Saturday, May 30, 2009


... is the fodder for hope.

Sometimes, in remembering who I am, I forget. But, sometimes, I think it's a good thing, forgetting who I am. It breaks the contentment and forces me to search for answers, answers I never really knew I needed.

It plows the field to prepare for a new crop of hope.

I wish I could say my new crop has completely sprouted. Some of it has, but I have the feeling that there's some more despair to feel before the entire field has germinated. I could be wrong.

I hope so.

On verra ...

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Harumph. My sour mood has yet to be lifted.

Part of it, too, may a be that I'm feeling rather ill. Or I could be feeling rather ill because of my sour mood. I haven't decided which it is yet.

I don't know how much longer my low mood is going to last. I'm feeling pretty fed up with this fight. It's getting more and more frustrating whenever I have to watch what I say, especially when all that I would say is something like, "I'll probably be adopting two or three kids down the road, after I find someone."

I know, I know, it's "weak" to ask "why?" ... but why does my life have to cause so much contention?

And, yes, I know, it's not my life, it's others' attitudes and beliefs that are causing the contention.

Still, though, it makes me want to dropkick something through a window.

But I don't want to leave on a grumpy note... so...

Haha... ah, that makes me feel better.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I Think I Know

I think I know why I'm mourning.

On Wednesday, I turn 26, but I still feel like I'm 16. I feel like the last decade of my life was wasted. Wasted cowering in fear, scared, not knowing what to do, where to go, to whom to turn.

I'm mourning my 10 year death, all the experiences I could have had but didn't because I was consumed with the fear of being gay. I was consumed with the determination to prove to myself that I wasn't gay, to prove to myself that I could change, to prove to myself that I could live a celibate life, to prove to myself that... that I wouldn't be missed.

And the thing is, I don't know if I've figured anything out at all.

I still don't know that I've truly accepted that I am gay. I tend to ignore it in my everyday life...

I don't think I'm completely okay with who I am.

I hate having to hide it from my nieces and nephews. I hate not being able to talk about it with my family, with my parents. I hate how it's such a huge deal, a secret, a family shame.

I hate how it will merely be endured at best, that it makes most people in my family uncomfortable. I hate it when they tell me that they're happy that I don't "act gay." I hate being afraid to dress nicely or to comb my hair a certain way or having any visible "gay traits."

I really, really, really just hate being gay right now.

C.R.A.Z.Y. ...

... gets my recommendation.

(I'm referring to this movie.)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Where Gay Marriage Advocates Have It Wrong

"It's about love."

If this is the main argument and we allow gay marriage, then anyone proclaiming love (beastiality, pedophilia, for example) should be allowed a marriage license.

"It's about freedom of religion."

If this is the main argument and we allow gay marriage, then anyone wanting to refresh the definition of marriage due to religious beliefs (polygamy, for example) should be allowed a marriage license.

The focus should be on showing that gay marriage is maturely consensual, monogamous throughout life, a healthy alternative to any other lifestyle, and has the potential to successfully raise children if desired.

In my opinion, such a standard is what marriage is all about: a mature, consensual, monogamous, committed through thick and thin, healthy, responsible, parental relationship.

I suppose one could argue that "able to produce children within itself" could be added as a criterion.

And, since we would have to go off of generalities and the healthiest & most exemplary versions of relationships suing for the title of marriage, barren heterosexuals would have claim to marriage.

The question would be, though, whether or not the ability to produce children is essential to a successful marriage.

Does the ability to produce children make a couple more monogamous?

Does the ability to produce children make a couple more committed?

Does the ability to produce children make a couple stronger parents?

Does the ability to produce children make a couple more responsible?

Furthermore, it could be questioned whether or not the ability to reproduce within the couple itself is essential -- as opposed to using other means of reproduction, such as surrogacy.

Anyway and in sum, gay marriage advocates need to more clearly argue that a gay couple holds all of the essential attributes that contribute to a successful marriage (which would require a solid argument as to what contributes to a successful marriage).

Sure, love is important. It's also vital that standards do not respect any religious beliefs. However, those are just small pieces of the entire argument.

Granted, there have been some significant strides in the legalization of gay marriage, and I'm thinking it's going to be country-wide sooner than I had originally thought. But I think we need to do a better job arguing the case in order to ease the anxieties of those so ardently against gay marriage.

Granted the second, some people simply cannot be convinced -- those immune to logic and reason.


It feels like I'm mourning but not yet.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well lately.

Maybe it's because I need marzipan.

Maybe it's because being a closeted straight boy has finally taken it's toll on me, and I need to come out and face the fact that I am not fabulously gay.

No... I don't know if I'm ready to face that horrible beast right now. I can't -- I just can't. It may just destroy me... or completely simply my life...

Thursday, May 21, 2009

MOM-y Mohos

Mohos in mixed orientation marriages (or MOM-y mohos), I would say, don't fit into a separate category but belong to one of the four previously mentioned categories.

That is, there are the MOM-y mohos who are self-righteous, proudly proclaiming that their actions are the "Light and the Way; Follow my behavior and receive your exaltation!!!"

There are the MOM-y mohos who have gay lovers on the side (or act out gayly in some way), pinging back and forth between repentance and cheating.

Then there are the MOM-y mohos who are sitting somewhat on the fence about one thing or another, whether it be their marriages, the Church's stance on gay marriage, how to fulfill unmet needs without being unfaithful to their spouses, etc.

Oh, there are the cultural MOM-y mohos, too -- I know of at least one.

And there's perhaps the fifth kind of moho, the one who is simply content with everything; there's really no fence sitting. Whether they are hetero-ly married or single, they are simply faithful mormons who happen to be attracted to the same sex -- no big deal. (Maybe this should be the fourth and the cultural mohos the fifth.)

Now, I should mention that I don't intend to imply any judgments on any of type of moho. Okay, okay, in all honesty, I do think the self-righteous mohos are pricks (as I feel about all self-righteous people)... I guess I should work on that, but I'm already going to hell, so screw it.

As long as I'm being honest, I guess I should admit that I do think that the second kind of moho can be hypocritical -- which I disdain as equally as self-righteousness. And, no, I don't disdain the people. Granted, I don't respect them -- but I don't hate them.

Concerning the third kind of moho, though, I have no qualms. I don't think them spineless guppies who need to grow a pair and make a decision.

This decision was the most difficult decision to make for me, personally -- it almost cost me my life. I can totally empathize with the fence sitters.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Third Moho

I failed to mention the third kind of moho -- the kind of moho I once was.

The third moho is the one sitting on the fence, not knowing what to do, waiting for God to carve an answer into stone tablets for them.

They may question some things about the Church but remain loyal to its counsels. They are usually sincere in simply wanting to do what is right.

Some are content with their limbo; others spend innumerable hours pouring over the scriptures and listening to every word of every Church official, hoping that something more understandable will be mentioned during the next General Conference.

I have no qualms with these mohos.

There's also the fourth kind of moho, the cultural moho -- those who have a Mormon past but don't really associate with the Church anymore.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


My parents leave for the Netherlands in less than one month. For their going away party, they've asked my siblings to make dishes from their mission.

I thought about making rainbow jell-o or blue jell-o with a pineapple equal sign in the middle (or maybe white knot cookies or something) , but I don't think it would go over well.

Friday, May 15, 2009

What I Am

I've decided that I'm a Log Cabin Mormon.

I believe in the Church that was founded on April 6, 1830 in the log cabin of Joseph Smith, Sr.

I believe that any principle which was not essential for the official setup of the Church of Christ is not essential for our salvation. Note the word essential. Other principles may bring us a greater understanding of how salvation works and what-not; however, I cannot believe that any principle that was not a requisite for God to give Joseph Smith the go-ahead to make the Church official could be an official requisite for gaining exaltation.

Indeed, I believe everything that is required of us to gain eternal life is found within the Book of Mormon. Again, anything more may give us a greater understanding of what salvation looks like, but the guidelines to gain salvation are laid out clearly and plainly within the Book of Mormon.

This stems into my view of the Bible. Anything not reiterated within the Book of Mormon -- which is basically a reiteration of biblical teachings and nothing more or less -- is not from God but from man, including the interpretation of the sins of Sodom & Gomorrah.

I believe God's Plan of Happiness is simple, plain, and humble; is not a respecter of persons; was founded upon the principle of charity, the pure love of Christ; and intrinsically fosters a joyful reaction.

Any message proposing God's plan which grants anything but joy and gratitude in any sincere heart is, at best, weighed down with haughty purposes foreign to God's purity.

This is my proposed roughly drafted creed of the Log Cabin Mormon.

I'm probably the only one, but log cabins tend to be pretty small, anyway.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Why I'm No Moho

I've never been too keen on the word "moho" ("Mormon" +"homosexual" = "moho").

In my mind, a moho tends to be one of two types of people:

The first are they who proclaim "I lived the gay lifestyle, and I testify that the standards of the Church are where true happiness lies!" These are they to whom the General Authorities will listen. These are they that usually proclaim themselves as leaders, examples, and what-not as they ooze self-righteousness.

The second are they who sing "I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" for three months, hook up with random other mohos for a month, repent, and start singing all over again. These are they that are seen as "doing their best" and are often coddled by the members of the Church because of "how hard it must be."

Both make it extremely difficult for the kind of gay Mormon that I am.

The "gay lifestyle" of the first is not the lifestyle I am seeking (not to mention that self-righteousness is one of the least appealing traits there is to have, in my opinion.). When they actually sit down and discuss what their lives were like, they often describe one night stands, partying, noncommittal relationships, sometimes drugs and alcohol, maybe the occassional story where they were rejected by someone they wanted to be with, etc.

The second's actions are simply oozing with hypocrisy and perpetuate the attitude that being gay is soley about sexual attraction.

Neither of these generalizations describe who I am and what I'm all about. So, I'm going to refrain from using the term "moho" to describe myself.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Sealing My Fate

Well, in light of my possible excommunication from being gay, I need to confess something:

I'm more of a republican than I am a democrat.


I said it.

... take me or leave me...

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Mon amant

Last night, I dreamt that I had a lover -- someone I know in real life, even.

But he was just a lover, not a husband, 'cause he was still on the fence whether or not he wants to be the celibate Mormon, the MOM Mormon, or [the] gay [Mormon].

It caused a lot of problems and frustrations.

I don't think I'll get a lover.

Dear Marie Osmond,

Although you're a little bit country, I think you've been rockin' lately.


Andrew Martin Pankratz

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


I'm in the mood for some board and/or card game-age.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

La Mort

When I woke up this morning, I knew I had just been stabbed. The peace didn't surprise me, but death felt warmer and less painful than I expected.

And there was less blood... in fact, I couldn't see any. I could feel it. It was gushing over my hands and pooling beneath the small of my back. But where red should have been, there was nothing.

Even if I could have, I don't think I would have cried for help. It was a welcoming feeling, not really any fear, just confusion.

And then, just as I was about to die, the haze faded.

... sleep paralysis can be so much fun...

Wherein I should be in bed

I have decided that I am nocturnal.

I used to think I was an insomniac, but I sleep just fine... during the day.

Damn the social norm of ... of... what's the opposite of nocturnal?

In other news: I got nothin'.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


Trying to force people to treat gay people equally is just as frustrating to me as trying to force gay people to live heterosexually.

I should be free to live gayly, and people should be free to kick me out of their restaurants because they don't want gay couples to eat there.

As long as a business isn't forced one way or the other, and as long as the business is not run by public funding, I am 100% cool with owners denying their services to anyone to whom they don't want to provide services.

If no restaurant will accept gay couples, then I'll start up my own gay-friendly restaurant. It's really not that big of a deal. I know plenty of fabulous gay chefs.

Sure, it stings and hurts to be discriminated against -- but you can't force people to like you. Besides, I'd rather eat at a restaurant where I'm eagerly welcomed instead of one where they're forced to let me eat there against their will.

And why would I want to go to a fertility doctor if she thought I was an evil fag? I'll go elsewhere, thankyouverymuch.

If people want to lose business, by all means, let them lose business.

Of course, when it's funded publicly, that's another story. You can't take someone's money and then deny him/her access to its use. Such is exploitation -- is that the right word?

If you're going to discriminate, then do it on your own dime.

Of course, one can't discriminate to the point of infringing upon another's rights.

You can kick me out of your restaurant, but you can't burn down the restaurant I'm building. You can preach that I can't make it to heaven, but you can't make life hell for me right now. You can pretend that boys only couple with girls to raise families in your private schools, but you can't use public money to pretend families headed by gay couples don't exist (ESPECIALLY when such families are paying -- often extra -- for your children's educations).

Friday, May 1, 2009

don't get me wrong

While I do think that I'm enjoyable to be around (to those with certain palettes, anyway), and while I'm beginning to perhaps accept that I may possibly be enjoyable to look at to some, I hope I'm being honest in saying that I don't think that I... well, that I really care (or that I think I could land anyone I wanted and that I don't have any faults).

I truly only care about being me to the most honest extent as possible and honestly accepting, loving, and enjoying who I am.

As RuPaul says, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?"

This, really, is why I've yet to really pursue someone. I've just barely learned to love my innards, and I'm struggling to love my outards.

I don't think a relationship has much to do with what I'm getting, but with what I'm giving.

I know I've mentioned this a couple of times on this blog before, but I'm going to mention it again. I'm coming to the conclusion that spousal coupling isn't about sex or even just about love; it's about in whose hands, heart, mind -- in whose soul -- you fit the most perfectly.

Skinny Dipping

Even though there are times when I may come off as confident and "boastful," I'm actually quite unsure about myself in the physically attractiveness arena.

Compliments, although extremely flattering (and for which I am grateful, if I may use an abused Mormon word), from those who've experienced my personality are usually held in suspect.

I'm not unsure about my personality. Although it's an acquired taste, my personality is... well, I enjoy being me, I guess is the most succinct way of putting it.

Isn't that crazy, though? It's so much easier accepting a compliment when I share the sentiment.

Anyway, Vegas was kind of a self-esteem booster. My friend went to buy some cologne in a nice boutique. I couldn't quite decide whether or not me likied the clothes (the ties, definitely)... but me definitely likied one of the clerks.

My eyes met his on accident (the first time was an accident, anyway -- the other three or four, not so much). My friend and I were already being helped by another guy, but this other clerk kept inching towards us. The transaction was completed before the clerk got close enough to talking distance, and so I didn't get the chance to see if he was interested in more than just a sale (hah... uh... that could sound a little dirty).

Then, after watching a lame fountain presentation at Caesar's Palace, my friend told me that I was being "eye-f'ed" throughout the entire thing by a guy across the room. One could say the guy would be classified in a "high-esque league" I suppose, and while I'm really not attracted to such, I felt... well, let's just admit that I did enjoy it.

So, I'm trying to think of myself as someone who could, indeed, be physically attractive.

More importantly, though, I'm learning the importance of getting out of my comfortable bubble of introversion to meet more people.

Maybe one day I'll be able to linger in a boutique just a little longer...