Sunday, November 30, 2008

To be or not to be

Hamlet's well-known soliloquy has been going through my mind right now.

Lately, I've been in this "not to be" mindset -- where I'd rather just hide in my room and 'dream' so as to avoid the prickings [sic] life brings. In this, there is really no life. But in no life, there is no pain. Yet in no life, there is no joy.

This all reminds me of something I wrote about a year ago:
The Lake Made - Haiku Enchaîné*

The lake an honest maid?
Her waters taste sweet save held
Yet held is “the way”

To swim the remorse
Or, forbid, to tilt and drink
‘Tis shallowed hell

Still reflections yield,
In the cuppèd hand, thus whole
Whose tears its own wane

Had I words, I’d fight
Sing to light the hidden know
Beyond cupping hands

Alas, I but drown
In the wisping waters here
Naught, my maid to hold

Would I that death rise
Bury sight, this tortured mute
In deafening sting

Oh that I would float
On rocking waves as dead men,
They who do not drown

They who do not swim
Nor do they drink from the cup
But on lake do float

Forever to grin
Though their hands hold naught but lake
They know contentment

They follow no herd
But the one wherewith they fly
Guided by the tides

To and fro to glide
Knowing not passing of time
But alone to dream

There’s no need to speak
As deadmen need not their tongues
Oh that I were they

Yet in them no soul
They are dead and have been torn
From the two natures

And shells are these men
Who, though they know the lake maid,
Cannot feel her touch

Contentment they know
But in contentment no joy
And soon dead men sink

In this twisted pool
Where, at climax, one’s heart bleeds
For relief from storm

But in lake remains
A chance for peace though bitter
Therein lies the way

*Haiku Enchaîné (or Chained Haiku) is a form of poetry I originated with the presented poem. The form is composed of 17 independent haiku chained together to complete one major thought which thought is composed of three supporting but independent sub-thoughts. The first sub-thought is composed within the first five haiku; the second within the middle seven haiku; and the third within the last five haiku.

each haiku should complete one thought, the first five haiku should complete one thought, the middle seven haiku should complete one thought, and the final five haiku should complete one thought -- all of which thoughts contribute to the ultimate thought of the entire haiku enchaîné.

Dear Mormons,

I want you to know that I, indeed, understand where you're coming from and the motivations behind your actions and beliefs -- that is, I would assume such is because you love homosexuals and want them to be happy (not just now happy but forever happy). I know you believe that the only way one can find "forever happy" is to follow the counsels of the President of the LDS Church.

I understand, I really do -- unless I'm completely off the mark (which is why I laid my understanding out, so you could judge whether or not I truly understand).

I hope one day you'll understand where I'm coming from.

Granted, I do have an advantage as I have walked in your shoes most of my life whereas it's perhaps impossible for you to ever walk in mine -- you can really only imagine what it's like to be gay.

I hope you'll forgive us when we forget this and inappropriately lash out in frustration.

Andrew Martin Pankratz

Thursday, November 27, 2008


On this day of Thanksgiving, I thought I would express gratitude for postal mail. That's right: I am thankful for snail mail.

Now, this isn't way up on my list of gratitudes [sic], but I wanted to stray from the cliché and thank something that may not be getting thanked right now.

I enjoy getting mail, especially personal letters -- you know, those passé pieces of papers shoved in envelopes, carted around, and delivered by actual people.

I've a friend with whom I've been corresponding on and off via post for the past three years (two of which he was on an LDS mission). We live a "whopping" 35 miles / 45 minutes away from each other. We both have cellphones and, of course, who doesn't have the internet? But we keep in touch with pen, paper, and stamp.

It's rather ... refreshing? I don't know the right word, but I enjoy it.

So, thank you U.S. Postal Service!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


... (the movie) gets my recommendation.

Going Straight

There are a couple of la-dies I would totally go straight for:

Kristin Chenoweth
(to hell with the age difference)

from America's Next Top Model, cycle 11
(to hell with the height difference)

But I think I could quite happily settle for working with them -- assuming Annaleigh pursues a career in acting, which I think she should.

A new current dream of mine: to star in a romantic comedy opposite Annaleigh. Add a role for Kristin, and ... well, I think we have my very first two-girl fantasy!

(... I'm pretty sure, though, that straight guys' two-girl fantasies are quite different than what I'm picturing...)

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Help Me, Doc

I've listened to Dr. Laura on and off for the past decade.

I've also listened to Loveline on and off for the past few years.

If you aren't familiar with either, they are both radio shows wherein listeners call to get help with certain dilemmas. Such programs are a secret pleasure of mine -- I like to compare what I would personally advise compared to the hosts.

Because of this secret pleasure of mine, I've listened to perhaps thousands of callers whose problems were primarily a result of something their parents did. The other day, I realized something: out of these thousands of troubled people, I've never heard a call from a gay couple's child.

One would think that, out of all my years of albeit casual listening, I would have at least heard 1 call from a child raised by a gay couple. Statistically -- let's assume I've heard 1500 calls where the problem was parent-related -- I should have heard 7-37 calls throughout the years (based on stats stating that 2-10% of the population is gay and about 25% of gay couples raise children).

According to the strongly held belief that a child optimally needs a man and a woman for parents -- Dr. Laura is undeniably ardent in her polarized gender beliefs, especially concerning the needs of children -- a large concentration of calls should be coming from those children being raised by gay parents.

Nevertheless, I, personally, have yet to hear from one. That's not to say there haven't been any... I just haven't heard them if there have been.

I have, however, heard a plethora of grieved callers (whose grievances are parent-based) who have a man and a woman as parents. True, the grievances are most often the result of the father being a complete dick and/or the mother being a complete cunt (if you'll forgive the crudeness... I used such for a very specific literary purpose)... but is this evidence of the good(man + woman) + children = ideal family theorem?

That is, because someone is messed up because of a dick-of-a-father, does that necessarily translate to, "See, that's why a child needs a good father" ?

Because someone is messed up because of a cunt-of-a-mother, does that necessarily translate to, "See, that's why a child needs a good mother" ?

Or is this just evidence that an effective parent is not a dick or a cunt... but a caring, loving parent?

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Are Mormons Christians?

I wanted to perhaps write an official post based on a side note of a previous post:

(For reference, CDM = Christians who Disagree with Mormons' claim to Christianity; LDS = Latter-day Saints; GMS = Gay Marriage Supporters.)


LDS: We are Christians. We profess that Jesus Christ is our Savior, our Lord, our God. We profess that it is only through Him that man may be saved.

CDM: You cannot be Christians. You profess that Jesus Christ, God the Father, and the Holy Ghost are three separate entities. You profess that Jesus Christ and God the Father have physical bodies and are, therefore, not omnipresent.

This not only offends the traditional Christian definition of God and the definition of God found within the Bible, which clearly states that the Godhead is One Being, but also perverts the holy and sacred eternal nature of God. An omnipresent God is essential to the salvation of men.

LDS: [Listing reasons how different definitions of physiology, different translations of the Bible, and different beliefs in the progression of traditions based on living revelation do not deter from being core-ly Christian.]

CDM: Physiology and traditional translations of the Bible are core requirements of Christianity. Allowing you the title and status of Christianity will befuddle what it means to be Christian. This confusion will be detrimental to taking upon oneself the name of Christ -- the requirement to eternal salvation.

For the sake of the salvation of man, we cannot allow you to share the definition of Christianity.


GMS: Gays couples can marry. They are two beings united as one in the purpose of creating a family.

LDS: Gays cannot marry. Gay couples are not diametrically opposed to each other sexually. Gay couples cannot biologically reproduce within the coupling, itself.

This not only offends the traditional definition of marriage and the definition of marriage found within the Bible, which clearly states that marriage is between a man and a woman, but also perverts the holy and sacred eternal nature of God and man. Heterosexual marriage is essential to the salvation of men.

GMS: [Listing reasons how different definitions of physiology, different translations of the Bible (including not believing in the Bible at all), and different beliefs in the progression of society based on greater social understanding do not deter from being core-ly married.]

LDS: Physiology and traditional translations of the Bible are core requirements of marriage. Allowing you the title and status of marriage will befuddle what it means to be married. This confusion will be detrimental to taking upon oneself the duties of marriage -- the requirement to eternal salvation.

For the sake of the salvation of man, we cannot allow you to share the definition of marriage.

So, should Mormons be allowed the share the definition and title of Christianity? Should gays be allowed to share the definition and title of marriage?

If we were to judge based on physiology and tradition, neither should. If we were to judge based on beliefs of salvation from the majority, neither should.

However, if we were to dismiss physiology, tradition, and religious beliefs of the majority and judge based on the works, hearts, and characters of each, both should.

At least, that's my opinion.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Any Dream Will Do

I had two interesting dreams last night.

In the first dream, I was coming home from buying groceries for Thanksgiving dinner. When I got home, I found the main entrances to my house blocked (I don't remember exactly how), so I had to take a rather long and somewhat tricky detour (I remember most specifically a rather daunting staircase) to get into my house from a small door on the roof.

When I got to this door, someone (who was understood to be LDS and a close relative, though ambiguous as to any specific person or gender even) lurched out from the shadows -- it was nighttime.

Immediately, there was a sense of danger. This person was hungry and ready to attack to take the groceries I'd just bought.

My "fight or flight" instincts kicked in and I started to deliberate which I should do: run into my house, lock the door, and hide in my shelter or put the groceries down and fight until this person fled.

But then I looked into this person's eyes more closely -- and more than anything I saw fear, a fear of hunger, a fear of starvation... and I knew I simply needed to find a way to make it understood that the groceries were sharable, that we both could sit at the Thanksgiving table. Nobody had to run away. Nobody had to fight. Nobody had to go hungry on Thanksgiving if we just sat together and broke bread together.

My second dream began with me rough-housing with one of my nephews. I ended up startling him -- this particular nephew is more mellow than most of my other nephews. My sister-in-law quickly rushed to pick up her son.

I tried to apologize, but my sister-in-law scowled at me and told me to keep my distance. I don't remember the specifics, but it was implied that she felt it necessary to protect her family from me -- because of me being gay.

I exploded and started yelling at not just her but her husband, my brother, and some of my other siblings and their families who were in the room.

Again, I don't remember most of the specifics, but I do remember yelling, "The MOST offensive thing is that you feel you have to PROTECT your children from ME! How am I a threat? Why won't you look at me? Look at ME !"

This second dream was the dream I woke up to. It was quite intense -- much more intense than I could ever describe. I don't think I realized, until this morning, how angry I feel towards some of my siblings.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

... okay...

So I probably will never do porn. Hell, I don't even look at the stuff.

But when you're strapped for cash, not knowing exactly where to go to pay the bills... yeah...

Truth be told, though, I'm actually filled with this strange, foreign sense of confidence when I think about going into acting. It's... strange -- not to be redundant -- but good... maybe.

Well, I guess it's not too foreign. It's the same feeling I had when I tried out for the BYU Ballroom Company -- and totally made it (with having taken only two -- count 'em: 2 -- official ballroom classes and a handful of tutoring sessions from a couple of high school students).

Yes, I am bragging. And, hopefully, I'll be able to brag about my successes in the acting biz. Not that I will... hopefully I can one day be humble and down-to-earth.


One of my coworkers today asked what my plans were since I'm disbanding from the computer programming guild and jokingly added, "I hear there's good money in porn."

I laughed and said, "Yeah, I've been considering it."

... truth is...

I have been considering it...

... and I haven't ruled it out.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


... is spelled the same forward and backwards.


I'll let you decide.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Frankly, I just wish people would sit down and ask themselves, "Would I want what I would have done to families headed by homosexual couples to happen to my family?"

Yes, yes, I know: "But my family is the godly/traditional model."

But, still, I apply the Golden Rule to even that: "Would I want my family to be judged based on its physiology and social traditions instead of its character, heart, and good works?"

I'm tired of all this crap, "We're Christian; we love you ... but we're going to treat you in a way we would not want to be treated. We are going to judge you in a way we have asked not to be judged*."

It's old. It's horrible. And I'm finished being tolerant of it.


*The LDS Church is so adamant that they should be allowed access to the
word and definition of Christianity -- even though they believe the physiology of the Godhead is different than every other Christian sect and is contrary to the past couple centuries of traditional Christian belief. The LDS Church has asked to be seen as Christians based not on what is believed to be the physiological definition of Christ but on what it actually means to be Christian at core.

It is the same with the homosexual couple asking for the word and definition of marriage -- that our unions be based not on what is believed to be the physiological definition of marriage but on what it actually means to be married and raise a family at core.

Both sides hold the same accusations of immorality, satanism, offense to God, danger to society, etc. Both sides hold the stance that, at core, physiology is vital to the defended definition.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Warning: This post is prompted by the ever beautiful 'poor me syndrome.' That is, I will be bemoaning my circumstances and professing them more pitiful than others. This is, by no means, a way to get pity or sympathy but rather a necessary venting to someone other than my sister who doesn't deserve or need my venting and comparing my situation to hers. And, really, this venting is so that I can be the support my sister needs right now.

I have been... paralyzed in a sense. I am terrified of dating. I don't know where that's going to put me with my parents and some of my siblings. True, the trial won't hit until I'm actually in a steady, serious relationship -- but that's where dating leads.

I am ready to start dating, but I don't know if I'm ready to give up the relationship I have with my family. Granted, my relationship with every one of my siblings isn't in jeopardy. One of my brothers and his wife are fantastic about the whole thing. In fact, their response when my parents' told them about me being gay was the best response someone could get, I think: "If anything, we love him more."

I'm wishing my entire family felt that way. It really, really, really sucks to think that I may be cut off. So much so that I have been avoiding the whole dating thing altogether.

For example, my roommate had a party yesterday at our place. I knew there would be single gay guys coming over... so I went and hid at my sister's house. She wasn't even home; I just sat and watched movies by my lonesome -- Kung Fu Panda gets my recommendation -- and fought the urge to go have fun -- because I might possibly meet someone.

Ten o'clock rolled around, and I figured most of the party would be gone, so I headed back. There were still some people left, so I zip-lined straight to my room and watched 3rd Rock from the Sun -- my current favorite TV show... I may spend money I don't have and buy season 1 on DVD... but I digress. But I wasn't free; my roommate came into my room five minutes later and had me meet his friends.

So I went out for about a minute-point-five, said, "S'up" and slinked back into my room. To be honest, I would have stayed to hang out, but there was a guy that I thought was cute and, therefore, threatening.

Turns out, this guy wanted to talk me more, too...

So, I think, well, do I get his number and ask him out? And, BAM, I feel all paralyzed. I mean, it's not like I'm thinking anything beyond some first date with a guy I don't really know... but, still, it really would be my first step into actually being gay. It would be my first step into actually distancing myself from my family. And it's a horribly cripling feeling.

Furthermore... a minute-and-a-half and I wasn't safe... It totally shattered my illusionary safety-blanket of "Well, even if I were to go out and meet people, nobody would be interested in me -- especially someone in whom I may be interested."

Then, this morning, I wake up to my sister texting me with her chagrins concerning her friend who, she wishes, would consider her as a girlfriend -- in fact, their behavior is 100% boyfriend-girlfriend; he just has trepidations and what-not (I won't go into details).

Her situation really is frustrating... but sometimes I want to yell at her, "You know what!? At least the family is rooting for you!! At least the family is hoping that he will work out his trepidations! At least if he does, he'll be 100% a part of the family! Try being gay, having most of the family hoping that you'll never meet anyone ... having most of the family say, 'If you do meet someone, he can't be 100% a part of the family; he can perhaps visit, but keep your visits short' ... and then you can tell me it sucks!!"

It can be tough sitting and listening to my sister when, really, I would kill to have what she has. It sucks that she's in love with a guy who isn't sure where he is in life -- been there (somewhat even on the other side). It's rather terrifying to think that things may not work out for her -- but she has the support of the family; that fear is shared by everyone within the family.

Sometimes I feel so completely alone and unsupported. I mean, I do have friends and what-not who are completely supportive of me... I don't mean to downplay the importance of friends... but my family is so closely knit and wound together. Being cut or blotted out of that tapestry hurts... a lot. It is a completely solitary feeling, as though I'm standing on the moon, nobody else around... no oxygen to breath... no hopes of any spaceships coming to save me... and I'm hating it.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Scrutiny 12.4-b

x = 2+ 2

y = 4

Does x = y?

Argue for both cases, yes and no.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Les Schtroumpfs

Well, it's been a week, and I am officially over my frustration and anger concerning Proposition 8.

In closing this chapter of anger and frustration, I want to briefly share a couple more thoughts on why I, personally, and why I think most of the gay community focused most of the anger and frustration on the LDS Church.
  1. Stuart Matis. To the non-gay (even non-Californian) member, this name probably is unknown. However, to the gay community and to many sympathetic Californians, Stuart Matis's struggle during the last proposition is well know and symbolizes the struggles many gay members within the Church suffered during that time.

    Stuart Matis eventually committed suicide -- and although the last CA proposition wasn't the reason for Stuart's suicide, the atmosphere surrounding the proposition was detrimental to Stuart's well-being. Again, such a detriment was not exclusive to Stuart; he is simply a symbol for the agony that can result from politics entering into church buildings.

    The General Authorities were aware of Stuart's agony, even in regards to the pain surrounding CA's last proposition. And although I knew the Church would stand up for their beliefs on Prop 8, I was expecting them to handle their actions... well, more tactfully than they did.

    I think the protests against the Church -- albeit perhaps fruitless in regards to convincing the Church of anything -- were necessary for those gay members of the LDS Church who have felt ostracized, cast away, unwanted, etc. and etc. to understand that there is a great mass of supporters fighting for their well-being.

  2. I would dare say that a great majority (perhaps most, even) of the gays in California who are married or desire to get married and raise families were once LDS.

    The LDS Church failed us in providing the adequate care we needed to live healthy, happy lives, and now the Church is trying to hinder the alternative choice.

    The protests against the Church -- again, albeit perhaps fruitless in regards to convincing the Church of anything -- were necessary for us to vent our frustration at this institute that seems so intent on making our lives miserable (in the name of love, of all things... it's very frustrating).

But I think the focus on the Church is waning, and we're getting back into fighting for our humane treatment universally.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Gayly Mormon

I have spent many-an-hour pondering Mormonism. There are some things that I like and am drawn to spiritually... and there are some things that I think are quite... well, horrible, really.

However, because I base my spiritual beliefs primarily upon those experiences I feel are spiritual, I have to admit that I am drawn to believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's "One True Church" ... but not in the way many Mormons believe.

When most Mormons profess that theirs is the "One True Church" they imply that whatever the Church does, holds, proclaims, etc. is exactly what God would do, hold, proclaim, etc.

When I profess that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the "One True Church" I imply that the LDS Church is God's official Notary Public here on Earth -- and, frankly, such is the sole significance of the LDS Church in my mind.

I don't mean to downplay this significance. Covenants, according to Christian philosophy, are vitally important to God. Having the official authority to notarize covenants between man and God is a huge responsibility and requires some extra knowledge of God's intent for us here on Earth.

Indeed, I believe the LDS Church holds a greater knowledge concerning our purpose here on Earth.

However, I do not sustain the idea that all of the Church's actions, words, beliefs, and understandings are 100% equal to God's actions, words, and knowledge. Otherwise, I could not believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Her vanity and pride in her authority are quite ungodly in my eyes. In fact, I believe this vanity and pride are blinding her to further understanding some necessary concepts concerning our purpose in this life -- and have prodded her into professing fallacies in the name of God.

Again, the only significance I can see the LDS Church holding -- if she is the "One True Church" -- is the significance of being God's official Notary Public; nothing less, nothing more. Again, I don't mean to downplay the immense importance of this significance.

With that being said, though, I do not believe notarized covenants are the only covenants that can be made between man and God. Granted, notarization holds much more security than not. Nevertheless, in the end, there will be only one Judge who looks over all contracts, bonds, and covenants made in His name. And it will be that sole Judge who will decide which covenants, whether notarized or not, will be honored.

And, again, He is my Master and none other. The covenants I make are with Him and Him only. If they cannot be notarized, so be it; my faith and testimony in Him are strong enough and confident enough to stand against any insecurity.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Gayly Christian

There is a great controversy in proclaiming Christianity while believing it is not against God's will to marry someone of the same sex.

Nevertheless, I now stand... okay, well, I'm sitting, but let's be metaphorical here... to say that I am "Gayly Christian."

Now, I do not claim spiritual/religious knowledge but belief. My beliefs are founded upon those things which I have felt to be spiritual and are structured by the framework of logic and reason. (Much like a computer program where the foundation thereof is an idea/need and the framework to build such an idea/belief is structured by logic. Indeed, my religious leanings are quite greatly influenced by my being a geek, a student of computer logic and programming.)

Through my studies, prayers, meditations, et al. I have been and continue to be drawn spiritually toward Christianity. I also have had experiences in my life that have lead me to believe in a spiritual essence (or I could just be a little off my rocker -- note the use of the word "just." I'm fully aware that I am, indeed, a little crazy... loony if you will).

Anyway, I do believe that Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior, having descended into mortality as Mercy to satisfy the demands of Justice. Indeed, I profess to be Christian.

'IMPOSSIBLE!" some may shout, "You cannot be truly Christian and accept homosexuality! Such the latter has been professed by the prophets of God to be abominable, abhorrent, evil, confusing the nature of man! How can you profess Christianity AND homosexuality!?! IMPOSSIBLE!"

Truth be told, I read (present tense) the Bible. Truth be told, I believe in prophets and prophecy. Truth be told, my favorite LDS seminary class in high school was focused on The New Testament. Truth be told, there are within The New Testament some conditionals declared by Christ, Himself, that, if used as a framework of logic and reason, have taken the words of the Bible (and those whom I believe are men of God) off of the pedestal on which they once resided within my heart.

These core conditionals of Christianity (as I see it) are as follows (according to the King James Version of the Bible):

  1. Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. (Matthew 22: 37-40)

  2. For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. For every tree is known by his own fruit. For of thorns men do not gather figs, nor of a bramble bush gather they grapes. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh. (Luke 6: 43-45)

  3. But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted. (Matthew 23:8-12)

I think (of all apostles), Paul sums up these conditionals quite well in 1 Corinthians 13:

8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity

Framed by these conditionals and understandings, I have structured my stance on homosexuality.

First and foremost, I asked myself, "What is the most charitable thing to do?" Decidedly, such depended on what is good and what is evil (as it benefits no man to allow evilness); therefore, I asked, "Are these families bringing to pass good works or evil works?"

I then sought to discern for myself the works of married gay couples raising families, and I have witnessed, in great abundance, good and commendable works; indeed, every work I saw brought to pass by the homosexual couple was equal to the works brought to pass by the heterosexual counterpart.

To the statement, "Nevertheless, the prophets have spoken," there is the response, "Whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For [they] know in part, and [they] prophecy in part... [they] see through a glass, darkly... the greatest [concept upon building the foundation of life] is charity."

Prophecies cannot, in my mind, usurp the conditionals of charity and judgment based on good works. Such prophecies that would try will necessarily fail.

For man is man, prone to prejudice which prejudice will only fog the glass through which we already see darkly. This is why I, as a Christian, exalt no man to the same position of Christ. Accordingly, no words of man can I exalt to words of God.

Indeed, no man is my Master, for I have only one: even Jesus Christ.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Notre Dame de Paris

One of my favorite books is Notre Dame de Paris by Victor Hugo.

That's all.

Friday, November 7, 2008


Well, it looks like the protests have been peaceful thus-far... I am very much relieved.

Some of the Church's statements regarding them, though... well... have been bothering me -- big surprise, eh?

I think the sentiment that bothers me the most is that protesting on/near their sacred places of worship is wrong and that they have done nothing wrong, themselves, in exercising their right to vote in protest of the definition of marriage. (I'm paraphrasing.)

Again, what hypocrisy! Their protest came right into the most sacred parts of the lives of so many people -- their families -- and took away rights, liberties, and privileges thereof.

And they're the poor victims? Give me a break.

Now, I don't like how a temple had to close; I don't think we should hinder anyone's security in their sacred places... and that's exactly my point.

Frankly put and again, the LDS Church has hindered the security of the most sacred part of many people's lives: their families.

As for the LDS Church's woes of being singled out... I can't speak for everyone, but the reason why I, personally, am singling out the LDS Church right now is because they were the root of the massively erroneous information concerning the freedoms of religions being threatened -- and that no rights are being taken away from any gay couples and families raised by such (all complete B.S.).

Of course, the LDS Church is very much singled out naturally on this issue as it has the most to lose... their doctrine is dependent on the happiest, healthiest, and most secure family being the man, woman, and their bio children.

The LDS Church has already lost the happiest and healthiest family part. All they have is the security part to hold onto and defend.

If they can make the law detriment [sic] married gay couples, then they can still claim superiority of their definition of family based on legal protection and security.

This is where the threat gay marriage posses to these religious institutions: it weakens their claims and beliefs concerning the family. But it's not a threat to their rights, freedoms, and liberties. They can still believe what they will and how they will, however weak (I think that's rather apparent with a lot of beliefs), but they have no right to make sure their beliefs have a legal leg-up and extra protection.

THAT is wrong.

I must honestly wonder if they truly think they are protecting "traditional families" ... that is, legislation like Proposition 8 isn't going to prevent or discourage gay people from marrying and raising families - I know I am going to marry (pending I can find someone) a guy and raise children with him, no matter what arbitrary definition of marriage is forced into the constitution by the majority.

And it's not like gay marriage and families therefrom don't already exists and haven't existed for who knows how long.

Legislation such as Proposition 8 does not make the "traditional family" more secure, happy, or healthy.

All such legislation does is discriminate against marriages and families [so that religions such as the LDS Church can continue to falsely project their believed moral supremacy] which marriages and families are already formed and will continue to form ... that's all it does, plain and simple.

Frankly, bluntly, (those are my two favorite words, if you haven't noticed... I love frankness and bluntness) and in sum, gays have been marrying and raising families for who knows how long. They are at least as happy and at least as healthy as the heterosexual counterpart. And it's time that they are at least as secure.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Practically Overnight

I once wondered if there would be protests and animosity towards the LDS Church similar to fifty-or-so years ago in regards to Black rights.

I brushed it off, thinking, "No, things will happen more gradually and peacefully with this..."

But, SCHTROUMPH, practically overnight, the seeds of animosity have sprouted. Protesters are surrounding temples, the Church is being called out angrily in her hypocrisy (I think the Church's PR shot the Church in the head with their most recent statement), and I'm not very thrilled about the whole thing.

Am I pissed at the Church's lies and hypocrisy? Absolutely. Am I frustrated and angry? Totally. Will I get over it? Probably by next week.

But my mommy and daddy are temple workers, and if one hair on either of their heads is misplaced, so help me...

I will always protect my family -- it's why I am so ardently against anti-gay marriage legislation; it is why I am so ardently against these protests that could result in violence.

It is not the way things should be handled. Vent in your blogs... bicker childishly with those who comment in opposition to your posts... punch a wall... break a chair... then take a deep breath and move on with life and fight without violence, anger, and frustration.

Don't let it escalate into what is was half a century ago... It's disgusting. It's reprehensible. It's foolish. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. It's disappointing.


[rolling eyes]

I'm sorry, I still have some venting to do, I guess.

From LDS Church headquarters:

The Church calls on those involved in the debate over same sex marriage to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility towards each other. No one on either side of the question should be vilified, intimidated, harassed or subject to erroneous information.

No vilification, eh? Like, "Gays marriage will result in the downfall of society and the fundamental understanding of a family; it is an evil institution inspired by Satan." (See various Ensigns and statements made by LDS General Authorities.)

No intimidation, eh? Like, "If your child enters into a gay relationship, you should not allow his/her partner into your family." (See various Ensigns and statements made by LDS General Authorities.)

No harassment, eh? Like, oh, I don't know, the entire Proposition 8 campaign.

No erroneous information, eh? Like, "Legalizing gay marriage will force religions to accept homosexuality, will force private adoption agencies to adopt to gay couples, has the same rights as domestic partnerships and civil unions." (See the official LDS Church's site concerning Proposition 8.)

The term "Smiling Eyes" comes to mind.

Maybe Ugly Betty will help calm me down.


What doesn't kill us...

... makes us stronger.

~Friedrich Nietzsche

As frustrated as I've been these past few months, I've been feeling a new-found strength (not in my anger, but despite).

Hopefully my anger and frustration will wane quickly... they are such icky feelings.


I was achy all day yesterday... I thought it was just because of the anti-gay political action throughout the nation.

But then I woke up early this morning with that horrible pain in the intestines that tears from within, jeering, "You're getting the flu, kid."

It's actually pretty mild -- knock on wood -- but still not pleasant.

It looks like I'll be spending another day in bed.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The greatest single cause of atheism...

... is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.
~Brennan Manning

I do not and cannot equate what many people are doing and have done in the name of Christianity as Christian... especially and specifically the LDS Church.

Frankly put: if your believed ideal society is truly ideal, then live that ideal within your own sub-society and let your light shine before the world as evidence of the validity of your faith... such is what Christ taught.

In no way, shape, or form did Christ ever teach that you should legislate your ideals in secular law -- especially when you, yourselves, are not living such ideal.

It is reprehensible. It is ugly. It is disgusting. It is hypocritical. It is akin to the pharisees and sagisees... no, not akin, it is precisely what the pharisees and sagisees were guilty of.

And although these actions do not make my personal faith in a God waver, they have made me doubt how strongly you believe in the light of your beliefs.

Frankly, you must know that the security of a companion is by far a healthier lifestyle choice than any you can provide for most homosexuals.

Frankly, you must know that the parenting of homosexual couples equals -- rivals even -- the heterosexual counterpart.

Otherwise, why do you feel the need to try to put a bushel over these lights?

I have absolutely no doubts in my beliefs as I stand up to let such a light shine before men... and I wish you would stop trying to shade that light. It is cowardly, shameful, and frankly dims your light significantly.

Indeed, you have lost members as you have abandoned the nourishment of your own light in order to futilely seek to dim another's.

Ah, Poop

Well, it seems that Proposition 8 is going to pass. To be honest, I wasn't expecting it wouldn't, not with all the homophobia, arbitrary fear, and ardent self-righteousness fogging around in majority still.

One day it will be different, but it's going to take some time, courage, patience, long-suffering, humility, meekness... charity... on everyone's part.

Monday, November 3, 2008

God Made Me Do It

I don't like determinism in any way shape or form.


Saturday, November 1, 2008

Dear Barbara & Steve Young,

Thank you!


Andrew Martin Pankratz

Where I Was

I've been rummaging through my old writings/journal entries/poems/etc. recently; in doing so, I was reminded of the past seven years of hopelessness... and how absolutely dramatic I was about it:
This is no thorn in my side; my bowels have been thrashed out, my lungs scarred with breathlessness... yet my heart, they did not break the beat.
My heart melts with grief and loneliness. My mind burns with fevered emotion and confusion. I feel as a wounded animal with naught but encompassing predators. Light, which should spawn hope, only seethes further fear of hunters. Am I to die? Will my wounds be healed and the predators’ drool held? Will the light be that of friendly eye or hungered mouth? Where is my shelter?
Father, lead my heart to comfort’s keep. My burdens make light that my melting body might be made strong. Soften my crumbling heart and in its softness give me the strength and means to love.
I can’t seem to want what’s right anymore. I can’t seem to want what’s wrong; I am trapped in a limbo-ed hell. I can’t take one step more; I am too weary. I fear my hardened heart has given up on all that I once believed to be true. No more hope. No more trust. No more faith. No more sorrow. No more shame. No more pressing forward when forward brings only pain. No more darkness. No more light. No more thoughts of revolution; the world’s a stagnant place. No more freedom. No more peace. No more fighting for things that will never be... no more me.
God, I pray for a reason for me. Otherwise, let my organs cease, let my breath run out, and let my soul fade away. I seek not ‘freedom’ nor ‘happiness’ but the damnation that is mine anyway.
Everything is silent. Even the noise is silent... hollow... empty. Everything I touch is silent. Insanity pervades around me. Do I drink it in and drown? Do I tread the stormy sea of sanity until drowning is the only choice? The further I swim, the more lives I touch, the more damage I do... even the clicking of this pen against the paper is hollow.
I am exhausted, and in such exhaustion the doorway to insanity grows more vivid. The world fades and slows around me. The air becomes an unbreathable void, lacking of anything save aspiration. If I walk, I walk too fast; if I stand still, the world flies away. I can naught but sit and stare and wonder why all I see is null. . . why all I am is a prince in a ‘world of void.'
No monthly payments;
Debt will always pile on. . .
I am naught but spent.
(Although applicable to my then financial situation; I was referring to love.)

My bitter-seared eyes
Spawn tears of chartreuse envy
And burn my stained cheeks
More conflicted hues
Bind the brightened dew of hope
To murky puddles
Thus nailed to my cross
Feel I no more God’s true Light
Only seething blood
One star’s touch to burn
Yet no star’s touch lights too cold
Sun’s death touch is want
To leave may seem free
To stay seem a lesser choice
Yet turn not can I
Mirrors reflect him
The man standing where I stand
And nobody else
Despite strong stance
The roots of this tree wain quick
As but a breeze blows
The lake an honest maid?
Her waters taste sweet save held
But held is “the way”
The Order of the Violet Rose
They, the Order of the Violet Rose,
They taste the light through darkened rows
They’re asked to understand
That though they know the love, they never touch
As touching taints the dew

They, the Order of the Violet Rose,
They know the sorrow noone knows
They’re asked to all-withstand
That though they feel the love, they never touch
As touching wilts anew

Few are they, and lone are they
They, in silence, stand
They, the Order of the Violet Rose,
Will ever know of pain
For they, in silence, lone, and few
Must hold the violet stain
Crumpled Paper
I live my life like a
Crumpled paper
Tumbleweed-ing in the wind
Crumbled idea
Wadded up and thrown aside

How I wish for
No more wastebins
No more fire
Robin Hood
Forlorn and long distraught
I stand with calloused knees
I stand with calloused heart
I look the winds before me fall
In shades of black and grey

The humbled heart ‘once bled
Now bleeds but numb and fades
I aimed to please
Now please to aim
No more the helpful man

Help is not what world seeks
But lies and thieves, their guilds
Noone would have an honest man
For if he befriend an honest man
He, honest, too, should be
Honesty, a heavy shawl,
Shall surely weigh him down

So join the guild, and turn your back
On honest hands out-held
But when you see my jaded eyes
In th’shadowed guilded halls,
Be warned:

The honest man I hold as friend
So steal I not from him,
But those whose hearts of greeded blood
Bleed “warmth” from guild-within