Monday, September 26, 2011

Farkle Be Thy Name

Life back on my meds.

Much better.

I was also able to find a new job. It's been a significantly awesomer fit (plus a 25% raise).

Life is good again.

... or is it?


It is.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I Know Things Now

While I have a decent eclection [sic] of talents, I have to accept that what I am actually able to accomplish is severely limited by my mental illness.

It's a difficult thing to accept.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

New York!

I pop my New York cherry in just a few hours.

Being a theatre and Marvel geek, I was considering pushing [GMB] into getting us tickets to see Spiderman: Turn off the Dark.

While I know it's received poor reviews, I usually take such with a grain of salt. My tastes are weird, and I tend to like things that most people don't really like. Granted, there were some things that made me worry.

Instead of jumping to conclusions, I gave the show the benefit of the doubt and finally listened to some clips from the original cast recording... and my fears were confirmed, namely:


Ew. Gross. No, please. Throw it away!

Bono's music (to my ears, anyway) is emotionally monochromatic. To play off of a contrasting, emotionally variegated show : "I Miss[ed] the Mountains." (extra points to those who know the reference)

That said, I must say that I applaud the risk. That, alone, is deserving my support (just not an immediate support, seeing as I'm presently out-of-a-job).

Not many people are risk takers, a trait I'm starting to quite highly value. I'm realizing that stagnation is, by large often [sic], due to not taking a chance. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Spiderman, Turn off the Dark, is the beginning of some yet to be seen spectacular spectacularness in musical theatre.

I know I, being a huge X-Men fan, am now considering that it just may be possible to see a fabu musical based on an otherwise musically-benign comic book series.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Gay Friendly?

"[M]y wife is about as gay friendly as a straight woman could be... But she has her limits. [She's grossed out by gay sex.]"
The Gay Sex 'Ewww' Factor, TwoLives
Someone who is gay friendly sincerely understands and accepts that two people of the same gender actually and truly can share the same bonds as two people of the opposite gender. Gay friendly people cannot be disgusted by homosexual sex any more than they can be disgusted by heterosexual sex.

Why would homosexual sex be more disgusting than heterosexual sex? I mean, think about the things generally involved in sex: the penis, the vagina, the anus, the mouth. I wouldn't want any one of those things, say, touching my food. Hell, I don't even want someone else's hand (also used in sex) touching my food!

So, really, any kind of sex is icky... if we take out the concepts of pleasure, connection, love, and reproduction. If we consider, however, the benefits, implications, and inferences of sex, then we have a completely different picture.

As an allegory, think about sitting down to eat with a friend. Your friend says, "This [insert your favorite food, mine would be Thai curry] is delicious! Try it." If you try it (and you probably would, I would assume) you will have swapped saliva in the process (even if you used different utensils). EWWW!

The sharing of the food isn't gross, but the exchange of saliva is gross (would you have poured even 1/4 of a teaspoon of just your friends saliva into you mouth?). The saliva swap, however, is secondary to the sharing of food, making the entire idea of sharing the food, well, not-so-EWWW.

It's the same with sex. Touching those body parts, swapping those body fluids... EWWW! That is, it would be disgusting if it were the primary concept of sex -- which it isn't. The primary concepts of sex are connecting, pleasuring, loving, and reproducing, making the entire idea of sex, well, not-so-EWWW.

Being grossed out by sex insinuates that such sex is merely playing with another person's (or other people's) gross parts without connection, without pleasure, without love, and/or without reproducing.

Being grossed out by gay sex (specifically more than you're grossed out by straight sex) is not gay friendly. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's implying that gay sex lacks something that straight sex has (yes, I know it lacks the reproductive qualities, but think about it, nobody is going to say, "EWW! straight non-reproductive sex" when the grossed out one* is okay with reproductive sex).

*I thought I'd try it out in real life, Jay... and I like it... a lot. **

**This is what happens when you make private members public.***

***Aka poor encapsulation****

****OOP reference

Thursday, June 30, 2011


My skin is itching (figuratively -- don't worry, I don't have any diseases... that I know of).

It feels like it's time for me to slough off the growing tightness of my most recent experiences to prepare for the nexts [sic].

The last time I felt this strongly about growing out of my skin, I ended up co-founding a dance academy.

I'm uncertain what this freshness will bring.

But I'm excited.

And a little nervous.

And hungry... time for something greasy with cheese.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Touché, Life. Touché

Just as I was feeling happy that my depression and anxiety didn't destroy my paying job as it has in the past, the company I worked for decides to downsize.
I am once again unemployed.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Well, I made it through my past few deep lows with my paying job intact!

First. Time. EVER.

I discovered something new about myself, too: I have social anxiety disorder. I have a good control over it, for the most part, but I've been searching for a counselor who specializes in social phobia. My current coping methods leave me absolutely exhausted after a while. Like I said in a previous post, I'll do well for a while and then start to gradually break down until I retreat to a fortress of solitude to hibernate for at least six months.

So, I keep growing up, learning how to handle my crazies a little bit better every day.

Off to my next adventure!


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A Help Meet

These past few weeks have proven to me the worth of a significant other.

Ordinarily by now I'd have broken down completely and retreated to curl up in a dark corner to sleep for 6 months.

With [GMB]'s support, however, I've been able to fight for my ability to maintain a full-time job (it's an insanely tough battle with my depression and anxiety).

My parents are fantastic and offer as much support as they are able. With ten other kids and each other, though, it leaves them at a disadvantage to being able to completely support me in the way my disability needs.

The same is with my best friend and my other siblings. They can only offer so much support before it cuts into their time and energy for their higher priorities.

I don't think I could aptly explain how much having someone dedicated to me (and I to him) has enhanced and continues to enhance my ability to live a happy, healthy, and productive life.

Suffice it to say that I am feeling less disabled because of [GMB].

Thank you, [GMB]. Your love and support are amazing. You are amazing.

I love you.

(... okay, corniness is over...)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Breaking Down

My mental health has been crap lately. Social interactions are becoming more and more difficult for me. My body just wants to sleep all of the time. My mind just wants to give up.

This seems to be the pattern for me. I do well for a few months, I take the time to ground myself whenever something triggers depressive or anxious thoughts, and then after a while it becomes more difficult to spend that energy to ground myself. I start to wear down until I just start to shut down.

As I look back, this has been the pattern for most, if not all, of my life.

Thank God for my boyfriend, [GMB]. He's the best thing in my life right now, and just the thought of his addictive smile helps push me to find the energy to make it through another day.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Return of the Parentals

My parents get back from their mission in less than a week. I'm both excited and anxious.

I think it's taking a toll on my mental health -- which it shouldn't. I don't want any drama, and I think I'm fearing the worst.

I'm sure, though, things will be just fine.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Princess Monkey Kitten Pretty Lips LOVE!

Although I have an Poppins-purse-load of copywriting I need to do to better advertise what Pankratz Academy of Dance is all about, the bottom line is this: When you support the Academy you help low-income families afford professional dance education and performance opportunities.

The results so far have been amazing (and that's really just barely scratching the surface of what the Academy's been able to do so far).

Presently I am producing an innovative dance production (using ballroom, tap, and classical ballet) titled [Romeo & Juliet] and need to raise at least $2,000 beyond what I'm able to finance to get it to where it needs to be.

Please donate (even if it's just $2!) to help provide this opportunity to students of all financial backgrounds (the link is at the bottom of this post).

Please send the donation link to anyones you may think would be interested and willing (again, even if they can only donate $2!).

All donations are tax deductible (keep your PayPal receipt for your records). The show will also be filmed and made available for free online so you'll be able to enjoy it personally!

Monday, April 4, 2011


My greatest weakness in this public charity business is fundraising... which, in the public charity business, is a big problem.

I've been watching Celebrity Apprentice, and they raise hundreds of thousands of dollars in a blink of an eye, and I don't even know how to start to raise $2000 to produce a show to showcase my ballroom and tap students.

Hell, I don't even know where to start in order to raise just $200.

I don't know what to say to get others as excited as the dancers and I are. I don't know what to say to adequately explain what kind of an opportunity this will be to the dancers -- and how this show is a significant cog in meeting the specific needs of Tooele City's youth (see and


I feel so... [see subject of post]

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Sometimes I wonder if a utopia could really be built. We all seem to have such different ideals that I don't know if one place could exist where everyone would be truly happy, healthy, and productive.

Take, for example, the concept of productivity. When I was just focusing on the dance academy, I was told by many that I wasn't being productive -- because I couldn't fully take care of all of my financial needs. But I had never felt more productive.

Happy and healthy each have their own skews as well.

To be honest, this is where the LDS concept of different degrees of heaven makes sense to me. The LDS idea of heaven is that all mankind is glorified (well except those who explicitly refuse and explicitly know God's grace) but also segregated into compartmentalized utopias that best fit with their ideals.

Granted, such would be my take of the LDS doctrines... it may not be the official stance.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Why I Do It

I was joking around with my dance students, saying that I was a millionaire. One of the students said, "If you were a millionaire, you wouldn't be here," to which I promptly replied:

"Even if I had a billion dollars, I would still be here. We'd just have a more fabulous studio."

I'm not in this to make any money. My other job as a programmer keeps me comfortable enough. I set up this dance academy (and volunteer a significant amount of my time, energy, and effort) to create opportunities for youth that they ordinarily couldn't have.

Fifteen percent of the student body is on scholarship due to financial hardships in their families.

Boys -- BOYS -- are feeling not only comfortable but proud dancing. This alone almost brings me to tears when I think about it. When I was younger, after I had watched the ballet, Billy the Kid, during a school field trip, I wanted to learn how to dance but was too scared by the stigma, too poor to afford anything, and (even if I were more courageous and had the money) there simply weren't any studios that really taught boys where I grew up, where I'm building up the Academy.

Because of my previous skills working with people who have disabilities, I've been able to open up my classes to students with special needs (such as students who have been diagnosed with autism and learning disabilities).

This is why I do this.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Purpose of Life

I think I would say that I believe that the purpose of life is to build a utopia wherein all are joyful and prosperous.

As I struggle with my specific spiritual beliefs, I don't know if I believe that this utopia is something that we (who vanish, so to speak, upon death) are trying to build for future generations or if this utopia is something that we (who live beyond the grave) will partake of for eternity.

I cannot see, however, how the self-governance of one's life should differ whether we are building for a future generation, perhaps never to experience the ideal world ourselves, or if we will find ourselves in state of joy and prosperity forever.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Beginnings With God

It's difficult for me to approach the subject of God these days. In a way, I feel like I've needed to start over with everything God-related.

So I'm back to asking myself, "Is there a God?"

More importantly I wonder, "Should I care even if there is a God?"

I mean, convincing me of the existence of something is one thing, convincing me that I should worry or care about its existence is a vastly different conversation.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I Just Can't Hide It

I wish I could blog more. I have some thoughts that I'd like to get out in binary.

Hélas, I have been well busy.

But in that business is some great news: The Academy has received its first grant!

I will be able to produce a dance performance I've been mulling over for a while. It's a-gunna be fabulous.

Our upcoming production of Cinderella is going to be fabulous as well.

I will post the performance dates so you all can come and enjoy.

I'm so excited.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010: The Year I Growed Up

You know, I really wasn't expecting much out of 2010.

All I really hoped for was a good year with the dance academy and to apply for its 501(c)(3) status.

What I got was a pretty good year with the dance academy, a great boyfriend, a job that actually pays me a salary, my very first place all of my own, the 501(c)(3) application sent in, and the IRS determination letter hardly a month later.

In a way, I guess you could say that I finally grew up. I mean, I bought my first table, dinnerware, silverware, and set of pots and pans... that's a pretty big step for me (considering my major Peter Pan complex).

That's not to say, of course, that everything went extremely smoothly. The Academy, itself, is like 3 full-time jobs for me. Adding another full-time job on top of that really shook things up for my sanity (what very little I had left).

My relationship with my boyfriend has had its ups and downs... as is to be expected, especially with my strained mental health.

All-in-all, though, it was a pretty fabulous year.

I'm tempted to set the bar for 2011 pretty high, but I may just aim low and be presently surprised again.