want to lose business, by all means, let them lose business.

Of course, when it's funded publicly, that's another story. You can't take someone's money and then deny him/her access to its use. Such is exploitation -- is that the right word?

If you're going to discriminate, then do it on your own dime.

Of course, one can't discriminate to the point of infringing upon another's rights.

You can kick me out of your restaurant, but you can't burn down the restaurant I'm building. You can preach that I can't make it to heaven, but you can't make life hell for me right now. You can pretend that boys only couple with girls to raise families in your private schools, but you can't use public money to pretend families headed by gay couples don't exist (ESPECIALLY when such families are paying -- often extra -- for your children's educations).

don't get me wrong

While I do think that I'm enjoyable to be around (to those with certain palettes, anyway), and while I'm beginning to perhaps accept that I may possibly be enjoyable to look at to some, I hope I'm being honest in saying that I don't think that I... well, that I really care (or that I think I could land anyone I wanted and that I don't have any faults).

I truly only care about being me to the most honest extent as possible and honestly accepting, loving, and enjoying who I am.

As RuPaul says, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?"

This, really, is why I've yet to really pursue someone. I've just barely learned to love my innards, and I'm struggling to love my outards.

I don't think a relationship has much to do with what I'm getting, but with what I'm giving.

I know I've mentioned this a couple of times on this blog before, but I'm going to mention it again. I'm coming to the conclusion that spousal coupling isn't about sex or even just about love; it's about in whose hands, heart, mind -- in whose soul -- you fit the most perfectly.

Skinny Dipping

Even though there are times when I may come off as confident and "boastful," I'm actually quite unsure about myself in the physically attractiveness arena.

Compliments, although extremely flattering (and for which I am grateful, if I may use an abused Mormon word), from those who've experienced my personality are usually held in suspect.

I'm not unsure about my personality. Although it's an acquired taste, my personality is... well, I enjoy being me, I guess is the most succinct way of putting it.

Isn't that crazy, though? It's so much easier accepting a compliment when I share the sentiment.

Anyway, Vegas was kind of a self-esteem booster. My friend went to buy some cologne in a nice boutique. I couldn't quite decide whether or not me likied the clothes (the ties, definitely)... but me definitely likied one of the clerks.

My eyes met his on accident (the first time was an accident, anyway -- the other three or four, not so much). My friend and I were already being helped by another guy, but this other clerk kept inching towards us. The transaction was completed before the clerk got close enough to talking distance, and so I didn't get the chance to see if he was interested in more than just a sale (hah... uh... that could sound a little dirty).

Then, after watching a lame fountain presentation at Caesar's Palace, my friend told me that I was being "eye-f'ed" throughout the entire thing by a guy across the room. One could say the guy would be classified in a "high-esque league" I suppose, and while I'm really not attracted to such, I felt... well, let's just admit that I did enjoy it.

So, I'm trying to think of myself as someone who could, indeed, be physically attractive.

More importantly, though, I'm learning the importance of getting out of my comfortable bubble of introversion to meet more people.

Maybe one day I'll be able to linger in a boutique just a little longer...

Even Monkeys Have Feelings

Well, the swimming pool was closed, so I didn't get to try swimming. I'm a little disappointed. I was looking forward to making a dent in my insecurity.

I did, however, try sushi. I won't go out of my way to get more, but if it ends up on my plate in the future, I'd probably eat it.

I also must have met Moctezuma or something, 'cause my intestines haven't been the same since. (I went to Vegas with some friends this past weekend.)

Also, my friends have decided that I'm not gay. And Headquarters just sent me a letter threatening to revoke my homosexuality if I don't at least lose my virgin lips before my 26th birthday.

I'm not seeing how that's going to happen, so I'll most likely officially be straight on May 27th. So, I won't have to worry about that anymore -- I mostly just signed up 'cause I was considering trying to make it on Broadway; now that I'm focused on Ballroom... damn it!

Sushi, Skin, and Surrealism

I've decided I don't want to try sushi enough to spend money I should be using for more practical things... I know, since when am I practical?

I guess a kid's got to grow up sometime.

Sigh.

I am, however, going swimming this weekend. I'm actually rather anxious. You see, the last time someone other than a medical care provider saw me without a shirt was 1994.

I don't know why this triggers my anxiety so severely.

Am I that insecure? Ah, well, I'll just have to get over it.

In other news: I've found I quite enjoy writing surrealistically. I'm tempted to write an entire surrealistic book... but I don't think I could find anyone who would want to read it.

Fruition

The light was too dim to catch the drift, the latch tunnel too crowded. They cried, but in their sleeves were rancors. Meat pies filled the noise with an unbreakable slump.

And they did not back up.

Yielding would half the lisp. A hole, gretionly, would they lisp indeed -- to touch the light.

Cries and lisps, rancors and holes, eighths to dim, thus and the sang.

Burs and tears are what too dimmed the light. Cries and lisps sweat Spanish which what are too crowded the latch. But still thus and the sang and are the burs twitch weren't the tears and were in salt and half and half and hold.

And they did not back up.

Pete & Repeat were on a boat...

I say this every year, but this summer, I want to 1) learn how to swim; 2) go camping (I've never been); and 3) try sushi.

Right now, I have room in my budget to try sushi. Anyone have recommendations for a nice place in the SLC-to-Provo areas? Anyone want to join me?


In related food news: Aroma gets my recommendation.

It Scares My Legs

I scraped my leg (just above the ankle) the other day.

While rough-housing with me today, my 5 year-old nephew saw my scab and said, "Ugh... it scares my legs."

Apparently, he inherited my family's empathy pains.

p.s.

I am debt free!!!

Well, I owe my parents for a bailout or two during my shop-therapy days a couple of years ago... but as for those debts that are found on one's credit report: $0 for me!

And this time there was NO bailout from anyone. Some family did help me from getting into more debt, for which I am absolutely grateful, but nobody bailed me out of the debt I was in -- just me putting my shoulder to the wheel and pushing along.

So, let's recap:

I am now down to 1/4 to 1/2 of a dose of Ambien to be able to fall asleep. I'm making significant progress weaning myself off of the double to triple doses of Halcion on which my body became dependent from more than three years of use.

I no longer need antidepressants. During the past decade, I was put on almost every antidepressant out there -- not at the same time, of course -- almost all to their maximum dosages.

I have $0 in non-familial debt, and my last debt payments were not made with family money. During the past decade, I would rack up debt after debt and would need my parents to bail me out.

On Saturday, it will be the one-year anniversary of my last suicidal thought. It was truly the closest I've ever been to killing myself because the fear of how much it would hurt to shove a dagger into my heart was not there... it was complete numbness.

I strongly believe the same thing that broke said numbness is what broke my dependency on drugs and debt:

My personal permission to follow my own heart and conscience.

Dream Cuddles

Last night, the common theme of my dreams was cuddling.

Those of you who know me on an unromantic level (so, those of you who know me) know that I tend to be very... not cuddly.

But, I have to admit, it was pretty darn nice.

I wish I knew how to take cuddling out of the "romantic zone" or the "family zone" (I cuddle often with my younger nieces and nephews) and put it into the "just friends snuggling zone."

It's rather difficult for me to think of snuggling as a 'method' of non-familial friendship-love. Maybe if I just allow some of my friends to move into the "family zone" instead of trying to readjust how I view cuddling... no, that wouldn't work, because once my nieces and nephews hit a certain age, I don't cuddle with them anymore.

Hmm.

It looks like I'm just going to have to wait until I have a boyfriend.

... this could take a while...

*sigh*

Outré

Presently (April 15th, 3:02PM Mountain Time), any word you look up on Dictionary.com brings up the definition of "outré" :

passing the bounds of what is usual or considered proper; unconventional; bizarre.

Outré, indeed.

Soup On a Stick

As per tradition, I attended the Priesthood Session of this past LDS General Conference with the male side of my family.

At the meeting, I decided that the Church would, indeed, one day extend its fellowship to gay couples. It's simply the most natural, logical, and conclusive thing to do when the decision is based on the core Gospel principles.

Now, I'm not using the word 'core' the way the Church uses it.

To us an analogy:

Some (most?) say that water is a core need.

I say that more hydrogen and oxygen are more core of a need than water -- and, further, still protons, neutrons, and electrons are more core of a need than hydrogen and oxygen.

That is to say, the existence of water is dependent upon the existence of hydrogen and oxygen. The existence of hydrogen and oxygen are dependent upon the existence of protons, neutrons, and electrons. Etc.

The principle of eternal marriage, in my opinion, is not core to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Through Mormon lenses, I would argue than anything not explicitly found within the Book of Mormon can be core to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

That's not to say that such principles aren't true -- just that they aren't fundamental but are built upon the actual core principles which are found within the Book of Mormon.

Going back to the example of eternal marriage, such can be traced to the principle of making temporal works eternal, the sealing power -- which is taught within the Book of Mormon.

So, when I'm considering a possible doctrinal principle, I prefer to start with the principles taught within the Book of Mormon and to work up from there. Starting with secondary or tertiary principles (meaning principles which are dependent upon other principles) is flawed.

I wish most of you understood object oriented programming and were specifically familiar with the Actionscript 3 (AS3) object hierarchy.

Maybe it will make sense if I use it as an analogy anyway:

Saying that homosexual marriage is not ordained of God because heterosexual marriage is ordained of God is like saying that a Sprite is not a DisplayObject because a MovieClip is a DisplayObject.

Those of you who may be familiar with AS3 will note that not only are Sprites and MovieClips both DisplayObjects, but a MovieClip is actually a Sprite simply with a few extended methods and properties.

On that note, saying that homosexual marriage is inferior to heterosexual marriage because heterosexual marriage can produce children in and of itself -- a.k.a. because of its extended methods and properties -- is like saying that a MovieClip is superior to a Sprite because of the MovieClip's extended methods and properties.

A good programmer knows that casting an object inappropriately could have some significant consequences on performance -- such as memory and CPU usage.

In fact, with AS3, it can be EXTREMELY ineffecient to cast an object as a MovieClip instead of a Sprite when the extended functions aren't needed (yes, yes, I know, in marriage the extended functions are "needed" ; however, I've yet to see anything but circular logic to prove the need). My inference being that I think it's EXTREMELY ineffecient expecting homosexuals to be heterosexual. I mean, it can be done... but not without sacrificing a significant amount of resources.

With AS3, the program will crash if you try to cast an object as a Sprite when it's needed as a MovieClip. My inferrence here being that heterosexuals casting themselves as homosexuals is where I believe the sin of pairing with the same-sex lies, where the fatal error occurs.

God frowns on heterosexuals acting homosexually. It "crashes the system."

Using the patented Mormon justification of God's timetable: Would it not make sense for God to be extremely strict and threatening about that which causes a fatal error while begrudgingly allowing that which is inefficience until the hearts of men are ready for optimization?

Granted, I find that sort of attitude to be lazy -- it's definitely what I think when I'm being lazy as I code. I doubt God is lazy.

Homosexuals make up an estimated 2-8% of the population. So, using the AS3 code optimization analogy, for each 100 MovieClips, I would only need to go in and recast 2-8 as Sprites.

I would personally do this one of two ways: 1) Going in and manually changing them; or 2) Coding a process to find the MovieClips that should be Sprites and recast them accordingly.

This -- and you may see where I'm going with this -- would parallel a couple of God's options as far as homosexuality: 1) Personal revelation; or 2) Revelation through the General Authorities.

Now, if I'm dealing with billions of MovieClips, I would personally code up a process to find and recast the MovieClips that need only be Sprites.

I personally believe God has already "coded up a process to optimize life's code" and is constantly trying to run the program; however, until His "main processor" (the General Authorities) is able to actually receive the commands, I believe He's also going in by hand and personally revealing the appropriate object casting to those who are ready.


... if that makes any sense, I don't know...

Piss

I just found out I have a medical bill that I didn't know about.

It was the straw that broke my spirits... I am in in despair mode -- even though I'll earn the money to pay off all my debts by the end of the month, this last, "You owe $325.05," put me over the edge of feeling hopeful about my ability to get financially stable.

I know it's irrational -- I have a solid business plan -- and it's probably more sexual frustration than anything, but I just want to curl up and sleep for six months.

It's less of a depressed feeling and more of an "AARRGH!" feeling.

Those fear mongering, "Gays are out to take away our freedom" ads don't help much... and neither does the way some are flinging insults, making fun of the people who are involved in the hateful campaign.

Everyone just needs to grow up.

We're fighting for love, let's fight with love.

Yeah, yeah, I know: how corny... but, you know what, corn's good for you sometimes. Especially fresh sweet corn from the garden... drizzling in butter...

...wow, there I go again with food...

First Draft II

Dear Family,

I realize that I haven't updated you on my pursuit of serving a mission. To sum it up, the bishop wasn't feeling very confident in endorsing me as a missionary because I support gay marriage and because I'm open and honest about my homosexual attractions (and actions... which, I thought, actually, would be a positive thing since I've never even held hands with a guy; I'm in the 99th chastity percentile of single guys my age).

About the same time I met with the bishop, my friend who has been teaching ballet for about a year asked me if I wanted to team up with her to teach dance.

I decided to go where I'm eagerly wanted, and I didn't plead my case any further with the Bishop.

Anyway, I really want to thank those of you who have been patient with and supportive of me as I've been learning how to live life unregulated by drugs (no, I'm not referring to illegal drugs) this past year. The job scene is still a tough one for me to handle, especially working under someone (I've found I have some significant issues trusting authority figures), so I'm really hoping the dance academy progresses as planned.

Things, so far, have been fantastic -- we just received our initial funding and signed a lease; the ballet student body is already built up sufficiently to at least ensure that we break even, and it's looking more and more positive that my ballroom and tap classes will do quite well (for example, I've started a class to train TAs for my ballroom classes; I was aiming for about three students, and I have twelve).

My life will probably still have some jitters and bumps and what-not as I'm still not 100% emotionally healthy and free from resentment -- in just a few days, however, it will be my one year anniversary of my last sincere suicidal thoughts -- but I think things are stabilizing more and more, and life is getting brighter and more hopeful for me every day.

I hope you all can be patient and understanding as I adjust to the light and heal after a very rough, dark, and damaging decade.

I love you all dearly,

Andrew M. Pankratz

Mon Cœur

I am more resolute than ever that I could marry a woman and make her happy, that I could please her sexually -- and even enjoy it, myself.

That being said, however, I am more resolute than ever that I could not give my heart completely to her.

My heart is molded for the hands, my hands for the heart of a man.

Tell me I am confused. Tell me I am mislead.

Blaspheme my soul.

It's all white noise muted by a quiet reassurance of who I am and for whom I am intended.

Ben & Jerry's Mission to Marzipan...

... is fabulous.

Why I've Yet to Buy It

The one argument that could win me over in regards to same-sex marriage is that a child needs both a male and a female for parents, that a child not reared by a male and a female is necessarily in deficit because and only because of the lack of either a male or a female parent.

So far, the only "evidence" provided to support the argument is purely theoretical and is not supported by what is actually happening in real life.

Those who use the argument often act as though it would be some major experiment, far too risky to make, digressing from the "traditional" family. They act as though there aren't (and have never been) any children whom we can observe and who are reared by monogamous same-sex couples.

When they do recognize such families, it's almost always with an attitude of "sure, they're great families, but [theoretically]..."

If you want to convince me to not support gay marriage, then show me hard evidence that such a marriage is necessarily less suitable to raise a child than heterosexual marriage -- not theoretical "evidence."

Furthermore, you won't be able to convince me by dangling an eternal carrot in front of my face. You won't be able to convince me by using your standards or morality (as an unrelated example, you cannot convince me not to shop on Tuesday because it is a holy day for you). You won't be able to convince me as a soothsayer.

Again, you will only be able to convince me by showing me how children being raised by homosexual couples are hurt by not being raised by heterosexual parents.

The data is there to observe; there is no experiment; no guesses have to be made.

Future Reference

Thai Curry is my favorite food.

My favorite pizza is thin-crusted and topped with the givens (cheese and sauce), pepperoni, sausage, green peppers, jalapeños, and pineapple.

... not that food is the way to my heart...

But if I have to eat, you may as well make it enjoyable for me.

It's Settled

I've decided it's definitely time for me to have a boyfriend.

Now, if only I weren't such a frickin' hermit...

Screwed

... so I'm kind of a lot in trouble, financially...

I've just been ignoring the situation, but it's almost at the impossible-to-ignore stage, and I'm trying not to stress out.

If something doesn't happen soon, I'll be totally screwed, though.

Ugh...

I went to bed early last night; I woke up early this morning...

I do not find this agreeable.

Side-note

I don't mean to say that those who are in MOMs are selfish. I am saying that the Church's reasoning behind promoting such marriages is selfish and that I would be marrying a girl selfishly.

Doing what you believe you are supposed to do is not a selfish thing in the least bit.

Entitlement and Selfishness

I watched the last session of the LDS General Conference. Okay, so I mostly played with my niece, but I did listen to the talks being given in the background.

Dallin H. Oaks's talk really stood out to me. He talked about selfishness, and I couldn't help but think, "That's exactly why I'm probably going to marry a guy."

You see, when I ask why I am supposed to marry a woman (or expect to marry a woman), I am usually told something like: 1) It is your destiny, your heritage, your entitlement; 2) If you don't, you can't get the greatest reward in heaven; and/or 3) It's what God wants you to do.

And when I ask why it's what God wants me to do, it's usually something along the lines of: 1) Because He wants you to return to Him; or 2) He needs you to create physical bodies for His spirit children.

If you listened to Elder Oaks's talk, you'll recognize that he used extremely similar examples to show what he thinks is selfish. He said attitudes such as "I am entitled to [x]; therefore, give me [x]" and "What about my needs? You need to take care of my needs," are self centered.

So, really, when it comes to telling me that I should marry a woman, the Church is telling me that I should be selfish (so I can get what's due me as a son of God) and/or that God is selfish (caring primarily about His needs/desires*).

Now, yes, there is often selfishness involved in deciding to marry someone of the same sex... but no more-so, really, than in deciding to get married at all. That is, a lot of people marry because they are looking for some needs to be met a relationship. This is true in both the gay and straight demographics.

However, in both demographics are also found those who desire to get married to share themselves completely and whole-ly with someone else in order to form a family which family is then used to selflessly raise children to become quality members of society.

I fall into this latter group. And, frankly, in order to give myself completely to someone else -- I'm referring specifically to my heart -- the other person, in most likelihood, will have to be a man.

I would feel and have always felt completely selfish pursuing a woman.

I feel I have a lot to offer someone else, but I know a significant portion of what I can give simply and naturally isn't compatible in the hands of a woman. And when the only arguments that would have me try to make it compatible are rooted in selfishness ("I need to earn exaltation" or "God commands it because it's what He needs"), I have zero motivation to try.

*I actually do not understand the "God needs physical bodies" argument... not with Matthew 3:9 in mind, anyway.