Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Last Word (8 of 8)


Resolute (7 of 8)

I'm really not one to make "resolutions" at the beginning of each year. It's not that I'm not goal-oriented. I make lots of goals, but they're mostly short-term goals as I take life a day at a time. It's something I had to do to survive during the past seven years, and, you know, it's something that I've grown to love.

Let the future take care of itself, I say; I'll worry about the now.

Don't get me wrong, though, I'm not talking about the same attitude as the infamous grasshopper but along the lines of Christ's Sermon on the Mount:
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

~Matthew 6

Of course, many of my Mormon friends and family would say I'm pretty much screwed with this attitude as the kingdom of God has no room for a gay man...

But, I view the kingdom of God a bit differently, and I do not seek after rank and status (dependent upon physiology). I do not believe such is the order of the kingdom of God.

I believe such the order of God is the order of Charity, and I merely seek after such, to be filled with the pure love of Christ. Accordingly, such is my resolution, which resolution is my life-long desire and commitment:

I resolve to find a greater sense of charity for all mankind, that I will be a relief, a refuge, and not a burden in the lives of those whose paths may cross with mine, that my life will positively impact any and all who even brush upon it.

Demain (6 of 8)

Although I'm still rather Mormon, there is one part of me that is far from: I no longer have ridiculously unrealistic expectations out of life.

Accordingly, my expectation of next year is simple. All I hope is that 2009 will bring further stability and preparation for my hoped future as a husband and father.

Maybe I'll try sushi and learn how to swim, too.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Happy Days (5 of 8)

In whole, 2008 was a good year, but my favorite part was my new-found ability to enjoy my siblings' families without resentment.

Regret (4 of 8)

My only regret in 2008 is that I neither got over nor progressed in my friendship with [him].

Revelation (3 of 8)

What I didn't want you to know about 2008... hmm... to be honest, I thought I could think of something, some deep, dark secret of 2008 that nobody knew about.

I really can't think of anything.

Sorry, maybe next year.

In Sum (2 of 8)

I think I'll entitle 2008, "The Year I Stitched the Damn Thing Up."

The year started out like a deep cut on my thigh which was making it difficult to walk. In previous years, I had tried to fix the cut with band-aids... but it was far too deep for band-aid aid. So, I took a deep breath and stitched it up at the end of the first quarter of 2008.

My mobility improved drastically almost over night, and the rest of the year was spent nursing the healing wound and working on being able to walk around normally. And although there are still some impairments in my mobility and some healing to go, things are looking really good for a full recovery.

Hopefully, there won't be too much of a scar, if any.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Preppy (1 of 8)

I don't know if it's because it's my obsessive-compulsiveness, eccentricity, or both talking, but I decided I would write eight more posts this year -- that way I would have 208 posts in 2008.

As such this season calls for corny and cliché, the topics of each post are as follows:
  1. Explanation of these last 8 posts of 2008
  2. Summary of my 2008
  3. What I didn't want you to know about 2008
  4. My one regret in 2008
  5. My favorite moment of 2008
  6. Summary of what I hope for 2009
  7. My New Year's Resolution for 2009
  8. My last words [of 2008]
Don't worry, though, if you're expecting posts of considerable length. This will probably be the longest post of the eight.

Two Cents

This thus marks my 200th greenly chalked blog post.

As my 200th post, I feel I should post something fabulous, fantastic, incredible, brilliant, stunning.


But I already posted my picture.


So, I guess I'll just stick with, "Happy 200th, greenly chalked!"

Out Damn'd Spot

Good news everybody: I think I've found a great match in the Ballroom partnering arena.

We are practically perfect, height-wise.

Her favorite dances are of the Rumba, Tango, Paso Doble variety. My favorite dances are of the Rumba, Tango, Paso Doble variety.

She needs a partner who is familiar with International Latin (as she isn't). I am most familiar with International Latin.

She needs a partner who isn't going to take the passion of the dance personally. I need a partner who isn't going to take the passion of the dance personally.

Excellent partnering, yes?

The last match is actually how we met. She was discussing such a need with a mutual friend of ours. She mentioned that her mom had told her to find a gay Ballroom partner. Mutual friend immediately thought of me! The referral was made, we met last Saturday, and the rest is future--yet to be seen, but a positive future, me-thinks.

It gets even better: I get to co-teach and choreograph for a small team. Sha. Zam.

... and it's all because I'm openly gay...

Life. Is. Good.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Brushed Teeth

I have already brushed my teeth, but a 3 Musketeer bar is sitting on my desk right now, taunting me.

But I shall not succumb!

Eh, I'll just brush my teeth again.


... gets my recommendation.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Awaken, Ye O' Weary Eyes

I fell asleep around midnight last night. This was a major accomplishment for me, as I have been usually falling asleep around 8 AM. I was so tired, I even slept through a text message alert -- I am usually such a light sleeper, almost anything will wake me up.

The only problem is that I slept 'till 3:30PM today. What's up with that?! Now, it's 3 AM and I'm not sleeping. I was en route to a better schedule, and my body said, "Denied!"

I do have a meeting with a potential ballroom partner tomorrow morning -- well, afternoon, but I have to get some things taken care of before I meet her. (The last potential lived too far away; I couldn't afford the gas.) So, I don't have a reason to sleep in 'till 3 PM today.

I will get on a non-vampire schedule if it kills me! Which it may. If it does, I want to be buried in a glow-in-the-dark coffin.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Friday, December 26, 2008


This morning I was so trapped.


I couldn't get out of my parking cave.

Surprisingly, it wasn't because of the snow. Rather, a car was parked in the parking spot across the road. What's the big deal? You may wonder. Well, my parking cave is tight, and the road is more of an alley than a road. When I back out, I have to back out into the driveway behind me and then turn into the alley.

Since I didn't have to go anywhere specific--I was just going to go get something to eat--I didn't worry about finding out who the driver was to have him/her move around a little bit so's I could escape.

Hopefully it's not there again. I really want orange juice.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Ho, ho... eh

Well, it's Christmas Eve... to be honest, I haven't felt very Christmas-y.

To be honest, I haven't felt very Christmas-y since high school -- before my days of deep depression.

This is actually the first year since high school that I haven't spent this time of year praying for death.

No, I take that back. 2005 was a good year when felt rather Christmas-y. I even baked three (four?) Bûches de Noël (one of them lactose free) for some of my friends and family. I even made mushrooms and flowers out of marzipan... mmmmmm, marzipan...

Anyway, I'm digressing -- me, digress? ... never... -- it's not that I'm full of "humbug" or anything. It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year. Maybe things will change as today and tomorrow progress...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

[Working Title]

I started to write a couple novels (that one's for you, JJ), and although I really don't have the intention of trying to get them published, I must admit I'm kind of wanting to write for an actual audience, instead of just for myself.

So, if you may be interested in sampling a nibble of my fictional prose, shoot me an email (, and I'll send you the first chapter of one of my novels.

It's a fantasy novel based on one of the many stories I created when I was a kid. Basically, this novel is my adult imagination creating the background for one of the creations of my youth's imagination. There are at least three books planned, the third being the actual storyline I enacted throughout my childhood in the basement of the house where I grew up.

The target age group is actually the same as the Harry Potter series -- which, I know falls beyond the scope of readers here, age-wise... but as far as 'enjoyment-wise' goes, I think I'm safe in offering this exclusive offer to any readers of my blog/facebook notes.

I only have the first chapter written. It's a short chapter -- only six pages, ~1100 words -- and there are still some rough parts, but really I'm just looking to see if there's a reason for me to 1) Polish it up, and 2) Keep on writing.

I mean, it's already in my head basically, and I've played through the somewhat distant sequel hours upon hours in the past... so I'm personally not missing much if I don't write it down.

And, although, like I said, I'm not looking to get published, I'd definitely enjoy (love, even?) to write for a small audience.

So, please, do let me know!

The difference an accent makes

I just reread the title of my last post. Before I fixed it, it read: "Le petit pécheur."

It now reads, as it should, "Le petit pêcheur."

The difference made by those little marks above the e: le petit pécheur = the little sinner; le petit pêcheur = the little fisherman.

... hah & sigh... as I said, I really need to get back on the path to fluency in French.

Le petit pêcheur

Explanation: I've been rummaging through my old files and found one of my first writing assignments for my first college-level French class (French 202 Honors at BYU). To completely brag, my teacher loved it so much that she gave me 100% and kept a copy for reference.

I really need to get back to where I was close to fluency in French:

Il était une fois un petit homme qui habitait dans une petite cabane. Ce petit homme a construit cette petite cabane sur une petite montagne et près d’un petit lac. Chaque jour il sortait de sa petite cabane et il pêchait dans le petit lac. Chaque jour il attrapait un petit poisson et il disait au petit poisson, “Vous semblez triste, mon bon poisson. N’aimez-vous pas habiter dans ce petit lac? Bien sûr, ce doit être une vie difficile, la vie d’un petit poisson dans un petit lac! Je vous dis ceci: puisque je suis un bon homme, je vous renverrai à un grand lac, un grand lac dans le ciel.” Et chaque jour le petit homme mangeait un petit poisson.

Un jour quand le petit homme est sorti de sa petite cabane, une grosse goutte de pluie a éclaboussé sa petite tête chauve. Il a regardé le ciel et il a vu de grands nuages bleus. Ils encerclaient le soleil et remplissaient le ciel. Une autre grosse goutte de pluie a éclaboussé son petit nez rouge. Essuyant sa tête avec un petit mouchoir, le petit homme a regardé le lac. De grosses gouttes de pluie faisaient onduler l’eau claire. Un grand poisson a émergé du centre d’un des cercles formés par une goutte et il a dit au petit homme, “Vous semblez triste mon bonhomme! N’aimez-vous pas habiter dans la petite cabane? Bien sûr, ce doit être une vie difficile, la vie d’un petit pêcheur dans une petite cabane.” Avant que le poisson ait fini de parler, une grande goutte de pluie est tombée du ciel et a rempli le petit lac jusqu’à ce que le petit lac soit devenu un grand lac. Le grand lac avait faim, et alors, il a avalé la petite montagne où habitait le petit pêcheur.

Le petit homme a essayé de nager vers la surface mais le grand poisson pouvait nager plus rapidement. Le grand poisson avait aussi faim que le grand lac, donc il a englouti le petit pêcheur. Maintenant, le petit homme habitait dans un grand poisson.

“C’est une bonne maison!” a dit le petit homme à un os d’un poisson qui flottait près de sa jambe, “Mais vous, mon bon os, vous semblez triste.”

La vie bohème

There are times when I know exactly where I am going in life. There are times where I have no clue where I'm heading--let alone where I am. There are times when I couldn't care less where I'm going.

Right now... well, I am in the middle of a torrent of all three of the above 'times.'

It's like I'm sitting in the airport, knowing I'm going to be leaving but not knowing exactly where. Furthermore, I don't have any money to buy a ticket but know I'm going to be able to afford it somehow--though, again, how, I do not know. All-the-while, I could just as happily be sitting in a parking lot.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Santa Claus

Santa Claus.

A lie we seem to love.

But why? Why aren't kids outraged when they find out they've been purposefully lied to--by those whom they should be able to trust the most? And, why in the world, do kids grow up to pass on this tradition of lying?!

Personally, I think the answer is quite simple: it's fun, and the memories of Santa are--for the most part--good, happy, nostalgic, etc.

The lie instigated good times. The lie was meant to instigate good times. Good times are... well... good.

Perhaps you can see where I'm headed with this: Religion & God. After all, does not the often accompanying word "Gospel" literally mean "Good News" ? That is, is not the intent of religion to instigate good times?

Whoa!! Wait a minute... Am I inferring that religion, God, etc. are lies?!?

No. I'm saying they could be. They could very well be another instance of this Santa Claus business.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in God. I really do. But, at the same time, I understand I could very well be like the naive little kid who believes in Santa Claus.

You know what, though, it's something that helps me (and many) have a good time here in life.

For example, my friend's mom passed away the other day. My friend's belief in God and the afterlife have been major components in helping her deal with the emotions associated with such a difficult time.

It's also kind of nice, during the really good times, to think that someone "up there" is looking out for you. I enjoy smiling and thanking God for even just a simply good day.

So, anyway, why isn't the possibility of religion as fun as and as good as the possibility of Santa Claus?

(A question I wish some religious leaders would ask themselves.)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Cheese, Gromit

My tooth just broke... not majorly, just a small chip off of one corner.

Thank you, British genes.

Hey Nonny Nonny

I wasn't going to say anything, but after one confessed outbreak of straightitis ... well, I think I need to make my own.

I honestly don't know what it is, but I have been feeling rather straight lately--and by straight, I don't mean I'd rather watch Basketball than a comédie musicale. I mean sex with a woman has crossed my mind... more than once.

Indeed, I have been finding myself seeing a beautiful young woman and thinking, "You know, I think I could hit that."

Quite honestly, I've been taken back by these recent impure heterosexual thoughts.

But, to be honest, they're more feelings of curiosity than anything else. It's mostly me wondering what it would be like to have sex with a woman: Would I be able to please her? Would I be able to enjoy it?

... and, in being honest, I have to admit that if sex weren't attached to love in my philosophy of life, I would probably go out and experiment...

Hah, I was just reminded of something I said to a friend in highschool--back when I completely believed I was straight. It was something like, "If I did fall into temptation, I wouldn't use protection... I'd want a kid out of it." (What I really meant was, "I have no desire to have sex with a woman... but to be a dad, absolutely!")

And that just reminded me of when I was in junior high (basically unaware that "gay" even existed). I was sitting on the kitchen table, talking with my mom and a few of my siblings about a story of an extremely young girl getting pregnant--by a boy her age. I was thoroughly perplexed and asked my mom, "Sex is just for making babies, so why would kids have sex?"

My mom blushed and said, "Well, it's not just for making babies... it feels good, too."

If the expression on my face matched what I was thinking (something akin to "there is no way that could be enjoyable"), my mom should've had a clue as to my orientation.

It was around that era that I learned what homosexual sex was. I was watching the Late Show with David Letterman with one of my brothers (no, my parents wouldn't let us watch it, we were watching w/o their knowledge). Anyway, something about gays came up and my brother said something like, "You know what they call gays, don't you? Shitdicks." And he explained why... if the expression on my face matched what I was thinking (something akin to "... men can have sex with men... hmm..."), my brother should've had a clue as to my orientation.

Of course, it wasn't anything like my thoughts when I found out men can fall in love with men. Those thoughts were something akin to, "What the hell!?! You LIED to me!!"

Anyway, I have digressed into talking about gay things... harumph... I wanted this post to be straight. damn

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Amazing Grace

I spent the day at the hospital with my twin-sister-from-another-mister. Her mom is in bad shape... and by 'bad shape' I mean it's down to the question of "pulling-the-plug" or not.

Life can be really tough sometimes.

I hope my being there helped make things a little lighter for her and her family.

In other news: I have yet to meet a legitimate song entitled "Gravity" that I naught but love; however, I quite dislike every version of "Amazing Grace" that I've heard... except one (which I love).

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Dear Adobe,

Your new Text Layout framework just saved me oodles of headache-time.

Thank you.

No, really: Thank you!

Andrew Martin Pankratz

Monday, December 15, 2008

S'mores & Aardvarks

S'mores and aardvarks... two things that wouldn't ordinarily go together--I'm picturing an aardvark eeating [sic] s'mores, not someone eating both an aardvark and s'mores at the same time [sick].

Truth be told, I don't think aardvarks would like s'mores. Well, maybe Arthur and his family. But they're mutants.


I think that describes me, yes?

You know what I realized: it's been ages since I've had a scab or a blister. You know what that means? My life is too cushy. I need to go and scrape my knee.

I miss living on a crop farm. I miss it oh-so-very much. Whenever I was sad, frustrated, annoyed, confused, or even just really happy, I would go out to the fields, sit on a wheel line, and meditate.

In fact, I wish I were there right now. In my insomnia, I would be out there, sitting on a wheel line, looking up at the sky, watching the stars, and just absorbing the dark silence. I haven't sat and watched stars in a very, very long time. I miss it.

You know, some people say that looking at the stars makes them feel insignificant. Me, I feel quite the opposite. Well, maybe not in a 'significance' sort of way. I mean, I wish I were really making a difference somehow, but I'm probably not.

But I do feel unique -- and in that uniqueness, special.

I like that I'm not exactly like anyone else. I like that I can be somewhat unpredictable. I like that I am eccentric. I like that I'm eclectic. I would like it if I'm 'ec' anything else.

I like me.

Awww... tender moment... uh... with myself... ~ahem~

On that note: I want to learn Flamenco.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Friday, December 12, 2008

Designing Women...

... is on at 4AM MST on TV Land.

You wanna know how I know? 'Cause I can't sleep.

Really. I cannot sleep.

My body has grown too accustomed to Triazolam. To be honest, it's tough not to feel bitter and angry, here at 4AM MST, unable to sleep.

I wouldn't be in this predicament if the LDS Church treated gays humanely. It was my following the counsels of the LDS Church that I started taking Triazolam--for three [insert favorite swear word in adjective form here] years... not healthy.

I'm tired. I'm grumpy. To be honest, I sort of feel like throwing a rock through a window of the LDS Church office building (which is but a hop, skip, and a jump from where I live). I know this is just because I'm tired and grumpy right now, and I would never throw... okay, so I've been known to throw rocks through windows--but not on purpose!

Many moons ago, I was outside playing, and I saw a sparrow perched on the roof of my house. I thought to myself, "I am going to throw a rock and hit that sparrow."

Yeah, yeah, I know: DON'T DO IT, YOU FOOL!!!

I mean, best case scenario in my mind: I kill a bird... which I wouldn't eat or use in any sort of "your death was not in vain" sort of way. I would have been so cool.

Anyway, fool that I was, I threw the rock. It was headed straight for the bird... right towards it, I promise... then it started to curve... it was a fantastic curve--which curve lead straight to the middle of the side-door window of my parents' minivan.

Long story short: it took a while for my parents to find me.

Mad About You comes on after Designing Women. When I was maybe 12, 13 years-old, I watched an episode of Mad About You. In this episode, the principle male character, Paul, was having his fertility tested... I was utterly confused. I had absolutely no idea how a guy could ejaculate outside of heterosexual, penis-in-vagina copulation.

Seriously, I had no clue.

This is my memory of Mad About You.

Anyway, I'm going to try once again to fall asleep... wish me luck (but not too loudly) !

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Est-ce que tu m'entends ?

Oops, in deleting some drafts, I deleted my last post. Good thing it wasn't a superb post.

I do want to repeat the ending sentiment, though.

If there is one thing I wish those opposed to gay marriage would sit down and sincerely and meekly consider, it would be this: Is it truly best that an orphan be denied opportunities of permanent, loving, caring, and safe homes just because these homes are created by homosexual couples? Is this truly the most merciful and compassionate option for the world's homeless children?

Imagine the good that could be done! Imagine what would happen if we started to encourage gay couples to get married and adopt children. (Note: I said encourage not shame or guilt... I don't think anyone who doesn't want to raise children should raise children--anyone.) Imagine how many homes would open up. Imagine how many children would finally have a family--which children may never have had the chance otherwise.

Unfortunately, what flashes through many people's minds is some depraved world where morals are passé and lust pours down the streets.

I really don't understand this. I mean, even if you believe that the ideal family is composed of a man, his wife, and their children, a man, his husband, and their children or a woman, her wife, and their children is better than no family at all... right?

Even if this means, "More people will live open homosexual lives," it would also, therefore, mean, "More homes would open up for children who need homes."

And, you know know what: sure, people will start to think that it's okay to get married to someone of the same sex and create a family with him/her... is that truly not okay? Me, I think it's not just okay, it's fabulous!

To Latter-day Saints, it does get a little trickier. According to their doctrine, these families couldn't be eternal. But, again, a temporal family is better than no family in this mortal life at all... right?

tangent thought
Now, of course, not all gay couples who will have children are going to adopt.

I'll be completely honest, I'm rather opposed to creating biological children when biological children cannot be created by the couple, itself.

Don't get me wrong, though; I'd never fight against people who do this. I'd never think less of anyone who uses surrogacy. I'd never try to stop anyone from doing this--
ever. And I would completely share the joy of my friends who create biological children via surrogation [sic].

tangent thought ii
Sure, there will be some people who marry those of the same sex, even though they aren't gay--for benefits or visas or what-not. It'll happen. I am sure of it--I have no doubt... because heterosexual marriage is used for such purposes all the time.

But to deny something that could be used for a great purpose--creating homes for the homeless--just because a small percentage will abuse it... well, it's ludicrous.

tangent thought iii
Some may say that adopting a child to a gay couple robs that child of the possibility to be adopted by a straight couple. Perhaps it does... but is this not a risk we should be willing to take (again, I'm working within the framework that an ideal family is man+woman+kids)? After all, it's not like that's the only child a straight couple could adopt (there are far too many children who need homes).

I would parallel such with a woman who vitally needs a kidney transplant. (I don't know if it's true or not, but let's at least pretend that an ideal kidney is a kidney from a close relative.) She has an identical twin sister... but they had a falling-out many years ago, and she doesn't know where her sister is or how to find out (or even if her sister would donate a kidney even if there was a reunion).

After a few weeks of searching with no luck, a possible kidney donor is found. It wouldn't be ideal, but it would probably be sufficient. Should this woman take the non-ideal possibility or should she deny it (the donation could go to another) until she finds her twin sister?

Thursday, December 4, 2008


I have been having a horrible time in the sleeping department lately.


In other news, I could really go for a hearty sandwich right now ... or even just some really good bread and cheese.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Moho Uniform

Well, I thought I would post a pic of me in the "Moho Uniform" -- I hope it's okay that my tie isn't 100% green...

Tough to believe that hottie has yet to be kissed, eh?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Dear [Him],

Truth is, you're there whenever I close my eyes. Your coy smile, your deep eyes... the way you blush... it all makes it difficult to sleep. Truth is, I don't want to sleep. I mean, why would I need sleep-drawn dreams if you're there whenever I close my eyes?

I know, I know: how cliché, how corny, how gushy. But in this romantic triteness I find novelty. I honestly thought these feelings were all make-believe, only to be found in romantic comedies and the sort. Then I met you, and they all started pouring in.

I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I know I'm about to see you again. My knees weaken when I see you from afar. Whenever you walk into a room unexpectedly, I can't help but smile.

And when you inadvertently smile whenever I unexpectedly walk into a room, when I catch you in the corner of my eye as you watch me and blush... well, it ruins me. It gives me hope that you feel the same way as I feel about you. Then, all of the sudden, it's not just you, but you and I whenever I close my eyes.

Don't get me wrong, though: I'm not naïf. I know it's just a dream. I know it may never be, you and I. I know it probably will never be you and I--even if you do feel the same as I. There are just too many variables.

Still, I cherish the dream, and I take comfort in knowing:
We’ll always have the dream
Where alone we’ll walk
The faded streets
Of slow, pre-waking bliss
And alone we’ll talk
In faded words
Alone we’ll share a kiss
Just you and I
But only in the dream

Sunday, November 30, 2008

To be or not to be

Hamlet's well-known soliloquy has been going through my mind right now.

Lately, I've been in this "not to be" mindset -- where I'd rather just hide in my room and 'dream' so as to avoid the prickings [sic] life brings. In this, there is really no life. But in no life, there is no pain. Yet in no life, there is no joy.

This all reminds me of something I wrote about a year ago:
The Lake Made - Haiku Enchaîné*

The lake an honest maid?
Her waters taste sweet save held
Yet held is “the way”

To swim the remorse
Or, forbid, to tilt and drink
‘Tis shallowed hell

Still reflections yield,
In the cuppèd hand, thus whole
Whose tears its own wane

Had I words, I’d fight
Sing to light the hidden know
Beyond cupping hands

Alas, I but drown
In the wisping waters here
Naught, my maid to hold

Would I that death rise
Bury sight, this tortured mute
In deafening sting

Oh that I would float
On rocking waves as dead men,
They who do not drown

They who do not swim
Nor do they drink from the cup
But on lake do float

Forever to grin
Though their hands hold naught but lake
They know contentment

They follow no herd
But the one wherewith they fly
Guided by the tides

To and fro to glide
Knowing not passing of time
But alone to dream

There’s no need to speak
As deadmen need not their tongues
Oh that I were they

Yet in them no soul
They are dead and have been torn
From the two natures

And shells are these men
Who, though they know the lake maid,
Cannot feel her touch

Contentment they know
But in contentment no joy
And soon dead men sink

In this twisted pool
Where, at climax, one’s heart bleeds
For relief from storm

But in lake remains
A chance for peace though bitter
Therein lies the way

*Haiku Enchaîné (or Chained Haiku) is a form of poetry I originated with the presented poem. The form is composed of 17 independent haiku chained together to complete one major thought which thought is composed of three supporting but independent sub-thoughts. The first sub-thought is composed within the first five haiku; the second within the middle seven haiku; and the third within the last five haiku.

each haiku should complete one thought, the first five haiku should complete one thought, the middle seven haiku should complete one thought, and the final five haiku should complete one thought -- all of which thoughts contribute to the ultimate thought of the entire haiku enchaîné.

Dear Mormons,

I want you to know that I, indeed, understand where you're coming from and the motivations behind your actions and beliefs -- that is, I would assume such is because you love homosexuals and want them to be happy (not just now happy but forever happy). I know you believe that the only way one can find "forever happy" is to follow the counsels of the President of the LDS Church.

I understand, I really do -- unless I'm completely off the mark (which is why I laid my understanding out, so you could judge whether or not I truly understand).

I hope one day you'll understand where I'm coming from.

Granted, I do have an advantage as I have walked in your shoes most of my life whereas it's perhaps impossible for you to ever walk in mine -- you can really only imagine what it's like to be gay.

I hope you'll forgive us when we forget this and inappropriately lash out in frustration.

Andrew Martin Pankratz

Thursday, November 27, 2008


On this day of Thanksgiving, I thought I would express gratitude for postal mail. That's right: I am thankful for snail mail.

Now, this isn't way up on my list of gratitudes [sic], but I wanted to stray from the cliché and thank something that may not be getting thanked right now.

I enjoy getting mail, especially personal letters -- you know, those passé pieces of papers shoved in envelopes, carted around, and delivered by actual people.

I've a friend with whom I've been corresponding on and off via post for the past three years (two of which he was on an LDS mission). We live a "whopping" 35 miles / 45 minutes away from each other. We both have cellphones and, of course, who doesn't have the internet? But we keep in touch with pen, paper, and stamp.

It's rather ... refreshing? I don't know the right word, but I enjoy it.

So, thank you U.S. Postal Service!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


... (the movie) gets my recommendation.

Going Straight

There are a couple of la-dies I would totally go straight for:

Kristin Chenoweth
(to hell with the age difference)

from America's Next Top Model, cycle 11
(to hell with the height difference)

But I think I could quite happily settle for working with them -- assuming Annaleigh pursues a career in acting, which I think she should.

A new current dream of mine: to star in a romantic comedy opposite Annaleigh. Add a role for Kristin, and ... well, I think we have my very first two-girl fantasy!

(... I'm pretty sure, though, that straight guys' two-girl fantasies are quite different than what I'm picturing...)

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Help Me, Doc

I've listened to Dr. Laura on and off for the past decade.

I've also listened to Loveline on and off for the past few years.

If you aren't familiar with either, they are both radio shows wherein listeners call to get help with certain dilemmas. Such programs are a secret pleasure of mine -- I like to compare what I would personally advise compared to the hosts.

Because of this secret pleasure of mine, I've listened to perhaps thousands of callers whose problems were primarily a result of something their parents did. The other day, I realized something: out of these thousands of troubled people, I've never heard a call from a gay couple's child.

One would think that, out of all my years of albeit casual listening, I would have at least heard 1 call from a child raised by a gay couple. Statistically -- let's assume I've heard 1500 calls where the problem was parent-related -- I should have heard 7-37 calls throughout the years (based on stats stating that 2-10% of the population is gay and about 25% of gay couples raise children).

According to the strongly held belief that a child optimally needs a man and a woman for parents -- Dr. Laura is undeniably ardent in her polarized gender beliefs, especially concerning the needs of children -- a large concentration of calls should be coming from those children being raised by gay parents.

Nevertheless, I, personally, have yet to hear from one. That's not to say there haven't been any... I just haven't heard them if there have been.

I have, however, heard a plethora of grieved callers (whose grievances are parent-based) who have a man and a woman as parents. True, the grievances are most often the result of the father being a complete dick and/or the mother being a complete cunt (if you'll forgive the crudeness... I used such for a very specific literary purpose)... but is this evidence of the good(man + woman) + children = ideal family theorem?

That is, because someone is messed up because of a dick-of-a-father, does that necessarily translate to, "See, that's why a child needs a good father" ?

Because someone is messed up because of a cunt-of-a-mother, does that necessarily translate to, "See, that's why a child needs a good mother" ?

Or is this just evidence that an effective parent is not a dick or a cunt... but a caring, loving parent?

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Are Mormons Christians?

I wanted to perhaps write an official post based on a side note of a previous post:

(For reference, CDM = Christians who Disagree with Mormons' claim to Christianity; LDS = Latter-day Saints; GMS = Gay Marriage Supporters.)


LDS: We are Christians. We profess that Jesus Christ is our Savior, our Lord, our God. We profess that it is only through Him that man may be saved.

CDM: You cannot be Christians. You profess that Jesus Christ, God the Father, and the Holy Ghost are three separate entities. You profess that Jesus Christ and God the Father have physical bodies and are, therefore, not omnipresent.

This not only offends the traditional Christian definition of God and the definition of God found within the Bible, which clearly states that the Godhead is One Being, but also perverts the holy and sacred eternal nature of God. An omnipresent God is essential to the salvation of men.

LDS: [Listing reasons how different definitions of physiology, different translations of the Bible, and different beliefs in the progression of traditions based on living revelation do not deter from being core-ly Christian.]

CDM: Physiology and traditional translations of the Bible are core requirements of Christianity. Allowing you the title and status of Christianity will befuddle what it means to be Christian. This confusion will be detrimental to taking upon oneself the name of Christ -- the requirement to eternal salvation.

For the sake of the salvation of man, we cannot allow you to share the definition of Christianity.


GMS: Gays couples can marry. They are two beings united as one in the purpose of creating a family.

LDS: Gays cannot marry. Gay couples are not diametrically opposed to each other sexually. Gay couples cannot biologically reproduce within the coupling, itself.

This not only offends the traditional definition of marriage and the definition of marriage found within the Bible, which clearly states that marriage is between a man and a woman, but also perverts the holy and sacred eternal nature of God and man. Heterosexual marriage is essential to the salvation of men.

GMS: [Listing reasons how different definitions of physiology, different translations of the Bible (including not believing in the Bible at all), and different beliefs in the progression of society based on greater social understanding do not deter from being core-ly married.]

LDS: Physiology and traditional translations of the Bible are core requirements of marriage. Allowing you the title and status of marriage will befuddle what it means to be married. This confusion will be detrimental to taking upon oneself the duties of marriage -- the requirement to eternal salvation.

For the sake of the salvation of man, we cannot allow you to share the definition of marriage.

So, should Mormons be allowed the share the definition and title of Christianity? Should gays be allowed to share the definition and title of marriage?

If we were to judge based on physiology and tradition, neither should. If we were to judge based on beliefs of salvation from the majority, neither should.

However, if we were to dismiss physiology, tradition, and religious beliefs of the majority and judge based on the works, hearts, and characters of each, both should.

At least, that's my opinion.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Any Dream Will Do

I had two interesting dreams last night.

In the first dream, I was coming home from buying groceries for Thanksgiving dinner. When I got home, I found the main entrances to my house blocked (I don't remember exactly how), so I had to take a rather long and somewhat tricky detour (I remember most specifically a rather daunting staircase) to get into my house from a small door on the roof.

When I got to this door, someone (who was understood to be LDS and a close relative, though ambiguous as to any specific person or gender even) lurched out from the shadows -- it was nighttime.

Immediately, there was a sense of danger. This person was hungry and ready to attack to take the groceries I'd just bought.

My "fight or flight" instincts kicked in and I started to deliberate which I should do: run into my house, lock the door, and hide in my shelter or put the groceries down and fight until this person fled.

But then I looked into this person's eyes more closely -- and more than anything I saw fear, a fear of hunger, a fear of starvation... and I knew I simply needed to find a way to make it understood that the groceries were sharable, that we both could sit at the Thanksgiving table. Nobody had to run away. Nobody had to fight. Nobody had to go hungry on Thanksgiving if we just sat together and broke bread together.

My second dream began with me rough-housing with one of my nephews. I ended up startling him -- this particular nephew is more mellow than most of my other nephews. My sister-in-law quickly rushed to pick up her son.

I tried to apologize, but my sister-in-law scowled at me and told me to keep my distance. I don't remember the specifics, but it was implied that she felt it necessary to protect her family from me -- because of me being gay.

I exploded and started yelling at not just her but her husband, my brother, and some of my other siblings and their families who were in the room.

Again, I don't remember most of the specifics, but I do remember yelling, "The MOST offensive thing is that you feel you have to PROTECT your children from ME! How am I a threat? Why won't you look at me? Look at ME !"

This second dream was the dream I woke up to. It was quite intense -- much more intense than I could ever describe. I don't think I realized, until this morning, how angry I feel towards some of my siblings.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

... okay...

So I probably will never do porn. Hell, I don't even look at the stuff.

But when you're strapped for cash, not knowing exactly where to go to pay the bills... yeah...

Truth be told, though, I'm actually filled with this strange, foreign sense of confidence when I think about going into acting. It's... strange -- not to be redundant -- but good... maybe.

Well, I guess it's not too foreign. It's the same feeling I had when I tried out for the BYU Ballroom Company -- and totally made it (with having taken only two -- count 'em: 2 -- official ballroom classes and a handful of tutoring sessions from a couple of high school students).

Yes, I am bragging. And, hopefully, I'll be able to brag about my successes in the acting biz. Not that I will... hopefully I can one day be humble and down-to-earth.


One of my coworkers today asked what my plans were since I'm disbanding from the computer programming guild and jokingly added, "I hear there's good money in porn."

I laughed and said, "Yeah, I've been considering it."

... truth is...

I have been considering it...

... and I haven't ruled it out.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


... is spelled the same forward and backwards.


I'll let you decide.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Frankly, I just wish people would sit down and ask themselves, "Would I want what I would have done to families headed by homosexual couples to happen to my family?"

Yes, yes, I know: "But my family is the godly/traditional model."

But, still, I apply the Golden Rule to even that: "Would I want my family to be judged based on its physiology and social traditions instead of its character, heart, and good works?"

I'm tired of all this crap, "We're Christian; we love you ... but we're going to treat you in a way we would not want to be treated. We are going to judge you in a way we have asked not to be judged*."

It's old. It's horrible. And I'm finished being tolerant of it.


*The LDS Church is so adamant that they should be allowed access to the
word and definition of Christianity -- even though they believe the physiology of the Godhead is different than every other Christian sect and is contrary to the past couple centuries of traditional Christian belief. The LDS Church has asked to be seen as Christians based not on what is believed to be the physiological definition of Christ but on what it actually means to be Christian at core.

It is the same with the homosexual couple asking for the word and definition of marriage -- that our unions be based not on what is believed to be the physiological definition of marriage but on what it actually means to be married and raise a family at core.

Both sides hold the same accusations of immorality, satanism, offense to God, danger to society, etc. Both sides hold the stance that, at core, physiology is vital to the defended definition.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Warning: This post is prompted by the ever beautiful 'poor me syndrome.' That is, I will be bemoaning my circumstances and professing them more pitiful than others. This is, by no means, a way to get pity or sympathy but rather a necessary venting to someone other than my sister who doesn't deserve or need my venting and comparing my situation to hers. And, really, this venting is so that I can be the support my sister needs right now.

I have been... paralyzed in a sense. I am terrified of dating. I don't know where that's going to put me with my parents and some of my siblings. True, the trial won't hit until I'm actually in a steady, serious relationship -- but that's where dating leads.

I am ready to start dating, but I don't know if I'm ready to give up the relationship I have with my family. Granted, my relationship with every one of my siblings isn't in jeopardy. One of my brothers and his wife are fantastic about the whole thing. In fact, their response when my parents' told them about me being gay was the best response someone could get, I think: "If anything, we love him more."

I'm wishing my entire family felt that way. It really, really, really sucks to think that I may be cut off. So much so that I have been avoiding the whole dating thing altogether.

For example, my roommate had a party yesterday at our place. I knew there would be single gay guys coming over... so I went and hid at my sister's house. She wasn't even home; I just sat and watched movies by my lonesome -- Kung Fu Panda gets my recommendation -- and fought the urge to go have fun -- because I might possibly meet someone.

Ten o'clock rolled around, and I figured most of the party would be gone, so I headed back. There were still some people left, so I zip-lined straight to my room and watched 3rd Rock from the Sun -- my current favorite TV show... I may spend money I don't have and buy season 1 on DVD... but I digress. But I wasn't free; my roommate came into my room five minutes later and had me meet his friends.

So I went out for about a minute-point-five, said, "S'up" and slinked back into my room. To be honest, I would have stayed to hang out, but there was a guy that I thought was cute and, therefore, threatening.

Turns out, this guy wanted to talk me more, too...

So, I think, well, do I get his number and ask him out? And, BAM, I feel all paralyzed. I mean, it's not like I'm thinking anything beyond some first date with a guy I don't really know... but, still, it really would be my first step into actually being gay. It would be my first step into actually distancing myself from my family. And it's a horribly cripling feeling.

Furthermore... a minute-and-a-half and I wasn't safe... It totally shattered my illusionary safety-blanket of "Well, even if I were to go out and meet people, nobody would be interested in me -- especially someone in whom I may be interested."

Then, this morning, I wake up to my sister texting me with her chagrins concerning her friend who, she wishes, would consider her as a girlfriend -- in fact, their behavior is 100% boyfriend-girlfriend; he just has trepidations and what-not (I won't go into details).

Her situation really is frustrating... but sometimes I want to yell at her, "You know what!? At least the family is rooting for you!! At least the family is hoping that he will work out his trepidations! At least if he does, he'll be 100% a part of the family! Try being gay, having most of the family hoping that you'll never meet anyone ... having most of the family say, 'If you do meet someone, he can't be 100% a part of the family; he can perhaps visit, but keep your visits short' ... and then you can tell me it sucks!!"

It can be tough sitting and listening to my sister when, really, I would kill to have what she has. It sucks that she's in love with a guy who isn't sure where he is in life -- been there (somewhat even on the other side). It's rather terrifying to think that things may not work out for her -- but she has the support of the family; that fear is shared by everyone within the family.

Sometimes I feel so completely alone and unsupported. I mean, I do have friends and what-not who are completely supportive of me... I don't mean to downplay the importance of friends... but my family is so closely knit and wound together. Being cut or blotted out of that tapestry hurts... a lot. It is a completely solitary feeling, as though I'm standing on the moon, nobody else around... no oxygen to breath... no hopes of any spaceships coming to save me... and I'm hating it.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Scrutiny 12.4-b

x = 2+ 2

y = 4

Does x = y?

Argue for both cases, yes and no.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Les Schtroumpfs

Well, it's been a week, and I am officially over my frustration and anger concerning Proposition 8.

In closing this chapter of anger and frustration, I want to briefly share a couple more thoughts on why I, personally, and why I think most of the gay community focused most of the anger and frustration on the LDS Church.
  1. Stuart Matis. To the non-gay (even non-Californian) member, this name probably is unknown. However, to the gay community and to many sympathetic Californians, Stuart Matis's struggle during the last proposition is well know and symbolizes the struggles many gay members within the Church suffered during that time.

    Stuart Matis eventually committed suicide -- and although the last CA proposition wasn't the reason for Stuart's suicide, the atmosphere surrounding the proposition was detrimental to Stuart's well-being. Again, such a detriment was not exclusive to Stuart; he is simply a symbol for the agony that can result from politics entering into church buildings.

    The General Authorities were aware of Stuart's agony, even in regards to the pain surrounding CA's last proposition. And although I knew the Church would stand up for their beliefs on Prop 8, I was expecting them to handle their actions... well, more tactfully than they did.

    I think the protests against the Church -- albeit perhaps fruitless in regards to convincing the Church of anything -- were necessary for those gay members of the LDS Church who have felt ostracized, cast away, unwanted, etc. and etc. to understand that there is a great mass of supporters fighting for their well-being.

  2. I would dare say that a great majority (perhaps most, even) of the gays in California who are married or desire to get married and raise families were once LDS.

    The LDS Church failed us in providing the adequate care we needed to live healthy, happy lives, and now the Church is trying to hinder the alternative choice.

    The protests against the Church -- again, albeit perhaps fruitless in regards to convincing the Church of anything -- were necessary for us to vent our frustration at this institute that seems so intent on making our lives miserable (in the name of love, of all things... it's very frustrating).

But I think the focus on the Church is waning, and we're getting back into fighting for our humane treatment universally.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Gayly Mormon

I have spent many-an-hour pondering Mormonism. There are some things that I like and am drawn to spiritually... and there are some things that I think are quite... well, horrible, really.

However, because I base my spiritual beliefs primarily upon those experiences I feel are spiritual, I have to admit that I am drawn to believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's "One True Church" ... but not in the way many Mormons believe.

When most Mormons profess that theirs is the "One True Church" they imply that whatever the Church does, holds, proclaims, etc. is exactly what God would do, hold, proclaim, etc.

When I profess that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the "One True Church" I imply that the LDS Church is God's official Notary Public here on Earth -- and, frankly, such is the sole significance of the LDS Church in my mind.

I don't mean to downplay this significance. Covenants, according to Christian philosophy, are vitally important to God. Having the official authority to notarize covenants between man and God is a huge responsibility and requires some extra knowledge of God's intent for us here on Earth.

Indeed, I believe the LDS Church holds a greater knowledge concerning our purpose here on Earth.

However, I do not sustain the idea that all of the Church's actions, words, beliefs, and understandings are 100% equal to God's actions, words, and knowledge. Otherwise, I could not believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Her vanity and pride in her authority are quite ungodly in my eyes. In fact, I believe this vanity and pride are blinding her to further understanding some necessary concepts concerning our purpose in this life -- and have prodded her into professing fallacies in the name of God.

Again, the only significance I can see the LDS Church holding -- if she is the "One True Church" -- is the significance of being God's official Notary Public; nothing less, nothing more. Again, I don't mean to downplay the immense importance of this significance.

With that being said, though, I do not believe notarized covenants are the only covenants that can be made between man and God. Granted, notarization holds much more security than not. Nevertheless, in the end, there will be only one Judge who looks over all contracts, bonds, and covenants made in His name. And it will be that sole Judge who will decide which covenants, whether notarized or not, will be honored.

And, again, He is my Master and none other. The covenants I make are with Him and Him only. If they cannot be notarized, so be it; my faith and testimony in Him are strong enough and confident enough to stand against any insecurity.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Gayly Christian

There is a great controversy in proclaiming Christianity while believing it is not against God's will to marry someone of the same sex.

Nevertheless, I now stand... okay, well, I'm sitting, but let's be metaphorical here... to say that I am "Gayly Christian."

Now, I do not claim spiritual/religious knowledge but belief. My beliefs are founded upon those things which I have felt to be spiritual and are structured by the framework of logic and reason. (Much like a computer program where the foundation thereof is an idea/need and the framework to build such an idea/belief is structured by logic. Indeed, my religious leanings are quite greatly influenced by my being a geek, a student of computer logic and programming.)

Through my studies, prayers, meditations, et al. I have been and continue to be drawn spiritually toward Christianity. I also have had experiences in my life that have lead me to believe in a spiritual essence (or I could just be a little off my rocker -- note the use of the word "just." I'm fully aware that I am, indeed, a little crazy... loony if you will).

Anyway, I do believe that Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior, having descended into mortality as Mercy to satisfy the demands of Justice. Indeed, I profess to be Christian.

'IMPOSSIBLE!" some may shout, "You cannot be truly Christian and accept homosexuality! Such the latter has been professed by the prophets of God to be abominable, abhorrent, evil, confusing the nature of man! How can you profess Christianity AND homosexuality!?! IMPOSSIBLE!"

Truth be told, I read (present tense) the Bible. Truth be told, I believe in prophets and prophecy. Truth be told, my favorite LDS seminary class in high school was focused on The New Testament. Truth be told, there are within The New Testament some conditionals declared by Christ, Himself, that, if used as a framework of logic and reason, have taken the words of the Bible (and those whom I believe are men of God) off of the pedestal on which they once resided within my heart.

These core conditionals of Christianity (as I see it) are as follows (according to the King James Version of the Bible):

  1. Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. (Matthew 22: 37-40)

  2. For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. For every tree is known by his own fruit. For of thorns men do not gather figs, nor of a bramble bush gather they grapes. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh. (Luke 6: 43-45)

  3. But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted. (Matthew 23:8-12)

I think (of all apostles), Paul sums up these conditionals quite well in 1 Corinthians 13:

8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity

Framed by these conditionals and understandings, I have structured my stance on homosexuality.

First and foremost, I asked myself, "What is the most charitable thing to do?" Decidedly, such depended on what is good and what is evil (as it benefits no man to allow evilness); therefore, I asked, "Are these families bringing to pass good works or evil works?"

I then sought to discern for myself the works of married gay couples raising families, and I have witnessed, in great abundance, good and commendable works; indeed, every work I saw brought to pass by the homosexual couple was equal to the works brought to pass by the heterosexual counterpart.

To the statement, "Nevertheless, the prophets have spoken," there is the response, "Whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For [they] know in part, and [they] prophecy in part... [they] see through a glass, darkly... the greatest [concept upon building the foundation of life] is charity."

Prophecies cannot, in my mind, usurp the conditionals of charity and judgment based on good works. Such prophecies that would try will necessarily fail.

For man is man, prone to prejudice which prejudice will only fog the glass through which we already see darkly. This is why I, as a Christian, exalt no man to the same position of Christ. Accordingly, no words of man can I exalt to words of God.

Indeed, no man is my Master, for I have only one: even Jesus Christ.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Notre Dame de Paris

One of my favorite books is Notre Dame de Paris by Victor Hugo.

That's all.

Friday, November 7, 2008


Well, it looks like the protests have been peaceful thus-far... I am very much relieved.

Some of the Church's statements regarding them, though... well... have been bothering me -- big surprise, eh?

I think the sentiment that bothers me the most is that protesting on/near their sacred places of worship is wrong and that they have done nothing wrong, themselves, in exercising their right to vote in protest of the definition of marriage. (I'm paraphrasing.)

Again, what hypocrisy! Their protest came right into the most sacred parts of the lives of so many people -- their families -- and took away rights, liberties, and privileges thereof.

And they're the poor victims? Give me a break.

Now, I don't like how a temple had to close; I don't think we should hinder anyone's security in their sacred places... and that's exactly my point.

Frankly put and again, the LDS Church has hindered the security of the most sacred part of many people's lives: their families.

As for the LDS Church's woes of being singled out... I can't speak for everyone, but the reason why I, personally, am singling out the LDS Church right now is because they were the root of the massively erroneous information concerning the freedoms of religions being threatened -- and that no rights are being taken away from any gay couples and families raised by such (all complete B.S.).

Of course, the LDS Church is very much singled out naturally on this issue as it has the most to lose... their doctrine is dependent on the happiest, healthiest, and most secure family being the man, woman, and their bio children.

The LDS Church has already lost the happiest and healthiest family part. All they have is the security part to hold onto and defend.

If they can make the law detriment [sic] married gay couples, then they can still claim superiority of their definition of family based on legal protection and security.

This is where the threat gay marriage posses to these religious institutions: it weakens their claims and beliefs concerning the family. But it's not a threat to their rights, freedoms, and liberties. They can still believe what they will and how they will, however weak (I think that's rather apparent with a lot of beliefs), but they have no right to make sure their beliefs have a legal leg-up and extra protection.

THAT is wrong.

I must honestly wonder if they truly think they are protecting "traditional families" ... that is, legislation like Proposition 8 isn't going to prevent or discourage gay people from marrying and raising families - I know I am going to marry (pending I can find someone) a guy and raise children with him, no matter what arbitrary definition of marriage is forced into the constitution by the majority.

And it's not like gay marriage and families therefrom don't already exists and haven't existed for who knows how long.

Legislation such as Proposition 8 does not make the "traditional family" more secure, happy, or healthy.

All such legislation does is discriminate against marriages and families [so that religions such as the LDS Church can continue to falsely project their believed moral supremacy] which marriages and families are already formed and will continue to form ... that's all it does, plain and simple.

Frankly, bluntly, (those are my two favorite words, if you haven't noticed... I love frankness and bluntness) and in sum, gays have been marrying and raising families for who knows how long. They are at least as happy and at least as healthy as the heterosexual counterpart. And it's time that they are at least as secure.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Practically Overnight

I once wondered if there would be protests and animosity towards the LDS Church similar to fifty-or-so years ago in regards to Black rights.

I brushed it off, thinking, "No, things will happen more gradually and peacefully with this..."

But, SCHTROUMPH, practically overnight, the seeds of animosity have sprouted. Protesters are surrounding temples, the Church is being called out angrily in her hypocrisy (I think the Church's PR shot the Church in the head with their most recent statement), and I'm not very thrilled about the whole thing.

Am I pissed at the Church's lies and hypocrisy? Absolutely. Am I frustrated and angry? Totally. Will I get over it? Probably by next week.

But my mommy and daddy are temple workers, and if one hair on either of their heads is misplaced, so help me...

I will always protect my family -- it's why I am so ardently against anti-gay marriage legislation; it is why I am so ardently against these protests that could result in violence.

It is not the way things should be handled. Vent in your blogs... bicker childishly with those who comment in opposition to your posts... punch a wall... break a chair... then take a deep breath and move on with life and fight without violence, anger, and frustration.

Don't let it escalate into what is was half a century ago... It's disgusting. It's reprehensible. It's foolish. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. It's disappointing.


[rolling eyes]

I'm sorry, I still have some venting to do, I guess.

From LDS Church headquarters:

The Church calls on those involved in the debate over same sex marriage to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility towards each other. No one on either side of the question should be vilified, intimidated, harassed or subject to erroneous information.

No vilification, eh? Like, "Gays marriage will result in the downfall of society and the fundamental understanding of a family; it is an evil institution inspired by Satan." (See various Ensigns and statements made by LDS General Authorities.)

No intimidation, eh? Like, "If your child enters into a gay relationship, you should not allow his/her partner into your family." (See various Ensigns and statements made by LDS General Authorities.)

No harassment, eh? Like, oh, I don't know, the entire Proposition 8 campaign.

No erroneous information, eh? Like, "Legalizing gay marriage will force religions to accept homosexuality, will force private adoption agencies to adopt to gay couples, has the same rights as domestic partnerships and civil unions." (See the official LDS Church's site concerning Proposition 8.)

The term "Smiling Eyes" comes to mind.

Maybe Ugly Betty will help calm me down.


What doesn't kill us...

... makes us stronger.

~Friedrich Nietzsche

As frustrated as I've been these past few months, I've been feeling a new-found strength (not in my anger, but despite).

Hopefully my anger and frustration will wane quickly... they are such icky feelings.


I was achy all day yesterday... I thought it was just because of the anti-gay political action throughout the nation.

But then I woke up early this morning with that horrible pain in the intestines that tears from within, jeering, "You're getting the flu, kid."

It's actually pretty mild -- knock on wood -- but still not pleasant.

It looks like I'll be spending another day in bed.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The greatest single cause of atheism...

... is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.
~Brennan Manning

I do not and cannot equate what many people are doing and have done in the name of Christianity as Christian... especially and specifically the LDS Church.

Frankly put: if your believed ideal society is truly ideal, then live that ideal within your own sub-society and let your light shine before the world as evidence of the validity of your faith... such is what Christ taught.

In no way, shape, or form did Christ ever teach that you should legislate your ideals in secular law -- especially when you, yourselves, are not living such ideal.

It is reprehensible. It is ugly. It is disgusting. It is hypocritical. It is akin to the pharisees and sagisees... no, not akin, it is precisely what the pharisees and sagisees were guilty of.

And although these actions do not make my personal faith in a God waver, they have made me doubt how strongly you believe in the light of your beliefs.

Frankly, you must know that the security of a companion is by far a healthier lifestyle choice than any you can provide for most homosexuals.

Frankly, you must know that the parenting of homosexual couples equals -- rivals even -- the heterosexual counterpart.

Otherwise, why do you feel the need to try to put a bushel over these lights?

I have absolutely no doubts in my beliefs as I stand up to let such a light shine before men... and I wish you would stop trying to shade that light. It is cowardly, shameful, and frankly dims your light significantly.

Indeed, you have lost members as you have abandoned the nourishment of your own light in order to futilely seek to dim another's.

Ah, Poop

Well, it seems that Proposition 8 is going to pass. To be honest, I wasn't expecting it wouldn't, not with all the homophobia, arbitrary fear, and ardent self-righteousness fogging around in majority still.

One day it will be different, but it's going to take some time, courage, patience, long-suffering, humility, meekness... charity... on everyone's part.

Monday, November 3, 2008

God Made Me Do It

I don't like determinism in any way shape or form.


Saturday, November 1, 2008

Dear Barbara & Steve Young,

Thank you!


Andrew Martin Pankratz

Where I Was

I've been rummaging through my old writings/journal entries/poems/etc. recently; in doing so, I was reminded of the past seven years of hopelessness... and how absolutely dramatic I was about it:
This is no thorn in my side; my bowels have been thrashed out, my lungs scarred with breathlessness... yet my heart, they did not break the beat.
My heart melts with grief and loneliness. My mind burns with fevered emotion and confusion. I feel as a wounded animal with naught but encompassing predators. Light, which should spawn hope, only seethes further fear of hunters. Am I to die? Will my wounds be healed and the predators’ drool held? Will the light be that of friendly eye or hungered mouth? Where is my shelter?
Father, lead my heart to comfort’s keep. My burdens make light that my melting body might be made strong. Soften my crumbling heart and in its softness give me the strength and means to love.
I can’t seem to want what’s right anymore. I can’t seem to want what’s wrong; I am trapped in a limbo-ed hell. I can’t take one step more; I am too weary. I fear my hardened heart has given up on all that I once believed to be true. No more hope. No more trust. No more faith. No more sorrow. No more shame. No more pressing forward when forward brings only pain. No more darkness. No more light. No more thoughts of revolution; the world’s a stagnant place. No more freedom. No more peace. No more fighting for things that will never be... no more me.
God, I pray for a reason for me. Otherwise, let my organs cease, let my breath run out, and let my soul fade away. I seek not ‘freedom’ nor ‘happiness’ but the damnation that is mine anyway.
Everything is silent. Even the noise is silent... hollow... empty. Everything I touch is silent. Insanity pervades around me. Do I drink it in and drown? Do I tread the stormy sea of sanity until drowning is the only choice? The further I swim, the more lives I touch, the more damage I do... even the clicking of this pen against the paper is hollow.
I am exhausted, and in such exhaustion the doorway to insanity grows more vivid. The world fades and slows around me. The air becomes an unbreathable void, lacking of anything save aspiration. If I walk, I walk too fast; if I stand still, the world flies away. I can naught but sit and stare and wonder why all I see is null. . . why all I am is a prince in a ‘world of void.'
No monthly payments;
Debt will always pile on. . .
I am naught but spent.
(Although applicable to my then financial situation; I was referring to love.)

My bitter-seared eyes
Spawn tears of chartreuse envy
And burn my stained cheeks
More conflicted hues
Bind the brightened dew of hope
To murky puddles
Thus nailed to my cross
Feel I no more God’s true Light
Only seething blood
One star’s touch to burn
Yet no star’s touch lights too cold
Sun’s death touch is want
To leave may seem free
To stay seem a lesser choice
Yet turn not can I
Mirrors reflect him
The man standing where I stand
And nobody else
Despite strong stance
The roots of this tree wain quick
As but a breeze blows
The lake an honest maid?
Her waters taste sweet save held
But held is “the way”
The Order of the Violet Rose
They, the Order of the Violet Rose,
They taste the light through darkened rows
They’re asked to understand
That though they know the love, they never touch
As touching taints the dew

They, the Order of the Violet Rose,
They know the sorrow noone knows
They’re asked to all-withstand
That though they feel the love, they never touch
As touching wilts anew

Few are they, and lone are they
They, in silence, stand
They, the Order of the Violet Rose,
Will ever know of pain
For they, in silence, lone, and few
Must hold the violet stain
Crumpled Paper
I live my life like a
Crumpled paper
Tumbleweed-ing in the wind
Crumbled idea
Wadded up and thrown aside

How I wish for
No more wastebins
No more fire
Robin Hood
Forlorn and long distraught
I stand with calloused knees
I stand with calloused heart
I look the winds before me fall
In shades of black and grey

The humbled heart ‘once bled
Now bleeds but numb and fades
I aimed to please
Now please to aim
No more the helpful man

Help is not what world seeks
But lies and thieves, their guilds
Noone would have an honest man
For if he befriend an honest man
He, honest, too, should be
Honesty, a heavy shawl,
Shall surely weigh him down

So join the guild, and turn your back
On honest hands out-held
But when you see my jaded eyes
In th’shadowed guilded halls,
Be warned:

The honest man I hold as friend
So steal I not from him,
But those whose hearts of greeded blood
Bleed “warmth” from guild-within

Friday, October 31, 2008

Panic Mode

I forgot to refill my sleeping meds yesterday... I did not sleep very well.

To be honest, I hate that I'm still dependent on them; I'm going to see if I can finally ween myself from needing them.

Anyway, last night was kind of rough; I kept waking up panicky and feeling like someone was in my room wanting to kill me.

It doesn't help that life has thrown me another stressful patch, what with having to cut my hours at work in half for a while to rest my eyes and see if I can exercise them into cooperation.

I'm a little panicky that I'm not going to be able to sustain myself financially -- though, I should be able to if I'm smart... which I haven't been in the past, financially speaking.

I'm a little panicky that I may not have a choice in my career, that it's already been decided by my eyes that I shouldn't be a [full-time] computer programmer.

I'm a little panicky that I may not be able to make it in the acting world.

I do think I've found a talent agency where I may apply. But, as I'm considering, all this doubt is flooding in: You're not good enough ... you're not attractive enough ... etc. ... etc. ... etc.

You know, the basic trepidations before jumping into a whole new world. Bah!

... I guess I'm going to just have to plug my nose and jump... I mean, do I really have a choice?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pensive Unrest

So, I can't sleep...

But in my 'unsleeping' I had a thought:

The time just before I came out of the closet, I was extremely harsh towards homosexuality. I was scared I was losing my faith. I was angry my faith was being challenged. My homosexuality was threatening what I held dear and believed was true, and not only was I unkind to such my homosexuality, I was blowing everything out of proportion: "Accepting my homosexuality would denounce Christianity. Accepting my homosexuality will strip me of my eternal potential. Accepting homosexuality will darken my soul. Etc."

But, mostly, I was simply scared.

I wonder if such is what is happening collectively with the LDS Church and society.

I Don't Like U2

... but that's not the point of this post...

'What is the point of this post?' you may ask.

To be honest, I don't know. Just like I don't know what "greenly chalked" means.

I just feel like typoing -- hehe, yes, typoing. Although that was an accident, I do enjoy verbing nouns. That reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon... grr, U2 again -- I should take that album off my playlist.

I'm kind of lazy when it comes to organizing my music. I'm kind of lazy when it comes to organizing my living area.

But I'm also rather OCD when it comes to some other things... like checking my fly. It saved me the other day. I was at Pizza Hut, my OCD urge to check my fly kicked in, I checked it and it was undone. Not that I was embarrassed about it or anything, I quite publickly (I don't know if I like spelling it with a 'k' but I thought I'd give it a try out right now... damn it, U2 AGAIN... I don't like iTune's "random" track delivery (is there a way to play with the generator's seed?))

... where was I...

Oh yeah, fly open in Pizza Hut. I reached down without shame (oh, this sounds like it could be call-the-cops dirty right now) and zipped up my pants.

I just bought some new underware -- Hanes briefs. I like them better than my Fruit-of-the-Looms boxer briefs.

Ah, much better, The Scarlet Pimpernel... and now Brak... I love Brak.

(What's round on the ends and hi in the middle?)

But I don't love Brak more than I love Kristin Chenoweth. I want to be her BFF. Not just because she's über fabulous, but because I think she and I would get along swimmingly.

Right now my dream role would be to play a character related to/associate with Olive on Pushing Daisies. My life would be complete. Com-plete.

Ahrens & Flaherty. I want to be in a premier of one of their musicals. They are fabulous.

It's only 9:30, but I think I'm going to get ready for bed right now. I've been quite tired lately.

I still don't know how to swim. I don't know if I care about it too much, but I do wonder why that just popped in my head. I was thinking about Ballroom.

How Ballroom and going to be at 9:30 have anything to do with each other is beyond me... but, hey, oh... a track from the CD that I listened to when I was the most suicidal just started to play... this brings back some painful memories... NEXT!

As I was leaving work today, my co-worker said that I was the quietest guy he'd ever met -- and that he found it odd that, unlike the other quiet people he knows, I was seemingly confident and had a sense of humor.

I think I'm so quiet in person because I... well, you've been reading this post! And, no, I'm not on any drugs of any kind, including alcohol... this is sober me. I think that's perhaps my greatest reservation about getting drunk -- I would be... unpredictable (and probably a complete blast to be around, to be honest).

I would probably lose my reservations about keeping my insanity confined.

Dark Wizard -- now that is one of my favorite games.

I need Bollywood movies... seriously. The Bollywood Chicken at Bombay House... gets my recommendation.

My thoughts aren't so non-sequitur as they may appear. Albeit, I absolutely love non-sequiturism.

I'm going to go take a bath.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Gay Marriage: Rights & Morality

According to

of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical: moral attitudes.
elevated rank, office, station, etc.

According to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights:

ARTICLE 1... All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

Proponents of homosexual marriage are demanding that homosexuals be treated equally in dignity as heterosexuals.

Opponents of homosexual marriage are demanding that the dignity of heterosexuals be elevated higher than the dignity of homosexuals.
ARTICLE 2... Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status.
Proponents of homosexual marriage are demanding that one's rights, freedoms, and potentials not be based on the distinction of any kind, specifically the distinction of one's physiology.

Opponents of homosexual marriage are demanding that one's rights, freedoms, and potentials are necessarily tied to the distinction of one's physiology.
ARTICLE 3... Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of person.
Proponents of homosexual marriage are demanding the maximum security of the homosexual person.

Opponents of homosexual marriage are reluctantly allowing the minimum security of the homosexual person.

ARTICLE 6... Everyone has the right to recognition everywhere as a person before the law.

Proponents of homosexual marriage see persons.

Opponents of homosexual marriage see orientations.
ARTICLE 7... All are equal before the law and are entitled without any discrimination to equal protection of the law. All are entitled to equal protection against any discrimination in violation of this Declaration and against any incitement to such discrimination.
Proponents of homosexual marriage demand equal legal protection for homosexuals as for heterosexuals.

Opponents of homosexual marriage demand greater legal protection for heterosexuals than for homosexuals.
ARTICLE 12... No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.
Proponents of homosexual marriage demand that the interference with a homosexual's "privacy, family, home or correspondence, [and] attacks upon his honour and reputation" stop immediately.

Proponents of homosexual marriage demand that the law protect the homosexual from this interference.

Opponents of homosexual marriage are in constant interference with a homosexual's "privacy, family, home or correspondence."

Opponents of homosexual marriage are constantly attacking the honour and reputation of homosexually-headed families.

Opponents of homosexual marriage demand that it is such their attacks that should not receive interference with the law (i.e. "You have no right to teach society's children about gay marriage in a non-negative light!")
ARTICLE 16... (1) Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution.
(2) Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses. (3) The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.
Proponents of homosexual marriage demand this right for homosexuals -- including being a part of "the natural and fundamental group unit of society."

Opponents of homosexual marriage demand that this right is not a right of a homosexual -- proclaiming a family is distinctly based on physiology. (See Article 2.)
ARTICLE 22... Everyone, as a member of society, has the right to social security and is entitled to realization, through national effort and international co-operation and in accordance with the organization and resources of each State, of the economic, social and cultural rights indispensable for his dignity and the free development of his personality.
Proponents of homosexual marriage demand the national effort, social and cultural rights, etc. allow a homosexual the free development of his personality -- with dignity.

Opponents of homosexual marriage demand national effort detriment a homosexual's ability to freely develop his personality -- especially with dignity.
ARTICLE 28... Everyone is entitled to a social and international order in which the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration can be fully realized.
Proponents of homosexual marriage are demanding this social and international order.

Opponents of homosexual marriage are demanding that the rights set forth in this Declaration should not be fully realized by the homosexual.
ARTICLE 29... (1) Everyone has duties to the community in which alone the free and full development of his personality is possible.
Proponents of homosexual marriage are demanding that the homosexual be allowed the possibility to freely and fully develop his personality.

Opponents of homosexual marriage are demanding that the homosexual be denied the free and full development of his personality.
ARTICLE 29... (2) In the exercise of his rights and freedoms, everyone shall be subject only to such limitations as are determined by law solely for the purpose of securing due recognition and respect for the rights and freedoms of others and of meeting the just requirements of morality, public order and the general welfare in a democratic society.
Proponents of homosexual marriage are demanding that "the just requirements of morality, public order and the general welfare in a democratic society" -- specifically that which is deemed wrong -- be indistinct of anything save that which is proven to detriment society and infringe upon any of these Universal Rights.

Opponents of homosexual marriage are demanding that "the just requirements of morality, public order and the general welfare in a democratic society" -- specifically that which is deemed wrong -- be distinctly based upon their religious beliefs. (See Article 2.)

According to the American Psychological Association:
Not a single study has found children of lesbian or gay parents to be disadvantaged in any significant respect relative to children of heterosexual parents. Indeed, the evidence to date suggests that home environments provided by lesbian and gay parents are as likely as those provided by heterosexual parents to support and enable children's psychosocial growth.
Proponents of homosexual marriage are actively looking at the actual effects of homosexual couples raising children.

Opponents of homosexual marriage refuse to acknowledge the actual effects of homosexual couples raising children, not only dismissing research but also (more starkly and importantly) defaming and profaning the honour and reputation of these actual families performing as equally as the families raised by heterosexual couples. (See Article 12.)

Conclusively: Opposing homosexual marriage legally is a gross infringement upon the Unversal Rights of the homosexual whose personality, dignity, honour, etc. includes marriage to one of the same sex.

Conclusively: Equating homosexual marriage to heterosexual marriage in no way infringes upon anyone's Universal Rights.

Homosexual marriage does not degrade heterosexual marriage in any way.

Indeed, homosexual marriage would give homosexual persons (again, specifically the homosexual whose free and full development of personality includes partnering with someone of the same sex in order to form a family) the same dignity, respect, honour, rights, etc. as the heterosexual counterpart.

And that is precisely the point -- and why you should support the legal equality of homosexual marriage.

You may believe whatever you will concerning what is right and wrong in the eyes of God.

You may not, however, deny anyone of any Universal Rights based on these beliefs. Such is unjust. Such is immoral. Such is ungodly -- even according to the religious beliefs of those who oppose homosexual marriage.

Wednesday, October 29th, 2008 is Write to Marry Day. To participate, post on your own blog against Prop 8 on or before October 29, 2008, then submit the link to your post by completing the form here.

Damn It pt. II

Well, it seems as though the mistress that is Fate has weighed in on my "Should I remain Geek-Andrew or venture into the unknown world of Actor-Andrew?"

In related news, I may have figured out what is causing my constant pain: my eyes. Apparently, the same reason my eyes have never been magic and why I needed to have a lazy eye repaired when I was 14 may be causing my pain of not-so-fun-proportions, staring at a computer screen for 40 hours a week... well, at least according to my Optometrist.

I did just take a four-day weekend... and my pain was starting to ease up quite a bit yesterday. The two main differences were: 1) I slept a lot; and 2) I avoided prolonged periods of computer usage.

The pain started to build back up midday today... So, I'm thinking maybe 40 hours a week of computer use isn't in my best interest... acting it is?