Monday, May 25, 2009

I Think I Know

I think I know why I'm mourning.

On Wednesday, I turn 26, but I still feel like I'm 16. I feel like the last decade of my life was wasted. Wasted cowering in fear, scared, not knowing what to do, where to go, to whom to turn.

I'm mourning my 10 year death, all the experiences I could have had but didn't because I was consumed with the fear of being gay. I was consumed with the determination to prove to myself that I wasn't gay, to prove to myself that I could change, to prove to myself that I could live a celibate life, to prove to myself that... that I wouldn't be missed.

And the thing is, I don't know if I've figured anything out at all.

I still don't know that I've truly accepted that I am gay. I tend to ignore it in my everyday life...

I don't think I'm completely okay with who I am.

I hate having to hide it from my nieces and nephews. I hate not being able to talk about it with my family, with my parents. I hate how it's such a huge deal, a secret, a family shame.

I hate how it will merely be endured at best, that it makes most people in my family uncomfortable. I hate it when they tell me that they're happy that I don't "act gay." I hate being afraid to dress nicely or to comb my hair a certain way or having any visible "gay traits."

I really, really, really just hate being gay right now.


  1. I hope you will be at Scott's party because you and I have some things to talk about, Andrew.

  2. I hope it's not true that you've had 10 wasted years. I'd doubt that. But even if it is, I hope you find a way to keep moving forward and being you, holding on to the best of you and developing the rest.

    In any case, I think I can understand some of your sentiment. Especially living with family and the stuff about the nieces and nephews. It's hard to be the uncle whose "situation" their mom and dad are going to have to find some way to explain some day but don't know how yet, or to know that bringing home someone you're in love with might not be a big, happy occasion for everyone. It's hard knowing there's not much you can do to change that, that it's just how it's probably going to be.

    And it's hard to have family affirming aspects of you that you're not sure are really you but may be norms you maintain for their comfort. It's easy to say, "If you're never comfortable with yourself, how can they possibly be?" but harder to actually know what to do with it or whether being comfortable with yourself will ever even affect their perceptions at all.

    ...but I wish for everyone, including myself, a sense of integrity, of wholeness, of being able to look at one's self, frailties or quirks and all, and without any pretense of perfection, be comfortable with one's own self and persistently but patiently improving and progressing. Maybe I'm just spouting off and this is useless to you, but it's been a valuable perspective to me, at least.

  3. I was with you until that last sentence. It doesn't sound like being gay is the problem....

  4. Alan: I'll be there.

    OMO: Thanks.

    MHH: I wouldn't say that I believe being gay is the problem, but the problem wouldn't be there if I weren't gay... if that makes any sense.

  5. If I could put words into your mouth - you don't really hate being gay, it's just very inconvenient at times given your personal situation. And that, my friend, is something I can very much relate to.

  6. Well, I was about the same age you are now (maybe a tad younger -- 24) when I finally figured it out. If you want some advice about how not to waste the next twenty years of your life, just ask. I'll be full of thoughts on the subject.

    The lessons we learn in life take just as much time for us to learn as they're supposed to. If we needed less time to learn them, then we would have taken less time.

    Be grateful for what you've got... Things will get better, I promise.