Thursday, December 2, 2010
So we decided to call off the break-up.
I know, I know; it seems fickle. I claim temporary insanity, what with the drastically changed sleeping schedule and all.
[GMB] is a saint for putting up with me.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
It does make sense. I very strongly remember times in my youth when I needed my parents but they were busy taking care of the needs of my other million siblings. Hell, read through my blog the past few months, and you'll see examples of how what I need from my parents aren't met because of their religious beliefs.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I’ve been having rather intense nightmares lately—nightmares where my parents and I are screaming at each other.
I obviously have a lot of pent up frustration and anxieties about my relationship with them.
I’m having a difficult time truly feeling loved by them, at least in the way they say. Their love for me feels so… cheap sometimes. I don’t feel like I belong to them anymore, like I’m their son.
I feel pushed away and abandoned.
I feel like closing the door and walking away. With my newfound financial independency I’m having to really fight against that temptation.
Monday, November 1, 2010
I am now officially employed by a company that can pay me a regular salary!
I’m both excited and terrified—for the same reason: it feels like life-life is beginning.
That is to say that I feel a stronger sense of responsibility for my future now. Before it was just, “Let’s make it to the next crappy day.”
Now, however, it feels like I finally have a future to start preparing for.
Before it was, “Meh, I have the money in my account, and it’s shiny; I’ll buy it!”
Now it’s, “Hmm… I don’t know, I should probably put that money away for something more important.”
It’s an interesting feeling, both thrilling and terrifying, both enhungering [sic] and nauseating.
It’s a new experience that I hope I’m ready to take on.
Monday, October 25, 2010
If all goes well, I’ll have a steadily paying job as a software engineer.
It will be interesting juggling this job with the dance academy, but seeing as there’s a potential family start-up in my life, I need to lessen financial risks and fortify my financial stability.
I hope that the Academy won’t suffer. I teach in the afternoons, so I’m rather confident it won’t.
Anyway, good vibes my way would be appreciated. I both really need and really want this job.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The correlation between the sun's cycle and Earth's temperature is strikingly convincing to me that the primary cause of global warming is the sun.
Don't get me wrong, though. I believe, 100%, that we are crapping up the protection we have from the sun. I am all for taking care of and improving the environment.
I'm just not convinced we are the primary cause of global warming.i worry about the taste differences between [gmb] and me
I love, love, love the sculpture on the right.
[GMB] pretty much hates it. His style is much more modern than mine.
He's also pro gay rainbow. I personally think it looks tacky and cheap.
That said, my worry is quite insignificant. I'm pretty sure we'd be able to find common ground were we ever to find ourselves decorating a house together.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
I've had two [main] blogs before this one. The first was a blog titled something like LDS Eunuch. I started out as a hopeful celibate gay Mormon. Things, I thought were going fantastically... but the life that I had envisioned, the life that the Mormon leaders promised just wasn't the life that I was seeing.
Trying to understand how I could find a happy life as a gay Mormon (which direction I could go if not the one I was sincerely taking, the path dictated by the leader), I tore down LDS Eunuch and started to write under the blog, Chedner 101. Things progressed to the angry and bitter phase. By the end of Chedner 101, I was feeling quite finished with the church.
Not only did I feel like there was no room in the church for gays of any kind (except those who were hoping to become straight), I felt like nobody really wanted there to be room. I gave up, walked away, and started from scratch... which is where greenly chalked began.
I don't know if I've really had a purpose or theme to this blog. I've mostly just thrown my random thoughts out there. Perhaps I could say that it reflects my search for a purpose in my life; however, the latter search has been much less haphazard.
I have been extremely mindful of the choices I make. Each step is carefully analyzed to make sure they are not detrimental but are beneficial not just to me but to those with whom I share this life.
While I'm definitely still a "work in progress" (who isn't?), I can honestly say that I am pleased with who I am and with who I am becoming.
And my life, my purpose, is finally becoming what I had always envisioned (if not slightly 'physically' different--but the 'spirit' of my hopes and dreams are finally coming to fruition).
Friday, October 8, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
"You're happy because I made you happy."
"Your sorrow is making my life difficult."
"Your sorrow is my joy."
"Your joy is my sorrow."
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Maurette gasped as Chaz crumpled to the ground. She looked to the Reissod with fear and uncertainty.
“He was Illing,” the King’s servant explained nonchalantly as he wiped his blade on his bright cape, “and you... well, you will come with me. We will find your sons – twins?”
Maurette was too stunned to answer. She had never heard of any illness, and she feared she, too, was infected. Worse, though, she feared her sons were also sick, alone, and abandoned by their crazed father.
“They were twin boys, where they not?” the old man repeated almost impatiently.
“Yes,” Maurette stammered, “... they must be Illing, too... deformed... I, am I sick?”
“The disease only infects grown men, an unfortunate side effect of Chiding,” the Reissod spoke uncaring-ly as he helped Maurrette to her feet and guided her outside. “Did you see where your husband disposed of your boys?”
Sunlight caressed Jaiden’s anaemic face as he lifelessly stared out of the large window in front of him. His heavy breaths fogged the glass. He rocked gently, tapping his forehead against the thick pane; his reflection thereon only slightly blurred the coldness in his dark eyes.
Nyxia, fighting back concerned tears, sat next to her husband and lovingly stroked his thin, pale neck. Their son, Tristan, was not phased. During the short three years of his life, this was the only way he knew his father: a skeleton of a man, alive physically but seemingly dead inside.
“Then we went to the park, and I played on the swings!” Tristan excitedly told Jaiden of his day.
Seeing the two together was especially difficult for Nyxia. Jaiden’s collapse into his conscious coma happened the same day they welcomed Tristan into their family.
“I had cotton candy ice cream,” Tristan’s golden-flecked eyes shimmered with excitement, “and mommy pretended to eat hers like a monster. It got all over her face!” He giggled.
Nyxia smiled. Although she cherished Tristan’s coy giggle, she sometimes wished he would have inherited Jaiden’s boisterous laugh. She missed that laugh dearly.
A stocky orderly knocked on the door, “It’s time.”
Tristan hopped down from his mother’s lap, kissed his desolate father on the cheek and glowingly whispered, “Bye, papa. I love you.”
Nyxia softly kissed Jaiden’s neck, took Tristan’s hand, and solemnly left Jaiden’s room in the asylum.
Maurette didn’t speak as she and the Reissod walked toward the Souteastern Mines where Chaz would spend his days. She had known the dimness of the corridors all of her life, but everything seemed especially dark as they searched for any signs of her children.
The Reissod’s long, slender strides made it difficult for Maurette to keep up. She was as tall and lanky as he; however, she was extremely malnourished and hadn’t much energy. Maurette’s stomach groaned and knotted. She keeled over, reaching for the rough wall of the corridor to break her fall.
The Ressoid pulled a piece of dried meat from a ruby-adorned pouch hanging from his hip and offered the food to Maurette. She shook her head defiantly, stood, and began walking as quickly as she could.
“Suit yourself,” the King’s Reissod said emotionlessly as he returned the meat to his pouch, “But don’t expect me to carry you if you are too weak to walk.”
Maurette was growing more and more feeble, but she refused to eat. Years ago she had vowed to eat only when absolutely necessary. She knew she could make it at least one more hour.
She tried to keep her mind off of her starvation by fantasizing about her son’s importance to the King. Perhaps, she hoped, her son would end the necessity of Tshawings.
Her stomach lurched even more nauseously. Tshawings. Children ordained to be eaten. Maurette knew one must eat to survive, and she knew the only known food was the Tshawings. She had never thought twice about it until after her womb was set apart for the production of nourishment.
Nyxia had tried explaining to Tristan that his father’s situation probably wouldn’t improve. Tristan, however, insisted that his dad would soon “be all better so that we can all play together.” Instead of trying to remind him once again, she smiled at Tristan and then went back to arranging the flowers they had picked during their walk home from the asylum.
Nyxia placed a glass vase filled with daisies on Jaiden’s night stand. The clear water sparkled in the sunlight coming in from the room’s large window. Everything shone and warmed in the day’s brightness, contrasting Jaiden’s cold and darkly fogged glaze.
She thought she was going crazy. Tschawings were meant to be eaten, not loved. Nevertheless, her heart broke as the collector took her first born away. Ever since she only ate the minimum to survive.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
“That can’t be human,” Jaiden whispered.
“I ate one just like it yesterday,” Nyxia whispered back.
Jaiden’s eyes grew in disgust.
“It didn’t taste human. I wouldn’t recommend it.”
Jaiden’s eyes widened further. “You ate the whole thing?”
Nyxia burped nauseously, “I shouldn’t have...”
“I gave them to you...” his wife stammered, “... you said they couldn’t have been yours... you threw them out...”
Chaz’s violet eyes stuttered and searched the empty room. He hissed, “I would have remembered.”
“I didn’t... you...”
“I would have remembered!” Rusty bile pooled in the corners of Chaz’s mouth. He tightened his grip and lifted the woman off of the floor. “Where have you hidden them?”
Hanging in Chaz’s anger, the woman’s gaunt body shuttered limply in supplication to be released.
Nyxia pressed her fevered body to the cavern’s cool rock wall. Sweat bubbled from her quivering pores.
“I think it’s cooing.” Jaiden seemed oblivious to Nyxia’s plight. He stroked what he assumed to be the creature’s cheek. One of the cysts erupted, spewing its dim bluish pus into Jaiden’s haggard face.
In reflex Jaiden dropped the now writhing blob. It started to hum as it splattered on the ground; the rest of its cysts bursted in unison as the hum grew louder. Tiny pebbles avalanched from the ceiling as the buzz shook the cavern. The amber lights quivered to the increasing beat.
Maurette stopped breathing completely; her eyes darted from the visitor to her husband and back again. Chaz’s glare remained focused on the old man.
“You aren’t the usual collector,” Chaz said dryly.
“No, no,” the old man replied, “I am the King’s Reissod. His Majesty has sent me specifically to collect this batch.”
Chaz’s stare only grew more frigid.
The Reissod continued, “You see, His Holy Eye has foreseen a particular importance in one of your sons. So, if you’ll please...”
Chaz turned menacingly toward his wife. His jaw clenched, “Where are they?”
“Please,” Maurette pled to the old man at the door, “I... Chaz, he took them away... said they were monsters.” If it were possible, she looked paler. Tears fell freely.
Chaz grabbed hold of Maurette’s thinning, silver hair and threw her at the servant’s feet. “She,” Chaz spat, “is hiding them. She doesn’t want them to be ordained Tshawings.”
“He’s mad!” Maurette pleadingly grasped onto the Reissod’s topaz leather garments. “I didn’t... he took them away...”
The old man looked harshly at Maurrette. His sunken cheeks and darkly circled eyes sharpened his glare. Slowly he drew his sword. Mercury-red light seemed to melt from the blade’s slick metal surface. With a deft swipe, the Reissod dampened the sword’s glow as lipid indigo blood slushed onto his regal garb.
Before he could do anything, Jaiden was blinded by a sharp flood of light, then nothing save silence and darkness remained.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
All that I ask from you is that you sincerely pray to know whether or not you can trust me and how you should treat me (i.e. whether or not you should treat me and my future male spouse as you would treat any of your other children and their spouses). I will respect and honor whatever choice you make just as I hope that you will respect and honor the choices I am making.
- I make no threat to their beliefs;
- the focus is on me as their son and how I'm doing in life instead of on a principle; and
- I stand as an example.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
- I don't like pig (except italian sausage)
- I don't cook with onions (blech)
- I don't eat squash (except raw cucumbers)
- I don't like bananas and find apples boring
- I love peppers
- I love kiwi, pineapple, blackberries, raspberries, peaches, plums, and similar fruits
- I enjoy potatoes, carrots (raw or cooked), broccoli (steamed), green beans (steamed), spinach (raw)
- Panag curry is perhaps my favorite curry--I love curry
- Pasta is heaven
- Breads and cheeses are bliss
- Cooking with herbs and spices is love
- Grilling is preferred (as cleaning my stove-top is hell)
- Fresh is best; however, I don't buy into that organic pooplah
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
We've run into a little dilemma. Things with the Academy are going fantastic, no problems paying the loan or anything like that. It's just that her husband is feel a little frustrated because they don't qualify for a home because of their debt-to-income ratio (because of the aforementioned loan).
Anyway, I have two questions, seeing if anyone out there may be able to respond:
1. Would my friend be able to include the Academy's income as part of their household income? (The Academy is set up as a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation, and we presently aren't paying ourselves a salary so that the Academy can grow the most quickly.)
2. Is there anyone out there with (or who knows someone with) the appropriate resources willing to offer my Academy a private loan while we start looking for our sponsors? Banks are weird about loans to nonprofits (a for-profit corporation with the success we've been having would get a great loan while we qualify for nothing). Things are looking great for the Academy; we aren't having any problems paying the loan we have now, I'd just like to get it out of my friend's name so her family can buy a house.
We're still a few months away from seeking out sponsors and grants as I (the grant writer) am focusing on the IT stuff (i.e. website with online user accounts for the parents to pay and track their tuition and the students their choreography) right now.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
My insanity is screaming for a change of scene, to disappear and start my life over somewhere else.
It's not that my life's bad or anything. I guess I'm just hitting a patch of boredom. Sure I have a lot to do and what-not, but it's just drudgery.
I think I've lost most of my passion for everything that's been going on in my life right now, I've lost that spark of interest. Well, I'm quite passionate about my vision for my dance academy, but the whole problem of money is quite the spoiler.
I'm not sure how we're going to find the money to do what we need to do.
I wish I could say that I'm joking, but part of me is seriously considering finding a sugar daddy... is that bad of me? Admittedly, it's not the best route to take, but it sure would be a quick one.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.This past year, I've really shaken up my approach to life. Some positive things have happened. Some not-so-positive things have happened.~Albert Einstein
But insane I am becoming less... well, depending on one's definition of insane.
I'm still pretty dern crazy.
Nonetheless, I am getting different results out of life than I had been. Who knows if they're better or worse than my previous results. Well... I guess not much can get worse to wanting to run a knife through your heart... perhaps I should say: Who knows if they're better than any other alternative changes I could have made, but I do enjoy life for the most part now.
And that is a positive thing, eh?
Monday, May 17, 2010
For those of you who are interested, able, and close please come and support my dance academy this Saturday, May 22nd, at Stansbury High School (5300 N. Aberdeen Lane Stansbury, UT 84074), 7 PM.
We will be performing our abridged adaptation of the ballet, Swan Lake. I, personally, am dancing the role of Rothbart, the evil sorcerer--but it still should be a decent show, nonetheless.
It's $4/person or $11/family (parents/guardians + children).
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Today, for example, I slept until 3 PM, got up to teach until 7, and then crashed again until about 1 AM—not so great when you have a to-do list of a million and one empty check-boxes.
Thankfully I've been able to find ways to destress at least a little. Last night I had ice cream and watched Doctor Who with some friends.
I also remembered a destresser I had forgotten: baking (esp. experimenting with baking).
Right now, my peach-marbled brownies experiment is baking.
I hope it's a success. The batter sure was fabulous, if I may so brag.
Monday, May 3, 2010
... and I think hanging out with my family was more difficult for me than I'm willing to admit, even to myself. I mean my 'nap' from 2:00 PM Saturday to 4:00 PM Sunday was more than just me being overworked, methinks.
I think I'm more bitter and angry and frustrated about feeling like I have to hide a part of myself from those with whom I'm the closest than I'm willing to admit to myself.
I think it hurts more than I'm willing to admit to myself to hear the jovial and excited, "When are we going to meet Teena's boyfriend? We're so excited for Preston and Hannah's engagement!" comments, thinking how they would feel quite the opposite about any such thing for me.
Instead of confronting these feelings, I'm just shutting down, lying to myself, pretending I'm not hurt. It's most likely not the most healthy thing to be doing.
It's probably a good thing I don't have a boyfriend right now; not being able to have invited him probably would have made things more difficult for me to ignore.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Who knew being the CEO, President, Treasurer, IT department, design department, construction crew, ballroom director, ballroom instructor, tap director, and tap instructor of a rapidly growing nonprofit dance academy would be so exhausting and time & talent consuming?
Hopefully enrollment will grow sufficiently that it all won't be volunteer work come Fall. My piggy bank is empty... which means Magic 27th Birthday 5-27-2010 will have to cost $0.
Hmm... some may say, "Impossible!" to which I would append, "things are happening every day!"
And some would be all, "You did not just quote Hammerstein."
And I'd be all, "Uh, 'pretty sure I did; what are you going to do about it?"
Then some would trash me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
I'm also finding that I especially enjoy playing with classical metrics.
With my current work-in-progress, 'As Man, As King,' I'm using iambic trimeter, but allowing the first foot to become either a cretic or molossus and the last either an amphibrach or antibacchius (yes, I have my reasons for such). I'm also using a very simple rhyming scheme.
My goal and challenge is to avoid sounding bouncy and rhyme-y, toward which iambic feet and simple rhyming schemes (especially with few feet) tend.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I woke up this morning to that familiar asphyxiating voice, taunting with the alarm, "You can't do this, you can't do this, you can't do this..." Trying to ground myself, I closed my eyes and reached out with my other senses.
I listened; rain almost deftly flicked the windows. I felt; gravity wrapped its arms around me and pulled my body into the softness of my bed. I smelled; vanilla and lavender crept, whirled and massaged the air around my nostrils. I tasted; I should have brushed after my late night snack.
I felt; my gentle sheets caressed the cold bareness of my back as I pulled the covers over me. I listened; the alarm again taunted, "You can't do this, you can't do this, you can't do this..."
"I can't do what?"
"I'm doing just fine, great even. Look how productive I was yesterday. The ticket and poster designs are fabulous, the databases are coming along well. Things are great."
"It's not worth it. You can't do this. It's all going to go to crap."
"What's going on? Did I miss my meds?"
"You're worthless. Alone. Look around you. Nobody. You can't do this."
Ten more minutes and I had to be heading to the studio for my first class of the day. I traced my breaths in and out of my lungs. I focused on each nose hair, feeling, imagining them sway. Lavender and vanilla clouded around me, trying to push away the smoggy thoughts. Gravity worriedly hugged me closer into the safety of my bed. My sheets nuzzled me with concern. Five more minutes.
Trembling, though not visibly, I got out of bed, letting the cold hardness of the wood floors drown out the "... you're alone, nobody's on your side... worthless, alone, worthless, alone..." thoughts. My neighbor's clanking masked the "... you can't do this, you can't do this, you can't do this..." thoughts.
And for the rest of the day, I would and will have to live in the immediate present, no past, no future, just smells and feels and hears and sees and tastes.
Oh, and what have you done to [BFF]? She is now convinced that you and I were made for each other. Please let her know that it will never be. I'm far too busy convincing myself of such that I have neither the time nor energy to focus on [BFF].
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Every time I finally convince myself that I'm over [Him], something eventually happens that reminds me that I'm just lying to myself.
Sometimes I worry (quite a bit) that I will never be over him and that the guys I've been dating -slash- will date don't really have that fair of a chance with me, all because of [Him].
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
It's gotten to the point, however, that I must subconsciously think I need you, even when I'm not feeling depressed. Okay, okay, today was a rather low day for me and for no apparent reason, really. Clinical depression sure is a pain, n'est-ce pas ?
Aren't you getting tired of it, though? I mean, I know I am.
And... well, to be blunt, I'm afraid you're sort of enabling things here. Whenever my depression whispers that I'm a worthless failure at everything I do, you just sit there, ticking along... enjoying that I'm here with you?
Don't get me wrong, though. It's not like we've never had any fun together.
Perhaps I'm saying that it's time that we focus on the fun times, yeah?
Sure, this would mean less time together... but it would also mean that the time we do spend with each other would be healthier and much more enjoyable for the both of us.
Sleep is essential for me right now. Responsibility frequents my abode much more often these days than in the past... things just can't keep going as they are now.
I need my space from you for a little while. However, I do promise that we will have some fantastic times together in the future.
Much Love and Gratitude,
Andrew M. Pankratz
Saturday, April 10, 2010
My proverbial plate is so full (as is my 'tummy') that I don't know how I'm going to do everything that needs to get done. It would be helpful if my body weren't begging for a six month hibernation... yet, when it is time to sleep... nothing.
Perhaps it's time for me to take something off my plate, but what?
My slowly growing social life?
... it is the only thing not bound to financial responsibility right now... and I am naturally a hermit...
Do I dare increase the odds that I will end up as the eccentric old man living alone on the top of the hill? Would that be so bad, if bad at all? It has been a future I've always considered. Nikola Tesla is my hero, after all. It's too bad I'm not as brilliant as he.
I'm perhaps as crazy as Tesla.
Heh. Insane without the genius... ah man...
Oh well, as for right now, I'm going to go take a bubble bath in the dark (perhaps with some candles... oOo, sexay...) whilst I listen to Chopin's Mazurkas.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Oh, my sweet little subconscious-self... he's doing what he can, trying to take care of things while I'm sleeping. Poor fool doesn't realize that putting gas in the car, for example, in a dream doesn't put gas in the car in real life.
He also doesn't realize that it makes me a little grumpy that I have to do all those mundane tasks again, for real, after I wake up.
Really, subconscious-self, why can't you dream of extraordinary adventures? Why must you dream about taking out the trash, cleaning the kitchen, and doing laundry? Are you angry with me? What have I done to upset you? How can I make it up to you?
Speaking of grumpy, though, I'm wondering if it's "that time of month" for me. Everything is pissing me off. Of course, my "pissiness" is really just me being extra cynical and sarcastic, which some find quite entertaining. I'm usually not a mean grump, which I like about myself.
Although, I do get über insecure about things when I'm in such a mood...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Unfortunately, I won't really have any free time (other than weekends) until the end of May.
... maybe I'll plan a road trip to Canada for my birthday...
Magical Birthday 2010, Option Alpha: Road Trip to Canada.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I just listened to Lady Gaga's song, 'Teeth' (no, it's not the first time I've heard it)... it gave me... ideas.
Other gay songs I've been enjoying lately: 'Boys Boys Boys' & 'Devil Made Me Do It'
Admittedly, I've been racking up some serious gay points lately... I'm not so worried about losing my membership anymore. Granted, I still have to fill out all those reports and send them into Gay-Quarters... ugh... is there no end to bureaucracy?? This damned agenda is almost more work than it's worth.
He then invited me to dinner afterward.
This was just what I needed for me to know things are going to be okay between my family and me. I don't feel like I need to send any letter now.
I'll stick to my original plan, to simply live my life and let them come to me if they have any questions or concerns.
I've recently found that there is still a lot of concern about me. While I don't know if this concern is shared by all, most, or just a few of you, I do understand why you are worried. In complete honesty, I appreciate your desires for me to be happy, not just in this life but in the next.
Perhaps there's not much I can do to help ease your anxieties over me and my decision to date guys. All I can offer is to honestly say that I feel nothing but encouragement from God, a sense that He is pleased with the direction I am heading in life.
I am personally no longer burdened by being gay. I am no longer conflicted. I am confident with my decisions and relationship with God. Never before have I felt His love so strongly for me than I do now.
There is nothing I do, specifically something so heavy as pursuing a husband, without that solemn, peaceful, godly hand on my shoulder guiding me in the direction He would have me travel, being genuinely willing to travel anywhere He would have me go.
Come judgment day, I will happily stand before God and present my life—the good, the bad, the zany, the mundane, the tender, the awkward, the romantic, the heartbreaking—covering nothing up with the sincere testimony that my greatest intent was to live a life pleasing to Him.
Like you for me, I care for you. I love you. I want you to be happy and healthy. Life is stressful and burdensome enough as it is, I truly don't want you to be burdened by my decisions. There is no reason to be; although, as I said, I do understand where you're coming from, why many of you are concerned. I pray that you will receive the same comfort I have received concerning my decisions.
I've recently found that there is still a lot of concern about me. While I don't know if this concern is shared by all, most, or just a few of you, I do understand why you are worried. In complete honesty, I appreciate your desires for me to be happy, not just in this life but in the next.
Perhaps there's not much I can do to help ease your anxieties over me and my decision to date guys, but I can offer my sincere testimony that I feel nothing but encouragement from God, a sense that He is pleased with the direction I am heading in life.
I am personally no longer burdened by being gay. I am no longer conflicted. I am confident with my decisions and relationship with God. There is nothing I do, specifically something so heavy as pursuing a husband, without that solemn, peaceful, godly hand on my shoulder guiding me in the direction He would have me travel, being genuinely willing to travel left, right, straight ahead, etc.
While I know my testimony challenges your paradigms, I also know that it is your duty as devout followers of Christ to judge based upon the fruits one's decisions bring instead of the array of options you believe are or aren't possible.
Please understand that I am not asking for acceptance. My only desire in writing and sending this letter is to promise you that if you look at me (I mean sincerely look at me, who I am, and feel the intentions of my heart) then you will receive the same comfort I have received. Such unparadigmed [sic], unfiltered eyes are the pure love of Christ. Such is the only kind of love I can accept as true love for me.
Like you for me, I care for you. I love you. I want you to be happy and healthy. Life is stressful and burdensome enough as it is, I truly don't want you to be burdened by my decisions. There is no reason to be.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Revisions to my letter pending.
As for right now, though, I've some programming to do...
On one hand, it gives me more of a reason to send something. It makes it more real, taking it out of realm of theory and what-ifs and putting it into the "I have a boyfriend, how are you going to treat and see him?"
On the other hand, who knows when I'll get a boyfriend.
On the foot, what's the rush?
Sure, I want my family to know that I'm not struggling with being gay. There's no conflict left in me. Although, the more I think about it, the more I feel that I should wait until I have something more concrete for them to consider.
I'm becoming a rather patient person. While I still have pings of wanting to push and prod things along with my family, I think I can handle just going with the flow as I do with most things in life.
... of course, my laissez-faire attitude has backfired a few times before...
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I sincerely hope you all know how much I love, respect, and admire each of you. I do appreciate your concern for me and my choices in regards to being gay.
Many, if not all, of you I'm sure are worried that I am heading down the wrong path. I wish I could take that burden from you. All I can really do is try to assure you that my decisions are not made with my genitals and hormones but with a sincere desire to do what is right for me, not just for this life but also for the next.
Years were spent in earnest and sincere prayer, meditation, fasting, scripture study, et al. as I sought to know what I should do. I was, am, and will always be genuinely willing to do whatever I feel inspired to do, no matter what it may be. I trust my relationship with God.
I no longer struggle with anything 'being gay'-wise. I am dating guys. I no longer have virgin lips... and [I]n my sincere seeking to understand God's will for me, I have felt absolutely nothing but encouragement and a sense that God is pleased with me and the direction my life is heading.
While it has troubled me that you struggle with my decisions, most likely not trusting the sincerity of my intentions, words, or testimonies, I have decided that I have done all I can to help you with your burden concerning me.
Now the struggle is yours. I will continue to do everything I can to help you through this struggle... though, like I said, all I can do is be completely open and honest with you. Again, it's up to you now. I will not try to force any dialogue. I will not try to force any decision.
I will respect any decision you make, even if it means that you won't be at my wedding (if I end up finding Mr. Future Hubs), if I can't attend family gatherings because my boyfriend or husband wouldn't be invited, etc. Yes, it will be painful for me. I'm sure tears will be shed on my behalf, but I understand that respect is a 'two-way street,' so to speak. I can't expect you to respect my wishes of being treated as any other sibling regardless of whom I love, date, and marry if I don't respect your desire to keep me at a distance because you cannot support my decisions.
That being said, I do hope that those I date will be treated the same as those anyone else has dated or is dating. I do hope that the person I end up marrying will be treated and seen the same as any other in-law. If it doesn't end up happening, then I'll deal with that pain the best I can.
Again, I love you all dearly. I hope and pray for the very best for each of you and your families.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Okay, okay, so it didn't even require any tools, just the pure power of my hands.
Admittedly, my recent 'butchness' pales in comparison to my last summer adventure of building my own sprung dance floor out of scratch, mostly by myself.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
- to renew my car registration;
- to program a custom accounting program for my dance academy;
- to finalize my Tango and Paso Doble choreography;
- to install the trim on my dance floor;
- to make my wings;
- to cut one more song;
- to design tickets;
- to finally get things ready for my web programmer;
- to get caught up on my curriculum;
- ... to relax and have fun??
I had a few hours to kill today, so I decided to walk aimlessly around a few stores. In my not-even-window-shopping, I noticed the wall of Underoos in Target.
Reminded of the nickname (referring to the title of this post) my sister, Teena, had haphazardly given me a few years ago, I perused the selection.
"Oooh, Spider-Man Boxer Briefs."
(reading package of largest size) "...hmm... I weigh more than twice that much, and my waist is almost 6 inches larger..."
About $6 and 20 minutes later, I'm in my sister's bathroom squeezing into my first pair of Underoos in perhaps 20 years... realizing as I look into the mirror that I had finally bought a pair of underwear that may just let me keep my gay card.
Novelty: Off the Charts
In related news: I have, for the first time in my life, been thankful for my small derrière.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I guess the best way to explain what I mean is to give an example:
Make BYU's Ballroom Team
- First Degree - Make team before graduation.
- Second Degree - Make team first year trying out.
- Third Degree - Be told by one of the dance instructors that I should try out.
- Fourth Degree - Be invited onto team without trying out.
Now, I don't actually sit down and think out specific conditions for the degrees of my goals. I merely set the base goal, and then, once I've accomplished my goal, I tend to evaluate to what degree it was accomplished.
And I'm always more than happy accomplishing my goals to the first degree.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
What does this have to do with waiting until marriage?
Well... I have failed to admit (even to myself) the real reason why I felt like I should wait until I was married before I had sex.
I wanted to use my premarital chastity as bragging rights, to be able to use it as ammunition against my family and any other naysayers.
... I also felt that I had to prove my worth to them... and to God...
It was all based on feelings of fear and worthlessness.
So I took last night (and I mean the entire night) to analyze, evaluate, ponder, meditate, and pray.
In such, I realized that I had nothing to prove. My family will think whatever they think. God is guiding me, step by step, and will warn me when I'm stepping over the bounds of what I should be doing.
Thus, I realized that the most important thing I should do, not just with sex, is keep my personal connection with God strong and listen to His guidance.
In whole, this experience has brought me even more peace, comfort, and has removed yet another weighty burden from my shoulders.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
As cruddy as the last few days were, they have opened up some dialogue between my parents and me.
I'm hoping it will continue to be positive, especially now that I am no longer bitter or angst-ridden toward the LDS Church... now that I have a much more level head on my shoulders than last I talked with my parents about me being homo and my choices therein.
... I sometimes forget that shit is the original fertilizer... and I grewed up on a crop farm...
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
As I was driving home, I decided that I'd like Mr. Future Hubs to be able to get along with them. So much so that I think it would be a deal breaker if the four of us couldn't enjoy an evening together just sitting around, shooting the breeze (people still use this idiom, yes?).
I've also decided that my 'bff' Sarah will need to approve of Mr. Future Hubs. She's a good judge of character and has become one of the greatest supports and supplements to my life.
I'm still debating on "being able to dance really well."
On one hand, I'd very much like to be able to dance the Rumba full out with someone, and I don't think I could do that (let such barriers down) with anyone except a luvuh; however, on the other hand, I don't know if that's a requirement, how important it is to me...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Although I've become content with the possibility that I may never meet Mr. Future Hubs*, on days like this I do think that it would be really nice to have a significant other to cuddle up with and watch a movie.
But tonight it's looking like it's just me, a blanket, a pillow, Spencer Bear (my teddy bear I've had since I was almost 3), some dark hot chocolate with chocolate raspberry creamer, and either Precious or Pan's Labyrinth.
While not as appealing as cuddling with a 'luvuh,' I think it'll do tonight.
*I honestly do not say such in any sort of cynical way. I just think it's logical that I should prepare for this possibility.
- Learn how to swim;
- Go camping for the first time; and
- Try sushi
After thinking of several possibilities, I've decided that my new goal is [drum-roll]:
- Go on a road-trip to Canada
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
If I had to curtly explain the difference between what I clinical depression and what I call common depression, it would be thus:
With common depression, the negative thoughts are created by an event (i.e. a death of a loved one).Counseling is beneficial for both types of depression, in my opinion. Medicines, on the other hand, I feel are best suited for clinical depression and could possibly worsen common depression by messing with the body's chemicals when it is simply reacting as it should.
With clinical depression, the negative thoughts, while often triggered by an event, are created by a chemical imbalance.
One needn't be too astute to realize that perhaps the greatest difficulty in treating depression lies in realizing whether or not the depression is based upon circumstance or a chemical imbalance triggered by circumstance.
I, personally, used to believe that my depression was mostly circumstantial.
Until last year.
Everything was going great. My future looked amazing^4. Then, one night as I was walking to my room ~SCHTUK~ I was done with life.
I had no reason to feel depressed. I had no reason to want to give up. Indeed, quite the opposite was true.
Nonetheless, I didn't care about anything. The positive didn't matter. The lack of negative didn't matter.
If you were to have asked me, "If you could steal away to anywhere, where would you go?" I would have answered, "Six feet under."
... I was once again tied up by depression.
Monday, March 8, 2010
I've been avoiding my deeper pensive moments, mostly because such have been on the topic of clinical depression... and I didn't want to sound all 'emo.'
But a few people have recently asked me what I think about/what it's like when I'm low and how/why I hit lows.
So maybe it's time I talked a little more in depth about this gig called depression...
Saturday, March 6, 2010
This whole homosexual thing is... well... it's kind of gay.
... oops, I just squealed "yay!" with a queer shoulder shrug of joy when I saw that the newest episode of Project Runway's seventh season is finally up online... I'm not off to a very good start...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
So, screw it.
I've been in a "screw it" kind of mood all week.
I think I'll make me some Naan tomorrow.
(That's right... with a capital N!)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
- we would hibernate for 6 months every year;
- nobody would know what the hell was going on;
- I would get marzipan for free;
- actually, there wouldn't be any money;
- education would be top priority;
- they would make clothes for short, petit guys;
- I would live in a small castle with amazing gardens;
- criminals wouldn't go to jail but have to walk on all fours (they would be fixed with an apparatus to force such);
- haute couture would be the common dress; and
- everything would be open during the night.
p.s. I decided to go with a separate blog for my poetry and choreography.
I'm thinking this phobia is probably residue from my gym-class days, having associated being shirtless with being vulnerable, turned on in a way that I was not supposed to be.
Much like I've been cleaning up the muck from my resent house-flood, I need to clean up the muck resulting from the clogged mains of gay Mormonism.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
... so I'm writing on my blog...
Not that I have anything to say, really.
I just want to... sit in this horrible smell...
... now that I put it that way...
Tree roots attacked the main line, and the basement flooded.
Now I need to clean my carpets like cows need to cud their food.
... tonight, I fear, is going to be a long night...
Monday, March 1, 2010
Dear blogulas. Andrew is taking a nap.
You may remember my coolness from ?2? weeks ago.
Anyhways, I got stuck in SL,UT on Fridays and watched a movie with some bums. & Utah bums are a whole lot nicer than some other bums I've met. A Whole Lot.
Speaking of movies, check out shaolin grandma . We just watched it, and I must say it is an ~awfully~ good movie.
Le water main is blocked right now, and its made for a naztecs weekend. I'm waiting for the plumbers to come and fix it, so I can shower.
♥Bye everybody & Stay Cute!♥
PS I did not Infiltrate. This is totes magotes with permissions. If cheds says otherwise he is a sneaky snake.
Also saxophone is still not gross.
PPS This is Andrew now. E-mail me for a good time.
[Just kidding. hes still nappin.]
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Secondly, official video... Duffy, you should hire me for choreography. For part of my c.v. you can expect a post-bronze/pre-silver open int'l cha cha cha to this song posted on my blog soon. (I hope you don't mind me using the song to help advertise what my kids will be able to do after my bronze latin class; if you do, just let me know.)
[talking to myself] ... actually, I think I'm going to create another blog just for my poetry and choreography. Not everybody enjoys such things... I guess readers can just skip over such posts if they so desire... hmm... we'll see.
In the meantime, my latest poems:
Ash, the color of his sputum
The vilest heart condemns him
To this unforgiving blood
On sait jamais
quand on n’aime plus
mais ne sont plus
Et la tristesse
malgré ce bonheur
Pourtant quand on
Il n’y a que la lune
que le soleil même
Vaut bien la peine
De sa mort
You never know
When you no longer love
But is no more
despite that happiness
However, when one
there's only the moon
than the sun
Is worth the penalty
Of its death
Just as I attribute being a living organism equally to my heart, lungs, et al., I attribute who I am equally to being short, absent minded, gay, et al..
It's my philosophy that all things contribute, in a way, to each other, culminating the being.
That is to say, I don't see anything "simply as another characteristic," compartmentalizing traits like I used to separate the food on my plate, not wanting the items to touch, when I was younger.
Relating such to happiness, I believe segregating one's traits creates a situation similar to what is said in Matthew 6:24, "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."
Happiness comes in accepting everything of oneself as oneself, no trait greater than or really separate from another; otherwise, one will tend to love one trait and despise another.
This includes our weaknesses.
Like I tell my students, one needs to accept and be happy with where one is. Such does not mean one should never expect to improve, but understanding where one can be, what one can become, must neither negate nor degrade where and who one is.
Otherwise, one's progress and happiness are impeded.
- to go to the opera (on a date preferably);
- to watch Big Love tonight before I fall asleep;
- Liszt's complete works;
- a generous, rich philanthropist contact who wants to help bring professional dance to those who can't afford it (as well as to help strengthen the arts in general);
- to cut my toenails;
- to change my dentist appointment;
- to star gaze;
- swedish fish;
- an accountant for my academy;
- my own house;
- more time in the day;
- fresh pineapple;
- fresh kiwi;
- to go grocery shopping;
- to cut a bunch of songs;
- to make my wings;
- to go to bed.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Things were said that are not my position.
For example: The saxophone most often makes me want to peel off my skin and roll around in lemon juice.
Other turn-offs include:
- Smoking (I've already mentioned this)
- Illegal/recreational drug use
- Sincere vanity
- Piercings (Gauges x 838)
- Really big muscles
- Women (heh, perhaps obviously)
- Being unkind
- Using unwilling people and/or people who have not given their explicit consent for a laugh
- (i.e. being inappropriate in a public place with a "If they're bothered, it's their problem" kind of attitude)
- Trying to force me to do something
- Attitude of "If I like it; everyone should like it"
- Needing money/things to be happy
- Not wanting children
- Needing constant affirmation
- Thinking that, in a gay relationship, one person is the "man" and the other is the "woman"
- Needing to be hyper-social
- Smiling and saying, "Thank You" to store greeters
- Random acts of service
- All acts of service
- Sense of humor compatible with mine
- Being good with kids
- Geekiness or Nerdiness
- Profound eyes
- Dark hair
- Confidence with humility
- Studying what one loves, not what will be the "best for business"
- Tactful bluntness
- Talent (esp. with the piano)
- Small... packages...
- Enjoying dance
- Matching with me in that inexplicable way
*As I understand things, humility is sincerely understanding and knowing your strengths, weaknesses, talents, etc. and not esteeming yourself higher or lower than anyone else. Meekness is being teachable. While the latter requires humility, they are not really the same thing... at least not in my book.