2009 started out with a laugh... which is a dang good way to start a new year, if I do say so myself.
It gets my recommendation.
Thanks, Sarah & Scott (and all those who were there); I'm really glad I came.
I'm also glad I had that half-hour drive back chez moi... you see, during such, I realized my dirty little secret of 2008:
I am still officially a member of the LDS Church. By choice -- I never sent in my letter of resignation.
I had it printed out. I had it enveloped. I had it addressed. I had it stamped, but as I started to move toward the dropbox to have it mailed... I paused, almost involuntarily.
I simply couldn't do it. So, I didn't, and I said I did. Why I said I did, I really don't know. Well, maybe I do. I was still trying to figure out why I didn't resign as intended -- because I honestly didn't know.
All year long I was trying to understand... even though the answer is rather simple... and yet not:
I still believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ as professed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I still believe that I am on the correct path in pursuing a husband with whom to raise children... and I sincerely believe that this possible future family of mine can be made eternal.
The latter deviates from the former as the former -- that which is professed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints -- professes that only heterosexual unions are eligible for the eternities.
Granted, I can easily translate the scriptures to show that this conclusion of exclusive coupling for heterosexuals is not the inference of God's words and that homosexual coupling can easily fall within the boundaries of the New and Everlasting Covenant.
It really isn't that difficult to do.
However, such still stands as my translation, and I fully recognize that I am prone to self-prejudice. I could simply be twisting unawares the word of God to fulfill what I believe is right or to justify what I want to be right. I am not a fool nor am I fogged up in a cloud of vanity and pride. I know where I stand.
However II, there are happenings and experiences in my life which I cannot deny. A few are too sacred in my eyes to share on a public blog, though I may share with those whom I know would hold such as sacred -- if the timing were appropriate. Some are too sacred in my eyes to share with anyone. They are between the Lord and me and meant for none other... save for the current promptings I have to admit their existence.
These sacred experiences have shaped a firm testimony in my heart of both the Gospel of the LDS Church and the belief of eternal homosexual coupling. I cannot deny one without denying the other, and I cannot deny either without denying God nor can I deny God without denying either.
Presently, I cannot deny God.
I mean, I know I'm crazy. I know I'm prone to weird experiences such as Night Terrors, Hallucinatory Sleep Paralysis, Lucid Dreaming, and the sort -- I've even had a few "out of body experiences."
But there is a stark difference between all of these loony experiences and the experiences I have had which I hold as sacred/spiritual. In fact, I view my craziness as a gift from God to help me in my unbelief.
That is, if I didn't have such a wide set of rather abnormal psychological experiences to compare to that which I believe are my spiritual experiences, then I would honestly assume some of my believed spiritual experiences were simply abnormal psychological experiences.
So, with all things considered, I cannot, at this moment, deny God. I cannot, therefore, deny the LDS Church's Gospel nor can I deny my beliefs about the nature of homosexuality.
That is to say, I cannot resign from the LDS Church, but I cannot refrain from following the path I feel is divinely appointed me, that which I was called to do, that which I will be blessed to do in this life according to the Lord's timetable.
It is quite the conundrum.
I honestly don't know how it's all going to pan or work out. But I have put the situation completely in God's hands. He holds the reigns, and I am completely at peace with this decision.
He is driving. Not I. Not my parents. Not His prophets. He and He alone. We others are merely inputers and counselors one unto another, according to our appropriate authorities.
But we all must ultimately submit to the will of the Lord whose ways are mysterious and perfect.
And I sincerely believe the path I am on is the one appointed unto me by the mysterious and perfect Lord.
In utter sincerity, I finally feel like I'm on the right path. I've often felt like I was heading in the right direction but never like I was on the right path yet.
It is a feeling of home, no matter where I physically stand. It is a feeling of peace, no matter how much chaos is pelting around me. It is a feeling of security, no matter how insecure anything in my life is. It is a feeling of certainty, no matter how much doubt puddles at the bottom of my shoes.
Ultimately, it is a feeling of love... no matter how physically alone I may feel some days.
I've never had any of this until now, and I praise God Almighty for it all. In His arms I find peace. In His wisdom I find clarity. In His mercy I find rest. In His all I find love, and in His love... I am whole.
... a laugh and a spiritual renewal... not a bad way to start a year, indeed...