Magical Birthday

This year marks my super magical, special birthday of supreme wonder and awe.

That's right, I turn 27 on 27 May.

I usually never look forward to my birthday. Ever since after elementary school, it's pretty much been just another day to me. Don't get me wrong, though, I don't mean that in an sort of Eeyore tone, just that matter-of-fact-purely-logical Chedner tone.

For some reason, however, I'm looking forward to my birthday this year. I don't know why. I've really no specific reason to.

I've actually been feeling rather optimistic about 2010 in general.

I'm hoping that this just may be the year it all starts to come together.

The future for my Academy is looking fabulous (and promises not only to be an enjoyable career but one that will be able to provide for my future family down the road).

I'm starting to become a little more social (who knows, maybe I'll even meet someone who's both available and interested in dating me).

I'm dealing with my clinical depression in a more realistic way (another hurdle, I've decided, is being able to handle life with someone who will most likely be dealing with major depressive and general anxiety disorders for the rest of his life).

Even considering my insomnia³, my physical health has never been better (I'd still like to gain ~15-20 lbs, but I've also never been more content with my size as I am now).

And it all starts the year of my magical birthday.

... hmm... I'm thinking this optimism could be dangerous.

I mean, what happens if I'm all Pollyanna-ing life and ~SMACH~ the Academy crumbles and/or I am shunned by all my friends and/or my depression reaches a low of epic proportions and/or I develop some disease that wastes me away to absolutely nothingness, throwing me into financial ruin?!

I've been optimistic about a year or two before, and they never really were that great.

Yeah, I think I better find my old pessimistic self.

That way, I'll either get what I expect or be quite pleased.

This year and my birthday are going to suck dry sewage.

To be or not to be...

... a hermit.

Admittedly, I enjoy my alone time.

But these past few weeks I've been a little more social than I usually am, and... I think I'm liking it.

Granted, my 'social outings' involve small numbers of people. Outings with lots of people... not really a fan.

And, living in the middle of nowhere, the outings begin and end with a long-ish drive of alone-ness... well, I guess I often invite Diana Krall or Jamie Cullum or Chopin or Don Juan or the likes along for the drive.

Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I should start trying to be more social, even if it's just a little bit.

Then again, meeting new people runs the risk of me finding new addictions... thanks a lot boskers for the recommendation of The Vision of EscaFlowne; I probably won't sleep until I've seen the entire series.

... speaking of which...

Pankratz X

I've decided that, out of all of my ten siblings, I'm the coolest.

Being the tenth child, I lay claim to the title: Pankratz X

I am the penultimate child.

I am the penultimate boy.

My first name is the only one that starts with a vowel.

I'm the one who took the gay bullet.

... yeah... I'm pretty much the coolest...

(yes, this post is very much tongue-in-cheek)

Dear Sleep,

Who needs you?

I obviously don't.

You're a jerk, you know that, right? The way you shamelessly flirt with me and then disappear without even telling me when you're coming back, it's despicable.

I hope you're happy being with all those other people every night and not me. You're missing out. You know the kinds of dreams I have.

Yeah, well... no more, punk! From now on it's just daydreaming for me. I have more control over those, anyway.

I don't need you. I don't need your drama. Why did I even put up with you for so long?

You know you'll never find a guy whose dreams are even half as entertaining as mine. But, whatever, do what you want. I couldn't care less.

-Andrew

My First Crush

There's two significant 'first crushes' in my life: my first "innocent" crush and my first "I'm in love" crush.

My first "innocent" crush befell me when I was seven. I was sitting in church, of all places. A boy was visiting and I remember staring at him and trying to figure out what was going on inside my mind. I decided I just "really wanted to be friends" with him.

Such was how I viewed my crushes on boys until [Him].

~sigh~

[Him].

So many times I had "convinced" myself that I was over him... but the bastard keeps finding his way back into my heart.

Speaking of deal-breakers... my future hubs will have to, obviously, get me over [Him].

That's right, I still have yet to get over the blaggard.

Damn [Him]!

Good ol' BYU

I went to BYU this evening--or last night, if you want to be technical--to meet and support another blogger (great job, by the way) at the ballroom class labs (as well as to evaluate how my bronze level students would hold up against bronze level BYU students).

To be honest, I had mixed feelings being back there, especially watching ballroom. Part of me actually wants to go back, but most of me is very glad I left.

But I did realize a couple of things:

I am Not a "Dancer"

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that I'm swearing off dancing or that I don't think I'm good at dancing.

What I mean is that I don't take myself seriously on the dance floor. I dance for enjoyment, to entertain, and because... well... because I am good at it. It's a talent that I enjoy developing.

Before I am a dancer, though, I am by far a teacher and entrepreneur.

However, dance is the perfect string to tie the teacher and entrepreneur parts of me together. It is much more marketable than anything else I would love to teach (such as French, Philosophy, Creative Writing, Math, Logic, or Computer Programming).

And even though the technique curriculum is the same, I still get to be creative with the routines each semester and with the choreography for the performances (not to mention all the creativity in writing the performances, themselves--I'm currently writing my Halloween performance for my first ballroom & tap showcase teams). Being creative without boundaries is a must for me if I am to enjoy my work.

So, while I love to dance and teach dance, I wouldn't really classify myself as a dancer.

I am Not Ashamed of Being Gay

Unlike my previous days at BYU, I had absolutely none of those "... I can't let anyone even guess that I might be gay..." pings deep within.

In fact, I made up a game (now, I'm not assuming I'm the only one to play such a game) that I'm sure totally outed me to several people.

I call it "Marco Homo," and the rules are as follows:

First, I make eye contact with a potential gay boy. Then I give a very subtle "knowing" smile and nod (not an "I want you" look; it is easily mistaken as a friendly "hey" nod... at least I hope--I didn't get any negative reactions, anyway...).

I score thusly:

1. If he blushes, looks away too quickly, or reacts oddly, he's most likely gay;
2. If he smiles and nods back, he's straight; or
   
3. If he smiles and nods back and then takes another look back after he walks by, he's definitely gay.

I thought it was fun.

Exhausted

Starting up a business is, indeed, exhausting... especially when you're doing your best to lay the foundation for a corporation that will be seeking out millions for facilities, scholarships, performances, competitions, and commissions for composers for new ballets.

And trying to get everything I want and need done with a decade of sleep deprivation has not been easy.

Thankfully I have a brilliant team which keeps growing.

My ballet director (who is also V.P.) is amazing; I love her choreography and artistic visions.

My board of directors is a great hodgepodge of differing opinions and ideas, which I love.

My financial adviser is a business genius, and he's going make our dreams come true.

I recently found a fantastic web developer with whom I've yet to go over things--I need to wait until the board meeting this Thursday so my plans can be okayed.

I've also found a composer for my first ballet--I'll be writing the story--I also still need to go over some things with him, to...

And, of course, the students; although most are just starting out (all in ballroom are just starting out), there's a superb amount of potential, and I have no fears about the fruition of my vision.

Anyway, I just needed to remind myself of all this... 'cause I'm dead and wondering how I'm ever going to get anything done.

As for right now, I'm going to take a bottle (hyperbole, calm down) of sleeping pills and go to bed.