Saturday, January 24, 2009


In my last post, Forked, Scott commented the following:
So the question really becomes "how likely is it that my local leaders will come to the conclusion that I will make a good missionary?".
I think this is precisely the question.

Well, almost precisely. It goes deeper than local leaders. See, I have been in personal contact with a General Authority over the past three years. I told him of my desire to serve a mission, and he expressed doubt.

To be honest, I thought he would be on my side.

Unfortunately, none of my leaders believe in me. I doubt they will ever believe I'd make a good missionary.

... and you know what happens when you don't believe in fairies...

(Please don't take this as me being cynical; I'm just being honest.)

The only way I could get them to believe that I would make a good missionary would be to deny that I am attracted to men -- or say that my attractions are waning (i.e. give them evidence that homosexuality goes away).

That is, the only way I could get them to believe that I would make a good missionary would be to lie.

And then I wouldn't feel like I would make a good missionary.

To be completely honest, I fear I am defeated on the issue.


  1. I realize this is a totally serious post, and I totally appreciate the gravity of the situation.

    However, I could help but laugh out loud when you said "believe in fairies..." LOL.

    It's disappointing when you are told you're not good enough, isn't it.

  2. I am finding it difficult not to editorialize about institutional homophobia belying all of the recent rhetoric about "we love and honor them as sons and daughters of God" and "every privilege and blessing of the gospel is available to them if they keep the standards," etc., etc. So I'll just say I'm not surprised at this reaction from Church leaders.

  3. Ezra: I'm glad you LOL-ed; such was my intention when writing that line.

    Alan: ditto

  4. I'd say I think you'd make a good missionary, but that may count against you :-).

    I'm glad these waters are being tested, though. However it turns out, it's keeping the dialogue going and that can't be bad.

  5. Maybe this wouldn't exactly work, but have you considered asking what the hell is their problem?

    Tell them you'll get a doctor's note if masturbation is the issue.

    Ask them why they won't call you.

    Why arent you good enough if you're willing?

    Throw the things Alan said at them. Ask them why. Make them say it.

    This is a load of crap. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Too many idiots serve a mission purely out of obligation and expection. Why keep a good man out if he's willing to go?

  6. Scot: I may just tell my Bishop of your quasi-endorsement. Well, "endorsement" may not be the right word, but it's the best one I could think of.

    Lisa: I've been trying to figure out a way to discuss things, but I really am not given any chance to make any sort of case.

    Mostly because they say something rather... offensive at first, and I have to hold my tongue not to retort.

    I usually get in trouble when I retort.

    For example, I told the General Authority that even though the Church doesn't trust me to serve a mission, I know the Lord does. And if my service to God is damned in this regard, Christ is preparing another way for me to serve.

    I was told to be nice.

    At first, I was taken back. I really did not think I was being unkind. But, as I was rereading it, I realized I was, indeed, taking a jab at the Church, saying the leaders are not listening to God but to their own prejudices -- even inferring that they were acting against the Lord's will.

    ... which is frankly the case as I see it...

    I'm afraid, though, that no matter what I say, I won't be heard.

    In their minds, I am a heretic because I do not condemn gay marriage nor do I bemoan my homosexual attractions.

    Plus I will not deny that my break from the Church saved my life. It brought me more healing concerning my homosexuality than ever I found within the walls of the Church.

    This is unfathomable to them -- and I, therefore, must be lying.

    (I also couldn't possibly be telling the truth about my Chronic Pelvic Pain or about having never done anything with a guy.)

    And thus the inquisition ensues.

    Really, I'm to the point where I'm done with all this garbage.

  7. Yes honey...just be done with it! You don't have to prove anything to them -- who do they think they are?? Who are they to judge you?

    You know who you are inside and your relationship with God and that is all that matters!!!

    It's not like you are the first gay person to want to serve --- or actually serve a mission! They just don't want to admit it -- only sweep "us" under the rug.

    Just know in your heart --- it's their loss.

  8. ridiculous position for the Church to take...and really indefensible. "Blinded by faith" comes to mind.