WelLong Story

To make a long-ish story short, [GMB] and I had basically a two day talk. I think we understand each other a lot better now.

So we decided to call off the break-up.

I know, I know; it seems fickle. I claim temporary insanity, what with the drastically changed sleeping schedule and all.

[GMB] is a saint for putting up with me.

More Disorder?

My friend sent me a link to the following site: http://www.attachmenttherapy.com/adult.htm. I'm afraid I may have another disorder along with my clinical depression and anxiety to deal with.

I'm thinking I tend toward the "Anxious/Ambivalent" category of attachment disorder:

ANXIOUS/AMBIVILENT

Compulsive Caregiving

Feel overinvolved and underappreciated

Rapid relationship breakups

Idealizing of others

Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship

Overinvests his/her emotions in a relationship

Perceives relationships as imbalanced

Relationship is idealized

Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)

Perceives others as difficult to understand

Unlikely to view others as altruistic

Discomfort with anger

Extreme emotions

Views self as unlovable

Mood swings

Tendency toward anaclitic depression (dependent depression)

It does make sense. I very strongly remember times in my youth when I needed my parents but they were busy taking care of the needs of my other million siblings. Hell, read through my blog the past few months, and you'll see examples of how what I need from my parents aren't met because of their religious beliefs.

I'm not "blaming the parents." I am recognizing, though, where my problem lies so I can resolve things.

Thankfully, I have an appointment with my counselor in the not too distant future to discuss things with her.

Oversimplified

The reason I posted for the break-up is rather oversimplified.

I still think there's a lot of misunderstanding on both of our sides. We're trying to sort things out, at the very least to minimize the hurt.

Good News & Bad News

Good News

I was able to make my extremely difficult decision.

Bad News

[GMB] and I are no more.

He wanted to work us around his dream school and dream career.

I want a relationship that is top priority, working such things as school and career around the relationship.

So, I unfortunately had to say adieu to "us."

Tired

I am exhausted.

Physically.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Spiritually.

And I'm being faced with a horribly difficult decision right now.

Please throw some magic powder my way if you have any. I could use it.

Nightmares

I’ve been having rather intense nightmares lately—nightmares where my parents and I are screaming at each other.

I obviously have a lot of pent up frustration and anxieties about my relationship with them.

I’m having a difficult time truly feeling loved by them, at least in the way they say.  Their love for me feels so… cheap sometimes. I don’t feel like I belong to them anymore, like I’m their son.

I feel pushed away and abandoned.

I feel like closing the door and walking away.  With my newfound financial independency I’m having to really fight against that temptation.

Enter:Life

I am now officially employed by a company that can pay me a regular salary!

I’m both excited and terrified—for the same reason: it feels like life-life is beginning.

That is to say that I feel a stronger sense of responsibility for my future now.  Before it was just, “Let’s make it to the next crappy day.”

Now, however, it feels like I finally have a future to start preparing for.

Before it was, “Meh, I have the money in my account, and it’s shiny; I’ll buy it!”

Now it’s, “Hmm… I don’t know, I should probably put that money away for something more important.”

It’s an interesting feeling, both thrilling and terrifying, both enhungering [sic] and nauseating.

It’s a new experience that I hope I’m ready to take on.

Welcome All Again

If all goes well, I’ll have a steadily paying job as a software engineer.

It will be interesting juggling this job with the dance academy, but seeing as there’s a potential family start-up in my life, I need to lessen financial risks and fortify my financial stability.

I hope that the Academy won’t suffer. I teach in the afternoons, so I’m rather confident it won’t.

Anyway, good vibes my way would be appreciated. I both really need and really want this job.

Random Admissions x 2

i'm not especially convinced of primarily man-made global warming

The correlation between the sun's cycle and Earth's temperature is strikingly convincing to me that the primary cause of global warming is the sun.

Don't get me wrong, though. I believe, 100%, that we are crapping up the protection we have from the sun. I am all for taking care of and improving the environment.

I'm just not convinced we are the primary cause of global warming.

i worry about the taste differences between [gmb] and me

I love, love, love the sculpture on the right.

[GMB] pretty much hates it. His style is much more modern than mine.

He's also pro gay rainbow. I personally think it looks tacky and cheap.

That said, my worry is quite insignificant. I'm pretty sure we'd be able to find common ground were we ever to find ourselves decorating a house together.

For example, I think we'd agree on most things in the kitchen pictured below:

Day Ten Thousand

Today is my 10,000th day on Earth.

... maybe that's why I'm so blastedly exhausted all the time...

(500) Posts on Blogger

Well, this is actually my 503rd post... on greenly chalked.

I've had two [main] blogs before this one. The first was a blog titled something like LDS Eunuch. I started out as a hopeful celibate gay Mormon. Things, I thought were going fantastically... but the life that I had envisioned, the life that the Mormon leaders promised just wasn't the life that I was seeing.

Trying to understand how I could find a happy life as a gay Mormon (which direction I could go if not the one I was sincerely taking, the path dictated by the leader), I tore down LDS Eunuch and started to write under the blog, Chedner 101. Things progressed to the angry and bitter phase. By the end of Chedner 101, I was feeling quite finished with the church.

Not only did I feel like there was no room in the church for gays of any kind (except those who were hoping to become straight), I felt like nobody really wanted there to be room. I gave up, walked away, and started from scratch... which is where greenly chalked began.

I don't know if I've really had a purpose or theme to this blog. I've mostly just thrown my random thoughts out there. Perhaps I could say that it reflects my search for a purpose in my life; however, the latter search has been much less haphazard.

I have been extremely mindful of the choices I make. Each step is carefully analyzed to make sure they are not detrimental but are beneficial not just to me but to those with whom I share this life.

While I'm definitely still a "work in progress" (who isn't?), I can honestly say that I am pleased with who I am and with who I am becoming.

And my life, my purpose, is finally becoming what I had always envisioned (if not slightly 'physically' different--but the 'spirit' of my hopes and dreams are finally coming to fruition).

Merci à tous

Thanks everyone for your comments and emails (a few to which I still need to reply).

It is helpful to know that one isn't completely one's own.

I sent a revision, following the advice of removing the dramatic ending, of my last posted letter.

My parents haven't responded yet. I am extremely anxious.

I honestly don't know how I can be a member of my family as things are. Not being good enough for them is too damaging to my mental health.

... maybe I can learn to be okay being sub-par in their eyes...

It's just...

... so unbelievably painful knowing that my happiness, the best life I can live isn't good enough for 99.99324222% of the people who are the most important to me, that my life makes them uncomfortable.

I don't know if I have the energy for this anymore.

Dear Mom & Dad, (revision 1)

As I have mentioned before, I am completely at peace with God. I know what I am doing is what I should and need be doing, not just for my temporal but also my eternal joy.

I know that I am doing my best. If I make a mistake, then I'll learn from that mistake and move on. However, dating [GMB] has been quite the opposite of a mistake. He is one of the best things to happen in my life. He inspires me to be the best person I can be. He fills my heart with gratitude and love for life. He is a comfort and peace to me. I have felt absolutely no guilt or shame but the exact opposite in my relationship with him. The fruits of our relationship have been nothing but good.

I really am just doing my best, and I wish you could honestly see that.

I love you, I want to please you, and it hurts deeply to know that my best is not good enough for you. It's a pain that I simply cannot continuously bear.

I hope you will, at the very least, watch this clip from a movie based on a true story and sincerely listen to the final monologue: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHV9h7Lgvn8 .

... because such are the fruits of your words and actions; such is what your words are actions are doing to me.

Love,

Andrew Martin

Dear Mom & Dad,

[This is a proposed letter in response to my parents telling me, in a nutshell, that they cannot support me--because it "is a moral issue," based on "eternal principles." Your critiques are much appreciated; I do not want to make the situation worse.]

This is, indeed, a moral issue. For both me and you.

As I have mentioned before, I am completely at peace with God. I know what I am doing is what I should and need be doing, not just for my temporal but also my eternal joy.

I must and will live according to my own testimony. I must and will do what I believe is right and good. If I make a mistake, then I'll learn from that mistake and move on. However, dating [GMB] has been quite the opposite of a mistake. He is one of the best things to happen in my life. He inspires me to be the best person I can be. He fills my heart with gratitude and love for life. I have felt absolutely no guilt or shame but the exact opposite in my relationship with him.

The moral dilemma is no longer mine but yours as you decide whether or not you truly cannot support me.

Supporting me would not change and need not challenge your beliefs about eternal principles. You do not have to believe that I will make it to the Celestial Kingdom with my family.

Supporting me would mean that you support my choice to live according to my own testimony. Supporting me would mean truly seeing and loving me for who I am, letting the fruits of my life speak for themselves.

Supporting me would simply mean that you accept that I am merely doing my best in life.

I am merely doing my best in life. I really am, and I wish you could honestly see that.

I love you, I want to please you, and if my best is not good enough for you, then I will never be able to truly please you. It's for this reason--you not being able to see that I am sincerely doing my best--that I would have to separate myself from the family. I can't subject myself to such emotional abuse. It's not healthy for any of us.

But separation would ultimately be your choice and not mine. My choice is to live the happiest, healthiest, most productive and honest life I possibly can. Your choice is to accept my best or not. If you cannot accept my best, if I am unable to please you, then I quite literally (if I truly am seeking out the happiest, healthiest, most productive and honest life I possibly can) have no other decision than to leave the family.

I do hope you can support me. I hope you can accept my best.

Love,

Andrew Martin

An Organic Life

We have to recognize that human flourishing is not a mechanical process. It's an organic process.

~Sir Ken Robinson

Humans are not robots.

The End

True Love & Compassion

That I hurt

Would you hurt, too

Be it a prick

Or a wound that flows

The Nile

Would you wade with me

Through sorrow’s falls

Yet sail with me its gulfs

Or would you drink, instead,

The salted grief

That flows from me

As hurt

True love and compassion is more than just feeling sad when another person feels sad or feeling happy because another person feels happy.

True love and compassion is more than understanding why another person feels happy or sad.

True love and compassion is feeling sad for the exact same reasons another person feels sad; it is feeling happy for the exact same reasons another person feels happy.

It is sharing the emotions of the other person.

The opposite is taking another person's emotion and trying to make it your own, e.g.:

"You're happy because I made you happy."

"Your sorrow is making my life difficult."

"Your sorrow is my joy."

"Your joy is my sorrow."

In my experience, the last is the most difficult to bear as it takes a certain kind of haughtiness, one which feels especially cold and hollow, to pity someone else's joy.

That I joy

Would you joy, too

Be it a grin

Or a love that breaths

The Sky

Would you drift with me

Through mirth-y sighs

Yet fly with me its lofts

Or would you choke, instead,

The sweetened bliss

That breaths from me

As joy

Grammar

When it comes to grammar, I'm a conservative revolutionary. That is to say, I prefer to keep rules as they are unless they don't make logical sense, in which cases the rules need be reformed.

I'm wondering if I'm egotistical enough to write a guide for my version of English grammar.

I just may be.

[Working Title] - Chapter 1, Part 2 of 3

Part 1 Here

(I'm not in love with this section; I want to do some rehashing--which is one of the reasons why I've decided to share. By starting to actually share my writings, I hope to feel a stronger sense of responsibility to finish and polish my works.)

Chapter 1

part 2 of 3

Maurette gasped as Chaz crumpled to the ground. She looked to the Reissod with fear and uncertainty.

“He was Illing,” the King’s servant explained nonchalantly as he wiped his blade on his bright cape, “and you... well, you will come with me. We will find your sons – twins?”

Maurette was too stunned to answer. She had never heard of any illness, and she feared she, too, was infected. Worse, though, she feared her sons were also sick, alone, and abandoned by their crazed father.

“They were twin boys, where they not?” the old man repeated almost impatiently.

“Yes,” Maurette stammered, “... they must be Illing, too... deformed... I, am I sick?”

“The disease only infects grown men, an unfortunate side effect of Chiding,” the Reissod spoke uncaring-ly as he helped Maurrette to her feet and guided her outside. “Did you see where your husband disposed of your boys?”

***

Sunlight caressed Jaiden’s anaemic face as he lifelessly stared out of the large window in front of him. His heavy breaths fogged the glass. He rocked gently, tapping his forehead against the thick pane; his reflection thereon only slightly blurred the coldness in his dark eyes.

Nyxia, fighting back concerned tears, sat next to her husband and lovingly stroked his thin, pale neck. Their son, Tristan, was not phased. During the short three years of his life, this was the only way he knew his father: a skeleton of a man, alive physically but seemingly dead inside.

“Then we went to the park, and I played on the swings!” Tristan excitedly told Jaiden of his day.

Seeing the two together was especially difficult for Nyxia. Jaiden’s collapse into his conscious coma happened the same day they welcomed Tristan into their family.

“I had cotton candy ice cream,” Tristan’s golden-flecked eyes shimmered with excitement, “and mommy pretended to eat hers like a monster. It got all over her face!” He giggled.

Nyxia smiled. Although she cherished Tristan’s coy giggle, she sometimes wished he would have inherited Jaiden’s boisterous laugh. She missed that laugh dearly.

A stocky orderly knocked on the door, “It’s time.”

Tristan hopped down from his mother’s lap, kissed his desolate father on the cheek and glowingly whispered, “Bye, papa. I love you.”

Nyxia softly kissed Jaiden’s neck, took Tristan’s hand, and solemnly left Jaiden’s room in the asylum.

***

Maurette didn’t speak as she and the Reissod walked toward the Souteastern Mines where Chaz would spend his days. She had known the dimness of the corridors all of her life, but everything seemed especially dark as they searched for any signs of her children.

The Reissod’s long, slender strides made it difficult for Maurette to keep up. She was as tall and lanky as he; however, she was extremely malnourished and hadn’t much energy. Maurette’s stomach groaned and knotted. She keeled over, reaching for the rough wall of the corridor to break her fall.

The Ressoid pulled a piece of dried meat from a ruby-adorned pouch hanging from his hip and offered the food to Maurette. She shook her head defiantly, stood, and began walking as quickly as she could.

“Suit yourself,” the King’s Reissod said emotionlessly as he returned the meat to his pouch, “But don’t expect me to carry you if you are too weak to walk.”

Maurette was growing more and more feeble, but she refused to eat. Years ago she had vowed to eat only when absolutely necessary. She knew she could make it at least one more hour.

She tried to keep her mind off of her starvation by fantasizing about her son’s importance to the King. Perhaps, she hoped, her son would end the necessity of Tshawings.

Her stomach lurched even more nauseously. Tshawings. Children ordained to be eaten. Maurette knew one must eat to survive, and she knew the only known food was the Tshawings. She had never thought twice about it until after her womb was set apart for the production of nourishment.

***

“This is daddy building me a tree fort when he gets better,” Tristan nibbled on a cookie as he colored.

Nyxia had tried explaining to Tristan that his father’s situation probably wouldn’t improve. Tristan, however, insisted that his dad would soon “be all better so that we can all play together.” Instead of trying to remind him once again, she smiled at Tristan and then went back to arranging the flowers they had picked during their walk home from the asylum.

***

At first, Maurette felt honored as she was blessed by His Holiness, the King, to be a Tshawer, a bearer of sustenance. It was the night she and Chaz were married. She stood with the other Tshawers, all dressed in their pale grey leather gowns, as the King presented each with her unique emblem. The Tschawers would need to burn their emblems into the swaddling leathers of their Tschawings. To prepare, each woman would practice burning her emblem into scraps of leather during the three-day Chiding, the process to prepare the spouses’ loins for Tschawing.

Maurette found her markings particularly odd. Most emblems were straight lines, a triangle with diamonds touching tangent to each side, for example. Her emblem, on the other hand, held no straight lines. In the center was a circle. From the circle’s circumference grew many long half ovals.

***

Tristan hopped up on Jaiden’s bed and gave his father a big kiss on the cheek. “I drew this picture for you. And mommy and I picked these flowers for your room.”

Nyxia placed a glass vase filled with daisies on Jaiden’s night stand. The clear water sparkled in the sunlight coming in from the room’s large window. Everything shone and warmed in the day’s brightness, contrasting Jaiden’s cold and darkly fogged glaze.

***

A few days after Chaz returned from his Chiding, Maurette was pregnant with her first Tschawing. She swelled with honor. When the infant was born, however, that honor melted to uncertainty. Soon, uncertainty wilted to guilt and guilt to shame. She realized that she loved the being that had grown inside of her.

She thought she was going crazy. Tschawings were meant to be eaten, not loved. Nevertheless, her heart broke as the collector took her first born away. Ever since she only ate the minimum to survive.

Good News & Bad News

Good News

A Greek Tragedy was prevented.

Bad News

He's stuck with me for longer than he thought.

GMB and I sat down to talk last night.

It turns out we were sharing the same misconception.

I was hurting because I was considering leaving Utah were things to keep going well between us, but I didn't see him even considering staying. It seemed to me that I was more invested in the relationship than he.

He was hurting because he was considering staying in Utah were things to keep going well between us, but he didn't see me even considering leaving. It seemed to him that he was more invested in the relationship than I.

It wasn't until just last night that we both realized/revealed that we were/are both willing to discuss any option if and when the time presents itself.

To avoid sounding all sappy and corny, suffice it to say that I am very pleased that the misconception was cleared up before it was too late to do anything about it.

That would have been a tragedy, indeed.

[Working Title] - Chapter 1, Part 1 of 3

(This is part of a short novel I sometimes work on when I can't sleep. I have no intentions of trying to get published nor do I have delusions of being a great writer. I just write to entertain myself. Hopefully at least one of you will be entertained as well.)

Chapter 1

part 1 of 3

“That can’t be human,” Jaiden whispered.

“I ate one just like it yesterday,” Nyxia whispered back.

Jaiden’s eyes grew in disgust.

“It didn’t taste human. I wouldn’t recommend it.”

Jaiden’s eyes widened further. “You ate the whole thing?”

Nyxia burped nauseously, “I shouldn’t have...”

***

“Where are they?!” Chaz’s thick hands wound around his wife’s neck.

“I gave them to you...” his wife stammered, “... you said they couldn’t have been yours... you threw them out...”

Chaz’s violet eyes stuttered and searched the empty room. He hissed, “I would have remembered.”

“I didn’t... you...”

“I would have remembered!” Rusty bile pooled in the corners of Chaz’s mouth. He tightened his grip and lifted the woman off of the floor. “Where have you hidden them?”

Hanging in Chaz’s anger, the woman’s gaunt body shuttered limply in supplication to be released.

“Don’t be a martyr, Maurette. I know you’ve always been against Tshawings.” Chaz’s eyes narrowed into angry slits. “I want my sons.”

***

Nyxia looked ill. She groaned, “I don’t think these were bred to be eaten, whatever they are.”

Worriedly, Jaiden raised the small mass closer to the pale-amber lights of the cavern. Cysts covered the creature’s mildly grotesque figure. Most of the sores spluttered dark-greening blue pulses; two sparkled dully with a golden sheen... and blinked.

Nyxia pressed her fevered body to the cavern’s cool rock wall. Sweat bubbled from her quivering pores.

“I think it’s cooing.” Jaiden seemed oblivious to Nyxia’s plight. He stroked what he assumed to be the creature’s cheek. One of the cysts erupted, spewing its dim bluish pus into Jaiden’s haggard face.

In reflex Jaiden dropped the now writhing blob. It started to hum as it splattered on the ground; the rest of its cysts bursted in unison as the hum grew louder. Tiny pebbles avalanched from the ceiling as the buzz shook the cavern. The amber lights quivered to the increasing beat.

***

Three dull thuds sounded from the metallic door. Distracted, Chaz let go of his wife’s neck. Maurette fell to the ground and gasped in relief. Maroon blood dripped from her swollen lip. Chaz glared at her as if to say, This isn’t over. He opened the door.

A tall, meagerly old man stood at the threshold. “I’ve come to collect the Tshawings,” he announced.

Maurette stopped breathing completely; her eyes darted from the visitor to her husband and back again. Chaz’s glare remained focused on the old man.

“You aren’t the usual collector,” Chaz said dryly.

“No, no,” the old man replied, “I am the King’s Reissod. His Majesty has sent me specifically to collect this batch.”

Chaz’s stare only grew more frigid.

The Reissod continued, “You see, His Holy Eye has foreseen a particular importance in one of your sons. So, if you’ll please...”

Chaz turned menacingly toward his wife. His jaw clenched, “Where are they?”

“Please,” Maurette pled to the old man at the door, “I... Chaz, he took them away... said they were monsters.” If it were possible, she looked paler. Tears fell freely.

Chaz grabbed hold of Maurette’s thinning, silver hair and threw her at the servant’s feet. “She,” Chaz spat, “is hiding them. She doesn’t want them to be ordained Tshawings.”

“He’s mad!” Maurette pleadingly grasped onto the Reissod’s topaz leather garments. “I didn’t... he took them away...”

The old man looked harshly at Maurrette. His sunken cheeks and darkly circled eyes sharpened his glare. Slowly he drew his sword. Mercury-red light seemed to melt from the blade’s slick metal surface. With a deft swipe, the Reissod dampened the sword’s glow as lipid indigo blood slushed onto his regal garb.

***

“Kill it,” Nyxia moaned, her unbearable pain throbbing with the noise. Mossy vomit oozed from her nose. “... or me,” she added, “... that would be okay, too.”

Before he could do anything, Jaiden was blinded by a sharp flood of light, then nothing save silence and darkness remained.

Good News & Bad News

Good News

I'm back on the market (well, given some more time).

Bad News

... the bad news is kind of implicit.

The breakup was, I think, as ideal as a breakup could be. We're heading in different directions. Literally. I'm becoming more and more bound to Utah while he's off to grad school outside thereof.

While we still had about a year of both being in Utah, I thought it was best to end things now--for a few reasons, one of which being something coming up (or should I say back?) in his life that I knew he needed to pursue.

I teased him that it was for the sake of his memoirs (making for a story one often only finds in fiction), but really it was for the best chance for happiness (for both of us).

Naruto & Sakura sitting in...

... WTHack?

Speaking of hacking, there's something rather cathartic about hacking computer games and controlling the timers.

I've always hated being timed. Games. Tests. Life. Anything. Time limits plus my anxiety equal havoc on my health, physical and mental.

It doesn't help that everything in this world is timed. It sometimes drives me a little crazy (unfortunately in a little bit of a literal sense).

So, instead of going absolutely insane and ridding the world of clocks (or worse... damn sun), I control time in my computer games.

It's only fair.

(P.S. You're welcome, boskers; I know how much you love the gay undertones of Naruto.)

Break It Down

The biggest problem in this world is people who attribute the biggest problem in this world to one specific thing.

Why Gays Can't Be Exalted #1

worlds of only unicorns = not ecologically sound

I'm such a baby...

... when I'm sick.

Also, throwing up is especially no fun when all you have is bile in your stomach and duodenum 'cause you eliminated everything else and weren't able to get something back in in time 'cause you were curled up, unable to move, and praying for death for a few hours.

Also II, flu + depression meds = not so much absorption of the meds = extra not good.

And yes, I'm totally whining. I told you that I'm a baby when I'm sick.

In other news, I think my boyfriend is gay.

Blork

There once was a bird whose name was Blork. Blork was a friendly bird. One day it ate a pea and threw up.

The End

moral of the story: Peas are gross.

re: Rob's Recent Post

(which can be found here)

The core of what I ultimately told my parents:

All that I ask from you is that you sincerely pray to know whether or not you can trust me and how you should treat me (i.e. whether or not you should treat me and my future male spouse as you would treat any of your other children and their spouses). I will respect and honor whatever choice you make just as I hope that you will respect and honor the choices I am making.

It's made a big difference (compared to trying to reason with them, explaining my decisions). I believe the reason why it has been working so well so far is three-fold:

1. I make no threat to their beliefs;
2. the focus is on me as their son and how I'm doing in life instead of on a principle; and
3. I stand as an example.

Debating principles, I believe, is futile. Their stances will be sufficiently challenged as they watch me walk the path I'm taking. Therefore, it is necessary that they are watching... and they won't watch if they feel like I will constantly threaten and question the beliefs they feel are holy.

And asking them to pray about me, whether or not they can trust me, really puts the focus on watching me, where it ought to be.

They also know that if my future husband is not seen as part of the family as is any other sibling's spouse then they will lose me. My mother would not (could not) stand for that.

My approach has been working so well with my parents that I'm considering sending a mass email to my siblings with the same message.

Granted, this is my family. Not everyone reacts the same. But it is the approach that I recommend. Take it for what it's worth.

I have more thoughts, but I'm just not organized in thought right now

On Illegal Aliens

Last I heard, people had donated around $500,000 toward getting rid of illegal aliens in Arizona.

As I understand, one of the biggest arguments is that illegal aliens are stealing jobs.

... so, instead of people rallying together to donate $500,000 TO CREATE MORE JOBS (my dance academy, for example, currently has 8 positions that are currently volunteer positions because many people where I live cannot afford higher tuition prices for extracurricular activities), people have donated half of one million dollars toward forcing people out of this country.

Is this really how the world works? Racism, hatred, vitriol, finger pointing, back-stabbing, the list goes on forever and ever.

Really?

Why must people think, "Gee, there's a lack of jobs... I know, let's kick out the illegals!"

Why can't people think, "Gee, there's a lack of jobs... what can I do to create more?"

Why do people give money when they hear, "FAMILIES ARE UNDER ATTACK!!!!"

Why won't people give when they hear, "Tooele is a talent-rich but a rather economic poor county. Gangs are increasing (just look around at all the recent tagging). Drug use is common. There aren't a lot of affordable after school programs where kids can go and learn things that the school system is not able to teach and provide. As a nonprofit dance academy, our goal is to serve as one such a program; however, in order to provide the necessary scholarships to run the program, offering our services to any child regardless of financial situation, we need your help."

I'm quite disenchanted with people right now.

They seem quite content "burning witches" and completely ignore how to really help society become a happier, more productive entity.

Gritz

I have decided that it's time to really take my diet seriously. And by 'diet' I don't mean, "I gotsta lose weight," but "I gotsta eat more and more healthy food." I think it will help me sleep and regulate my clinical depression better.

So, if anyone has any recipes they'd like to share with me, I would greatly appreciate it.

For reference:

• I don't like pig (except italian sausage)
• I don't cook with onions (blech)
• I don't eat squash (except raw cucumbers)
• I don't like bananas and find apples boring
• I love peppers
• I love kiwi, pineapple, blackberries, raspberries, peaches, plums, and similar fruits
• I enjoy potatoes, carrots (raw or cooked), broccoli (steamed), green beans (steamed), spinach (raw)
• Panag curry is perhaps my favorite curry--I love curry
• Pasta is heaven
• Breads and cheeses are bliss
• Cooking with herbs and spices is love
• Grilling is preferred (as cleaning my stove-top is hell)
• Fresh is best; however, I don't buy into that organic pooplah

Please comment or email me with any recipes you think I might enjoy.

My gaunt cheeks are depending on you!

My First Kiss

... I guess all I can really say is, "I kissed a [boy], and I liked it."

Har-har.

Actually, to be honest, I was hoping that I would feel some guilt, some tinge that would tell me that everything my family believes about this 'issue' is true. It would have made everything so much easier. I would have been able to justify finding a girl and making it work with her -- thereby making my family the happiest.

But, nope. No guilt. There was no pinch of shame, whatsoever, no feeling like it need be kept secret/hidden.

... and you know what? Since our officialness, he was even included in my invitation to my nephew's wedding.

I think it's time I start giving my family more credit.

GMB & I

As I mentioned previously, A Gay Mormon Boy (aka GMB) and I are exclusively dating each other. Some have asked for details, but I think I'll leave the story telling to GMB's more capable talents.

Granted, this does mean a year's wait... but it'll be worth it, I'm sure.

Besides, I don't want to harp on the fact that I'm not available... I don't want to remind people of that heartache (I jest, I jest!).

In seriousness, though, I'm more keen on writing about personal progress, deep and/or shallow thoughts/philosophies, etc. as opposed to more specific details about my life. I try to keep such latter details as general as possible... mostly because my life is pretty dern boring. Heh.

That said, I do have some posts in mind that are related to my relationship with GMB. In fact, I think my next post will have to do with my first kiss...

Questions

My business partner took a loan out in her name (well, technically it was in the name of her business she had started to teach ballet before she partnered up with me) to help cover the costs of starting up our dance academy (which I believed I've mentioned in the past).

We've run into a little dilemma. Things with the Academy are going fantastic, no problems paying the loan or anything like that. It's just that her husband is feel a little frustrated because they don't qualify for a home because of their debt-to-income ratio (because of the aforementioned loan).

Anyway, I have two questions, seeing if anyone out there may be able to respond:

1. Would my friend be able to include the Academy's income as part of their household income? (The Academy is set up as a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation, and we presently aren't paying ourselves a salary so that the Academy can grow the most quickly.)

2. Is there anyone out there with (or who knows someone with) the appropriate resources willing to offer my Academy a private loan while we start looking for our sponsors? Banks are weird about loans to nonprofits (a for-profit corporation with the success we've been having would get a great loan while we qualify for nothing). Things are looking great for the Academy; we aren't having any problems paying the loan we have now, I'd just like to get it out of my friend's name so her family can buy a house.

We're still a few months away from seeking out sponsors and grants as I (the grant writer) am focusing on the IT stuff (i.e. website with online user accounts for the parents to pay and track their tuition and the students their choreography) right now.

Good News & Bad News

Good News

I've wrangled me up a boyfriend.

Bad News

This bloke's got to put up with me at least for a little while.

Distant Dreamer

I couldn't quite bring myself to watch the Tony Awards tonight (although I did record it).

It's been a dream of mine for quite some time to have my talents touch, in some way, the fabulousness that is Broadway. While I'm not a very good singer, I do consider myself a decent actor, and watching anything Broadway makes me all itchy to hitchhike to NYC to see if I can get my foot in the door somehow.

I've also been dreaming of taking a summer to get a pastry diploma from Le Cordon Bleu up in Ottawa Canada.

Perhaps none of these dreams will ever come true, but I've other dreams... which probably won't come true either... but at least I'm capable of dreaming, right?

I mean, there's got to be some perks to being delusional... right?

Threesome (explained)

I was jokingly referring to eating strawberries, chocolate, and cream cheese together as a 'threesome.'

I would only be in a sexual threesome for a lot of money (I jest, I jest!).

Threesome

Recently, a guy I've been dating turned me on to the idea of a threesome.

I know, I know what you all are thinking.

What can I say except:

I am not against--I encourage, even--enjoying strawberries, cream cheese, and chocolate all at the same time... that trois is welcome in my ménage anytime.

Geek Humor

Now that my classes are finished until mid-July, I am in programming mode for my dance academy.

In honor of such, I thought I would post a comic that I find rather drôle:

I am such a geek.

Now back to programming.

*Sigh* So much to do.

Speaking of Crazy

I have been extra crazy these past couple of days.

My insanity is screaming for a change of scene, to disappear and start my life over somewhere else.

It's not that my life's bad or anything. I guess I'm just hitting a patch of boredom. Sure I have a lot to do and what-not, but it's just drudgery.

I think I've lost most of my passion for everything that's been going on in my life right now, I've lost that spark of interest. Well, I'm quite passionate about my vision for my dance academy, but the whole problem of money is quite the spoiler.

I'm not sure how we're going to find the money to do what we need to do.

I wish I could say that I'm joking, but part of me is seriously considering finding a sugar daddy... is that bad of me? Admittedly, it's not the best route to take, but it sure would be a quick one.

Insanity

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

~Albert Einstein

This past year, I've really shaken up my approach to life. Some positive things have happened. Some not-so-positive things have happened.

But insane I am becoming less... well, depending on one's definition of insane.

I'm still pretty dern crazy.

Nonetheless, I am getting different results out of life than I had been. Who knows if they're better or worse than my previous results. Well... I guess not much can get worse to wanting to run a knife through your heart... perhaps I should say: Who knows if they're better than any other alternative changes I could have made, but I do enjoy life for the most part now.

And that is a positive thing, eh?

Swan Lake

For those of you who are interested, able, and close please come and support my dance academy this Saturday, May 22nd, at Stansbury High School (5300 N. Aberdeen Lane Stansbury, UT 84074), 7 PM.

We will be performing our abridged adaptation of the ballet, Swan Lake. I, personally, am dancing the role of Rothbart, the evil sorcerer--but it still should be a decent show, nonetheless.

It's $4/person or $11/family (parents/guardians + children).

3 AM Experiments

My body is kind of reacting negatively to my recent stress and overworkedness.

Today, for example, I slept until 3 PM, got up to teach until 7, and then crashed again until about 1 AM—not so great when you have a to-do list of a million and one empty check-boxes.

Thankfully I've been able to find ways to destress at least a little. Last night I had ice cream and watched Doctor Who with some friends.

I also remembered a destresser I had forgotten: baking (esp. experimenting with baking).

Right now, my peach-marbled brownies experiment is baking.

I hope it's a success. The batter sure was fabulous, if I may so brag.

More Than I'm Willing to Admit to Myself

One of my nieces was baptized into the LDS Church on Saturday. So I got to spend the morning with my family...

... and I think hanging out with my family was more difficult for me than I'm willing to admit, even to myself. I mean my 'nap' from 2:00 PM Saturday to 4:00 PM Sunday was more than just me being overworked, methinks.

I think I'm more bitter and angry and frustrated about feeling like I have to hide a part of myself from those with whom I'm the closest than I'm willing to admit to myself.

I think it hurts more than I'm willing to admit to myself to hear the jovial and excited, "When are we going to meet Teena's boyfriend? We're so excited for Preston and Hannah's engagement!" comments, thinking how they would feel quite the opposite about any such thing for me.

Instead of confronting these feelings, I'm just shutting down, lying to myself, pretending I'm not hurt. It's most likely not the most healthy thing to be doing.

It's probably a good thing I don't have a boyfriend right now; not being able to have invited him probably would have made things more difficult for me to ignore.

... speaking of lying to myself and boys, I was probably thinking how nice it would have been to have been offended that I couldn't have invited a certain someone to the baptism more than I am willing to admit to myself...

What the May?

How did May get here so quickly? I am not ready for this... argh.

Who knew being the CEO, President, Treasurer, IT department, design department, construction crew, ballroom director, ballroom instructor, tap director, and tap instructor of a rapidly growing nonprofit dance academy would be so exhausting and time & talent consuming?

Hopefully enrollment will grow sufficiently that it all won't be volunteer work come Fall. My piggy bank is empty... which means Magic 27th Birthday 5-27-2010 will have to cost $0.

Hmm... some may say, "Impossible!" to which I would append, "things are happening every day!"

And some would be all, "You did not just quote Hammerstein."

And I'd be all, "Uh, 'pretty sure I did; what are you going to do about it?"

Then some would trash me.

Sometimes I really dislike those some.

Hey Big Spender

... and I've been making some generous deposits this week.

Classic

As I've been playing around with poetry, I'm finding that I think I prefer writing formal poetry to free verse (not that I'm notable at either, but writing helps me in my lows--hence the gloominess of most of my poems).

I'm also finding that I especially enjoy playing with classical metrics.

With my current work-in-progress, 'As Man, As King,' I'm using iambic trimeter, but allowing the first foot to become either a cretic or molossus and the last either an amphibrach or antibacchius (yes, I have my reasons for such). I'm also using a very simple rhyming scheme.

My goal and challenge is to avoid sounding bouncy and rhyme-y, toward which iambic feet and simple rhyming schemes (especially with few feet) tend.

This is how I often de-stress... I am such a nerd.

One day you're in, the next day...

... you're out.

I woke up this morning to that familiar asphyxiating voice, taunting with the alarm, "You can't do this, you can't do this, you can't do this..." Trying to ground myself, I closed my eyes and reached out with my other senses.

I listened; rain almost deftly flicked the windows. I felt; gravity wrapped its arms around me and pulled my body into the softness of my bed. I smelled; vanilla and lavender crept, whirled and massaged the air around my nostrils. I tasted; I should have brushed after my late night snack.

I felt; my gentle sheets caressed the cold bareness of my back as I pulled the covers over me. I listened; the alarm again taunted, "You can't do this, you can't do this, you can't do this..."

"I can't do what?"

"Life."

"I'm doing just fine, great even. Look how productive I was yesterday. The ticket and poster designs are fabulous, the databases are coming along well. Things are great."

"It's not worth it. You can't do this. It's all going to go to crap."

"What's going on? Did I miss my meds?"

"You're worthless. Alone. Look around you. Nobody. You can't do this."

Ten more minutes and I had to be heading to the studio for my first class of the day. I traced my breaths in and out of my lungs. I focused on each nose hair, feeling, imagining them sway. Lavender and vanilla clouded around me, trying to push away the smoggy thoughts. Gravity worriedly hugged me closer into the safety of my bed. My sheets nuzzled me with concern. Five more minutes.

Trembling, though not visibly, I got out of bed, letting the cold hardness of the wood floors drown out the "... you're alone, nobody's on your side... worthless, alone, worthless, alone..." thoughts. My neighbor's clanking masked the "... you can't do this, you can't do this, you can't do this..." thoughts.

And for the rest of the day, I would and will have to live in the immediate present, no past, no future, just smells and feels and hears and sees and tastes.

Dear [Him],

Please stop smiling and blushing like that. It's not good for me and my goal and efforts to get over you.

Oh, and what have you done to [BFF]? She is now convinced that you and I were made for each other. Please let her know that it will never be. I'm far too busy convincing myself of such that I have neither the time nor energy to focus on [BFF].

Sighing-ly,
[Me]

Blargh !

It's inevitable.

Every time I finally convince myself that I'm over [Him], something eventually happens that reminds me that I'm just lying to myself.

Sometimes I worry (quite a bit) that I will never be over him and that the guys I've been dating -slash- will date don't really have that fair of a chance with me, all because of [Him].

~sigh~

Dear Andrew at 18,

(as per Rob's request)

You're a homo. Get used to it.

Loves,
Andrew Martin

Yes, Please

I hope he doesn't mind sharing a bed with my marzipan husband.

Dear 3 AM,

I know we've been great pals for the past few years. You've been there, without fail, whenever I've been at my lowests.

It's gotten to the point, however, that I must subconsciously think I need you, even when I'm not feeling depressed. Okay, okay, today was a rather low day for me and for no apparent reason, really. Clinical depression sure is a pain, n'est-ce pas ?

Aren't you getting tired of it, though? I mean, I know I am.

And... well, to be blunt, I'm afraid you're sort of enabling things here. Whenever my depression whispers that I'm a worthless failure at everything I do, you just sit there, ticking along... enjoying that I'm here with you?

Don't get me wrong, though. It's not like we've never had any fun together.

Perhaps I'm saying that it's time that we focus on the fun times, yeah?

Sure, this would mean less time together... but it would also mean that the time we do spend with each other would be healthier and much more enjoyable for the both of us.

Sleep is essential for me right now. Responsibility frequents my abode much more often these days than in the past... things just can't keep going as they are now.

I need my space from you for a little while. However, I do promise that we will have some fantastic times together in the future.

Much Love and Gratitude,
Andrew M. Pankratz

...

What have I gotten myself into?

My proverbial plate is so full (as is my 'tummy') that I don't know how I'm going to do everything that needs to get done. It would be helpful if my body weren't begging for a six month hibernation... yet, when it is time to sleep... nothing.

Perhaps it's time for me to take something off my plate, but what?

My slowly growing social life?

... it is the only thing not bound to financial responsibility right now... and I am naturally a hermit...

Do I dare increase the odds that I will end up as the eccentric old man living alone on the top of the hill? Would that be so bad, if bad at all? It has been a future I've always considered. Nikola Tesla is my hero, after all. It's too bad I'm not as brilliant as he.

I'm perhaps as crazy as Tesla.

Heh. Insane without the genius... ah man...

Oh well, as for right now, I'm going to go take a bubble bath in the dark (perhaps with some candles... oOo, sexay...) whilst I listen to Chopin's Mazurkas.

Moral of this Post: I think I'm in love with both Chopin and Tesla.

Grumblings and Mumblings

Ugh... I am burned out. Even in some of my dreams, I'm sitting and staring at walls, wondering where the hell I'm going to get the energy to do everything I need to get done.

Oh, my sweet little subconscious-self... he's doing what he can, trying to take care of things while I'm sleeping. Poor fool doesn't realize that putting gas in the car, for example, in a dream doesn't put gas in the car in real life.

He also doesn't realize that it makes me a little grumpy that I have to do all those mundane tasks again, for real, after I wake up.

Really, subconscious-self, why can't you dream of extraordinary adventures? Why must you dream about taking out the trash, cleaning the kitchen, and doing laundry? Are you angry with me? What have I done to upset you? How can I make it up to you?

Speaking of grumpy, though, I'm wondering if it's "that time of month" for me. Everything is pissing me off. Of course, my "pissiness" is really just me being extra cynical and sarcastic, which some find quite entertaining. I'm usually not a mean grump, which I like about myself.

Although, I do get über insecure about things when I'm in such a mood...

... sometimes I feel like such a girl...

Ugh

I've decided that I need to get out of this small town of drabbery where I live for a little while.

Unfortunately, I won't really have any free time (other than weekends) until the end of May.

... maybe I'll plan a road trip to Canada for my birthday...

Indeed.

Magical Birthday 2010, Option Alpha: Road Trip to Canada.

Any other ideas?

In Lighter News

(can you tell I'm avoiding work today?)

I just listened to Lady Gaga's song, 'Teeth' (no, it's not the first time I've heard it)... it gave me... ideas.

... shame on you Lady Gaga...

Other gay songs I've been enjoying lately: 'Boys Boys Boys' & 'Devil Made Me Do It'

Admittedly, I've been racking up some serious gay points lately... I'm not so worried about losing my membership anymore. Granted, I still have to fill out all those reports and send them into Gay-Quarters... ugh... is there no end to bureaucracy?? This damned agenda is almost more work than it's worth.

Well, I guess I should go back to choreographing things I can teach my students... *sigh*

The Gesture I Needed

My little brother invited me to Priesthood Session today.

I declined.

He then invited me to dinner afterward.

This was just what I needed for me to know things are going to be okay between my family and me. I don't feel like I need to send any letter now.

I'll stick to my original plan, to simply live my life and let them come to me if they have any questions or concerns.

Dear Family,

(version 2.1)

I've recently found that there is still a lot of concern about me. While I don't know if this concern is shared by all, most, or just a few of you, I do understand why you are worried. In complete honesty, I appreciate your desires for me to be happy, not just in this life but in the next.

Perhaps there's not much I can do to help ease your anxieties over me and my decision to date guys. All I can offer is to honestly say that I feel nothing but encouragement from God, a sense that He is pleased with the direction I am heading in life.

I am personally no longer burdened by being gay. I am no longer conflicted. I am confident with my decisions and relationship with God. Never before have I felt His love so strongly for me than I do now.

There is nothing I do, specifically something so heavy as pursuing a husband, without that solemn, peaceful, godly hand on my shoulder guiding me in the direction He would have me travel, being genuinely willing to travel anywhere He would have me go.

Come judgment day, I will happily stand before God and present my life—the good, the bad, the zany, the mundane, the tender, the awkward, the romantic, the heartbreaking—covering nothing up with the sincere testimony that my greatest intent was to live a life pleasing to Him.

Like you for me, I care for you. I love you. I want you to be happy and healthy. Life is stressful and burdensome enough as it is, I truly don't want you to be burdened by my decisions. There is no reason to be; although, as I said, I do understand where you're coming from, why many of you are concerned. I pray that you will receive the same comfort I have received concerning my decisions.

Love,
Andrew Martin

Dear Family,

(version 2.0)

I've recently found that there is still a lot of concern about me. While I don't know if this concern is shared by all, most, or just a few of you, I do understand why you are worried. In complete honesty, I appreciate your desires for me to be happy, not just in this life but in the next.

Perhaps there's not much I can do to help ease your anxieties over me and my decision to date guys, but I can offer my sincere testimony that I feel nothing but encouragement from God, a sense that He is pleased with the direction I am heading in life.

I am personally no longer burdened by being gay. I am no longer conflicted. I am confident with my decisions and relationship with God. There is nothing I do, specifically something so heavy as pursuing a husband, without that solemn, peaceful, godly hand on my shoulder guiding me in the direction He would have me travel, being genuinely willing to travel left, right, straight ahead, etc.

While I know my testimony challenges your paradigms, I also know that it is your duty as devout followers of Christ to judge based upon the fruits one's decisions bring instead of the array of options you believe are or aren't possible.

Please understand that I am not asking for acceptance. My only desire in writing and sending this letter is to promise you that if you look at me (I mean sincerely look at me, who I am, and feel the intentions of my heart) then you will receive the same comfort I have received. Such unparadigmed [sic], unfiltered eyes are the pure love of Christ. Such is the only kind of love I can accept as true love for me.

Like you for me, I care for you. I love you. I want you to be happy and healthy. Life is stressful and burdensome enough as it is, I truly don't want you to be burdened by my decisions. There is no reason to be.

Love,
Andrew Martin

What Do I Hope to Accomplish?

As with all the other comments, JGW's comment, "I'm just curious what you hope to achieve with this letter... It sounds like your family already all know you're gay... It sounds like you're asking them to approve of you dating guys," has me thinking about some things... specifically how to better word my letter to make known my intentions.

Revisions to my letter pending.

As for right now, though, I've some programming to do...

Maybe I should wait?

Considering the comments on my letter to my family, I'm wondering if I should hold off sending anything until I have a boyfriend.

On one hand, it gives me more of a reason to send something. It makes it more real, taking it out of realm of theory and what-ifs and putting it into the "I have a boyfriend, how are you going to treat and see him?"

On the other hand, who knows when I'll get a boyfriend.

On the foot, what's the rush?

Sure, I want my family to know that I'm not struggling with being gay. There's no conflict left in me. Although, the more I think about it, the more I feel that I should wait until I have something more concrete for them to consider.

I'm becoming a rather patient person. While I still have pings of wanting to push and prod things along with my family, I think I can handle just going with the flow as I do with most things in life.

... of course, my laissez-faire attitude has backfired a few times before...

Dear Family,

(I would very much appreciate any input, suggested revisions, etc. before I send this out to my family.)

I sincerely hope you all know how much I love, respect, and admire each of you. I do appreciate your concern for me and my choices in regards to being gay.

Many, if not all, of you I'm sure are worried that I am heading down the wrong path. I wish I could take that burden from you. All I can really do is try to assure you that my decisions are not made with my genitals and hormones but with a sincere desire to do what is right for me, not just for this life but also for the next.

Years were spent in earnest and sincere prayer, meditation, fasting, scripture study, et al. as I sought to know what I should do. I was, am, and will always be genuinely willing to do whatever I feel inspired to do, no matter what it may be. I trust my relationship with God.

I no longer struggle with anything 'being gay'-wise. I am dating guys. I no longer have virgin lips... and [I]n my sincere seeking to understand God's will for me, I have felt absolutely nothing but encouragement and a sense that God is pleased with me and the direction my life is heading.

While it has troubled me that you struggle with my decisions, most likely not trusting the sincerity of my intentions, words, or testimonies, I have decided that I have done all I can to help you with your burden concerning me.

Now the struggle is yours. I will continue to do everything I can to help you through this struggle... though, like I said, all I can do is be completely open and honest with you. Again, it's up to you now. I will not try to force any dialogue. I will not try to force any decision.

I will respect any decision you make, even if it means that you won't be at my wedding (if I end up finding Mr. Future Hubs), if I can't attend family gatherings because my boyfriend or husband wouldn't be invited, etc. Yes, it will be painful for me. I'm sure tears will be shed on my behalf, but I understand that respect is a 'two-way street,' so to speak. I can't expect you to respect my wishes of being treated as any other sibling regardless of whom I love, date, and marry if I don't respect your desire to keep me at a distance because you cannot support my decisions.

That being said, I do hope that those I date will be treated the same as those anyone else has dated or is dating. I do hope that the person I end up marrying will be treated and seen the same as any other in-law. If it doesn't end up happening, then I'll deal with that pain the best I can.

Again, I love you all dearly. I hope and pray for the very best for each of you and your families.

Love,
Andrew Martin

Butch

Recently, I went to an auto salvage yard, got me a taillight for my car, and installed it myself.

Yeah, I'm pretty butch.

Okay, okay, so it didn't even require any tools, just the pure power of my hands.

Admittedly, my recent 'butchness' pales in comparison to my last summer adventure of building my own sprung dance floor out of scratch, mostly by myself.

Yeah, I'm pretty butch, indeed.

(now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take a nice, warm, exotic cherry blossom bubble bath)

My Spring Break Needs

I need:

• to renew my car registration;
• to program a custom accounting program for my dance academy;
• to finalize my Tango and Paso Doble choreography;
• to install the trim on my dance floor;
• to make my wings;
• to cut one more song;
• to design tickets;
• to finally get things ready for my web programmer;
• to get caught up on my curriculum;

• ... to relax and have fun??
  

Underoos Panty-kratz

Warning: This post may cause you to visualize me in my underwear... not that you haven't already*

I had a few hours to kill today, so I decided to walk aimlessly around a few stores. In my not-even-window-shopping, I noticed the wall of Underoos in Target.

Reminded of the nickname (referring to the title of this post) my sister, Teena, had haphazardly given me a few years ago, I perused the selection.

"Oooh, Spider-Man Boxer Briefs."

[eyes widen]

"GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PRINTS?!"

(reading package of largest size) "...hmm... I weigh more than twice that much, and my waist is almost 6 inches larger..."

About $6 and 20 minutes later, I'm in my sister's bathroom squeezing into my first pair of Underoos in perhaps 20 years... realizing as I look into the mirror that I had finally bought a pair of underwear that may just let me keep my gay card.

Rise: Über-Low
Goods: Smashed
Novelty: Off the Charts

In related news: I have, for the first time in my life, been thankful for my small derrière.

*I jest ; calme-toi !

Dangerous

Teaching kiddos is a dangerous job.

I swear this is like my hundredth cold (or whatever this evilness is) this year.

... one more class, and then I'll be able to go to bed...

Degrees of Accomplishment

A recent experience reminded me that I have a "degree system" for my goals.

I guess the best way to explain what I mean is to give an example:

Base Goal:
Make BYU's Ballroom Team

• First Degree - Make team before graduation.
• Second Degree - Make team first year trying out.
• Third Degree - Be told by one of the dance instructors that I should try out.
• Fourth Degree - Be invited onto team without trying out.

I accomplished this example goal to the 3rd degree, it being only one of three that has gone so far. One of those three surpassed the fourth degree (not only did I take state in dramatic interpretation with a perfect score, my nose started to bleed at the most perfect of times as I was performing my piece--Jekyll & Hyde--for the medal round).

Now, I don't actually sit down and think out specific conditions for the degrees of my goals. I merely set the base goal, and then, once I've accomplished my goal, I tend to evaluate to what degree it was accomplished.

And I'm always more than happy accomplishing my goals to the first degree.

Waiting Until Marriage (Reprise)

On Friday one of my older brothers visited and told me, "I know you can change if you just wanted it." As he 'bore his testimony,' I realized, remembering wanting to change more than I needed water, that my family is going to see what they want to see, no matter what I do.

What does this have to do with waiting until marriage?

Well... I have failed to admit (even to myself) the real reason why I felt like I should wait until I was married before I had sex.

I wanted to use my premarital chastity as bragging rights, to be able to use it as ammunition against my family and any other naysayers.

... I also felt that I had to prove my worth to them... and to God...

It was all based on feelings of fear and worthlessness.

So I took last night (and I mean the entire night) to analyze, evaluate, ponder, meditate, and pray.

In such, I realized that I had nothing to prove. My family will think whatever they think. God is guiding me, step by step, and will warn me when I'm stepping over the bounds of what I should be doing.

Thus, I realized that the most important thing I should do, not just with sex, is keep my personal connection with God strong and listen to His guidance.

In whole, this experience has brought me even more peace, comfort, and has removed yet another weighty burden from my shoulders.

Plain and simple is this plan which has never let me down.

Although...

... I did kind of lose a friend...

The good... the bad...

... the Monkees

As cruddy as the last few days were, they have opened up some dialogue between my parents and me.

I'm hoping it will continue to be positive, especially now that I am no longer bitter or angst-ridden toward the LDS Church... now that I have a much more level head on my shoulders than last I talked with my parents about me being homo and my choices therein.

... I sometimes forget that shit is the original fertilizer... and I grewed up on a crop farm...

chicken crap smells the worst

WTHeck?

OMGosh, karma, what the hell did I do to deserve the bitch slap that has been this weekend?

By the way people are treating me, it's like I've been kicking orphans for fun...

One of *Those* Days

Well, today started off like crap.

The day has just begun, and I'm already ready for it to be over.

That's always nice.

Oh sweet, a new episode of Scrubs.

The day is looking up already.

Deal Breakers of the Second Variety

I spent the evening tonight with my life-long friend (seriously, we were basically best friends when our mothers were pregnant with us) and his wife.

As I was driving home, I decided that I'd like Mr. Future Hubs to be able to get along with them. So much so that I think it would be a deal breaker if the four of us couldn't enjoy an evening together just sitting around, shooting the breeze (people still use this idiom, yes?).

I've also decided that my 'bff' Sarah will need to approve of Mr. Future Hubs. She's a good judge of character and has become one of the greatest supports and supplements to my life.


I'm still debating on "being able to dance really well."

On one hand, I'd very much like to be able to dance the Rumba full out with someone, and I don't think I could do that (let such barriers down) with anyone except a luvuh; however, on the other hand, I don't know if that's a requirement, how important it is to me...

... there are a few other possible deal breakers that I'm debating as well...

One of Those Days

It's been one of those "a little under the weather, nothing major, but enough to just want to stay low-key" days.

Although I've become content with the possibility that I may never meet Mr. Future Hubs*, on days like this I do think that it would be really nice to have a significant other to cuddle up with and watch a movie.

But tonight it's looking like it's just me, a blanket, a pillow, Spencer Bear (my teddy bear I've had since I was almost 3), some dark hot chocolate with chocolate raspberry creamer, and either Precious or Pan's Labyrinth.

While not as appealing as cuddling with a 'luvuh,' I think it'll do tonight.

*I honestly do not say such in any sort of cynical way. I just think it's logical that I should prepare for this possibility.

Replacing Sushi

For the past two or three years, I've had three goals that aren't really vital to my life--meaning, I don't need to accomplish these goals in order to feel like my life was worthwhile.

The goals:

1. Learn how to swim;
2. Go camping for the first time; and
   
3. Try sushi

Now that I've tried sushi, I'm thinking of replacing the third goal with another not-really-necessary goal... you know, always keep three such goals replenished throughout my life.

After thinking of several possibilities, I've decided that my new goal is [drum-roll]:

• Go on a road-trip to Canada
  

Clinical vs "Common" Depression

Preamble: As I am apt to do, I am using my own terminology, not necessarily "the standard."

If I had to curtly explain the difference between what I clinical depression and what I call common depression, it would be thus:

With common depression, the negative thoughts are created by an event (i.e. a death of a loved one).

With clinical depression, the negative thoughts, while often triggered by an event, are created by a chemical imbalance.

Counseling is beneficial for both types of depression, in my opinion. Medicines, on the other hand, I feel are best suited for clinical depression and could possibly worsen common depression by messing with the body's chemicals when it is simply reacting as it should.

One needn't be too astute to realize that perhaps the greatest difficulty in treating depression lies in realizing whether or not the depression is based upon circumstance or a chemical imbalance triggered by circumstance.

I, personally, used to believe that my depression was mostly circumstantial.

Until last year.

Everything was going great. My future looked amazing^4. Then, one night as I was walking to my room ~SCHTUK~ I was done with life.

I had no reason to feel depressed. I had no reason to want to give up. Indeed, quite the opposite was true.

Nonetheless, I didn't care about anything. The positive didn't matter. The lack of negative didn't matter.

If you were to have asked me, "If you could steal away to anywhere, where would you go?" I would have answered, "Six feet under."

... I was once again tied up by depression.

Pensif

Lately I've been keeping my blog mostly light-hearted, maybe even "fluffy" if you will.

I've been avoiding my deeper pensive moments, mostly because such have been on the topic of clinical depression... and I didn't want to sound all 'emo.'

But a few people have recently asked me what I think about/what it's like when I'm low and how/why I hit lows.

So maybe it's time I talked a little more in depth about this gig called depression...

Homo No mo'

I've decided I'm straight from now on.

This whole homosexual thing is... well... it's kind of gay.

...

... oops, I just squealed "yay!" with a queer shoulder shrug of joy when I saw that the newest episode of Project Runway's seventh season is finally up online... I'm not off to a very good start...

Sc-uh-roo it...

I was going to title my posts after each track on Jamie Cullum's latest release... but I don't like it enough to do so.

So, screw it.

I've been in a "screw it" kind of mood all week.

I think I'll make me some Naan tomorrow.

(That's right... with a capital N!)

If I Ruled the World

... or reasons why I'm not...

• we would hibernate for 6 months every year;
• nobody would know what the hell was going on;
• I would get marzipan for free;
• actually, there wouldn't be any money;
  
• education would be top priority;
• they would make clothes for short, petit guys;
• I would live in a small castle with amazing gardens;
• criminals wouldn't go to jail but have to walk on all fours (they would be fixed with an apparatus to force such);
• haute couture would be the common dress; and
  
• everything would be open during the night.

p.s. I decided to go with a separate blog for my poetry and choreography.

Wheels

It's time to "put the top down" on my car and get over my shirtless-in-public-phobia.

I'm thinking this phobia is probably residue from my gym-class days, having associated being shirtless with being vulnerable, turned on in a way that I was not supposed to be.

Much like I've been cleaning up the muck from my resent house-flood, I need to clean up the muck resulting from the clogged mains of gay Mormonism.

I'm All Over It

Getting back home after teaching I thought to myself, "Self, it's time to start cleaning the carpets and mopping the floors!"

... so I'm writing on my blog...

Not that I have anything to say, really.

I just want to... sit in this horrible smell...

... now that I put it that way...

Just One of Those Things

My house smells wonderful right now... like fifty wet towels that have been lying around for a week.

Tree roots attacked the main line, and the basement flooded.

Now I need to clean my carpets like cows need to cud their food.

... tonight, I fear, is going to be a long night...

At least I can use the plumbing again.

♪Hi♫

Hi
Dear blogulas. Andrew is taking a nap.
You may remember my coolness from ?2? weeks ago.

Anyhways, I got stuck in SL,UT on Fridays and watched a movie with some bums. & Utah bums are a whole lot nicer than some other bums I've met. A Whole Lot.

Speaking of movies, check out shaolin grandma . We just watched it, and I must say it is an ~awfully~ good movie.

----------

Le water main is blocked right now, and its made for a naztecs weekend. I'm waiting for the plumbers to come and fix it, so I can shower.

♥Bye everybody & Stay Cute!♥

-----------

PS I did not Infiltrate. This is totes magotes with permissions. If cheds says otherwise he is a sneaky snake.

Also saxophone is still not gross.

-----------

PPS This is Andrew now. E-mail me for a good time.
____________________
[Just kidding. hes still nappin.]

Adieu

Twisting grief around the shine of metallic end and
Listing lives in bullet points, unsafetied errors tally marks
of blooded dreams and
lame awakes
No more to shine in
but sooted smoke

~Dedicated to those who are lost in the hollow smog of ignorance~

Post Daemon Today...

Firstly, this song would make for a fantastic goof-off make out session (at least it does in my mind).

Secondly, official video... Duffy, you should hire me for choreography. For part of my c.v. you can expect a post-bronze/pre-silver open int'l cha cha cha to this song posted on my blog soon. (I hope you don't mind me using the song to help advertise what my kids will be able to do after my bronze latin class; if you do, just let me know.)

[talking to myself] ... actually, I think I'm going to create another blog just for my poetry and choreography. Not everybody enjoys such things... I guess readers can just skip over such posts if they so desire... hmm... we'll see.

In the meantime, my latest poems:

English

Ash, the color of his sputum
The vilest heart condemns him
To this unforgiving blood

French

On sait jamais
les mots
quand on n’aime plus

Les histoires
sont belles
mais ne sont plus

Et la tristesse
y reste
malgré ce bonheur

Pourtant quand on
aime fort
Il n’y a que la lune

La brillance
plus fort
que le soleil même

La révérence
en l’amour
Vaut bien la peine

De sa mort

mostly literal translation:
You never know
the words
When you no longer love

History
is beautiful
But is no more

And sadness
remains
despite that happiness

However, when one
loves strongly
there's only the moon

Its brightness
even stronger
than the sun

Its reverence
in love
Is worth the penalty

Of its death

RE: Happy to Be Gay?

This is a response to boskers's* post, "Happy to Be Gay?"

Just as I attribute being a living organism equally to my heart, lungs, et al., I attribute who I am equally to being short, absent minded, gay, et al..

It's my philosophy that all things contribute, in a way, to each other, culminating the being.

That is to say, I don't see anything "simply as another characteristic," compartmentalizing traits like I used to separate the food on my plate, not wanting the items to touch, when I was younger.

Relating such to happiness, I believe segregating one's traits creates a situation similar to what is said in Matthew 6:24, "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."

Happiness comes in accepting everything of oneself as oneself, no trait greater than or really separate from another; otherwise, one will tend to love one trait and despise another.

This includes our weaknesses.

Like I tell my students, one needs to accept and be happy with where one is. Such does not mean one should never expect to improve, but understanding where one can be, what one can become, must neither negate nor degrade where and who one is.

Otherwise, one's progress and happiness are impeded.

*yes, I add an apostrophe-s to singular nouns that end in s.

Just What I Needed

I just spent the last hour in my dark room, snuggling in my covers and listening to Rockferry as a cold chill bled everywhere from the open windows.

... it was... delightful...

Thanks, Mr. Haws for the introduction.