Saturday, January 31, 2009

Finding Me Further

So, you know how I was just posting that I could really use about $2K by today?

Well, I did my taxes today, and I'm getting just enough of a refund that I'll be able to afford what I need.

Seriously... am I dreaming? This is all working out perfectly -- in the literal sense of the word, no hyperbolizing [sic].

God is good.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Famous Last Words

Don't ask me why, but I've been wondering what my last words are going to be. I've narrowed the possibilities down to the following:

- I told you that one isn't loaded. Here, try this one.

- Is that a stop sign or a yield sign?

- Wow, that's a lot of blood!

- What's a platypus doing here?

- Scrud... run... RUN!

- Connect side A to side B...

- Come on, Andrew, don't chicken out now.

- Unicorns are real!

- I don't care what the expiration date says, it's still good.

- That smell is oddly familiar...

- I've got to touch it... I just have to touch it...

- She's not a lesbian.

- Psh... flammable my derrière.

- Stop, that tickles!

- I knew that was a bad idea.

- I swear, I have no idea what you're talking about.

- It's not quite even.

- Screw you, Bigfoot.

- Hey, mom, it's Andrew. What does it mean if my snot is purple?

- ... that doesn't feel right...

- It's syncopated.

- No, I'M Kristin Chenoweth's biggest fan!!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Checking the Oil

In the comments of JGW's post, Does Being in a Gay Relationship Make One Happy? Does Gay Love Qualify as Love?, Ty Mansfield mentioned his strong spiritual revelation of an eternal future with a female eternal companion.

JGW also expresses his strong spiritual revelations that his relationship with his husband will be eternal.

Some gay Mormons feel adamant, with the backing of spiritual confirmation, that they were heterosexual before the world was and will be heterosexual (at the very least for one of the opposite sex) after this world.

Some gay Mormons feel adamant, with the backing of spiritual confirmation, that they were homosexual before the world was and will be homosexual after this world.

So... which one is it (if it is either)?

Yes, that is a rhetorical question. I do have my answer -- which is found within the Doctrine & Covenants:
All truth is independent in that asphere in which God has placed it, to bact for itself, as all intelligence also; otherwise there is no existence.

I believe they are all right. The truth about who I will be as a perfected being is dependent upon my nature. My independent nature.

I who am naturally talented in the Performing Arts. I who am naturally talented in the Computer Sciences.

I who am naturally prone to impatience and impulsiveness.

I who am naturally attracted to men. I who am naturally a man, myself.

My truth is dependent upon all that.

My joy is dependent upon all that.

To me, joy is a state of confidence, happiness, and well-being (even during trying and difficult times) brought to pass through the development and progression of one's truth, one's nature.

Take Ballroom, for example. I have a natural talent for Ballroom. I've never had major problems holding a proper frame (save with Samba Rolls), proper technique comes quickly to me, etc.

That's not to say it isn't difficult. That's not to say I'm perfect or anywhere near. I have a lot of work to do. A lot of my talent is still quite raw and needs much refinement.

That's also not to say that it's always pleasant. I had a partner that made it quite unpleasant. My big toenails almost fell of a couple weeks ago.

But even during the challenging and painful times, even when I dance with partners I don't like (definitely not the case with my current partner), I am in a state of overwhelming confidence, happiness, and well-being when I am dancing Ballroom.

But it's not Ballroom that brings joy. It's my developing and augmenting this natural talent of mine that spawns the joy.

I apply the same concept to everything -- including sexuality.

I fully believe JGW's eternal happiness will be found within his relationship with his husband, because that's what he has testified in regards to his personal revelations, to his truth.

I fully believe Ty's eternal happiness will be found in a heterosexual relationship, because that's what he has testified in regards to his personal revelations, to his truth.

Again, truth is independent.

Just as much as it would be ludicrous for me to expect anyone else to find joy in Ballroom, it is ludicrous -- in my opinion -- for one to expect another to find joy in those things that bring joy to that one.

Now, I understand the sentiment, "This is bringing me such a great joy, come partake!"

I would love for all my nieces and nephews to take Ballroom.

More deeply, though, I want my nieces and nephews to experience the sense of confidence, happiness, and well-being I get from Ballroom.

This is, I believe, the core of where Mormons and other like religious sects stand on homosexuality. My parents, for example, want me to be happy. Their marriage and family is the greatest source of happiness in their lives -- and that's what they want for me.

Unfortunately, they ignore this concept of independent truth.

From my personal spiritual experiences, I sincerely believe that I was homosexual before this world was, that I will be homosexual when this world will be no more, and that my joy in regards to eternal companionship is dependent upon this part of my "sphere of creation."

In fact, as I read Scott & Sarah's recent posts on Patriarchal Blessings (PB), I am reminded of my own PB. I believe I was 12 when I received my PB. There are some things that seemed so mysterious to me (including the portion that mentioned something about my life in the pre-existance). Mysterious until I began to accept my homosexuality, then things started to really click.

There were even things that didn't start "coming to pass" until I decided to find a husband. In fact, I remember thinking the wording concerning my eternal companion and those with whom I would be reunited after this life was odd... until I decided to find a husband.

Concerning joy, when I was trying to live according to the Church's guidelines, expecting heterosexuality (either in this life or the next), I was... well, I was miserable.

But when I stepped out of those guidelines, I started to feel an overwhelming sense of confidence, happiness, and well-being... even during the trying and sad times.

Of course and again, I am not foolish enough to expect that such a route will bring happiness to anyone but myself.

For example, I highly doubt Ty would find true joy through this same route.

He is not I and I am not He. Since truth is independent, my truth is not his nor is his truth mine.

I wish we could all remember this.

I wish we could all trust each other to know ourselves and act appropriately to seek joy, to seek to develop our independent natures, our independent truths.

I wish we could also all remember that joy cannot be brought back as misery nor misery as joy (Alma 41:12-13). Inasmuch as something that brings misery cannot be justified for joy in the end, something that brings joy cannot be justified for misery in the end.

Such is my response to those that would say, "I want you to be happy -- not just now happy, but forever happy."

If it is something that truly makes me "now happy," then it is something that can only be restored to something that makes me "forever happy." Again, by "happy," I mean "joy" or a state of confidence, happiness, and well-being (even during trying and difficult times) brought to pass through the development and progression of one's truth, one's nature.

If it is something that does good, then it is something that can only be restored to goodness. So, in regards to gay marriage, how is providing good homes for the world's orphans -- something very good -- going to be restored to something evil? How is creating a companionship for those who are not intended to be alone -- something very good -- going to be restored to something evil?

Granted, it could be said, "How could something defined as evil -- gay sex -- be restored to something good?"

This is definitely a valid question, but I must ask: What is evilness?

In my mind, if our purpose is to have joy (2 Nephi 2:25), then righteousness is that which brings to pass joy. If evilness is the opposite of righteousness, then evilness is that which brings to pass the opposite of joy. If the opposite of joy is misery, then evilness is that which brings to pass misery.

Now, if joy is developing one's nature, then misery is degrading one's nature.

For one who is naturally heterosexual, homosexual sex will bring misery... because it degrades one's natural heterosexuality. For a heterosexual, homosexual sex is evil.

For one who is naturally homosexual (true, some do not believe this is possible), homosexual sex s a component of developing one's nature; therefore, it is a means of joy, and, therefore, not evil and can only be restored to goodness.

(And, let's be honest here, the main audience of the Bible and other such scriptures is the heterosexual white male.

(And, let's be further honest here, the General Authorities are just that, General Authorities. Generally, people are heterosexual.

(Don't get me wrong though, I didn't start with such "they're speaking for the general population." I started with, "Wait, this isn't bringing misery to some people... what's the deal?" and then I came to the general conclusion.)

Granted, such a conclusion is dependent upon whether or not one can truly be homosexual in nature, and I cannot say that I know such. All I know is that I strongly believe such is true about me, I have seen great joy in homosexual couples, and I have seen a great good being brought to pass through homosexual couples adopting children.

The only thing that would suggest homosexuality is evil despite all of this are the words of general authorities... and when everything else contradicts words, I tend to trust that everything else instead of the words.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I was watching PBS with some of my nieces and one of my nephews today.

A show called Fetch! was on. It's in game-show-esque format -- hosted by a cartoon dog, Ruff Ruffman -- and a rather typical educational programming cartoon.

You know, run of the mill, "Let's learn about insects and Pow-Wows!" type show.

And then it got to the Bone-Us Round.

Now, I know the dirty slang is lost on the kids -- and I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with it... but I do find it quite humorous.

Monday, January 26, 2009

And Found Me It Did

You know how I was just posting that I needed $30-$40K to get started with my ballroom program...

Well, due to a miraculous turn of events today, there's a good chance I won't need such after all. It's looking very promising that I will have access to a studio sufficient for my needs starting out.

This is all happening so fast and beautifully, I almost wonder if I'm dreaming.

My $30-$40K estimate of need has drastically dwindled to a $2,000 estimate of would really be helpful ('cause if I can get it before January 31st, I can save about $600 on some stuff I'll be purchasing for my ballroom program once I can afford it).

2009 is starting off well, forgetting that stint where I thought the LDS Church might actually value me as a member (I'm really happy, though, that my recent experience with the Church didn't speckle me with bitterness and hatred... I'm growing up!)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

It's Decided

I have decided that I am going to be a Ballroom instructor for the youth (pre-teen - 18).

I will raise up a killer Ballroom program where I'll have my own formation teams and we'll travel the country -- and maybe internationally, if the stars align financially -- to compete.

That is my chosen profession.

I'll probably moonlight as a computer programmer as well. Okay, not probably, it's certain.

I've already started. I have about 7 or 8 couples whom I will start preparing for BYU's upcoming Dance Sport. I'm excited. They're excited.

And I feel at home.

This is very important to me. Feeling like I belong.

Money has no value to me. Now that I'm a happy, optimistic person, material things have no value to me -- I once used them as distractions when I thought life was a tar pit of despair and suffering.

A sense of belonging is everything to me.

Ballroom and I, we belong together.

Teaching and I, we belong together.

Learning and I, we belong together.

So, I'm looking to get my own studio. My ballroom partner teaches ballet, so the studio would provide the facilities for ballet, ballroom, and tap lessons.

In fact, my ballroom partner has enough classes of ballet to secure the ability to fulfill the cost of leasing a studio -- she's renting from another studio right now (too small, floor is NOT appropriate for dancing -- which is the case with all dance studios in Tooele).

All that is needed is the initial cost of putting together a dance studio. I am hoping for a dance floorspace of about 30'x50'. I am estimating a start-up cost of $30,000 - $40,000. As I said in my last post, proper dance flooring and mirrors are costly. The great thing about it, though, is that the expensive things come with me if I ever need to move to a bigger studio (which I'll definitely be shooting for).

Where I'm going to come up with $30,000 - $40,000 eludes me at the moment, but I'm actually feeling quite confident about it.

This is definitely the most solid business idea I've ever had -- especially since the ability to pay the cost of leasing the real estate is secure even without my Ballroom & Tap classes.

I have 13 initial courses planned, and the number of courses will increase to 21 (not to mention the two or three formation teams) when the talent base in Tooele increases. And the number of classes of each course will, of course, depend on the interest here in Tooele -- which is growing quickly, especially in competition, and I will be the only studio to teach Ballroom (let alone competition-quality Ballroom).

It is officially my dream.

To be honest, I've never really had a dream. I've always had dreams, ideas that I would love to accomplish but about which I didn't have complete confidence or dedication. I would always have other dreams, other possibilities floating around my head at the same time.

This dream, however, is different. Compared to my other dreams, it is MarieBelle New York chocolates* to a Hershey's bar. Including my dream to perform on Broadway.

All the other dreams, it felt like I had to somehow weasel my way into them. I had to figure out how to fit.

This dream... it already feels like it fits.

In fact, it found me.

And now it's my move, raising $30,000 - $40,000.

*Okay, so I haven't actually had any MarieBelle chocolates, but damn they look absolutely delicious (and the packaging is very much my style).

A Touch of Honey

I need a rich sugar daddy.

At least long enough to get a dance studio started.

Dance floors & mirrors are expensive.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


In my last post, Forked, Scott commented the following:
So the question really becomes "how likely is it that my local leaders will come to the conclusion that I will make a good missionary?".
I think this is precisely the question.

Well, almost precisely. It goes deeper than local leaders. See, I have been in personal contact with a General Authority over the past three years. I told him of my desire to serve a mission, and he expressed doubt.

To be honest, I thought he would be on my side.

Unfortunately, none of my leaders believe in me. I doubt they will ever believe I'd make a good missionary.

... and you know what happens when you don't believe in fairies...

(Please don't take this as me being cynical; I'm just being honest.)

The only way I could get them to believe that I would make a good missionary would be to deny that I am attracted to men -- or say that my attractions are waning (i.e. give them evidence that homosexuality goes away).

That is, the only way I could get them to believe that I would make a good missionary would be to lie.

And then I wouldn't feel like I would make a good missionary.

To be completely honest, I fear I am defeated on the issue.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


I am still trying to decide what to do about a mission.

Do I keep pursuing or do I roll over in defeat?

Should I even be considering it? I mean, I do not hold the average Mormon belief that whatever the general authorities say, God says.

Don't get me wrong. I have a testimony that they have the authority to speak for God. I have a testimony that God will not lead them astray.

That being said, I do not have a testimony that they always are using that authority when they speak to us -- even with any accompanying "thus sayeth the Lord."

I do not have a testimony that God will force them to obey His will when they are not using that authority; therefore, while God will not lead them astray, it is possible that they can lead themselves astray.

Inasmuch as I am human, they are human.

Some may say this puts them in a negative light. I disagree. This puts them in an honest light. It takes off of them the mantle of godhood and puts on them the proper mantle of prophet.

This is not a negative critique. This does not justify distrust or disrespect.

The LDS Church is all about order. "God is a God of order" is heard -- at least by my ears -- day in and day out.

The order of things, as I see it goes as follows:
  1. Leader receives revelations.
  2. Leader confirms revelation with God.
  3. Leader preaches revelation to those under leader's authority.
  4. Those under leader's authority confirm revelation with God.
  5. Revelation is implemented.
Why do I believe in this order?
  1. The Lord and God, Jesus Christ, remains the One and only Master.
  2. Reliance is upon your own testimony and personal relationship with God -- the only way you can really build it up.
  3. Testimonies of the leaders serve as training wheels as you learn to trust your relationship with God.
  4. Leaders of the Church are given appropriate power and are held to the responsibility of receiving revelation. (That is, if they know each member is going to confirm each of their words with the Holy Spirit, then they will be extra sure what they are saying is truly from God's mouth or their own.)
Again, I'm not saying that this should be in the spirit of distrusting the leaders, but in the spirit of everyone seeking to simply hear and follow the word of Christ on a personal level.

Because the Church is all about independence as well. After all, the LDS definition of exaltation -- as I see it anyway -- is a state where one is able to make, independently, the same decision God would make.

It is often said that this life is a test. I see it a little bit differently. Well, I see testing, in general, a little bit differently than the bureaucratic world of today.

As a teacher, when I give a test, it's not to determine what grade to give the student -- but what I need to further teach the student.

I teach the material to my students. I observe them as they apply the material on their own -- with perhaps a little hinted guidance if absolutely necessary (never giving specific answers, only guidance). I then evaluate what the students are capable of doing on their own and with what the students struggled.

I then repeat the process, first going over again the misunderstood material and then continuing on with more advanced concepts.

When it's time to move on to the next grade, then I evaluate who is able to move on to learn more advanced principles and who should stay back to relearn what was already taught.

When we lived with Christ before this world was, we were being instructed by Him personally. He was right there, in front of us, teaching. Now we are on our own, taking the test, receiving guidance from Him as we independently apply what we learned.

The great thing is -- and I think many Mormons forget this -- this isn't the final exam, nor are we graded on anything except effort (the states of our hearts).

When Christ returns, those whose hearts are pure, those who are sincerely seeking a good life will live the next 1,000 (or so*) years with Christ as He goes over those principles with which we struggled in this mortal life.

I sincerely believe these thousand or so years will be populated with not just Mormons and not even just Christians, but all those who are sincerely seeking out goodness. Only those goofing off in this life, not caring about goodness, will spend this time in a detention of sorts.

Then, after that thousand years of further instruction on how to become spiritually independent beings, we will receive our grades. And I personally believe it's less that we receive grades, and more that we go where we are most capable, depending on how spiritually independent we are.


We simply need to be learning how to act independently, relying solely on the Lord -- for He will continue to be our Master even after this life.

The leaders should be training us to become spiritually independent.

Doing whatever they say without first going to the Lord destroys this purpose.

I repeat:

Doing whatever they say without first going to the Lord destroys this purpose.

That would be like taking the test and writing down every answer you could see on your neighbor's paper. After all, THEY ARE TAKING THE TEST WITH US.

Nevertheless, it is a completely open book, open neighbor, open T.A. test. It is our goal, however, to not need our neighbors or T.A.s.

And it is our duty to carefully ponder each answer before we apply it. If we just write down the same answers as our neighbors or T.A.s, then we're really not the ones taking the test.

Sure, if we do this, we may get a great grade in the end (though that's not even guaranteed), but we wouldn't be able to apply the concepts in our own lives. We would only be able to apply the concept of obedience. But that would mean we would need someone by our sides, 24-7, telling us what to do next.

Sure, God could do that, but then He couldn't dance, Himself.

That's right, I'm going to throw in a dance analogy.

In the life before this world, we were learning the dance steps. Here, in this life, we are practicing the steps -- even though we really don't remember them.

Those of you who have taken dance classes can probably relate to this. After learning a new step (let's say an advanced step, here), the first time you try it on your own, it feels as though you're completely in the dark, almost as if you didn't learn it at all. It's pretty much just a vague memory.

Once you get the step figured out so you can do it on your own, you can then go out and dance without the teacher or teacher's assistant standing by you counting out the timing, feet positions, footwork, etc.

We're not focused too much on technique right now in this life, just getting the steps right. If you can move on to technique, fabulous, you'll be even more prepared for when Christ comes, when we will focus more primarily on technique.

But those who will move on to the "Ballroom" where God dances will be those who not only know the dance independently but can even add their own individual flare into the steps (without worrying about compromising technique).

It won't matter how masterfully you can complete the steps according to what you hear being shouted from the teacher or teacher's assistant. If you can't dance on your own... well, to put it in a negative light, you'll be roadkill.

Those of you who have danced, say, the Waltz in a large group know how easily it is to be trampled if you or someone else doesn't know what's going on.

Sure, you may be able to remember a routine, hearing the what you were told in the back of your head, but you won't be able to the string steps together in your own way.

You won't be an advanced dancer. You won't really know what to do when someone is in your way, blocking the next step in the outlined routine.

... anyway, I'm sort of rambling on here.

My main point is that I don't see things as most Mormons do... and because of such, maybe I shouldn't serve a mission. I wouldn't be teaching what the leaders of the Church want me to teach.

I would teach and preach spiritual independence.

*I doubt lengths of time are truly specific.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


I woke up this morning to my mother throwing my door open and screaming*.

In my sleep-drunk state, I was beyond disoriented and had no clue what was happening. I thought Nazis were invading or something.

I remember saying something like "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on? Calm down, what's happening?"

She and my dad got their mission call today.

Belgium/Netherlands mission.

My parents couldn't be more thrilled. They leave in June and will be gone for about two years.

In other news, I'm going to be a great uncle in less than 40 weeks. My oldest niece, who just celebrated her 20th birthday yesterday, is pregnant.

She and her husband may live with me in my parents' house while my parents are on their mission.

My oldest nephew gets home from his mission in March. It'll be interesting to see how quickly he gets hitched.

I really need to figure out what to do with my life -- especially job-wise.

Working for myself would be ideal. I just wish I had the resources to get started.

I think what I would do is get my own dance studio to teach Ballroom -- like actual, get ready for competition Ballroom (I would get certified to teach). I would also rent out the studio for other dance instructors to teach when I'm not teaching Ballroom. Of course, I would be traveling the country to compete as well.

Furthermore, I would set up a room in the studio for a small office that I would use to develop some of my software ideas when I'm not dancing or teaching.

That way I wouldn't be focused on just one thing, and I could satisfy my teaching interests, my dancing interests, and computer programming interests.

This is ideal for me.

If only I knew how to get the money to start it up. Maybe I'll rob a bank.

*Apparently, she wasn't screaming nor did she throw my door open.


I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm somewhat teary-eyed with excitement over Disney's up and coming movie, Rapunzel.

Not only does it appear that they are going back to the good ol' classic fairy tale musical comedy, it's also starring Kristin Chenoweth.

Two of my loves wrapped up in one...

... tears...

Über. Gay. Tears.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Bishop pt III

I was supposed to meet with my Bishop again tonight.

I canceled -- mostly because I am coming down with some sort of viral infection. My throat is on fire, and I'm starting to feel nauseous.

However, I did cancel in part because of how I'm seen within the Church.

To put it bluntly, the leaders of the Church -- both local and general -- are not my allies. I don't know if I would go as far as to say they are my enemies; however, I would say that they see me, in a way, as theirs.

When I'm talking with Priesthood leaders, it feels as though I'm in an inquisition. The meetings are full of "Prove to me you are not a heretic" and completely void of "How can I be of service to you?"

They are brimming with "This is what you need" and lacking "What do you need?"

There is only, "You need to understand" and no "Help me understand where you're coming from."

There is no discussion.

I am talked (down) to.

I hate it.

Monday, January 19, 2009

More Rest, More Symbols

I woke up early this morning after an interesting dream. What made it truly interesting was the strong urge to write it down and employ a dream dictionary.

Ordinarily, I honestly don't think dreams hold any meaning, unless the dream specifically carries a sense of significance. This one did.

Ordinarily, I honestly don't think dreaming about [x] necessarily signifies [y]; however, since I was prompted, as it were, to seek out a dream dictionary, me-thinks the definitions thereof are significant. (I used Dream's Dream Dictionary -- the first one Google gave me).

Anyway, the dream took place in the Spring1 on an exceptionally bright2 and sunny3a day3b. I was alone4.

The beginning of my dream was seen through my point of view. It was understood that I was driving5 -- although there was really no car present5b -- north6, along a straight and narrow, paved7 road8. It was dawn9.

The road8 was covered with roadkill10 -- all skunks11 -- a few weeds12, and one or two potholes13. Of particular notice were the skunks'11 smell14, blood15, and guts16.

(As I side note: I quite thoroughly enjoy the smell of skunks. It brings me back to my childhood, growing up on a crop farm -- a farm owned by the LDS Church -- a time I've always wished I could go back to.)

As I kept driving5 and as dawn9 turned to morning17, there was less and less roadkill10. I came upon a badger18 sitting in the middle of the road8, eating the few remaining roadkill10 skunks11. The badger18 was remarkably silver19.

I tried to drive5 around the silver19 badger18, but it would walk in front of me and keep me from moving forward quickly. This went on for a short while before it slowly walked into a freshly plowed field20 -- followed by an amber21 wolf22 (the color felt very significant to me, and although I did not get a close look at the wolf22, something at the end of my dream makes me think that the amber21 signified the gem-stone instead of the color).

The wolf22 seemed very interested in the badger18. But when I passed the two, the wolf22 became interested in me. At first I felt afraid23, but as the wolf22 walked with me, there was a calmness24 about it all.

The dream then shifted to the amber21 wolf's22 point of view, seeing me now walking25 down the road which was now smooth (no potholes) and surrounded by trees and other beautiful plants and flowers26. Morning17 had turned to afternoon27. The sun3a was bright2, the air was even more Springy1. The setting was growing more and more countryside-esque28. There was field of corn29, the stalks were green30 and about 1.5 feet high.

Even though the road8 was still straight, there was a sense that I was wandering31. I was traveling west32 -- although there was no sense of turning from heading north6 to west32; that is, there was no bend in the road8, it remained straight as I transitioned from moving north6 to west32.

I came upon an old house33 surrounded by a remarkable fence34, and I felt it necessary to borrow a video game35 controller, an old NES controller because it had a cord36, and I felt I needed the cord36.

A donkey37 came by my side as I was picking up the controller and its cord36. The donkey37 grabbed the cord36 with its mouth38 and started walking away. It dragged the video game console35 with it. I struggled with the donkey37 for a while, trying to get the cord36 free from the the donkey's37 mouth38.

The tug-of-war39 went on for a few minutes before a camel40 came from the West32, walking east41.

I was immediately drawn to the camel40, letting go of the controller's cord36 and forgetting the donkey37 as I approached the eastward-ly41 heading camel40. It was an acorn-camel42,40 (not acorn-colored, but stereotypical squirrel's food acorn42 -- it was as much an acorn42 as it was a camel40, and it was fully a camel40; therefore it was also fully an acorn42 -- such I'm thinking is the same with the amber21 wolf22).

The camel40 was also understood to be Christ43. It was smiling44, and it was understood that I needed to return the console35 dragged by the donkey37 to the old house33. There was some dialogue as I talked to the camel40. I don't remember too well what I said... something similar to "They'll be needing this back; I don't need it, don't you think?"

I woke up (again, feeling a sense of significance and an urge to write the dream down and seek out a dream dictionary) as I was walking to the East41, first unplugging36.1 the cord36 from the console35 so I could return the console35 to the old house33 (the cord36 remained in the donkey's37 mouth38), then to continue walking25 (no longer with the sense of wandering31) east41 with the acorn-Christ-camel42,43,40. The trees along the side of the road26 were remarkably green and lush45, and there was a great sense of peace46.


Before I go into what I think about the dream, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Significant? Prophetic? Meaningless?

I will say, though, that even if you don't believe in the significance of dreams, you have to admit it's rather interesting how congruently the definitions work together within the framework and progression of the dream. Especially since the only time I've before used a dream dictionary it was I think 2002 and the words I had looked up were food, kitchen, and people related.


i To see animals in your dream, represents your own physical characteristic, primitive desires, and sexual nature, depending on the qualities of the particular animal. Animals symbolizes the untamed and uncivilized aspects of yourself. Thus, to dream that you are fighting with an animal signifies a hidden part of yourself that you are trying to reject and push back into your subconscious. Refer to the specific animal in your dream.

1 To dream of the season of spring, signifies new beginnings and creative endeavors. It is also a symbol for warmth, virility and fruitfulness.

2 To dream that something is bright, represents divinity, a higher consciousness, and spirituality. You need to honor an admirable person or situation. The dream may also be a metaphor for intellect and someone who is smart. If your dream is particularly bright and vivid, then it could indicate a prophetic or epic dream.

3a To see the sun in your dream, symbolizes peace of mind, enlightenment, tranquility, fortune, goodwill, and insight. It also represents radiant energy and divine power. It is a good omen to have the sun shining in your dream. The sun may also be a metaphor for your "son".

3bTo dream of a sunny day, symbolizes clarity and/or pleasantness. You are seeing things clearly.

4 To dream that you are alone, indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understand you.

5a To dream that you are driving a vehicle, signifies your life's journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life.

5b Alternatively, driving a car in your dream, is analogous to your sex life and sexual performance. Consider how you are driving and what kind of car you are driving and how it relates to your waking sex life.

6 To dream of the direction north, symbolizes reality. It also indicates that you are making progress and moving forward in life.

7 To see or walk on pavement in your dream, suggests that you have a clear understanding and grasp of a situation. You are standing on solid ground. The dream may also indicate that you have paved and laid out the path toward your life goals.

8 To see a road in your dream, indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going according as planned.

9 To see the dawn in your dream, signifies rejuvenation, enlightenment, and vitality. You may be emerging out of a new stage in life, possess a new understanding, or have a new start in life.

10 To see roadkill in your dream, represents unavoidable death. The death may be a symbolic death representing an end to a habit, behavior or idea. It is time to let go of old habits and put those ideas to rest, as you are only prolonging the inevitable. Alternatively, it suggests that there is some issue in your past that is hindering your pursuit of your goals.

11 To see a skunk in your dream, suggests that you may be driving people away or turning people off. Alternatively, it indicates that all is calm about a certain situation but you do not necessarily like it or agree with it.

12 To see weeds in your dream, signifies that you may have to get rid of some old ideas or negative thoughts in your mind. You may feel neglected, overshadowed or cast to the side. Weeds can also represent friendships or relationships that have gone awry.

13 To see potholes in your dream, represents difficulties and setbacks in achieving your goals. You may need to make some changes in how you approach your goals. The dream may also indicate that things are not going smoothly for you in some aspect or situation in your waking life.

14 To smell something in your dream, indicates your past experiences and feelings with that particular smell. Your dream is trying to convey a feeling by associating it with a familiar smell or scent. Alternatively, the scent may be part of your real environment which you have incorporated into your dream.

15 To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments.

16 To see guts in your dream, represents fortitude, strength, and stamina. Consider the common phrase "you have a lot of guts."

17 To dream that it is morning, denotes that fortune and pleasure are within near reach. It may also denotes new beginnings, renewal, an awakening or starting over. the dream may also be a pun on "mourning".

18 To see a badger in your dream, signifies your persistence and final victory over your opponents. The dream may also be a pun on badgering and aggravating others.

see also i

19 Silver represents justice and purity. It is symbolic of some protective energy.

20 To see freshly plowed fields in your dream, signifies growth, early rise to wealth and fortunate advancements to places of honor.

21 To see amber in your dream, symbolizes the sun and positive energy. Amber is said to have natural healing power. Some believe that the amber can heal sore eyes, sprained limbs or arthritis. Thus the amber in your dream could mean you need to be healed in some way.

Alternatively, to see amber in your dream, represents resurrection. It could mean a situation or relationship in your waking life that was once lively, is now non-existent. You feel trapped or that you feel your life is too rigid and inflexible. You need to change your outdated way of thinking and old ideas. Or it could mean something in your past, will prove to be extremely important to your future.

22 To see a wolf in your dream, symbolizes beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. It is also a symbol of survival. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social situations and can blend in with any situation with ease and grace. You are a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility and aggression. It may reflect an uncontrollable force or situation in your life.

see also i

23 To dream that you are scared, indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence in your waking life. You may be feeling a lack of control. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life.

24 To dream that you are calm, denotes a fulfilling life. You will find contentment and satisfaction in what you have.

25 To dream that you are walking with ease, represents the way you are moving through life and progress toward your goals. Consider your destination.

26 To see a smooth road bordered by green trees and flowers, denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder.

27 To dream of the afternoon time, suggest that it is time to put your energies to good use. Draw and learn from your past experiences and lessons. Alternatively, it symbolizes clarity to a situation.

28 To dream of the countryside, suggests that you are seeking a simpler way of life. You need to take some time for yourself to relax and free your mind. Alternatively, it indicates a sense of freedom and/or openness that is lacking in your daily life.

29 To see corn in your dream, signifies abundance, growth and fertility. Also consider the pun that something is "corny".

30 To see green fields in your dream, symbolizes great abundance, freedom, and happiness. You may also be going through a period of personal growth. Alternatively, this dream may simply be an expression for your love of nature.

31 To dream that you are wandering, suggests that you are searching and looking for some direction in your life. You are lacking motivation. Alternatively, it represents a transformation.

32 To dream of going west, represents fulfillment, opportunities, and growth. Alternatively, it may symbolize an ending of something, death, or old age.

33 To see an old, run-down house in your dream, represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings. Alternatively, the old house may symbolize your need to update you mode of thinking.

34 To see a fence in your dream, signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in some situation or confined in some relationship? Alternatively, it may symbolize a need for privacy. You may want to shut off the rest of the world.

35 To dream that you are playing a video game, represents your ability to manipulate others into doing what you want them to do. Alternatively, it suggests that you are trying to escape and not confront the stress and problems in your real life. Consider the type of video game for additional insights. To see or dream that you are a character in a video game, suggests that you are feeling controlled and manipulated by others. You feel that you have no control over your actions or are not taking responsibility for them.

36 To see cords in your dream, symbolizes a lack in independence in a situation or relationship. You are feeling restricted or tied down.

36.1If the cord is being cut, then it indicates that you are breaking those relationships that have held you back.

37 To see a donkey in your dream, represents your stubbornness and unyielding personality. You are unwilling to cooperate with others. The donkey also symbolize menial work. You may be feeling overburdened or stressed.

see also i

38 To see a mouth in your dream, signifies your need to express yourself or talk about an issue that's bothering you. On the other hand, perhaps you have said too much and you need to keep your mouth shut.

39 To dream that you are playing tug of war, suggests that you need to balance various aspects of your personality. You need to learn to compromise.

40 To see a camel in your dream, denotes that you need to be more conservative; you are carrying too many problems on your shoulders. You tend to hold on and cling on to your emotions instead of expressing and releasing them. You need to learn to forgive and forget. Alternatively, it represents you[r] potential for handling big problems, responsibilities, and burdens.

see also i

41 To dream that you are headed east, represents inner wisdom, rejuvenation, and spiritual enlightenment. You need to devote or dedicate yourself to your goals, family, career, etc. The direction east also symbolizes the sun. Since east is related to the direction right, it can suggest that you are headed in the right direction.

42 To see acorns in your dream, symbolizes strength and durability. Seemingly small beginnings will have the greatest potential for growth. Don't underestimate your minor goals. You are about to enter a new phase in your life.

43 To see Christ in your dream, represents perfection of the self and spiritual truth. You need to achieve self-fulfillment through love. This symbol has many personal associations for you, depending on your belief.

44 To dream that you or others are smiling, signifies that you are pleased with your achievements and approve of the decisions you have made. You will be rewarded for the good things you've done for others. Alternatively, you may be seeking for something or someone that will make you happy.

45 To see lush green trees in your dream, symbolizes new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.

46 To dream of peace and tranquility, indicates an end or a resolution to an emotional issue or inner conflict. It may signal and end of a cycle and the pause before the beginning of a new endeavor. It also suggest that you have reached a new level of stability and calmness.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sleep-wise Symbolic

I had a dream a couple of nights ago. [Him] and I were married.

Here I am in a state of physical unrest because of my inability to sleep. I finally get some rest, and what does that rest bring but a dream of being married to a guy.


Here I am in a state of spiritual unrest because of the Church...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Sex in the Cupboard

Lisa commented the following on my post, Sex in the Closet:
Your willingness to serve and to restrain when possible from things should speak volumes to your bishop.
Here's the problem: I still use the word "gay." If I were to simply say, "I am no longer gay," I would be welcomed with open arms and thrown out the window to serve a mission.

It doesn't matter the status of my heart or my testimony of God and the Church. It doesn't matter how chaste I am or how strictly I abide the rules of the Church, I will never be equal to my heterosexual counterpart in the eyes of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.



I'm just being honest.

So, why the hell am I here, sitting within the walls of the LDS Church?

Right now, I am feeling dark.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling bitter about what is being said or anything like that.

Frustrated, yes. Disheartened, yes. But not bitter or angry.

I'm just feeling dark, and I haven't felt this way since... well, truth be told, since I was last sitting within the walls of the LDS Church.

It is a horrible, familiar feeling. A demon that sat on my shoulder most of my life. A demon that left when I walked away from the Church for a season. A demon that returned in my Bishop's office last Wednesday.

A demon that I had forgotten.

When I told my mom that I wanted to serve a mission, I said, "Didn't see that one coming, did you?"

Her response: "Well, you've had such a great countenance lately..."

Ironic, isn't it? At least to the Mormon's ardent belief that the Church is where the greatest countenance root. Here I am, within the walls of the Church, and my countenance is dropping. I can feel it.

My heart has shivers of coldness.

My spirit feels heavy and shackled.

My mind feels cloudy and indifferenced.

This is not the life I found outside of the LDS Church.

What the hell am I doing here?

... there will be much soul-searching to do these next few weeks...

Friday, January 16, 2009


I wonder what the prodigal son's father would have said if the son asked to watch over his father's flock for a season.

Sex in the Closet

Warning: This post does contain some sexual material... sort of...

There is another issue that could keep me from serving a mission. A health issue. A health issue that isn't an issue if I take care of it. And it's actually the taking care of it part that's an issue.

I'll start with the non-issue part: my sinuses. If they don't drain properly, I get infections. Nasty infections that have been known to make my doctors gasp. I'm learning, however, that if I notice a lack of drainage in time to take care of it, I can avoid infection.

Now onto the related issue: about three years ago, I was diagnosed with Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome -- also known as Chronic Prostatitis. Although not much is known about specifics, the theory I was told is that it's the same idea behind my sinus infections. If my prostate doesn't drain properly, infection amasses in the stagnant semen, and pain ensues.

Nasty pain. Pain intense enough to trigger vomiting.

The urologist said I could either live with the infections, taking strong antibiotics when the infections didn't resolve themselves -- like crazy strong antibiotics 'cause it's difficult for antibiotics to penetrate into the prostate -- or simply keep my prostate drained.

I ended up telling my parents what the urologist had told me, and my pa said there was no way I could keep my prostate drained and remain a Mormon in good standing. So, I tried the former option -- I was doing the latter to keep it under control before.

The infection was horrible. This was during the time I was absolutely ashamed of being gay -- so much so that I would wake up at the beginning of a dream that would have led to emptying.

My prostate wasn't draining at all.

I wouldn't be surprised if the accompanying pain was similar to the pain of getting shot.

Not exaggerating -- at all.

This was when I started to think, "You know what, I doubt God is such an asshole that He would rather have me throwing up in pain and screwing up my body with caustic amounts of antibiotics than take a few minutes to clean the plumbing every once in a while... I'm going to take care of myself."

Anyway, during my recent interview, my Bishop asked if I masturbated -- apparently one must be masturbation-free for six months before one can serve a mission now. I told him, "For medical reasons, yes."

Of course, with anything sexual, the conservative Mormon holds a zero-tolerance stance.

There are times when taking dangerous drugs can be appropriate.

There are times when killing someone can be appropriate.

There is never a time when non-missionary position, married, heterosexual sexual conduct can be appropriate.


Granted, he didn't say a specific, "Nope, sorry." He is uncertain on this as well. Although, I'm not sure he even believes me.

Me, I had actually forgotten this would be an issue. Frankly, I don't think it should be, not if they allow those who take any long term prescriptions to serve.

Maybe I should get a doctor to write down, "Masturbate" on a prescription sheet for my records.

... or maybe I should get smart and realize that I'm not wanted within the LDS Church...

In other news:

I'm choreographing my first team Paso Doble and Samba.

The Paso Doble is being choreographed to the song, "La Fête des Foux" from the French musical, Notre Dame de Paris.

The Samba is being choreographed to the song, "Wherever We Go" by Newsboys.

I think I would enjoy doing this for a living.

We'll see if I'm any good.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Sex in the Silence

Warning: This post has absolutely nothing to do with sex.

Argh, sleep doesn't work anymore. It's broken.

I broke it by taking sleeping pills for three years.

And I need to cut my fingernails again. They're growing like crazy.

My legs are also achy.

I hope I'm not going through a growing spurt. I don't want to have to eat any more to maintain a healthy weight.

You know what really bothers me? When people say I'm skinny/underweight.

My BMI is 21.5. Normal BMI is 18.5-24.9. I'm pretty much right in the middle.

I am only 5 pounds under my ideal weight for my height. Granted, those five pounds are missing mostly from my chest and arms, perhaps the most noticeable places.

I could go for something made with sponge cake.

Or even a chocolate soufflé.

Oh, good, I'm starting to feel sleepy.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Bishop pt II

Well, to sum things up, my Bishop is unsure.

The first thing he asked me was whether or not I supported Proposition 8.

The next thing he asked was whether or not I identify as gay.

Of course, I was honest -- which is why he's unsure.

He's going to talk to the Stake President and then meet with me again next week.

I was sort of expecting such, though, hoping for the same reaction my dad gave me. Granted, my dad didn't ask those two questions.

American Dad

I've been watching a lot of American Dad lately.

It makes me laugh.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


So, tomorrow I go in to talk to my Bishop about serving a mission.

To be honest, I'm sort of disappointed I don't have any filthy sins to confess.

However, there is one thing that I guess could possibly prevent me from going: I still fully support gay marriage. 100%.

I also will not go back into the closet for my mission. I am gay. I will use the word "gay" to describe me.

In fact, in sharing my testimony, my experiences as a gay young man will probably pop up rather often.

This may not be acceptable.

But if the Church doesn't want a gay to serve a mission, then the Church doesn't want me to serve, and I'll respect that and go where the next gust of wind takes me.

Either way, it should be an interesting ride, eh?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Patty Cakes

Cléopâtre: la Dernière Reine d'Egypte

Une nouvelle comédie musicale.

Un jour, elle sortira en dvd et elle sera à moi.

... sinon, je mourrai de chagrin...


This is no mere toothache. My tooth has been possessed by a demon who is slowly drinking my soul, cubic millimeter by cubic millimeter.

Soon, all will be lost, and I will be a mindless zombie... for the tooth fairy.


Sunday, January 11, 2009


I have an ouch-y tooth. Very ouch-y.

I also have no insurance and $3 in my bank account.

La vie bohème can be painful sometimes.

In other news, I am meeting with my Bishop on Wednesday to discuss my mission.

Looking in the mirror the other day, I realized how appropriate a time it is for me to go now... I think I'm finally starting to be able to pass as a 19 year-old.

In other news, I need chapstick. My lips are dry.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


New episodes of Psych start airing this week... and I don't have cable.

Ah well.

Speaking of Psych, the starring actor, James Roday played opposite me in my most romantic dream yet. And by "romantic" I don't mean "wet." It was 100% innocent, took place in an airport, and ended with a kiss under a lamppost.

I hope you don't mind gay guys dreaming about you, James... I'm sure it happens often.

In other news, I need to cut my toenails.

I'm not a big fan of toenails.

In related news, I personally think my right foot looks more intelligent than my left foot.

Man, I wish I could fall asleep.

I wish I could find my Worms Armageddon CD. Ah well, I'll just download it... I hope it isn't riddled with viruses.

It's not stealing if I already own a copy but can't find it, right? I know if I were to program a game, I wouldn't care if people who bought a copy but lost it downloaded it again.

Caramels. I want caramels. Well, maybe not. I'm kind of sugared out right now.

Maybe pancakes? Crêpes ?

I'm having one of those cravings where I don't know what exactly I'm craving, but I know it's specific.

It's not cheese and bread -- although I could always go for some cheese and bread.


It's curry.

I should steal my sister's Indian recipe book and try my hand at making curry... and, while I'm at it, I could watch Psych!

Oh, wait, I'm dancing on Friday.

No offense, Psych, but dancing wins.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Second Coming [Out]

You should have seen my parents' faces when I told them I'm going on a mission.


Double Take.

Did you read that right?

Did I write that right?

... mission... yep, I believe I did.

I'm going on a mission. Of the LDS variety.


Yeah, me too. In fact, I doubt you could be more surprised than I am right now. Seriously, I'm sitting here laughing in shock. I did not see this coming.

My parents are less surprised. Damn parents, always on to me. But they're brimming with smiles. (They just put in their papers for a mission and are awaiting their call.)

It all feels like an episode of the Twilight Zone to me, though. What the hell is going on?

I said I've been taking things a day at a time, simply focusing on listening to the Spirit and going where I feel compelled to go. Right now, I'm being compelled to serve an LDS mission, so that's where I'm heading.

I even let it brew for a few days, trying to talk myself out of it. (Nobody put these thoughts into my head, p.s., it's all my crazy self's doing.) But, hélas, here I am. It's a done deal in my heart. Which was never the case for me, mission-wise.

I always had an excuse. My health (now solid). My agony (now vanquished). My hatred for the Church (now resolved).

I've run out of excuses.

Where does this leave me, you may wonder, re being gay? Truth is, I have no clue.

Again, I'm taking things a day at a time.

à chaque jour suffit sa peine

I've given all of tomorrow's worries up to the Lord. Wherever He would have me go, I'll go. I have my thoughts. I have my hopes. But I'm going where I feel the Lord takes me. One step at a time. He holds the reigns, and I'm focused on feeling His tugs whilst trudging through the mud of today (and, you know, today's mud is feeling less and less... well... muddy).

In all honesty, though, there are things about the Church that I really don't like. Nevertheless, all these things, the things I see as arbitrary/foolish/ludicrous/horrible/etc. nimbly roll of my back as I look at the bigger picture of the Gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

And regarding this bigger picture, my testimony is strong. It has not only survived the desire to abandon it completely but has also come through more tempered and shiny than before. And I want to go out and share my reborn/renewed testimony with the world--or, at least, a little corner thereof.

Call me crazy (I know some of you will.) Truth is, I am.

Completely crazy.

But, you know....

It's working for me.

Monday, January 5, 2009


I just looked at the clock. It's 9:11.

I have to be honest. September 11th didn't really upset me. I think it's tragic people died in such a way, don't get me wrong, but it didn't make me worry more about my security/safety.

Granted, I don't fear death. I don't hope for it anymore, but I definitely do not fear it.

I've never understood the fear of death. I understand if it's a fear of a painful death. I would rather avoid pain if I could... although, I'm losing my fear of pain, too.

I have been oddly at peace with almost everything.

It really is odd.

It's probably because my brain is fried.

By aliens... or my fourteen year stint of heavy antidepressants.

Probably the latter; although, I haven't ruled out the former.

Damn aliens.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

On Being Me

... you know, it makes no sense being me...


... and, you know...

it works for me.

By Your Side

A few days ago, I was driving around, listening to KLOVE. Tenth Avenue North's song, "By Your Side" started to play, and it really summed up perfectly the message I felt I was getting from God.

I rarely listen to music posted on blogs, myself... but in case you're different:

Saturday, January 3, 2009


If the ominous music weren't enough, the voices shouting, "NO! There's someone in the back seat!!" should have tipped him off.

Nevertheless, he started driving away.

Perhaps he was def...

It doesn't matter now, though. He's dead.

And he'll die again at 10:45 tomorrow night.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Quick Note Before Bed

I just got back from 5 hours of dancing Paso Doble, Rumba, and some Samba... and I feel GREAT!

I am so excited about my new partner, I can't even say.

And, might I add, my [involuntary] two year break from dancing didn't seem to affect me much at all... in fact, after my memory was jogged, my technique is even better than before!

I meet the teenage team on Wednesday and start co-teaching a class of adults next Friday.

This. Is. Heaven.

I am so in love with Ballroom.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

The Sixteen

She sat next to me and smiled, "That dance step keeps going through my head."

"It's a lot of fun, huh?" I smiled back.

She giggled.

It was perhaps my favorite moment of New Year's Eve... and that's really saying a lot as it was probably my favorite New Year's Eve I've ever had.

'She' is one of my nieces (11 years old), and last Sunday I taught her the Paso Doble step, the Sixteen.

I love that it interested her. I love that she enjoyed it. I love that she cherished it.

I love that I cherished it without any resentment.

Before last year, being around my siblings' families really augmented my depression. I was beyond bitter that my siblings were allowed the most precious thing in the world to me -- a family -- while I was forced to believe that such "simply" wasn't for me in this life.

And while I loved being "Uncle Andrew!!" it hurt... a lot. All the memories I made with my nieces and nephews only dug a horribly dark hole labeled, "Things you'll never be able to do with your own kids."

Then last year happened -- well, it was actually more something that happened at the end of 2007, but anyway -- I dug out that black hole, slapped on a bright coat of paint, and relabeled it, "Things I hope to do with my kids someday."

Now every tickle, every inside joke, every dance step, every kung fu faux fight, every card game, every story, every magic trick, every hug, every kiss, every etc. is not spoiled by what I "can't" have with my own children.

I can finally cherish these memories without any sort of resentment. I can finally cherish what I do have.

And it is fantastic.


2009 started out with a laugh... which is a dang good way to start a new year, if I do say so myself.

It gets my recommendation.

Thanks, Sarah & Scott (and all those who were there); I'm really glad I came.

I'm also glad I had that half-hour drive back chez moi... you see, during such, I realized my dirty little secret of 2008:

I am still officially a member of the LDS Church. By choice -- I never sent in my letter of resignation.

I had it printed out. I had it enveloped. I had it addressed. I had it stamped, but as I started to move toward the dropbox to have it mailed... I paused, almost involuntarily.

I simply couldn't do it. So, I didn't, and I said I did. Why I said I did, I really don't know. Well, maybe I do. I was still trying to figure out why I didn't resign as intended -- because I honestly didn't know.

All year long I was trying to understand... even though the answer is rather simple... and yet not:

I still believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ as professed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I still believe that I am on the correct path in pursuing a husband with whom to raise children... and I sincerely believe that this possible future family of mine can be made eternal.

The latter deviates from the former as the former -- that which is professed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints -- professes that only heterosexual unions are eligible for the eternities.

Granted, I can easily translate the scriptures to show that this conclusion of exclusive coupling for heterosexuals is not the inference of God's words and that homosexual coupling can easily fall within the boundaries of the New and Everlasting Covenant.

It really isn't that difficult to do.

However, such still stands as my translation, and I fully recognize that I am prone to self-prejudice. I could simply be twisting unawares the word of God to fulfill what I believe is right or to justify what I want to be right. I am not a fool nor am I fogged up in a cloud of vanity and pride. I know where I stand.

However II, there are happenings and experiences in my life which I cannot deny. A few are too sacred in my eyes to share on a public blog, though I may share with those whom I know would hold such as sacred -- if the timing were appropriate. Some are too sacred in my eyes to share with anyone. They are between the Lord and me and meant for none other... save for the current promptings I have to admit their existence.

These sacred experiences have shaped a firm testimony in my heart of both the Gospel of the LDS Church and the belief of eternal homosexual coupling. I cannot deny one without denying the other, and I cannot deny either without denying God nor can I deny God without denying either.

Presently, I cannot deny God.

I mean, I know I'm crazy. I know I'm prone to weird experiences such as Night Terrors, Hallucinatory Sleep Paralysis, Lucid Dreaming, and the sort -- I've even had a few "out of body experiences."

But there is a stark difference between all of these loony experiences and the experiences I have had which I hold as sacred/spiritual. In fact, I view my craziness as a gift from God to help me in my unbelief.

That is, if I didn't have such a wide set of rather abnormal psychological experiences to compare to that which I believe are my spiritual experiences, then I would honestly assume some of my believed spiritual experiences were simply abnormal psychological experiences.

So, with all things considered, I cannot, at this moment, deny God. I cannot, therefore, deny the LDS Church's Gospel nor can I deny my beliefs about the nature of homosexuality.

That is to say, I cannot resign from the LDS Church, but I cannot refrain from following the path I feel is divinely appointed me, that which I was called to do, that which I will be blessed to do in this life according to the Lord's timetable.

It is quite the conundrum.

I honestly don't know how it's all going to pan or work out. But I have put the situation completely in God's hands. He holds the reigns, and I am completely at peace with this decision.

He is driving. Not I. Not my parents. Not His prophets. He and He alone. We others are merely inputers and counselors one unto another, according to our appropriate authorities.

But we all must ultimately submit to the will of the Lord whose ways are mysterious and perfect.

And I sincerely believe the path I am on is the one appointed unto me by the mysterious and perfect Lord.

In utter sincerity, I finally feel like I'm on the right path. I've often felt like I was heading in the right direction but never like I was on the right path yet.

It is a feeling of home, no matter where I physically stand. It is a feeling of peace, no matter how much chaos is pelting around me. It is a feeling of security, no matter how insecure anything in my life is. It is a feeling of certainty, no matter how much doubt puddles at the bottom of my shoes.

Ultimately, it is a feeling of love... no matter how physically alone I may feel some days.

I've never had any of this until now, and I praise God Almighty for it all. In His arms I find peace. In His wisdom I find clarity. In His mercy I find rest. In His all I find love, and in His love... I am whole.

... a laugh and a spiritual renewal... not a bad way to start a year, indeed...