Saturday, June 27, 2009


I am determined to get over [Him].

Wish me luck.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Years of Depression and My Teeth

Well, after almost a decade of severe depression, having had no desire to really take care of myself, my teeth are in not so good of shape... and by "not so good of shape" I mean $6K's worth.

Luckily, my dentist's son wants to learn Tap, so I'll be paying via trade for most of it. However, I'm back in debt a few thousand dollars because of my teeth.

To be completely honest, it's difficult not to want to sue the Mormon church to pay for all this. My years of wanting to kill myself, not being able to take care of myself, are directly its fault. My family's unwillingness to help me out financially is owed to the slander and libel spouted by the Mormon church. I wouldn't be out to get more than what I've had to pay as a result of being damaged and defamed by the Church.

Unfortunately, I probably don't have a legal case, even though this bill -- and several others -- justly belongs in the hands of the Mormon leaders.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Dear Utah,

Thank you for holding Spring this year. I am loving it.

Andrew Martin Pankratz

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Madonna on Gay Mormons

You know how Mamma Mia! is a musical written around several Abba songs? Well, I've an idea for a musical written around several of Madonna's songs (about being a gay Mormon, of course). Here is the skeletal concept (I've a lot more ideas, such as dialogue in between the songs, but I'm just sticking to the bare necessities to get my idea across) of the first act:


Scene I. Main Character (MAIN)'s Bedroom, early morning. MAIN is kneeling next to his bed, praying. Two groups of people are on stage, one representing the main character's gay side (GAYS), the other group representing the main character's Mormon side (MORMONS).

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

If I could melt your heart

Scene II. Transitioning from MAIN's bedroom to classroom. ENSEMBLE singing.

Scene III. BYU Classroom.

Hung Up (scene focusing on flirting between the boys and girls in class)

[Dialogue between MAIN and his girlfriend (GIRLFRIEND) over cell phone. gist: MAIN's friends (BRIDE & GROOM) are getting married at MAIN's hometown -- where GIRLFRIEND is. MAIN will fly in for the reception.]

Scene IV. ??. Girlfriend singing alone.

Scene V. Wedding Reception.

[MAIN is distant from GIRLFRIEND. MAIN meets HIM. Dialogue ensues. MAIN & HIM part. HIM, GAYS, and MORMONs sing (I'd post the lyrics to show who sings what, but I can't find any I can just copy and paste).]

[BRIDE & GROOM's song follows; song is made to be obviously applicable to HIM and MAIN; HIM and MAIN sing several lines (again, I would post how it would be, but I can't find any lyrics I can just copy and paste... I'm lazy, so sue me).]

Scene VI. Possibly Church Parking Lot, Outside Reception. Song sung by GIRLFRIEND to MAIN.

[Dialogue between MAIN and GIRLFRIEND. gist: "Probably best to see other people." Everyone starts heading home. Song sung by MAIN, GIRLFRIEND, and HIM.]

Scene VII. Scene is constantly changing between MAIN talking with Bishops/Stake Presidents, sitting in Sacrament meeting, hanging out with HIM, hanging out with GIRLFRIEND, etc. Scene ends in MAIN's bedroom. MAIN is singing.

Scene VIII. MAIN's bedroom. MAIN is, once again, kneeling by his bed, praying.

[ENSEMBLE sings. Staging has to indicate struggle with religion... not 100% sure what I want...]

[MAIN sings, bottle of pills in hand.]

[MAIN swallows all pills in bottle.]


All I have of Act II so far is the first song:

[MAIN awakens]

Sunday, June 7, 2009

"Luckily, I'm immune to such things."

My little brother went on a "it wasn't a date, we just hung out" yesterday. He didn't want anyone in the family to know. Some of my brothers enjoy teasing and constantly prodding to know if there have been more dates/what-not.

I laughingly told him, "Luckily, I'm immune to such things."

The thing is, I think it's quite the opposite of 'luckily.'

My little brother doesn't talk about the romantics of his life because he doesn't want to get teased.

I refrain from talking about the romantics of my life because I want to avoid contention.

You know what I would give just to sit down with my mom and talk about my lovesick heart right now?

... dieu que le monde est injuste...

Saturday, June 6, 2009


Say you are looking to buy a computer, the most state-of-art computer you can buy with a budget of $6,000, and say that you need this computer for whatever reason.

You go to two stores.

Both stores offer decent computers that would fit your budget, but for some reason, none of them really sit well with you or ideally fit your needs.

The first store does have a computer that you feel would be practically perfect... but it costs $10,000, and you would have to go into a rather undesirable debt in order to buy it. You're not sure if the debt would necessarily be worth it in the end, but the computer would be a dream come true and would make things much easier when it comes to your needs.

The second store offers you a deal. For your $6,000, they would promise you a computer that would surpass your greatest dreams (they have exclusive connections with the manufacturer); however, they don't have it yet, so you would have to use a loaner computer until they get it in (date of arrival unknown). The loaner computer doesn't really meet your expectations or needs in a computer.

What do you do?

Do you buy a $6,000 computer which may not be ideal and is barely sufficient, if at all?
Do you go into debt $4,000 to buy a dream computer which would make your work a lot easier?
Do you take the second store's offer?

Most importantly: Do you see what I'm getting at?

Friday, June 5, 2009


The thoughts pervading of the dying youth
And things of which they speak of light, of truth
Will form the shell of this, the inner man
I wrote the above after reading something written by Hugh Nibley. If I remember correctly, he mentioned how we go through several deaths throughout our lives, for example, the death of our youth as we grow into adulthood.

I'm experiencing a death in my life. I feel ... molted and my tissue sensitively new. Although there's a sense of newly found strength, there's still that feeling of mourning that tends to linger after a loss, even if it be old skin.

Once again, I'm looking at my newer self and realizing I have a lot more dying to do before I become the man chrysalised [sic] the most deeply within. Sometimes I can feel disheartened, frustrated that I can't fly yet.

I feel like I'm standing alone in the universe... but it's not a "lonely" aloneness. It's a "nobody can help you figure this out" aloneness.

The only thing is, I don't know what I'm supposed to figure out. There is a sense, perhaps, that there's something about me that I just don't know yet. Something significant to me.

I've felt this periodically throughout my life, and it's just now that I've realized it's always been during these times of death. And with this each time comes an overwhelming need to create. Perhaps, though, such is specifically the point. I'm newly born, so to speak, what else is there to do with a new life... but create.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Endless Night

These past few weeks have been rather low for me.

I think I'm experiencing a mild form of PTSD -- very mild, mind you -- with being in another show as a chorus member. I've been having old emotions that I used to hide, with the help acting's guises, back in high school. That fear of being gay that I buried deep, deep inside me back then is all gushing up.

Rehearsals have become almost unbearable as, afterward, I experience what I never wanted to experience as a teenager.

I'll be very much relieved when this show is over on the 27th.

In other news, I've been needing to get my teeth taken care of for quite a while... and by "quite a while" I mean about 5 years. I was a little worried how much it was going to cost, but fortune smiled upon me, and my dentist's son has been dying to learn tap, so we'll be trading services.

It's times like these that make me hesitant to dismiss the existence of a God who is watching over me. But, I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure where I sit with such a concept right now.

I want to believe. It's nice to think that there's a purpose in all this, that one day we will all finally get what we deserve. It's nice to think that there's someone up there, who knows everything, calling all the shots. But, sometimes, I wonder if it's all just a nice little story that helps us sleep at night and push on through the daily drudge.

Don't get me wrong, though. It's not that I don't believe. It's just that I'm unsure right now. I still pray. I still read scriptures. I still meditate and ponder. And I'm not just "going through the motions." It's all sincere and honest.

I guess time will tell...

Monday, June 1, 2009

Were the World Mine...

... neither gets nor doesn't get my recommendation.


I wish I had the budget and dedication to put together the show in my head. I'm not saying, "I could have done so much better than Were the World Mine" but simply that I would like to see my idea, a musical, come to fruition.

I've been working on the script every now and then, but without a composer (or a prospect thereof) on my side, I haven't had much motivation to go very far with it. I'm not the best at writing lyrics to songs. My poems tend to be compact and sometimes not the easiest to digest quickly.

Plus, I actually don't know how to end it. It's roughly based on my life, and the ending sort of depends on how things pan out with [Him]... which could take the rest of my life...

... actually... in writing that, I think I know how to end it.

Yes. It is perfectly my style (and probably how things with [Him] are going to pan out).

Anyway, I'm just talking to myself right now. I'm hungry, and I need to go eat. All I've had today was a peanut butter sandwich.