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I am still trying to decide what to do about a mission.

Do I keep pursuing or do I roll over in defeat?

Should I even be considering it? I mean, I do not hold the average Mormon belief that whatever the general authorities say, God says.

Don't get me wrong. I have a testimony that they have the authority to speak for God. I have a testimony that God will not lead them astray.

That being said, I do not have a testimony that they always are using that authority when they speak to us -- even with any accompanying "thus sayeth the Lord."

I do not have a testimony that God will force them to obey His will when they are not using that authority; therefore, while God will not lead them astray, it is possible that they can lead themselves astray.

Inasmuch as I am human, they are human.

Some may say this puts them in a negative light. I disagree. This puts them in an honest light. It takes off of them the mantle of godhood and puts on them the proper mantle of prophet.

This is not a negative critique. This does not justify distrust or disrespect.

The LDS Church is all about order. "God is a God of order" is heard -- at least by my ears -- day in and day out.

The order of things, as I see it goes as follows:

1. Leader receives revelations.
2. Leader confirms revelation with God.
3. Leader preaches revelation to those under leader's authority.
4. Those under leader's authority confirm revelation with God.
5. Revelation is implemented.

Why do I believe in this order?

1. The Lord and God, Jesus Christ, remains the One and only Master.
2. Reliance is upon your own testimony and personal relationship with God -- the only way you can really build it up.
3. Testimonies of the leaders serve as training wheels as you learn to trust your relationship with God.
4. Leaders of the Church are given appropriate power and are held to the responsibility of receiving revelation. (That is, if they know each member is going to confirm each of their words with the Holy Spirit, then they will be extra sure what they are saying is truly from God's mouth or their own.)

Again, I'm not saying that this should be in the spirit of distrusting the leaders, but in the spirit of everyone seeking to simply hear and follow the word of Christ on a personal level.

Because the Church is all about independence as well. After all, the LDS definition of exaltation -- as I see it anyway -- is a state where one is able to make, independently, the same decision God would make.

It is often said that this life is a test. I see it a little bit differently. Well, I see testing, in general, a little bit differently than the bureaucratic world of today.

As a teacher, when I give a test, it's not to determine what grade to give the student -- but what I need to further teach the student.

I teach the material to my students. I observe them as they apply the material on their own -- with perhaps a little hinted guidance if absolutely necessary (never giving specific answers, only guidance). I then evaluate what the students are capable of doing on their own and with what the students struggled.

I then repeat the process, first going over again the misunderstood material and then continuing on with more advanced concepts.

When it's time to move on to the next grade, then I evaluate who is able to move on to learn more advanced principles and who should stay back to relearn what was already taught.

When we lived with Christ before this world was, we were being instructed by Him personally. He was right there, in front of us, teaching. Now we are on our own, taking the test, receiving guidance from Him as we independently apply what we learned.

The great thing is -- and I think many Mormons forget this -- this isn't the final exam, nor are we graded on anything except effort (the states of our hearts).

When Christ returns, those whose hearts are pure, those who are sincerely seeking a good life will live the next 1,000 (or so*) years with Christ as He goes over those principles with which we struggled in this mortal life.

I sincerely believe these thousand or so years will be populated with not just Mormons and not even just Christians, but all those who are sincerely seeking out goodness. Only those goofing off in this life, not caring about goodness, will spend this time in a detention of sorts.

Then, after that thousand years of further instruction on how to become spiritually independent beings, we will receive our grades. And I personally believe it's less that we receive grades, and more that we go where we are most capable, depending on how spiritually independent we are.

Yes, that's right, WE DON'T HAVE TO GET IT PERFECT RIGHT NOW, IN THIS LIFE.

We simply need to be learning how to act independently, relying solely on the Lord -- for He will continue to be our Master even after this life.

The leaders should be training us to become spiritually independent.

Doing whatever they say without first going to the Lord destroys this purpose.

I repeat:

Doing whatever they say without first going to the Lord destroys this purpose.

That would be like taking the test and writing down every answer you could see on your neighbor's paper. After all, THEY ARE TAKING THE TEST WITH US.

Nevertheless, it is a completely open book, open neighbor, open T.A. test. It is our goal, however, to not need our neighbors or T.A.s.

And it is our duty to carefully ponder each answer before we apply it. If we just write down the same answers as our neighbors or T.A.s, then we're really not the ones taking the test.

Sure, if we do this, we may get a great grade in the end (though that's not even guaranteed), but we wouldn't be able to apply the concepts in our own lives. We would only be able to apply the concept of obedience. But that would mean we would need someone by our sides, 24-7, telling us what to do next.

Sure, God could do that, but then He couldn't dance, Himself.

That's right, I'm going to throw in a dance analogy.

In the life before this world, we were learning the dance steps. Here, in this life, we are practicing the steps -- even though we really don't remember them.

Those of you who have taken dance classes can probably relate to this. After learning a new step (let's say an advanced step, here), the first time you try it on your own, it feels as though you're completely in the dark, almost as if you didn't learn it at all. It's pretty much just a vague memory.

Once you get the step figured out so you can do it on your own, you can then go out and dance without the teacher or teacher's assistant standing by you counting out the timing, feet positions, footwork, etc.

We're not focused too much on technique right now in this life, just getting the steps right. If you can move on to technique, fabulous, you'll be even more prepared for when Christ comes, when we will focus more primarily on technique.

But those who will move on to the "Ballroom" where God dances will be those who not only know the dance independently but can even add their own individual flare into the steps (without worrying about compromising technique).

It won't matter how masterfully you can complete the steps according to what you hear being shouted from the teacher or teacher's assistant. If you can't dance on your own... well, to put it in a negative light, you'll be roadkill.

Those of you who have danced, say, the Waltz in a large group know how easily it is to be trampled if you or someone else doesn't know what's going on.

Sure, you may be able to remember a routine, hearing the what you were told in the back of your head, but you won't be able to the string steps together in your own way.

You won't be an advanced dancer. You won't really know what to do when someone is in your way, blocking the next step in the outlined routine.

... anyway, I'm sort of rambling on here.

My main point is that I don't see things as most Mormons do... and because of such, maybe I shouldn't serve a mission. I wouldn't be teaching what the leaders of the Church want me to teach.

I would teach and preach spiritual independence.

*I doubt lengths of time are truly specific.