Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Heart to Heart

I had forgotten how much I 'heart' Genesis.

In fact, I had forgotten that the very first dance I ever choreographed was to 'No Son of Mine.' It was for one of my G.I. Joe action figures (I was ~10).

... and if I had seen that music video back then, I probably would have "really wanted to be friends" with the kid.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

She Does (Piano Version)

I went to the store with the intent to buy a bunch of junk food and gorge on sugar and chocolate.


I bought bread, milk, & berries.


When did I become this person?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Staring Down (Acoustic Version)

Earlier this month, Abe proposed that the September Blog Topic be "Masturbation."

My philosophy is the same for this topic as it is for all issues:

Be wary of anyone who would tell you what God expects of you. The only person who can truly know what God expects of you is you.

Be a person of integrity and sincerity, and you'll be able to trust yourself to be guided by your own conscience.

Those who tell you that you cannot fully trust yourself are those who don't fully trust you, themselves. I would hope that you would, therefore, wonder if this is the kind of support you should be seeking.

If I held their attitude as a dance instructor, none of my students would ever be able to dance freely, would be bound by the routines I derive for them. Truly, the only reason why I would ever want to do this would be for selfish (i.e. retaining students, making money, remaining in a higher standing than my students) or vain (i.e. I am privy to special knowledge that the students will be unable to discern without my explicit guidance, their personal style will never be as great as my style, they need my protection and guidance) reasons.

My goal as a teacher is to train students who can dance independent of my instruction, develop their own styles... to be guided by their own artistic conscience.

It is my philosophy that integrity trumps obedience. Indeed, seek out integrity and you will find the divine.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Hymn For My Father

My pa and I don't always see eye to eye.

He's an "obedience first" kind of guy.

I'm a "logic first" kind of guy.

However, all things considered, he is an exemplary guy, and I really would be fortunate to end up half the man he is.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


While I love dance, while I love programming, while I love French, while I love acting, while I love baking, while I love Math, and while I love a myriad of many other things, I think I would say my greatest passion is teaching.

And teaching my other passions ... it's been great thus-far.

I hope it sticks.

I do have a tendency to get tired of something after a few months, when things get to be more and more routine.

A few differences that hopefully will make *the* difference:
  1. I am my own boss;
  2. I have a fantastic business partner & team;
  3. I work during the evening hours;
  4. My schedule isn't the same each day;
  5. There is absolutely *no* work for the sake of work; and
  6. There's always something new to do/teach/learn.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Lighten Up

I had another anxiety-driven dream last night.

I think I really just need to get out and do something completely pointless, entertaining, and maybe a little crazy.

Bonus points to those who know what my next post title's going to be.

Friday, September 18, 2009

She Does

Someone told my friend that I'm not gay. She says I'm just confused because I'm a good dancer and artistic.

Thank goodness for third parties who have a solid understanding of who I am via a mere 10 minute conversation! She must be a genius.

I don't have to worry about all this angst & anxiety about my family anymore... phew!

Now that that's all cleared up, I can finally find me a wife!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Staring Down

I was walking, arm-in-arm, with my mother. We were going to church. I had a feeling like I shouldn't be going, but my mom wanted me to go, so I went with her.

As I sat down in the pew, I had to put my keys (I had a couple key-rings full) in my pocket. They jangled a little bit, and one of my older brothers shushed me.

me: Sorry, I had to put my keys in my pocket.

brother: I have keys, too, and they don't make any noise when I put them away.

me: Excuse me your majest... your holy majesty. I can' t put my keys away as quietly as you!

Then a friend of my little brother started to mimic me, but with a limp wrist. So I got all "So I'm gay, what's it to you!?" in his face... acting kind of like a gay hulk, all angry and bitchy and disrupting the entire service.

I hated how I was acting, so I just left; my mom followed me.

me: I'm sorry, Mom... I just -- I just can't go there anymore. It brings out the worst in me... please, don't expect that of me... please...

Then I was in the halls of a school. One of my old second graders was in the hall.

kid: Hey, I remember you! You're Mr. Pankratz!

me: [Kid]! How've you been?!

All of the sudden, the kid was underneath a lunch table, his lower body like shredded chicken, blood everywhere.

me: Wha ... ?!

some random girl: What happened?

me: I don't know.

As I looked at the girl, I could tell that she wanted to marry me, and I was wondering how I could make it work as I woke up.

Monday, September 14, 2009


While listening to Dr. Laura the other day, I had a thought about the "ideal parenting couple."

Those of you who are familiar with Dr. Laura know that she holds a very strong stance that a boy needs a male father to show the child how to become a man, a girl needs a female mother to show the child how to become a woman, and a child needs both a male father and female mother to show the child how one should interact with the opposite gender.

In other words, role models are essential to a child, and (according to those like Dr. Laura) such role modeling, ideally, should come from a child's parents.

Now, I would agree with the former statement, "role models are essential to a child."

However, if we stick to "role modeling, ideally, should come from a child's parents," we may run into a few problems -- gay children, for example.

If we stick to this 'ideal' that a child's role model should, ideally, be his/her parent, then all gay children should be removed from any straight parents and place in the homes of gay parents (even if we stick to the belief that a gay person should marry heterosexually -- a gay child, therefore, should be raised by a gay parent of the same gender heterosexually married to have the ideal role model).

Children in wheelchairs ideally should be raised by parents in wheelchairs.

Children with cancer ideally should be raised by parents with cancer.

Ah, but, we're talking about the most core characteristic of humanity: our gender... right?

How a young boy deals with cancer stems from said boy's identity as a male... right?

Get a young girl strong in her identity as a female, and she'll be able to handle anything... right?

... or would they still need a role model?

So, let's say that a role model is ideal for any given situation.

The question, therefore, is whether or not being a parent superlatively enhances the effectiveness of being a role model; therefore, making a parent the ideal role model. If so, and if we are, truly, fighting for the ideal situations for children, then should we not be fighting to pair up children with their ideal role models for each child's personal situation?

Or, perhaps, an ideal role model is merely one in the same situation as the child, be she a parent, he a neighbor, or they a community of those in the same situation?

Sunday, September 13, 2009

My Days

I am loving the weather right now.

Overcast and windy... just like some of the most memorable Sundays of my childhood.

My most memorable were rainy and/or filled with lightning storms.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Well, I am finally over [Him].

I am now without a crush; I'm also without a best friend (she got a boyfriend).

... if I weren't such a hermit, I would think that I'm lonely...

Ah, hell, I'm lonely, hermit or not.

Maybe I should get a pet skunk or something.

For tonight, though, America's Next Top Model and Glee! will have to do.

Monday, September 7, 2009


I've been thinking about making a "bucket list" -- completely unrelated to my current flair up of depression... but, maybe in relation to my current flair up of depression, I don't know if I can even think of 10 things I'd want to do before I die.

But I'll try to think of at least ten (no particular order):

1. Finish writing a non-short story.
2. Find a team to create one of my ideas for a computer game.
3. Fall in love.
4. Become a dad.
5. Gain at least 15 pounds.
6. Visit Europe.
7. Become fluent in French.
8. Develop & test my idea for learning a new language.
9. Learn how to swim.
10. Go camping.

11. Think of 89 more things that I want to do before I die.

Saturday, September 5, 2009


or "I can't shake it; I just can't shake it tonight."

Oh the joys of recurrent major depressive disorder. You think you're doing well for a few months, even a whole year, and BAM!, out of nowhere, you're back to the "where can I stand to best increase my chances of being obliterated by lightning?" thoughts.

Things are even looking fantastic for me. The academy I've been building up with my friend is looking nothing but promising, and working for myself has been infinitely better than any other job I've ever had. There's no work for the sake of work. I am in charge of what I create, and there is always something new to create in dance.

The more I've worked for other people, the more I've realized that I was going to have to find a way to be my own boss, and I think (I hope, I hope, I hope) I've finally landed that ideal situation for me. I really think our (my friend and my) business plan is solid, the biggest problem we're going to face, from the way things are going right now, is not being able to expand quickly enough. That is, we presently don't have the resources to build the facilities we would need to not only fully bring our vision to fruition but to also hold all the classes our students will be ready for just next year!

If there's a problem we have to face, I think this is the one of the best ones.

Again, the future looks very exciting for me...

... yet, it takes all of my energy just to get out of bed. I'm constantly tired, yet can't sleep; I can't concentrate on anything for very long. I feel naught but worthless... and I just want it all to end, to be done with. I don't care about the exciting future ahead of me; I don't want a frickin' future.

It's all quite non sequitur -- which is why I'm going to see a therapist. Things are still just in the moderate stage, and I want to avoid the severe stage like an STD.

Hopefully I'll be able to finally learn how to deal with this disorder... and, with all due respect to a certain religion... I think I have a better chance this time as I'm not worrying what a certain group of suited gentlemen would have me do.

Welcome All Again

I decided that I should probably go see a therapist again.

It's not even like anything's crappy in my life right now, either... I guess that's just the joys of recurrent major depressive disorder.

In other news, I'm going to be choreographing a Fosse-inspired piece ("Who's Got the Pain?") for a local high school's upcoming musical production of Damn Yankees.

I'm excited.