Friday, October 31, 2008

Panic Mode

I forgot to refill my sleeping meds yesterday... I did not sleep very well.

To be honest, I hate that I'm still dependent on them; I'm going to see if I can finally ween myself from needing them.

Anyway, last night was kind of rough; I kept waking up panicky and feeling like someone was in my room wanting to kill me.

It doesn't help that life has thrown me another stressful patch, what with having to cut my hours at work in half for a while to rest my eyes and see if I can exercise them into cooperation.

I'm a little panicky that I'm not going to be able to sustain myself financially -- though, I should be able to if I'm smart... which I haven't been in the past, financially speaking.

I'm a little panicky that I may not have a choice in my career, that it's already been decided by my eyes that I shouldn't be a [full-time] computer programmer.

I'm a little panicky that I may not be able to make it in the acting world.

I do think I've found a talent agency where I may apply. But, as I'm considering, all this doubt is flooding in: You're not good enough ... you're not attractive enough ... etc. ... etc. ... etc.

You know, the basic trepidations before jumping into a whole new world. Bah!

... I guess I'm going to just have to plug my nose and jump... I mean, do I really have a choice?


  1. it's already been decided by my eyes that I shouldn't be a [full-time] computer programmer.

    Program with your eyes closed! :)

    Seriously, I've worked with computer programmers in my company who were blind. There are a lot of accessibility tools to help the visually impaired, including screen readers. If you're just typing into an editor or something then you could learn to do it with your eyes closed, opening them only when needed for navigation, etc.

    It also might be a matter of training yourself to look away periodically so that you aren't staring at the computer screen for hours on end.

  2. It may also be a matter of where your focus is--that is, maybe it's focusing on a screen that's 18" from your face for 8 hours/day that's giving you problems. If that's the case, perhaps a screen that's further away (and that's larger, with larger fonts to compensate) would make a difference?

    (or even just larger fonts on your existing monitor, with a wireless keyboard so you can sit back from your desk a bit)

  3. ... not that I think you shouldn't pursue the acting. If you think you'll enjoy it, go for it! But if you can make your "day job" more bearable while you're making a name for yourself in theater, that's good, right?

  4. That's actually the plan right now: reduce my hours to give my eyes a rest while I try various things to see if I can improve my eyes' ability to work full-time.