Thursday, February 25, 2010


Twisting grief around the shine of metallic end and
Listing lives in bullet points, unsafetied errors tally marks
of blooded dreams and
lame awakes
No more to shine in
but sooted smoke

~Dedicated to those who are lost in the hollow smog of ignorance~

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Post Daemon Today...

Firstly, this song would make for a fantastic goof-off make out session (at least it does in my mind).

Secondly, official video... Duffy, you should hire me for choreography. For part of my c.v. you can expect a post-bronze/pre-silver open int'l cha cha cha to this song posted on my blog soon. (I hope you don't mind me using the song to help advertise what my kids will be able to do after my bronze latin class; if you do, just let me know.)

[talking to myself] ... actually, I think I'm going to create another blog just for my poetry and choreography. Not everybody enjoys such things... I guess readers can just skip over such posts if they so desire... hmm... we'll see.

In the meantime, my latest poems:


Ash, the color of his sputum
The vilest heart condemns him
To this unforgiving blood


On sait jamais
les mots
quand on n’aime plus

Les histoires
sont belles
mais ne sont plus

Et la tristesse
y reste
malgré ce bonheur

Pourtant quand on
aime fort
Il n’y a que la lune

La brillance
plus fort
que le soleil même

La révérence
en l’amour
Vaut bien la peine

De sa mort

mostly literal translation:
You never know
the words
When you no longer love

is beautiful
But is no more

And sadness
despite that happiness

However, when one
loves strongly
there's only the moon

Its brightness
even stronger
than the sun

Its reverence
in love
Is worth the penalty

Of its death

RE: Happy to Be Gay?

This is a response to boskers's* post, "Happy to Be Gay?"

Just as I attribute being a living organism equally to my heart, lungs, et al., I attribute who I am equally to being short, absent minded, gay, et al..

It's my philosophy that all things contribute, in a way, to each other, culminating the being.

That is to say, I don't see anything "simply as another characteristic," compartmentalizing traits like I used to separate the food on my plate, not wanting the items to touch, when I was younger.

Relating such to happiness, I believe segregating one's traits creates a situation similar to what is said in Matthew 6:24, "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."

Happiness comes in accepting everything of oneself as oneself, no trait greater than or really separate from another; otherwise, one will tend to love one trait and despise another.

This includes our weaknesses.

Like I tell my students, one needs to accept and be happy with where one is. Such does not mean one should never expect to improve, but understanding where one can be, what one can become, must neither negate nor degrade where and who one is.

Otherwise, one's progress and happiness are impeded.

*yes, I add an apostrophe-s to singular nouns that end in s.

Just What I Needed

I just spent the last hour in my dark room, snuggling in my covers and listening to Rockferry as a cold chill bled everywhere from the open windows.

... it was... delightful...

Thanks, Mr. Haws for the introduction.

My Needs

(If you can guess this post's 'naming convention,' extra points.)

I need:
  • to go to the opera (on a date preferably);
  • to watch Big Love tonight before I fall asleep;
  • Liszt's complete works;
  • a generous, rich philanthropist contact who wants to help bring professional dance to those who can't afford it (as well as to help strengthen the arts in general);
  • to cut my toenails;
  • to change my dentist appointment;
  • to star gaze;
  • swedish fish;
  • an accountant for my academy;
  • my own house;
  • more time in the day;
  • fresh pineapple;
  • fresh kiwi;
  • to go grocery shopping;
  • to cut a bunch of songs;
  • to make my wings;
  • to go to bed.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


My blog was infiltrated last night.

Things were said that are not my position.

For example: The saxophone most often makes me want to peel off my skin and roll around in lemon juice.

Major Turn-off.

Other turn-offs include:
  • Smoking (I've already mentioned this)
  • Illegal/recreational drug use
  • Sincere vanity
  • Piercings (Gauges x 838)
  • Really big muscles
  • Women (heh, perhaps obviously)
  • Being unkind
  • Using unwilling people and/or people who have not given their explicit consent for a laugh
    • (i.e. being inappropriate in a public place with a "If they're bothered, it's their problem" kind of attitude)
  • Trying to force me to do something
  • Attitude of "If I like it; everyone should like it"
  • Needing money/things to be happy
  • Not wanting children
  • Needing constant affirmation
  • Thinking that, in a gay relationship, one person is the "man" and the other is the "woman"
  • Needing to be hyper-social

Turn-ons include:
  • Smiling and saying, "Thank You" to store greeters
  • Random acts of service
  • All acts of service
  • Sense of humor compatible with mine
  • Being good with kids
  • Geekiness or Nerdiness
  • Profound eyes
  • Intelligence
  • Dark hair
  • Confidence with humility
  • Studying what one loves, not what will be the "best for business"
  • Meekness*
  • Blushing
  • Tactful bluntness
  • Supportive-ness
  • Talent (esp. with the piano)
  • Innocence
  • Small... packages...
  • Romance
  • Passion
  • Enjoying dance
  • Matching with me in that inexplicable way

*As I understand things, humility is sincerely understanding and knowing your strengths, weaknesses, talents, etc. and not esteeming yourself higher or lower than anyone else. Meekness is being teachable. While the latter requires humility, they are not really the same thing... at least not in my book.


PS saxophone is sexy as hell.

also paul is the coolest ever. and is probably the coolest thing that will happen in my boring life.

i suck.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Sushi Down

Going camping for the first time, and learning how to swim to go.

Friday, February 19, 2010

About a Boy

namely: Me

I'm a little obsessed with personality tests.

*Real* personality tests.

Not "Which alcoholic beverage would taste best between your toes and a Sunday afternoon when the clouds are gray?"

I like tests like the Myers & Briggs / Jung personality test.

Like the ones on MyType, an application on facebook.

Like, yeah.

Anyway, my results of the five tests on MyType -- I think they describe me quite well (I guess, if you're my friend, you can just check them out if you haven't already... non-friends* can maybe see them too, I don't know, I don't care so much about privacy):

Personality Type: The Theorist (INTP)

You are clearly an Introvert
You scored 77% in the direction of Introversion, which means you are clearly an Introvert. People who are clearly Introverts are reserved, quiet, and contemplative. They dislike the social pressures of large groups and being the center of attention, but are not necessarily shy. They frequently spend time alone in order to reflect and "recharge".

You are clearly an iNtuitive
You scored 99% in the direction of iNtuition, which means you are clearly an iNtuitive. People who are clearly iNtuitives are so focused on the "big picture" that they often overlook the details. Because of this, some people may see them as absent-minded. But don't be fooled: these iNtuitives quickly notice underlying patterns, hidden relationships and ironies that others miss. They enjoy considering the ways people or ideas are connected and are constantly thinking about the future, particularly how to change it.

You are clearly a Thinker

You scored 100% in the direction of Thinking, which means you are clearly a Thinker. People who are clearly Thinkers are tough, objective, and calculating. They do not let emotions get in the way of reason or cloud their judgment. They seek and express the truth, however ugly it may be. Their words are precise, direct, and sometimes critical.

You are clearly a Perceiver
You scored 99% in the direction of Perceiving, which means you are clearly a Perceiver. People who are clearly Perceivers lead a flexible, spontaneous lifestyle and avoid making definite plans whenever possible. They get excited by starting something new but find it difficult to finish. They see all sides of every situation, so much so that it is often unclear to them what's "right". When faced with a decision, they will put it off for as long as possible in order to consider all their options. Even once the decision is made, they often second guess themselves.

(There were some questions where I was a little torn about what I would do, but I decided to go with what I would viscerally want to do. Specifically, I do act a little/lot more feeling. I mean, I'm pretty sure I have feelings, but logic and thinking truly rules my internal life. However, when I let out my feelings, I tend to get all awkward and childlike. My emotions are often very raw; so, I rarely really let them out.)

Compatible With: The Executive (ENTJ)

You like Extroverts
Extroverts tend to be naturally expressive, active, and social people. Though they do sometimes want privacy or time alone to reflect, they generally prefer to be involved in some sort of activity, often in an interactive group setting.

You like iNtuitives

iNtuitives like to discuss ideas and tend to approach new information intuitively, focusing on the "big picture" rather than specific details. They find the future more interesting than the past, because they can shape it. While they recognize the value of down-to-earth practicality and concrete experience, they tend to emphasize the importance of imagination and inspiration.

You like Thinkers

Thinkers recognize the value of feelings but are more comfortable with logic and reason. They tend to be straightforward with others and are not easily offended. They often notice where there is room for improvement in a person or situation.

You like obvious Judgers
People who are clearly Judgers love to make decisions. Organized and thorough in their work, they make and stick to plans. One of life's small pleasures for them is checking off items on their to-do lists. Every thing in their lives has its place, and they are diligent about putting it there.

Big Five Personality: The Laidback Type

You scored in the 10th percentile on Extraversion, which is low. You tend to be shy and prefer to avoid crowded social situations. You don't like to take charge of people or activities. You prefer the quiet of being at home and have no trouble entertaining yourself.

You scored in the 62nd percentile on Agreeableness, which is average. You always try to be kind and considerate to others. You trust people, but you are aware that not everyone has your best intentions in mind. In group situations you don't look for problems, but you aren't afraid of conflict when it seems necessary. You help people when they need it and you are sympathetic to the plights of others.


You scored in the 5th percentile on Conscientiousness, which is low. You don't like to worry or take things too seriously. You tend to be impulsive and dislike planning things in advance. You're not too concerned with punctuality and organization. You tend to be laid back and like to just go with the flow.

Emotional Stability
You scored in the 92nd percentile on Emotional Stability, which is high. You are above it all and are rarely affected by stressful situations. When everything goes haywire you're the one calmly assessing the situation. You are generally relaxed and calm and can handle anything that comes your way. You tend not to worry about what others think of you, and it takes a lot to get you upset or sad.

Openness to Experience
You scored in the 91st percentile on Openness to Experience, which is high. You place a high value on creativity and inventiveness. You appreciate beauty and tend to get really involved in artistic experiences. You are adventurous and are always looking to try new things. You value intelligence in others and enjoy having intellectual debates and having your views challenged. You are always ready to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values.

Highest Value: Self-Direction

You scored in the 11th percentile on Power, which is low. You do not need to be in control of other people or resources, and do not strive for social status or power. The competitive aspect of power may even turn you off.

You scored in the 12th percentile on Achievement, which is low. Life is short. You'd rather not stress yourself out on trying to "get ahead". You want a good life, but let the guy working over-time get the over-achiever awards.

You scored in the 2nd percentile on Hedonism, which is low. Life may be full of pleasure, but you're often too preoccupied to enjoy it. No pain, no gain.

You scored in the 86th percentile on Stimulation, which is high. You seek out new experiences and are always up for a challenge. Risk? What risk? You live life in the fast lane.

You scored in the 98th percentile on Self-direction, which is high. You are creative, freedom-loving, and curious. You enjoy being independent and outside the control of others and may have a particular creative or artistic bent, which you seek to indulge whenever possible.

You scored in the 87th percentile on Universalism, which is high. You are drawn towards goals and movements that are larger than yourself. You are very tolerant, peace-loving and close to nature. You are very interested in the welfare and perspectives of all people, and promote justice and equality for all.

You scored in the 96th percentile on Benevolence, which is high. You tend to put the needs of friends and loved ones above your own. You are very loyal: if someone close to you neglects or hurts you, you try to forgive and continue to be supportive.

You scored in the 40th percentile on Tradition, which is average. You recognize some value in tradition, but you are also willing to question it. You respect and follow the good traditions and ignore or downplay the bad ones.

You scored in the 42nd percentile on Conformity, which is average. You follow the rules, but you also use your own common sense, which every once and awhile means breaking them. The same thing goes for social norms: you do your best to do the polite and expected thing, but sometimes you have to ignore the norm and go your own way. What the group thinks is important, but you're not about to follow the herd off a cliff.

You scored in the 1st percentile on Security, which is low. You see many people as too worried about safety. People need to relax. You can't control the future, so you might as well not worry about it so much.

... so, that's pretty much a decent understanding of how my mind works. Although, I wouldn't agree with the "You can't control the future," line too much. I have a pretty solid internal locus of control.

If you are my facebook friend, you should take the tests if you haven't done so already. Like I said, I'm kind of obsessed with these kinds of tests, not just taking them, but reading the results of other people's.

*Why anyone wouldn't want to be my friend, I don't know... can't stand my fabulness [sic] I s'pose... only joking; I know I'm like penicillin, good for what ails you, but too much isn't the best of ideas.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Dear Mormon Church,

You should let your youth take my ballroom classes instead of going to mutual without making them feel like bad Mormons.

Ballroom is an uplifting, mutual, and social activity--as well as an excellent skill which is healthy for your mind and body (further explanation will be found on my website soon).

There's also economical and social benefits as the more the Academy prospers, the more jobs I'll be able to open up, and the more scholarships we will be able to offer to students who cannot afford to learn dance.

Having those evening hours on Tuesday and Wednesday would be extremely beneficial to the Academy... please?!

Besides, I learned more about being an awesome hetero husband and luvah dancing ballroom than playing stupid crab soccer.

It would also help Mormon kids be less dorky and much more awesome. Like me.

Yours Not So Truly Anymore Because You Don't Like Homos,
Andrew M. Pankratz


This, my post number "four twenty," will not be discussing marijuana.


Well, I guess I'll say that I've never tried the stuff, and I never will--and that it's a major turn-off for me, as is all smoking.

I always feel heartbroken whenever I see a cute guy and then he starts puffing on a cigarette.

Okay, maybe not heartbroken, but I am all like, "Ah man, what a waste."

I have been kind of... lusty? ... today. Walking around Walmart, waiting for my prescription to get filled, I was all, "Hmm... he's kind of cute..."

Of course, I wouldn't want to meet my luvuh at Walmart.

Home Depot, on the other hand...

Or in a minor car accident.

With my luck, we'd meet on an airplane as it was crashing, and we'd both die before we could even kiss... *sigh* ... how romantic.

I've decided that I enjoy tragic stories too much that I'm destined for one.

That way, I can look back at my life and think, "Awww, what a beautifully sad story!"

My eyes are killing me. I just switched my contacts, too.

I'm pretty blind. -6.00, both eyes.

I want laser eye surgery.

And a pet platypus.

I hear they make lousy pets, though.

Then again, most people want pets that are always up in your business, like dogs.

I much prefer cats. They're much more Chedner-esque, aloof and "You come to me, bitch, but only if I want you to."

I would get a cat, but it's SO cliché gay.

My costume for Swan Lake better turn out as I'm hoping. I'll be playing Rothbart, the evil sorcerer.

It (the costume) is going to be tricky and a LOT of work, and if it doesn't turn out, I'll curse.

One of my least favorite sounds is the sound of my alarm on my phone.

I have to get ready to go teach tap.

I kind of have a headache, not looking forward to noise. Of course, my tappers are doing pretty well. Their sounds are rather clean and clear... and under control.

Anyway, off to teach.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Talkin' to God

A lot of people, not knowing exactly what levity entails*, think God is some super serious being.

I prefer to think of God as more jovial, like below:

Me: I think I'm ready for a family and all that jazz.

God: You may be, but he isn't.

Me: He, eh? Who's this 'he' you have in mind?

God: Patience, you'll find out when it's time.

Me: What's with you and patience? 'Makes me want to go kick down trash cans.

[God and I both chuckle.]

Me: Heh, I can be patient.

God: I know, now go get some ice cream.

Me: Okay, God... oh, and I am grateful for my metabolism. I know I often wish I could gain weight more easily, but if I had to choose between struggling to gain weight and struggling to lose weight, I'd definitely go with the former.

God: So, does this mean you're ready to learn how to swim this summer... you know, be without a shirt in public?

Me: Patience.

[God and I both chuckle.]

Me: Thanks for setting me up for that one; you're a pal.

God: Hahah, you're welcome.

*levity = being inappropriate in that "you've crossed a line" sort of way.

Dear Mr. Tchaikovsky,

I hope you aren't thinking, "What the hell are you doing to my Swan Lake?!"

Admittedly, we've made some additions to the story and had to cut the music quite a bit so we could fit it into about an hour production (we are dealing with beginning dancers [and audience members], after all).

But I'm hoping you'll agree that our version pretty much is going to be awesome and that you'll be pleased and not rolling over in your grave.

To be honest, if I may be like my mother, I could swear I could feel your homo hand from beyond the grave guiding me as I re-orchestrated, in a manner of speaking, the music.

... at least I hope that's what your hand was doing... (all in good fun Pyotr; all in good fun).

Yours Truly,
Andrew M. Pankratz

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Speaking of theories...

I believe one of the reasons straight guys are most often weired out by gay guys is because straight guys both want and don't want to be found attractive by gay guys.

Most, obviously, don't admit to the wanting part.

Qui suis je ? d'où viens-je ? où vais-je ?

This post is inspired by Beloved Boyd's recent post.

Preamble: Firstly, this is merely a theory of mine; in no way is it a 'testimony' of any sorts. Purely logic*. Secondly, I believe that the greatest information one should be seeking from God is, "What wouldst thou have me do now?"

I theorize that if God exists and if God is our creator, then God did not hand pick our talents, traits, etc.

That is to say that I imagine that the creation of intelligence is much similar to the creation of a physical body (I'm not referring to the act of physical creation). Something initiates the creation and the laws of nature and physics and science basically take it from there.

From an "scholarly" LDS standpoint, I would imagine that God literally choosing each detail of us would, in a way, hinder our agency. I don't meant that we, ourselves, sit down and choose everything... I wish I could explain, but it would probably take me a doctorate thesis to do so.

Let it suffice, I suppose, to say that I picture God more as a parent, a guide, a teacher... not as a 'vain' sculptor, carving clay into the desired shape.

I say "vain" as I've heard many artist say that the work of art, in a way, was making the choices of what it was becoming, that trying to mold their creation into what they wanted was vain, futile.

As corny as it sounds, it's how my creative writing and choreography come to me. I really don't feel like I'm writing or choreographing it, but that it's writing or choreographing itself (trust me, I honestly roll my eyes just writing that... but it's true, corny-be-it).

I guess I could also say that I believe that we are as... well, as we are... and God is teaching us how to be that best "are" ... that we ... are...

Harumph, I don't know how to explain my thoughts succinctly.

Ah well, I guess it's time for me to pop my sleeping pill, watch the next episode of Big Love, and then fall asleep in a chemical hug.

*logic has to do with conditionals, and frankly very little to do with deciding if something is true or not in and of itself (merely if something is true based on a conditional; meaning, logic is completely applicable to faith... i.e. if(God.exists){//insert possible religious code here}).

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Dances for a New World

One of bosker's recent posts as well as a previous comment he made about ballroom dancing being hedonistic got me, and I hope I don't offend, kind of laughing.

He's not the first, and I'm sure he won't be the last, person I've talked to who is all, "Bleh, ballroom... I'm going to go dance at a club."

In fact, I think O-Mo was the first person I talked to who said something similar.

I'm not exactly sure I follow the line of thinking... it seems... quite backwards.

I mean, dancing to entertain = hedonism, but dancing at a club to attract some sexy-time = just having fun?

... reeeally? ...

(I'm not singling boskers out; again, I've talked to several people who've said pretty much the same thing... and I'm calling you all out.)

Friday, February 12, 2010

Masters of the Universe

I've been noticing for sale signs by houses lately.

I think I'm ready to be completely on my own, kill my own houseplants for a change (right now I'm house-sitting for my parents while they're on a mission).

Wrap myself completely up in a cocoon of hermit life.

I'll need to find a house on a faraway hill, so I can be that crazy guy whom nobody really knows... and everybody dares each other to go ring my doorbell.

I guess that doesn't work too well as a teacher... kids are bound to get to know me...


I need to develop my language learning software (I've yet to see a method like mine) so I can make millions and revolutionize the way another language is learned.

Heh, my method probably doesn't work as well as theorized.

But a guy can dream, can't he?!

Beaurocracy is Poop


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Twice Two Oh Six

I don't know why, but this week has been kind of crap.

Nothing specific.

Nothing even not-specific.

Just kind of crappy.

I think it's because I have been sleeping less and less lately.

Fortunately, I made it to the doctor this morning and got some meds (bleh, but it had to be done, I suppose) to help me work on my sleep deficit and hopefully get on a better schedule.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to pop a pill, watch me my weekly Naruto, and hopefully have a very restful night.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sins of the Father

Big Love. Season 4. Episode 5.

I was surprised at how much this episode affected me.

All those feelings of being exiled from life, not knowing where to go, having to start over without any guidance came rushing back to me.

And although I now have stability finally, I thought of those still in the torrent of uncertainty... everything they've been taught, everything they've been preparing for, falling to pieces.

Even those who decide to pursue heterosexual marriage can't take the path they've been planning ever since they were two.

I see the stupid mistakes made in this state of exile, scrounging for sustenance, only to have those who have caused the exile even further shun because of said mistakes.

But the mistakes are on the shoulders of the exilers, those that turn their backs on the daunting situation before their gay children and siblings and friends and neighbors.

Those who have only words of pity or condemnation. Those who ask, "Why can't you just be normal? What's your problem? Why are you making it worse than it has to be?!"

Those who point the finger and say, "Vile."

As the episode closed, the emotions that came up were raw and frothy and shaking and knee bending.

I begged, "... let this stop..."

And as I purged my emotions, I wondered, "Do 'they' not feel this pain?"

It is, after all, more equally theirs.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Magical Birthday

This year marks my super magical, special birthday of supreme wonder and awe.

That's right, I turn 27 on 27 May.

I usually never look forward to my birthday. Ever since after elementary school, it's pretty much been just another day to me. Don't get me wrong, though, I don't mean that in an sort of Eeyore tone, just that matter-of-fact-purely-logical Chedner tone.

For some reason, however, I'm looking forward to my birthday this year. I don't know why. I've really no specific reason to.

I've actually been feeling rather optimistic about 2010 in general.

I'm hoping that this just may be the year it all starts to come together.

The future for my Academy is looking fabulous (and promises not only to be an enjoyable career but one that will be able to provide for my future family down the road).

I'm starting to become a little more social (who knows, maybe I'll even meet someone who's both available and interested in dating me).

I'm dealing with my clinical depression in a more realistic way (another hurdle, I've decided, is being able to handle life with someone who will most likely be dealing with major depressive and general anxiety disorders for the rest of his life).

Even considering my insomnia3, my physical health has never been better (I'd still like to gain ~15-20 lbs, but I've also never been more content with my size as I am now).

And it all starts the year of my magical birthday.

... hmm... I'm thinking this optimism could be dangerous.

I mean, what happens if I'm all Pollyanna-ing life and ~SMACH~ the Academy crumbles and/or I am shunned by all my friends and/or my depression reaches a low of epic proportions and/or I develop some disease that wastes me away to absolutely nothingness, throwing me into financial ruin?!

I've been optimistic about a year or two before, and they never really were that great.

Yeah, I think I better find my old pessimistic self.

That way, I'll either get what I expect or be quite pleased.

This year and my birthday are going to suck dry sewage.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

To be or not to be...

... a hermit.

Admittedly, I enjoy my alone time.

But these past few weeks I've been a little more social than I usually am, and... I think I'm liking it.

Granted, my 'social outings' involve small numbers of people. Outings with lots of people... not really a fan.

And, living in the middle of nowhere, the outings begin and end with a long-ish drive of alone-ness... well, I guess I often invite Diana Krall or Jamie Cullum or Chopin or Don Juan or the likes along for the drive.

Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I should start trying to be more social, even if it's just a little bit.

Then again, meeting new people runs the risk of me finding new addictions... thanks a lot boskers for the recommendation of The Vision of EscaFlowne; I probably won't sleep until I've seen the entire series.

... speaking of which...

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Pankratz X

I've decided that, out of all of my ten siblings, I'm the coolest.

Being the tenth child, I lay claim to the title: Pankratz X

I am the penultimate child.

I am the penultimate boy.

My first name is the only one that starts with a vowel.

I'm the one who took the gay bullet.

... yeah... I'm pretty much the coolest...

(yes, this post is very much tongue-in-cheek)

Friday, February 5, 2010

Dear Sleep,

Who needs you?

I obviously don't.

You're a jerk, you know that, right? The way you shamelessly flirt with me and then disappear without even telling me when you're coming back, it's despicable.

I hope you're happy being with all those other people every night and not me. You're missing out. You know the kinds of dreams I have.

Yeah, well... no more, punk! From now on it's just daydreaming for me. I have more control over those, anyway.

I don't need you. I don't need your drama. Why did I even put up with you for so long?

You know you'll never find a guy whose dreams are even half as entertaining as mine. But, whatever, do what you want. I couldn't care less.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

My First Crush

There's two significant 'first crushes' in my life: my first "innocent" crush and my first "I'm in love" crush.

My first "innocent" crush befell me when I was seven. I was sitting in church, of all places. A boy was visiting and I remember staring at him and trying to figure out what was going on inside my mind. I decided I just "really wanted to be friends" with him.

Such was how I viewed my crushes on boys until [Him].



So many times I had "convinced" myself that I was over him... but the bastard keeps finding his way back into my heart.

Speaking of deal-breakers... my future hubs will have to, obviously, get me over [Him].

That's right, I still have yet to get over the blaggard.

Damn [Him]!

Good ol' BYU

I went to BYU this evening--or last night, if you want to be technical--to meet and support another blogger (great job, by the way) at the ballroom class labs (as well as to evaluate how my bronze level students would hold up against bronze level BYU students).

To be honest, I had mixed feelings being back there, especially watching ballroom. Part of me actually wants to go back, but most of me is very glad I left.

But I did realize a couple of things:

I am Not a "Dancer"

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that I'm swearing off dancing or that I don't think I'm good at dancing.

What I mean is that I don't take myself seriously on the dance floor. I dance for enjoyment, to entertain, and because... well... because I am good at it. It's a talent that I enjoy developing.

Before I am a dancer, though, I am by far a teacher and entrepreneur.

However, dance is the perfect string to tie the teacher and entrepreneur parts of me together. It is much more marketable than anything else I would love to teach (such as French, Philosophy, Creative Writing, Math, Logic, or Computer Programming).

And even though the technique curriculum is the same, I still get to be creative with the routines each semester and with the choreography for the performances (not to mention all the creativity in writing the performances, themselves--I'm currently writing my Halloween performance for my first ballroom & tap showcase teams). Being creative without boundaries is a must for me if I am to enjoy my work.

So, while I love to dance and teach dance, I wouldn't really classify myself as a dancer.

I am Not Ashamed of Being Gay

Unlike my previous days at BYU, I had absolutely none of those "... I can't let anyone even guess that I might be gay..." pings deep within.

In fact, I made up a game (now, I'm not assuming I'm the only one to play such a game) that I'm sure totally outed me to several people.

I call it "Marco Homo," and the rules are as follows:

First, I make eye contact with a potential gay boy. Then I give a very subtle "knowing" smile and nod (not an "I want you" look; it is easily mistaken as a friendly "hey" nod... at least I hope--I didn't get any negative reactions, anyway...).

I score thusly:
  1. If he blushes, looks away too quickly, or reacts oddly, he's most likely gay;
  2. If he smiles and nods back, he's straight; or
  3. If he smiles and nods back and then takes another look back after he walks by, he's definitely gay.
I thought it was fun.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Starting up a business is, indeed, exhausting... especially when you're doing your best to lay the foundation for a corporation that will be seeking out millions for facilities, scholarships, performances, competitions, and commissions for composers for new ballets.

And trying to get everything I want and need done with a decade of sleep deprivation has not been easy.

Thankfully I have a brilliant team which keeps growing.

My ballet director (who is also V.P.) is amazing; I love her choreography and artistic visions.

My board of directors is a great hodgepodge of differing opinions and ideas, which I love.

My financial adviser is a business genius, and he's going make our dreams come true.

I recently found a fantastic web developer with whom I've yet to go over things--I need to wait until the board meeting this Thursday so my plans can be okayed.

I've also found a composer for my first ballet--I'll be writing the story--I also still need to go over some things with him, to...

And, of course, the students; although most are just starting out (all in ballroom are just starting out), there's a superb amount of potential, and I have no fears about the fruition of my vision.

Anyway, I just needed to remind myself of all this... 'cause I'm dead and wondering how I'm ever going to get anything done.

As for right now, I'm going to take a bottle (hyperbole, calm down) of sleeping pills and go to bed.