... is the fodder for hope.
Sometimes, in remembering who I am, I forget. But, sometimes, I think it's a good thing, forgetting who I am. It breaks the contentment and forces me to search for answers, answers I never really knew I needed.
It plows the field to prepare for a new crop of hope.
I wish I could say my new crop has completely sprouted. Some of it has, but I have the feeling that there's some more despair to feel before the entire field has germinated. I could be wrong.
I hope so.
On verra ...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Angst
Harumph. My sour mood has yet to be lifted.
Part of it, too, may a be that I'm feeling rather ill. Or I could be feeling rather ill because of my sour mood. I haven't decided which it is yet.
I don't know how much longer my low mood is going to last. I'm feeling pretty fed up with this fight. It's getting more and more frustrating whenever I have to watch what I say, especially when all that I would say is something like, "I'll probably be adopting two or three kids down the road, after I find someone."
I know, I know, it's "weak" to ask "why?" ... but why does my life have to cause so much contention?
And, yes, I know, it's not my life, it's others' attitudes and beliefs that are causing the contention.
Still, though, it makes me want to dropkick something through a window.
But I don't want to leave on a grumpy note... so...
Haha... ah, that makes me feel better.
Part of it, too, may a be that I'm feeling rather ill. Or I could be feeling rather ill because of my sour mood. I haven't decided which it is yet.
I don't know how much longer my low mood is going to last. I'm feeling pretty fed up with this fight. It's getting more and more frustrating whenever I have to watch what I say, especially when all that I would say is something like, "I'll probably be adopting two or three kids down the road, after I find someone."
I know, I know, it's "weak" to ask "why?" ... but why does my life have to cause so much contention?
And, yes, I know, it's not my life, it's others' attitudes and beliefs that are causing the contention.
Still, though, it makes me want to dropkick something through a window.
But I don't want to leave on a grumpy note... so...
Haha... ah, that makes me feel better.
Monday, May 25, 2009
I Think I Know
I think I know why I'm mourning.
On Wednesday, I turn 26, but I still feel like I'm 16. I feel like the last decade of my life was wasted. Wasted cowering in fear, scared, not knowing what to do, where to go, to whom to turn.
I'm mourning my 10 year death, all the experiences I could have had but didn't because I was consumed with the fear of being gay. I was consumed with the determination to prove to myself that I wasn't gay, to prove to myself that I could change, to prove to myself that I could live a celibate life, to prove to myself that... that I wouldn't be missed.
And the thing is, I don't know if I've figured anything out at all.
I still don't know that I've truly accepted that I am gay. I tend to ignore it in my everyday life...
I don't think I'm completely okay with who I am.
I hate having to hide it from my nieces and nephews. I hate not being able to talk about it with my family, with my parents. I hate how it's such a huge deal, a secret, a family shame.
I hate how it will merely be endured at best, that it makes most people in my family uncomfortable. I hate it when they tell me that they're happy that I don't "act gay." I hate being afraid to dress nicely or to comb my hair a certain way or having any visible "gay traits."
I really, really, really just hate being gay right now.
On Wednesday, I turn 26, but I still feel like I'm 16. I feel like the last decade of my life was wasted. Wasted cowering in fear, scared, not knowing what to do, where to go, to whom to turn.
I'm mourning my 10 year death, all the experiences I could have had but didn't because I was consumed with the fear of being gay. I was consumed with the determination to prove to myself that I wasn't gay, to prove to myself that I could change, to prove to myself that I could live a celibate life, to prove to myself that... that I wouldn't be missed.
And the thing is, I don't know if I've figured anything out at all.
I still don't know that I've truly accepted that I am gay. I tend to ignore it in my everyday life...
I don't think I'm completely okay with who I am.
I hate having to hide it from my nieces and nephews. I hate not being able to talk about it with my family, with my parents. I hate how it's such a huge deal, a secret, a family shame.
I hate how it will merely be endured at best, that it makes most people in my family uncomfortable. I hate it when they tell me that they're happy that I don't "act gay." I hate being afraid to dress nicely or to comb my hair a certain way or having any visible "gay traits."
I really, really, really just hate being gay right now.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Where Gay Marriage Advocates Have It Wrong
"It's about love."
If this is the main argument and we allow gay marriage, then anyone proclaiming love (beastiality, pedophilia, for example) should be allowed a marriage license.
"It's about freedom of religion."
If this is the main argument and we allow gay marriage, then anyone wanting to refresh the definition of marriage due to religious beliefs (polygamy, for example) should be allowed a marriage license.
The focus should be on showing that gay marriage is maturely consensual, monogamous throughout life, a healthy alternative to any other lifestyle, and has the potential to successfully raise children if desired.
In my opinion, such a standard is what marriage is all about: a mature, consensual, monogamous, committed through thick and thin, healthy, responsible, parental relationship.
I suppose one could argue that "able to produce children within itself" could be added as a criterion.
And, since we would have to go off of generalities and the healthiest & most exemplary versions of relationships suing for the title of marriage, barren heterosexuals would have claim to marriage.
The question would be, though, whether or not the ability to produce children is essential to a successful marriage.
Does the ability to produce children make a couple more monogamous?
Does the ability to produce children make a couple more committed?
Does the ability to produce children make a couple stronger parents?
Does the ability to produce children make a couple more responsible?
Furthermore, it could be questioned whether or not the ability to reproduce within the couple itself is essential -- as opposed to using other means of reproduction, such as surrogacy.
Anyway and in sum, gay marriage advocates need to more clearly argue that a gay couple holds all of the essential attributes that contribute to a successful marriage (which would require a solid argument as to what contributes to a successful marriage).
Sure, love is important. It's also vital that standards do not respect any religious beliefs. However, those are just small pieces of the entire argument.
Granted, there have been some significant strides in the legalization of gay marriage, and I'm thinking it's going to be country-wide sooner than I had originally thought. But I think we need to do a better job arguing the case in order to ease the anxieties of those so ardently against gay marriage.
Granted the second, some people simply cannot be convinced -- those immune to logic and reason.
If this is the main argument and we allow gay marriage, then anyone proclaiming love (beastiality, pedophilia, for example) should be allowed a marriage license.
"It's about freedom of religion."
If this is the main argument and we allow gay marriage, then anyone wanting to refresh the definition of marriage due to religious beliefs (polygamy, for example) should be allowed a marriage license.
The focus should be on showing that gay marriage is maturely consensual, monogamous throughout life, a healthy alternative to any other lifestyle, and has the potential to successfully raise children if desired.
In my opinion, such a standard is what marriage is all about: a mature, consensual, monogamous, committed through thick and thin, healthy, responsible, parental relationship.
I suppose one could argue that "able to produce children within itself" could be added as a criterion.
And, since we would have to go off of generalities and the healthiest & most exemplary versions of relationships suing for the title of marriage, barren heterosexuals would have claim to marriage.
The question would be, though, whether or not the ability to produce children is essential to a successful marriage.
Does the ability to produce children make a couple more monogamous?
Does the ability to produce children make a couple more committed?
Does the ability to produce children make a couple stronger parents?
Does the ability to produce children make a couple more responsible?
Furthermore, it could be questioned whether or not the ability to reproduce within the couple itself is essential -- as opposed to using other means of reproduction, such as surrogacy.
Anyway and in sum, gay marriage advocates need to more clearly argue that a gay couple holds all of the essential attributes that contribute to a successful marriage (which would require a solid argument as to what contributes to a successful marriage).
Sure, love is important. It's also vital that standards do not respect any religious beliefs. However, those are just small pieces of the entire argument.
Granted, there have been some significant strides in the legalization of gay marriage, and I'm thinking it's going to be country-wide sooner than I had originally thought. But I think we need to do a better job arguing the case in order to ease the anxieties of those so ardently against gay marriage.
Granted the second, some people simply cannot be convinced -- those immune to logic and reason.
PreSorrow
It feels like I'm mourning but not yet.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well lately.
Maybe it's because I need marzipan.
Maybe it's because being a closeted straight boy has finally taken it's toll on me, and I need to come out and face the fact that I am not fabulously gay.
No... I don't know if I'm ready to face that horrible beast right now. I can't -- I just can't. It may just destroy me... or completely simply my life...
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well lately.
Maybe it's because I need marzipan.
Maybe it's because being a closeted straight boy has finally taken it's toll on me, and I need to come out and face the fact that I am not fabulously gay.
No... I don't know if I'm ready to face that horrible beast right now. I can't -- I just can't. It may just destroy me... or completely simply my life...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
MOM-y Mohos
Mohos in mixed orientation marriages (or MOM-y mohos), I would say, don't fit into a separate category but belong to one of the four previously mentioned categories.
That is, there are the MOM-y mohos who are self-righteous, proudly proclaiming that their actions are the "Light and the Way; Follow my behavior and receive your exaltation!!!"
There are the MOM-y mohos who have gay lovers on the side (or act out gayly in some way), pinging back and forth between repentance and cheating.
Then there are the MOM-y mohos who are sitting somewhat on the fence about one thing or another, whether it be their marriages, the Church's stance on gay marriage, how to fulfill unmet needs without being unfaithful to their spouses, etc.
Oh, there are the cultural MOM-y mohos, too -- I know of at least one.
And there's perhaps the fifth kind of moho, the one who is simply content with everything; there's really no fence sitting. Whether they are hetero-ly married or single, they are simply faithful mormons who happen to be attracted to the same sex -- no big deal. (Maybe this should be the fourth and the cultural mohos the fifth.)
Now, I should mention that I don't intend to imply any judgments on any of type of moho. Okay, okay, in all honesty, I do think the self-righteous mohos are pricks (as I feel about all self-righteous people)... I guess I should work on that, but I'm already going to hell, so screw it.
As long as I'm being honest, I guess I should admit that I do think that the second kind of moho can be hypocritical -- which I disdain as equally as self-righteousness. And, no, I don't disdain the people. Granted, I don't respect them -- but I don't hate them.
Concerning the third kind of moho, though, I have no qualms. I don't think them spineless guppies who need to grow a pair and make a decision.
This decision was the most difficult decision to make for me, personally -- it almost cost me my life. I can totally empathize with the fence sitters.
That is, there are the MOM-y mohos who are self-righteous, proudly proclaiming that their actions are the "Light and the Way; Follow my behavior and receive your exaltation!!!"
There are the MOM-y mohos who have gay lovers on the side (or act out gayly in some way), pinging back and forth between repentance and cheating.
Then there are the MOM-y mohos who are sitting somewhat on the fence about one thing or another, whether it be their marriages, the Church's stance on gay marriage, how to fulfill unmet needs without being unfaithful to their spouses, etc.
Oh, there are the cultural MOM-y mohos, too -- I know of at least one.
And there's perhaps the fifth kind of moho, the one who is simply content with everything; there's really no fence sitting. Whether they are hetero-ly married or single, they are simply faithful mormons who happen to be attracted to the same sex -- no big deal. (Maybe this should be the fourth and the cultural mohos the fifth.)
Now, I should mention that I don't intend to imply any judgments on any of type of moho. Okay, okay, in all honesty, I do think the self-righteous mohos are pricks (as I feel about all self-righteous people)... I guess I should work on that, but I'm already going to hell, so screw it.
As long as I'm being honest, I guess I should admit that I do think that the second kind of moho can be hypocritical -- which I disdain as equally as self-righteousness. And, no, I don't disdain the people. Granted, I don't respect them -- but I don't hate them.
Concerning the third kind of moho, though, I have no qualms. I don't think them spineless guppies who need to grow a pair and make a decision.
This decision was the most difficult decision to make for me, personally -- it almost cost me my life. I can totally empathize with the fence sitters.
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