Natsuhiboshi why are you so red?

Naruto, episode 183.

There is a village of ninja who have a fallen star which endows special power to those training in its midst. However, the effects of the training are deadly.

The following dialogue seemed extremely applicable to what I'm seeing in the whole homosexuality arena (especially in the LDS culture):

Child: If you continue in the star training, you'll all die!

Leader: Are you going to believe such nonsense?! Being unable to withstand the star training is because the heart that loves the village is weak! Those who really love the village can become true Shinobi and can also surpass the Hidden Villages of the Five Great Nations!

Village Person: Who's telling the truth?

Mizura (a child who has been training with the star and is on the verge of death, showing the villagers the damage done by star training): I take pride in the Hidden Star Village. Even though it was painful, I endured it and continued the star training...

Even so, were my feelings for the village still not enough?

I don't know how often I've had a similar conversation with several friends and members of my family--I playing the part of Mizura.

Their response has always been: "No; your feelings were still not enough."

My hopelessness was blamed on insufficient church attendance, my despair on a weak testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. My inability to overcome my 'same gender attractions' a culmination of all such things and an insincere desire to "do what is right." The physical manifestations of my emotional pain and scars were used against me to justify that what I was doing was insufficient.

What I wish is that people could open their eyes and hearts and realize what the villagers in this episode of Naruto did:

Village Person: I don't think there could be lies in that child's words... and body... We adults got carried away with our feelings for the village and may have made the wrong choice.

Leader: Do you intend to mislead everyone and crush the village?!

Village Person: They aren't traitors! They're children of our village! ... I can't go along with your way of doing things

La Poésie

I wish writing and sharing poetry didn't make one seem like a narcissistic, pretentious boob.

I mean, I'm as turned off by boobs as the average gay man... gay young man, I guess I should say--I still feel like I look like I'm in my late teens (and that's being kind of generous).

Nonetheless, I enjoy writing poetry.

That is, I go through my spurts--one of which I am currently in the middle.

But in writing poetry, I feel so... I don't know, I guess I just sometimes feel like poetry is so trite and convoluted (in the negative sense).

For example, one of my recent poems:

Bereft and deep
the soliloquy song shall
sing once more of lovers’
hands entwined in bitter
fate
They, lorn-resigned,
are squalor’s torpid, glazing
miss

while in restraint they
lust as dirted braze

I think to myself, "Really? Did I just write that?? Gag!" (Yes, I used the word "Gag" -- I'm trying to be more gay.)

... and, yet... a part of me absolutely loves it, the imagery (including the more literal imagery of the textual format), the emotion, all of the triteness and cliché-ness, the inferences and implications that I can only hope the reader will pick up on, the inferences and implications that I originally did not intend and may not even see, myself.

So, I keep on writing poetry, mostly for myself, hiding it in shame that I could be so... emotional...

PhD

I was joking around with my pre-teen ballroom class today, saying that I didn't go to school. I was too smart, and they simply gave me a PhD when I was preschool age.

My assistant (who is also my niece) said, "If you had a PhD, you would have a much better job than this."

To which I replied, "If I had a PhD, I would still be right here teaching dance."

She seemed surprised.

I think too many people believe that a good job = a huge salary. The higher the salary, the better the job.

No wonder why so many people are miserable.

I'd rather live in poverty, doing what I love, than have a fortune and a dread of waking up and going to work.

Would it be nice to have both a job that I love as well as a fortune? Sure, I suppose; I mean, I know exactly what I would do with a fortune... and in wouldn't be applied toward things.

In order for me to feel fulfilled in life, I don't need things. Don't get me wrong, though, there are things that I would like and I'll save up for, such as a killer home theatre, but as long as my family and I are cared for and have the essentials, I will be extremely happy in this life.

Bring on the Men

... yet another stolen idea from GMB...

Being one who doesn't particularly fawn over celebrities, this was actually rather difficult for me (I could only think of seven); nonetheless, my "Man Harem" in no particular order:

William Moseley

While I've always been a big fan of the Chronicles of Narnia, William Moseley definitely didn't hurt my fandom.

Gerard Butler

Gerard Butler first caught my eye in P.S. I Love You (p.s. I need that show on Blu-ray), and has yet to really disappoint said eye in the other shows I've seen him in.

Hatake Kakashi

As long as I'm "lusting" after straight guys, I may as well lust after cartoon characters... although, I think it's starting to be more than just lust with Kakashi... this very well may be love.

Tom Hardy

Tom Hardy definitely took my eye away from Gerard Butler in RocknRolla--and it definitely didn't hurt that Tom played a gay character.

Alex Huynh

Fight Science turned me on to Alex Huynh, and Alex's Drunken Fist turned me on to him even more.

Aladdin

Oh, Aladdin... how I've lusted after you ever since I first laid eyes on you back in 1992... if only you were real... oh, wait:

Mark Ballas

Thursdays

... I think that I just felt a little *too* excited that a new Naruto Shippuden episode should be waiting for me when I wake up...

Well, it's not like I was jumping up and down in my Underoos or anything like that. My eyes simply lit up for a second, and then I thought, "Hmm... I may be starting to cross a line I never wanted to cross..."

... meh, here's to the geek!

Romeo & Romeo

ACT I

PROLOGUE

Not two households, instead we see two men;
Yet still, as such, alike in dignity
With ancient grudge as squalling mire within
Each heart, the beater of the mutiny.
Forlorn in faith the setting of our scene
Where religious cloths bate the loins as foes,
Entreating tendered hands to bathe th’unclean
Desiring man in temporal overthrows.
Now yet, with calloused knees, each man clasps life
From forth is known his unmistaken love
Which, unbeaten, lays hold anew their strife,
This star-cross’d love did not the cross remove
By which abounds perplexing parents’ rage
And damns a resolution on our stage.

Thou Shalt Not Flaunt Thy Homo

I realize now why some believe that God doesn't want us to flaunt our homosexuality.

Whilst making a very queer hand gesture I almost gouged out my eye.

Skadoosh

Ever since I first saw The Quest I've wanted to study Kung Fu.

Its use of different characters is very much my style--I think I would be especially good at Drunken Fist and Monkey.

Anyway, I finally found a place in West Valley that teaches the curriculum I've been wanting.

... the problem is... I don't really want to take it alone.

Now, if I can't find someone to take it with me, I'm sure I will end up taking it alone.

However, I thought I'd throw the invitation out there to anyone who may be reading.

The only time I'd be able to take it is Saturday from 11-12PM. I'm not exactly sure when new classes start or how exactly that works in the martial arts, but I'll be calling them pretty soon to find out.

If you're interested in joining me, shoot me an email--my info's on my profile page.

Waiting Until Marriage

Craig made a comment to my last post regarding my deal breaker of waiting until marriage to have sex.

I want to respond to some of what he said:

"it's Unrealistic"
says Craig

"Realistic" could mean one of two things here: 1) not going to happen in any place but my dreams; or 2) not useful/practical.

I'll address the second under a later heading.

However, I don't think it impossible to be able to find one guy who is willing to wait to have sex until we're married.

Difficult? Most definitely.

Impossible? Not totally.

"it's Selfish"
says Craig

Admittedly, saving all this [Amanda from Ugly Betty gesture] all for myself right now is rather selfish.

Admittedly, if the guy I'm dating does not share my desire to wait until marriage but I expect him to anyway, I can definitely see how that could be selfish of me.

However, such is why I'm forthright about my deal breaker. If a guy does not want to wait until marriage, he shouldn't date me... and, yes... I can see how that could be selfish (again--all this [Amanda gesture]) and limiting to myself... but:

"it's Antiquated Religious Tripe"
says Craig

My desire to wait until marriage actually doesn't have much to do with my religious and spiritual beliefs.

I'm not waiting until I'm married because I'm afraid that something horrible will happen to me if I don't. I'm not afraid of God's wrath or judgments.

I'm waiting because, like I said, I find it horribly romantic, being with one person in my life and waiting until we're totally committed before we have sex.

I feel like it makes sex much more special, like when I took state with a perfect score in drama my senior year in high school... or when I made BYU's exclusive ballroom team having had only one semester of ballroom, beating out guys who have taken ballroom for years.

That level of exclusiveness... well... kind of turns me on, to be blunt, and I think it would make me enjoy sex just that much more.

Now, I agree that love != sex and vice-versa. But coupling sex with love and official commitment just ads to the exclusiveness and really heightens my desire to wait.

"it's Not Practical/Healthy"
says Craig

I agree, 100%, that sexual compatibility is vital to a marriage.

However, and I may completely naïf, I think that it's possible to tell sexual compatibility without actually having sex.

I hope I don't embarrass [You], but from cuddling with him during a few movies, I had an idea of what sex would be like with him. And while I've yet to kiss anyone, I would assume kissing would give a very strong understanding of what sex would be like with the other person.

I believe it's completely vital during dating, when things are getting more and more serious, to talk about sex, one's expectations, desires, etc. -- it is possible to talk about it without having it.

Furthermore, from my habitual listening to Love Line and my watching Talk Sex with Sue Johanson when I'm able, it seems that most things can be worked out with open communication during sex.

There are, nonetheless, three things that usually become deal breakers as far as sexual compatibility goes:

1. Significant differences in desired genital size;
   
2. Significant differences in desired... roughness... for lack of a better word right now; and
3. Significant differences in sex drive;

With the first, a ruler and, as with the others, open communication before marriage can take care of that.

Granted, one could argue, "How would one know what one's preference is without ever having sex?" And one would ask a good question. Nonetheless, referring to what I've heard on the aforereferenced shows, unless there's a significant difference, things can be worked out... and even if there is a significant difference, there are still ways of working around it.

Furthermore, with roughness, I would assume (again, maybe I'm just being ignorant) that kissing would give a good understanding of what each prefers... as probably with the sex drive.

Hell, without having ever kissed anyone, I have a pretty darn good idea of my sex drive, how often I would like to have sex, how often I would be able to settle for, and how often would simply be insufficient.

Again, open communication before marriage is key and, I believe, will give more than a sufficient understanding of sexual compatibility.

on Virginity

I also agree that using virginity as a worthiness test is ridiculous. I am 100% willing to marry someone who isn't a virgin, as long as he's cool marrying someone who is.

While I also agree that the typical value of virginity is rooted in rather sexist beliefs -- women being seen as vessels of male heirs -- I think there was also a health reason for celibacy before marriage in the "Bible years." That is to say, an STD that now can be cured with a simple course of antibiotics was deadly back in the day. It's another example of ignorance of science explained away by God.

Now with our advances in science and safe practices, sex is much, much less dangerous. As far as "it's dangerous not to wait until marriage," I'm not convinced.

However, as far as, "waiting until marriage puts sex on a more elevated and special plane" I am completely convinced, and that's what I'm seeking.

back to Religion & Spirituality

This all isn't to say that there isn't some root of spirituality to my decision.

I do believe that God would have one wait until marriage to have sex.

It's just that my reasoning isn't because "it's evil if you don't and you'll go to hell and be punished and cursed and scorned, etc. ad nauseum" but because there's something godly about making things (not just sex) as special and, dare I say, exalted as they possibly can become.

Five Hurdles

I recently read this post wherein GMB lists five tests for finding Mr. Right.

Now, I don't know if I would say I have 'tests,' per-se... they're perhaps more hurdles Mr. Right will have to get over or deal with... well, I guess 'hurdle' and 'test' could be synonymous... anyway, here are my five hurdles/tests:

the Official Date

This is probably the most difficult hurdle.

Frankly put, I'm mostly a hermit. I enjoy being by myself most of the time (being with those I love counts as 90.444% alone time... but there's still that percentage of time that I need just to be completely alone).

So actually meeting anyone new is a challenge. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm honestly not complaining. I'm really focusing on my dance academy right now. My real search for "Mr. Right" hasn't really even begun. I'm not in a huge rush.

I also tend to be completely clueless as to who may be interested in dating me, and since I'm presently in no hurry to get married, I tend to bypass asking any guy that I may be interested in dating... mostly because my head is primarily elsewhere.

Of course, I guess this hurdle wouldn't be too difficult... all he has to do is ask, and I'd probably say yes. Hell, I'd probably say yes to a girl asking me out on a date.

the Invisible Touch

(He would get bonus points for knowing this title's reference... without Google's help.)

He'll probably have to be rather blunt with any initial physical attraction. Like I said, I'm completely clueless when it comes to knowing whether or not someone is attracted to me. I'm also a complete gentlemen, so I'm not going to make a move unless I know it's welcome.

Of course, I'm not saying he'll have to pin me up against the wall and smooch me (heh, I've been reading a lot of Calvin & Hobbes lately, having just purchased the complete works).

Simply starting to cuddle during a movie at home would sufficiently give me a clue.

the Insanity

I'm a bit eccentric.

While some absolutely love my absent-minded-professor-ness (such as my students), some can't stand too much of me (such as my little brother... of course, I do tend to push his buttons on purpose).

the Family

Okay... maybe this one is the biggest hurdle... for both of us.

I still don't really know where most of my family stands with my decision to find me a hubby.

He'd have the fortitude and stamina to deal with my parents and my 10 siblings and their families until they're all won over.

the Deal Breakers

He'd have to want to raise children.

He'd have to want to wait until marriage to have sex... I find this idea extremely romantic, and I've decided it's a deal breaker.

He'll have to be extremely hot if he wants a dog (cats or other pets would be easy to persuade me into having... but dogs... well... we're kind of feuding, and have been since I was 5);

the Bonus Round

Although I honestly wouldn't mind if not:

• He would enjoy [at least watching] ballroom dancing;
• He would enjoy Thai food;
• He would enjoy going to operas, ballets, and other performing arts events;
  
• He wouldn't be significantly taller than I (I'm pretty dern short...);
• He would secretly have awesome mutant powers;
• He would enjoy British humour;
• He would enjoy watching movies at home, togetherly alone;
• He is as picky about picture and sound quality as I;
• He would be able to withstand my absolute adorable fabulousness;
• He's a PC (I'm sorry, but Macs are so... trendy... not a fan of trendy... or lack of options... Macs are so limiting...); and
  
• If not the penultimate, he'd be okay with me constantly teasing him that he wasn't a PC (and he'd be able to dish it back).

Again, this section is not required, and I can frankly live without quite happily.

I'm getting bold in my old age.

I have a friend--let's call him Pedro--about whom I've had a hunch that he was gay. He sometimes gives off the "gay vibe." He'll say things I used to say when I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay. I could have sworn he almost went in for a kiss one day, several years ago. Etc.

After a chat with another one of my friends (who is gay) who was having a rather tough time, Pedro's [real] name kept popping into my head.

So, I did something I wouldn't normally do.

I asked Pedro if he was attracted to guys.

His response: "I can honestly say I have never been attracted to other men."

My hunch was (thankfully--I really wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially another Mormon) wrong.

Now, the reason why I mention this at all: I was quite proud of myself for actually being bold enough to ask.

Normally I like to say nothing, see how things play out without my interference.

I'm thinking this may be progress in my life?

Heck, maybe next I'll interfere with life and actually ask someone out myself.

Daddy I'm so Sorry, I'm so s-s-Sorry, Yeah

My friend, JJ, recently published his post, Defending Traditional Marriage Unjustly, on his blog.

His statement as to how one should logically justify hetero-only marriage is exactly the way I've always felt.

If you want to convince me that marriage is meant only for heterosexual couples, you will need to prove the following:

• Marriage is primarily about raising children; and
  
• Children have the right to a male father and a female mother.

Now, I'm willing to let the first one slide... although it is rather difficult to prove such when married heterosexuals aren't required to spawn.

Therefore, you would have to focus on the second.

Frankly, in doing so, you'd also have to prove to me that gender is the defining characteristic for a human being.

That is to say, one of the concepts behind the need for a male father and a female mother is that a child needs a role model of the same gender (especially in how to interact with the opposite gender).

I do not disagree with this.

However, I also assert that a child with autism also needs a role model with autism.

A child needs a role model as how to interact with the same gender.

A gay child needs a gay role model.

A child who excels in mathematics needs a role model who excels in mathematics.

A child who is passionate about painting needs a role model who is passionate about painting.

A child who must interact with aborigines needs a role model who interacts with aborignes.

Etc.

So, if we were to say that, ideally, a boy needs a male role model to show him how to be a male and how to interact with women, I would need to see logical proof that such is the most important, basic, and vital aspect of a person's life and well-being.

Frankly I'm not convinced it is.

I know people who get along splendidly with the opposite gender, playing their own gender roles perfectly... in fact, it's really all they know how to do... and, frankly... they aren't much good to society. I mean, if all you can do is know "how to be the typical male" or "how to be the typical female" what exactly can you make out of life?

Furthermore, role models are found not just in parents but in peers, siblings, teachers, professionals... everywhere. My parents are my role models for completely different reasons than my friends' parents are role models to my friends. My parents are my role models for completely different reasons than they are to my siblings.

Each person is an individual. We each value different things. We each search for different things in this life.

Ideally our parents aren't our role models for one specific or main thing.

Ideally our parents are the ones who guide us through this life to discern what traits merit emulation.

They are the ones who provide love, guidance, and protection.

Which brings me to the other argument for male-female relationships: a child needs a provider and protector (male) as well as a nurturer (female).

It is ludicrous and completely illogical to me to claim that one person is more capable of loving, providing, protecting, or nurturing based on physiology.

That's not to say that I don't understand there are differences, significant even, between males and females.

However, to proclaim that there are significant differences between males and females while completely ignoring that there are significant differences between homosexuals and heterosexuals is hypocritical.

Furthermore, it's also hypocritical not to admit to the significant differences between one heterosexual and another, between one person and another.

I have personally witnessed heterosexual couples where the father is the nurturer and the mother is the provider/protector.

... so, it's going to take quite a bit for anyone to prove to me that children have the right to be raised by a male-female companionship.

It is my belief that a child has the right to be raised by parents who will love, provide, protect, and teach.

Ideally, in my opinion, it is the individual's choice to seek out and choose the person who would best match him/her in parenting without any constraints -- such as "You can only parent with [Group XX]."

The Incredible Notions of Mr. Kratz

One of my students told me the other day, “If there were a movie of your life, I would totally watch it.”

I laughed inwardly and thought, “If there were a movie of my life, 95% of it would be me in bed... and it would be rated G.”

Nonetheless, I did start thinking about that other 5% and what kind of a movie it would make. To be honest, it could work. But it would probably just turn into another one of those “coming out/coming of age gay Mormon stories” – because... well... that’s been the main plot of my life thus far.

However my life has been so much more than just trying to figure out this gay Mormon gig. Granted, it’s definitely been one of the greatest impacts on the way I view life, spirituality, and almond pound cake. But if I were to sit down and write the script for something that represented my life, I don’t think it could have a plot.

It would have to be a collection of thoughts, memories, snippets of writing, whatever I feel like adding. In whole, it would show my dramatic side, my zany side, my zen side, my gushy romantic side... it would show all of my sides (okay... maybe not all of them...), no one side necessarily weighted more heavily than the other... with perhaps no apparent point... except to entertain and hopefully inspire some sort of new thoughts for someone who may come across it. (... so, basically... a blog in retropost...)

That's my life, really. That, I think, is my purpose: to entertain and hopefully to inspire a new way of thinking in someone. I guess that’s why I became a teacher... of dance... and not philosophy... or Austrian engineering...

... I guess I’m still trying to figure things out...

Old Andrew Martin

... or as I like to call him: OAM

Tonight, in my insomnia, I read some of my past private journal entries.

A few of my favorites:

25 Aug '06

To lighten things up a titch, I thought -- since it's 2 AM & I'm sleepy-drunk -- that I'd write some of my last thoughts of the day:

"My contact lens was in backwards... that explains everything"

"This towel smells like Hotel."

"I'm kindy [sic] funny when I'm sleepy."

"I wanted to see the date, not the time."

"Hmm... it isn't really funny if I try to think funny... Funnily? Funnily."

"It's 2 AM, you dweeb, go to bed."

4 Sept '06

School starts tomorrow; I feel rather indifferent. I'm most anxious about money... why does everything take money? Bah! I'm moving to Antartica... live off penguin eggs. Mmm... raw eggage. Maybe they'll elect me as their penguin king. I would make a good penguin king.

Hmm... I think I'm officially crazy now. That's cool... I'll need a tux, though...

12 Sept '06

I'd write more, but this pen rots.

29 Oct '06

Scripture Study: "Oneness in Marriage" ~Spencer W. Kimball

"First there must be the proper approach toward marriage. A person must try to select a spouse who is as nearly perfect in all the matters which are of importance to him."

... and if this perfection is a man?

August 10, 2007

I have decided from now on that I will focus on the here & now.

I need to shave.

September 3, 2007

I feel mean, fault-finding, grumpy, & contentious. I feel like I need to punch someone... I definitely need to wash my sheets.

October 30, 2007

How do I not get mad... How do I not get bitter that I must live a life without companionate love?

Why am I so "privileged"?

I guess I'll just go to bed.............

(I should mention that during these last two entries of feeling frustrated, I was laughing at myself as I closed my journal.)

Sparkella

The year was 1439. The juice was lavender with a gentle nod.

Proctors died that night, but Gertrude's juxtaposition blue platinumly. If it weren't for the wolf-cry, she'd surely be golden -- and rightfully so.

She spat the pharaoh's garden after all.

Dear [You],

I knew, going into our relationship, that you would most likely choose the Church. It's probably why I never really let the barriers around my heart down to the possibility of falling in love with you.

But I do love you as a friend and as a brother. You are a superb and exemplary man, with a heart purely innocent. I have no doubts you will be of great service to the Church.

Like all of us in the "gay Mormon crowd," you have some tough roads ahead of you -- especially with your promise to me (I will hound you every day of February until it's kept!)... but I promise to be of support in any way I can.

I will be a crutch when you feel too weary to go on, a shoulder to cry on for both the pain and the joy, and a total goofball for those days of not-so-seriousness.

You will always be in my heart and in my prayers

Lest forlorn whilst you search your
sun, my hand in yours, though more
in brothers' way, will lend you warmth
And whilst the stars and moon will pass in stride
in droves of awe from gentled heart, I
will watch your brightn'ing sky
as it melts the dreary path you take
No lover's hand for now, your heart to break
alone, and yet in this, your daunting stake,
you hold a friend, a hand foremost for warmth.

Lovingly,
[Me]

Nocturne in Q Maximus

I suppose I should write an obligatory end-of-2009/beginning-of-2010 post.

But since when do I care about the rules?

That's right. I'm a bad-arse rebel. In fact, you should see my "guns."

'Cause you'd laugh and hand me a hamburger.

However, I don't really like hamburgers, so I would get offended... well, I wouldn't get offended. I'm not a prick, after-all.

I would probably thank you and down the thing.

I mean, that was very kind of you, buying me a hamburger -- and it's not like you knew I didn't like hamburgers... unless you've already read this post, then I would think that wasn't very kind, and I would mutter with a clenched jaw, "Son of a chimp, you bastard ape."

Then we would laugh, and you would buy me some ice cream.

Ah buddy, I just remembered that I have ice cream in my freezer.

Thanks for reminding me; I take back the whole bastard monkey comment.