Tuesday, November 23, 2010

More Disorder?

My friend sent me a link to the following site: http://www.attachmenttherapy.com/adult.htm. I'm afraid I may have another disorder along with my clinical depression and anxiety to deal with.

I'm thinking I tend toward the "Anxious/Ambivalent" category of attachment disorder:

Compulsive Caregiving
Feel overinvolved and underappreciated
Rapid relationship breakups
Idealizing of others
Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship
Overinvests his/her emotions in a relationship
Perceives relationships as imbalanced
Relationship is idealized
Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)
Perceives others as difficult to understand
Unlikely to view others as altruistic
Discomfort with anger
Extreme emotions
Views self as unlovable
Mood swings
Tendency toward anaclitic depression (dependent depression)

It does make sense. I very strongly remember times in my youth when I needed my parents but they were busy taking care of the needs of my other million siblings. Hell, read through my blog the past few months, and you'll see examples of how what I need from my parents aren't met because of their religious beliefs.

I'm not "blaming the parents." I am recognizing, though, where my problem lies so I can resolve things.

Thankfully, I have an appointment with my counselor in the not too distant future to discuss things with her.


The reason I posted for the break-up is rather oversimplified.

I still think there's a lot of misunderstanding on both of our sides. We're trying to sort things out, at the very least to minimize the hurt.

Good News & Bad News

Good News

I was able to make my extremely difficult decision.

Bad News

[GMB] and I are no more.

He wanted to work us around his dream school and dream career.

I want a relationship that is top priority, working such things as school and career around the relationship.

So, I unfortunately had to say adieu to "us."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I am exhausted.





And I'm being faced with a horribly difficult decision right now.

Please throw some magic powder my way if you have any. I could use it.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I’ve been having rather intense nightmares lately—nightmares where my parents and I are screaming at each other.

I obviously have a lot of pent up frustration and anxieties about my relationship with them.

I’m having a difficult time truly feeling loved by them, at least in the way they say.  Their love for me feels so… cheap sometimes. I don’t feel like I belong to them anymore, like I’m their son.

I feel pushed away and abandoned.

I feel like closing the door and walking away.  With my newfound financial independency I’m having to really fight against that temptation.

Monday, November 1, 2010


I am now officially employed by a company that can pay me a regular salary!

I’m both excited and terrified—for the same reason: it feels like life-life is beginning.

That is to say that I feel a stronger sense of responsibility for my future now.  Before it was just, “Let’s make it to the next crappy day.”

Now, however, it feels like I finally have a future to start preparing for.

Before it was, “Meh, I have the money in my account, and it’s shiny; I’ll buy it!”

Now it’s, “Hmm… I don’t know, I should probably put that money away for something more important.”

It’s an interesting feeling, both thrilling and terrifying, both enhungering [sic] and nauseating.

It’s a new experience that I hope I’m ready to take on.