Dear Family,

(I would very much appreciate any input, suggested revisions, etc. before I send this out to my family.)

I sincerely hope you all know how much I love, respect, and admire each of you. I do appreciate your concern for me and my choices in regards to being gay.

Many, if not all, of you I'm sure are worried that I am heading down the wrong path. I wish I could take that burden from you. All I can really do is try to assure you that my decisions are not made with my genitals and hormones but with a sincere desire to do what is right for me, not just for this life but also for the next.

Years were spent in earnest and sincere prayer, meditation, fasting, scripture study, et al. as I sought to know what I should do. I was, am, and will always be genuinely willing to do whatever I feel inspired to do, no matter what it may be. I trust my relationship with God.

I no longer struggle with anything 'being gay'-wise. I am dating guys. I no longer have virgin lips... and [I]n my sincere seeking to understand God's will for me, I have felt absolutely nothing but encouragement and a sense that God is pleased with me and the direction my life is heading.

While it has troubled me that you struggle with my decisions, most likely not trusting the sincerity of my intentions, words, or testimonies, I have decided that I have done all I can to help you with your burden concerning me.

Now the struggle is yours. I will continue to do everything I can to help you through this struggle... though, like I said, all I can do is be completely open and honest with you. Again, it's up to you now. I will not try to force any dialogue. I will not try to force any decision.

I will respect any decision you make, even if it means that you won't be at my wedding (if I end up finding Mr. Future Hubs), if I can't attend family gatherings because my boyfriend or husband wouldn't be invited, etc. Yes, it will be painful for me. I'm sure tears will be shed on my behalf, but I understand that respect is a 'two-way street,' so to speak. I can't expect you to respect my wishes of being treated as any other sibling regardless of whom I love, date, and marry if I don't respect your desire to keep me at a distance because you cannot support my decisions.

That being said, I do hope that those I date will be treated the same as those anyone else has dated or is dating. I do hope that the person I end up marrying will be treated and seen the same as any other in-law. If it doesn't end up happening, then I'll deal with that pain the best I can.

Again, I love you all dearly. I hope and pray for the very best for each of you and your families.

Love,
Andrew Martin

Butch

Recently, I went to an auto salvage yard, got me a taillight for my car, and installed it myself.

Yeah, I'm pretty butch.

Okay, okay, so it didn't even require any tools, just the pure power of my hands.

Admittedly, my recent 'butchness' pales in comparison to my last summer adventure of building my own sprung dance floor out of scratch, mostly by myself.

Yeah, I'm pretty butch, indeed.

(now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take a nice, warm, exotic cherry blossom bubble bath)

My Spring Break Needs

I need:

• to renew my car registration;
• to program a custom accounting program for my dance academy;
• to finalize my Tango and Paso Doble choreography;
• to install the trim on my dance floor;
• to make my wings;
• to cut one more song;
• to design tickets;
• to finally get things ready for my web programmer;
• to get caught up on my curriculum;

• ... to relax and have fun??
  

Underoos Panty-kratz

Warning: This post may cause you to visualize me in my underwear... not that you haven't already*

I had a few hours to kill today, so I decided to walk aimlessly around a few stores. In my not-even-window-shopping, I noticed the wall of Underoos in Target.

Reminded of the nickname (referring to the title of this post) my sister, Teena, had haphazardly given me a few years ago, I perused the selection.

"Oooh, Spider-Man Boxer Briefs."

[eyes widen]

"GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PRINTS?!"

(reading package of largest size) "...hmm... I weigh more than twice that much, and my waist is almost 6 inches larger..."

About $6 and 20 minutes later, I'm in my sister's bathroom squeezing into my first pair of Underoos in perhaps 20 years... realizing as I look into the mirror that I had finally bought a pair of underwear that may just let me keep my gay card.

Rise: Über-Low
Goods: Smashed
Novelty: Off the Charts

In related news: I have, for the first time in my life, been thankful for my small derrière.

*I jest ; calme-toi !

Dangerous

Teaching kiddos is a dangerous job.

I swear this is like my hundredth cold (or whatever this evilness is) this year.

... one more class, and then I'll be able to go to bed...

Degrees of Accomplishment

A recent experience reminded me that I have a "degree system" for my goals.

I guess the best way to explain what I mean is to give an example:

Base Goal:
Make BYU's Ballroom Team

• First Degree - Make team before graduation.
• Second Degree - Make team first year trying out.
• Third Degree - Be told by one of the dance instructors that I should try out.
• Fourth Degree - Be invited onto team without trying out.

I accomplished this example goal to the 3rd degree, it being only one of three that has gone so far. One of those three surpassed the fourth degree (not only did I take state in dramatic interpretation with a perfect score, my nose started to bleed at the most perfect of times as I was performing my piece--Jekyll & Hyde--for the medal round).

Now, I don't actually sit down and think out specific conditions for the degrees of my goals. I merely set the base goal, and then, once I've accomplished my goal, I tend to evaluate to what degree it was accomplished.

And I'm always more than happy accomplishing my goals to the first degree.

Waiting Until Marriage (Reprise)

On Friday one of my older brothers visited and told me, "I know you can change if you just wanted it." As he 'bore his testimony,' I realized, remembering wanting to change more than I needed water, that my family is going to see what they want to see, no matter what I do.

What does this have to do with waiting until marriage?

Well... I have failed to admit (even to myself) the real reason why I felt like I should wait until I was married before I had sex.

I wanted to use my premarital chastity as bragging rights, to be able to use it as ammunition against my family and any other naysayers.

... I also felt that I had to prove my worth to them... and to God...

It was all based on feelings of fear and worthlessness.

So I took last night (and I mean the entire night) to analyze, evaluate, ponder, meditate, and pray.

In such, I realized that I had nothing to prove. My family will think whatever they think. God is guiding me, step by step, and will warn me when I'm stepping over the bounds of what I should be doing.

Thus, I realized that the most important thing I should do, not just with sex, is keep my personal connection with God strong and listen to His guidance.

In whole, this experience has brought me even more peace, comfort, and has removed yet another weighty burden from my shoulders.

Plain and simple is this plan which has never let me down.

Although...

... I did kind of lose a friend...

The good... the bad...

... the Monkees

As cruddy as the last few days were, they have opened up some dialogue between my parents and me.

I'm hoping it will continue to be positive, especially now that I am no longer bitter or angst-ridden toward the LDS Church... now that I have a much more level head on my shoulders than last I talked with my parents about me being homo and my choices therein.

... I sometimes forget that shit is the original fertilizer... and I grewed up on a crop farm...

chicken crap smells the worst

WTHeck?

OMGosh, karma, what the hell did I do to deserve the bitch slap that has been this weekend?

By the way people are treating me, it's like I've been kicking orphans for fun...

One of *Those* Days

Well, today started off like crap.

The day has just begun, and I'm already ready for it to be over.

That's always nice.

Oh sweet, a new episode of Scrubs.

The day is looking up already.

Deal Breakers of the Second Variety

I spent the evening tonight with my life-long friend (seriously, we were basically best friends when our mothers were pregnant with us) and his wife.

As I was driving home, I decided that I'd like Mr. Future Hubs to be able to get along with them. So much so that I think it would be a deal breaker if the four of us couldn't enjoy an evening together just sitting around, shooting the breeze (people still use this idiom, yes?).

I've also decided that my 'bff' Sarah will need to approve of Mr. Future Hubs. She's a good judge of character and has become one of the greatest supports and supplements to my life.


I'm still debating on "being able to dance really well."

On one hand, I'd very much like to be able to dance the Rumba full out with someone, and I don't think I could do that (let such barriers down) with anyone except a luvuh; however, on the other hand, I don't know if that's a requirement, how important it is to me...

... there are a few other possible deal breakers that I'm debating as well...

One of Those Days

It's been one of those "a little under the weather, nothing major, but enough to just want to stay low-key" days.

Although I've become content with the possibility that I may never meet Mr. Future Hubs*, on days like this I do think that it would be really nice to have a significant other to cuddle up with and watch a movie.

But tonight it's looking like it's just me, a blanket, a pillow, Spencer Bear (my teddy bear I've had since I was almost 3), some dark hot chocolate with chocolate raspberry creamer, and either Precious or Pan's Labyrinth.

While not as appealing as cuddling with a 'luvuh,' I think it'll do tonight.

*I honestly do not say such in any sort of cynical way. I just think it's logical that I should prepare for this possibility.

Replacing Sushi

For the past two or three years, I've had three goals that aren't really vital to my life--meaning, I don't need to accomplish these goals in order to feel like my life was worthwhile.

The goals:

1. Learn how to swim;
2. Go camping for the first time; and
   
3. Try sushi

Now that I've tried sushi, I'm thinking of replacing the third goal with another not-really-necessary goal... you know, always keep three such goals replenished throughout my life.

After thinking of several possibilities, I've decided that my new goal is [drum-roll]:

• Go on a road-trip to Canada
  

Clinical vs "Common" Depression

Preamble: As I am apt to do, I am using my own terminology, not necessarily "the standard."

If I had to curtly explain the difference between what I clinical depression and what I call common depression, it would be thus:

With common depression, the negative thoughts are created by an event (i.e. a death of a loved one).

With clinical depression, the negative thoughts, while often triggered by an event, are created by a chemical imbalance.

Counseling is beneficial for both types of depression, in my opinion. Medicines, on the other hand, I feel are best suited for clinical depression and could possibly worsen common depression by messing with the body's chemicals when it is simply reacting as it should.

One needn't be too astute to realize that perhaps the greatest difficulty in treating depression lies in realizing whether or not the depression is based upon circumstance or a chemical imbalance triggered by circumstance.

I, personally, used to believe that my depression was mostly circumstantial.

Until last year.

Everything was going great. My future looked amazing^4. Then, one night as I was walking to my room ~SCHTUK~ I was done with life.

I had no reason to feel depressed. I had no reason to want to give up. Indeed, quite the opposite was true.

Nonetheless, I didn't care about anything. The positive didn't matter. The lack of negative didn't matter.

If you were to have asked me, "If you could steal away to anywhere, where would you go?" I would have answered, "Six feet under."

... I was once again tied up by depression.

Pensif

Lately I've been keeping my blog mostly light-hearted, maybe even "fluffy" if you will.

I've been avoiding my deeper pensive moments, mostly because such have been on the topic of clinical depression... and I didn't want to sound all 'emo.'

But a few people have recently asked me what I think about/what it's like when I'm low and how/why I hit lows.

So maybe it's time I talked a little more in depth about this gig called depression...

Homo No mo'

I've decided I'm straight from now on.

This whole homosexual thing is... well... it's kind of gay.

...

... oops, I just squealed "yay!" with a queer shoulder shrug of joy when I saw that the newest episode of Project Runway's seventh season is finally up online... I'm not off to a very good start...

Sc-uh-roo it...

I was going to title my posts after each track on Jamie Cullum's latest release... but I don't like it enough to do so.

So, screw it.

I've been in a "screw it" kind of mood all week.

I think I'll make me some Naan tomorrow.

(That's right... with a capital N!)

If I Ruled the World

... or reasons why I'm not...

• we would hibernate for 6 months every year;
• nobody would know what the hell was going on;
• I would get marzipan for free;
• actually, there wouldn't be any money;
  
• education would be top priority;
• they would make clothes for short, petit guys;
• I would live in a small castle with amazing gardens;
• criminals wouldn't go to jail but have to walk on all fours (they would be fixed with an apparatus to force such);
• haute couture would be the common dress; and
  
• everything would be open during the night.

p.s. I decided to go with a separate blog for my poetry and choreography.

Wheels

It's time to "put the top down" on my car and get over my shirtless-in-public-phobia.

I'm thinking this phobia is probably residue from my gym-class days, having associated being shirtless with being vulnerable, turned on in a way that I was not supposed to be.

Much like I've been cleaning up the muck from my resent house-flood, I need to clean up the muck resulting from the clogged mains of gay Mormonism.

I'm All Over It

Getting back home after teaching I thought to myself, "Self, it's time to start cleaning the carpets and mopping the floors!"

... so I'm writing on my blog...

Not that I have anything to say, really.

I just want to... sit in this horrible smell...

... now that I put it that way...

Just One of Those Things

My house smells wonderful right now... like fifty wet towels that have been lying around for a week.

Tree roots attacked the main line, and the basement flooded.

Now I need to clean my carpets like cows need to cud their food.

... tonight, I fear, is going to be a long night...

At least I can use the plumbing again.

♪Hi♫

Hi
Dear blogulas. Andrew is taking a nap.
You may remember my coolness from ?2? weeks ago.

Anyhways, I got stuck in SL,UT on Fridays and watched a movie with some bums. & Utah bums are a whole lot nicer than some other bums I've met. A Whole Lot.

Speaking of movies, check out shaolin grandma . We just watched it, and I must say it is an ~awfully~ good movie.

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Le water main is blocked right now, and its made for a naztecs weekend. I'm waiting for the plumbers to come and fix it, so I can shower.

♥Bye everybody & Stay Cute!♥

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PS I did not Infiltrate. This is totes magotes with permissions. If cheds says otherwise he is a sneaky snake.

Also saxophone is still not gross.

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PPS This is Andrew now. E-mail me for a good time.
____________________
[Just kidding. hes still nappin.]