The Swamps of Home

JGW posted the following comment on my post, 'All That I Know':

I have wondered about the fact that gender is not always so fixed as people might assume. But I haven't thought about fundamental nature of reproduction being the blending genetic material from two individuals in random ways to produce infinitely varied new individual bodies. I think we know so little about how mortal, physical existence relates to immortal, spiritual existence.

I have several theories concerning eternal gender and reproduction of eternal beings. (Of course, I have many theories concerning many, many things... but I digress.)

Anyway, drawing from what the LDS church teaches, it is believed we -- before we came to this world -- were spiritual children (derived from 'intelligences') of physical beings. This actually presents an interesting conundrum as the concept of reproduction implies the production of offspring of the same genre/type/I-can't-think-of-the-right-word as the parent(s). That is to say, when a penguin reproduces, another penguin is created. When a cell reproduces, another cell is created. Or that is to ask: When something physical reproduces, why would something non-physical be created?

I know my wording/explanation isn't perfect in regards to joining my thoughts, but I think the astute reader will see my line of reasoning.

This conundrum has often made me wonder how reproduction works in the eternities. Some may say such is one of those, "Does God have a belly button?" or "It's not vital we understand, so just don't worry about it." questions... however, when we are told, "Gay coupling cannot be eternal because of reproduction requirements" then it becomes an extremely vital concept to those of us who cannot feel honest in accepting this statement at face value.

Now, I'm going to share just a very, very skimmed version of one of my theories. There is, of course, much more to it, but such would be a much larger essay that I may perhaps one day sit down and write -- along with other essays I would like to flesh out.

Firstly, my theory begins with the concept of energy, specifically light. Christ is often described as the "Light of the world" or just the "Light." I believe one can perhaps take this in a literal meaning, that an exalted being is a being of pure energy much akin to light, but perhaps even greater.

I think it, therefore, theoretically possible that exalted beings are, therefore, truly omnipresent in that this energy/light emanates to the eternal corners of the universe. That is not to say that an eternal being is no longer 'physical' -- indeed, I would assume the physical portion is a core of the total energy. I say 'a core' as -- like, in say one's bedroom, the light of the sun through a window and the light of the room's light bulb become the light within the room -- the energies of all exalted beings would be one energy coming from separate cores -- which would also allow for a literal translation of the Father and the Son being one Being (and of us literally becoming one with Them).

Now, from this theory is derived the thought, "If exalted beings are the greatest form of energy, then pre-exalted beings must be different concentrations of this energy or different forms of energy"

Our current understanding of energy teaches us that energy is never "spent" but only converted from one form of energy to another. This leads me to theorize that intelligences or perhaps just spiritual beings are brought to pass through a specific usage of the energy of exalted beings... love (and I do not imply any sexual acts). Why love? Well, that's another essay article. As is the importance of gender (yes, I strongly believe gender is absolutely vital to this reproduction / transference of energy... but I don't believe there are only two genders).


But my point in writing this post isn't to convince anyone of anything save the understanding that we simply don't know everything, and that there are so many possibilities out there... we should never be content in just accepting something -- especially when our non-questioning acceptance leads to belief that some people don't deserve the happiness that is within their grasps.

***

In other news: I have an interview on Monday for a new job (as a programmer). Pray that the interview goes well for me! I've never wanted a job as much as I do this one.

I Kissed a Girl

Not really... but I've been forgetting that I'm gay lately. That is to say, one of my friends will mention something, tease me about being gay, what-not and I have to pause and think, "I'm not... oh yeah, I am."

It's kind of funny, now that I've accepted my homosexuality, it no longer rules my life. It's rarely on my mind; I can focus on living, which is nice... yet exhausting!

My job is more stressful than I anticipated. I wouldn't say I'm overwhelmed -- I'm pooped, don't get me wrong -- but jumping from perhaps the worst experience in my life, ripping myself from the LDS church, right into a stressful job has been a little rough... I could perhaps use something a little more low-key.

I actually don't plan on leaving where I'm working right now; I'd probably stay on part-time, maybe 10-20 hours a week, depending on what my hours of my new job (if I can find one more low-key) will be.


Anyway, I promised myself I was going to go to bed right at 23:30... it is now 23:43... I'm going to bed.

All That I Know

I've been wondering: Can the 23 chromosomes of a human egg pair up with the 23 chromosomes of another human egg to create a healthy human baby? Likewise, can the 23 chromosomes of a human sperm pair up with the 23 chromosomes of another human sperm to create a healthy human baby?

Theoretically, it's possible (reference)... you just have to have a masterful grasp of science.

So, I have to question the statement, "Homosexuality is wrong/unacceptable because homosexuals cannot reproduce [in the eternities]."

Literal reproduction by the couple alone may not be possible now, but we're asked to look at things in an eternal aspect. As I do so, I think, "Well, if exalted beings are truly omniscient and omnipotent, then the 46 chromosomes needed for a healthy human offspring can be easily provided and fused by a couple of the same gender to reproduce literally." I mean, if we mere mortals are heading in that direction -- and have seen at least one successful example with a mouse (who is healthy enough to bear children of her own) -- how difficult could it be for an exalted being?

Quite literally, homosexual couples have in them the potential to multiply and replenish the earth in the most commonly translated sense of the commandment...

Quand la gique s'est arrêtée

There once was a great village wherein lay a great garden wherein grew great vegetables and fruits. Often, the villagers would harvest and store the fresh crops – the fruits were kept for the villagers, the vegetables for the livestock.

One day in this village, a little boy became exceedingly ill. The village Elders visited the boy and found that the child’s illness came from eating the fruits. Every fruit was tried by the child, and every fruit added to the young boy’s illness.

The boy wept, “I have tasted of every fruit in the garden, and they all are bitter in my stomach... but the vegetables smell good to me, and I feel they would succor me.”

The Elders were quick to respond, “It is not our nature to partake of the vegetables, such is the nature of the livestock. Our nature is to partake of the fruits.”

The boy pleaded, “Perhaps I do not understand natures, but I know the fruits go sour and rot in my belly, and I know I will starve without food; therefore, there must be a food wherewith I can survive. Again, the vegetables smell good to me – can I not eat of them?”

The Elders looked sorrowful, “We are deeply saddened by your disease, but we must not betray our natures, and from all we know, it is not natural of us to eat vegetable. It is unfortunate, but we fear you must endure in sickness, eating fruits, until we know more about your disease.”

So the boy ate the fruits, and though he did not starve, he was often sick and his physical stature greatly stunted. And despite the Elders’ best efforts, no further understanding was ever gained by them.

Years later, the young boy – now a meager young man – stood before the Elders one last time, “Again, I may not understand human nature... but I do now understand my needs and my rights as a man as I stand before you today. It is my right to be as happy and as healthy as you, and if this means I must eat of vegetable, then I will eat of vegetable...and if this means I must leave the village...I will leave the village.”

The Elders simply replied, “You will never be truly happy and healthy eating of vegetable...it is not your nature. Nevertheless, do as you will, but if you will, then you must leave the village; we can neither tolerate nor support your disregard of your nature.”

As the boy solemnly walked beyond the boundaries of the village, the Elders wept, “It is unfortunate.”

The Elders continued to weep for years to come...but the boy found great strength and health and happiness beyond the boundaries of the village in his own great garden of vegetables.

Speak Your Heart

The After-Sky

by Andrew Martin Pankratz

They say there's a rainbow after every storm,
But it rained last night,
And the after-sky was thus forlorn:
Amid the silent blue crept only vapid white

Below, among the sorrowed browns,
In a sea of bladed green,
Drowning towers bled their crimson crowns:
And still, above, no rainbow could be seen. . .

Where is the promised rainbow?
Where are the rays of red,
And the bluish stare?
I see
No violet to warm the air
No gold in my heart of lead
Where is the promised rainbow?

The weeping willow has never wept as this;
Tears of chartreuse-green yet burst
From mauve and gnarled cysts
They mourn the uncolored sky and curse

For, there is no arc to shine ‘pon its bough
No brilliant colors to sing,
To break the bleakness ‘bove its brow
No palette of hope could such this heartache bring

Where is the promised rainbow?
Where are the rays of red,
And the bluish stare?
I see
No violet to warm the air
No gold in my heart of lead
Where is the promised rainbow?

***

It rained, and I bled...not blood, but sorrow. I cried, and I bled...not blood, but fear. I feared, and I bled...not blood, but foreshadow.

I could not see an end to bleeding save for bleeding that which I had not bled. I asked for hope...they drew a rainbow, and they did not bleed.

I walked the rain-flooded fields, and I bled. I asked for more hope...they drew a brighter rainbow, and they did not bleed.

I crawled the rain-slicked fields, and I bled. I gave them my muddened clothes...they shook off mud, and they did not bleed. I asked for further hope...they drew an even brighter rainbow, and they did not bleed.

I sat in drowning rain, and I bled. I did not ask for hope...they did not bleed. I slept, and I bled. They laid upon my breast a drawing of a rainbow, and they did not bleed.

I cried, and I bled...not blood, but anger. I could not see the rainbow they drew. I asked where...they frowned, and they did not bleed.

I walked away, and I bled. They called my name, and they did not bleed. I asked where...they frowned, and they did not bleed.

I crawled further, and I bled. They called my name, and they did not bleed. I asked where...they frowned, and they did not bleed.

I sat alone, and I bled. They called my name, and they did not bleed. I did not ask where...they did not bleed. I slept, and I bled. They laid upon my breast a drawing of a rainbow, and they did not bleed.

I feared, and I bled...not blood, but soon. I could see neither the end nor its rainbow. I could not hear them...they gave me a picture of a rainbow, and they did not bleed.

I walked alone...I saw a rose, and I did not bleed. The rose was wet...and bright...and deeply crimson, and it did not bleed.

I walked further...I saw a calla lily, and I did not bleed. The lily was wet...and bright...and deeply white, and it did not bleed.

I walked further still...I saw a fern, and I did not bleed. The fern was wet...and bright...and deeply green, and it did not bleed.

I stood, and I did not bleed. I looked, and I did not bleed. I wept, and I did not bleed. I saw the rainbow before me born, and I did not bleed...and, living, it did not bleed.

***

Where is the promised rainbow
But below
No bent rays in teary skies
But life
Wherefrom life is grown

Molly Cule

I can't wait for my next paycheck... I will [hopefully] be subscribing to my X-Men comic books again!

There's actually a store that sells comic books on my way to the apartments of a couple of people I support; I should stop by there next week to get started on catching up.

I just realized that I've yet to really mention anything about my new job. I work for a company that supports people who have disabilities (such as autism, traumatic brain injury, etc.). The department with which I am involved supports those who are mostly able to live on their own but who need support in areas ranging from finding social activities to managing finances to maintaining a healthy environment, etc.

When I started, my official title was "Direct Support Professional" but I recently got a promotion and am now one of the assistants to the team leader. I will be focusing mostly on the financial aspects of support for the supported living department as well as directly supporting a few individuals.

It's been a very interesting experience so far -- interesting in a good way. I've learned a lot about myself, about life, about charity, about disabilities, about needs, about wants, about desires, about hopes, about dreams... the list could go on.

I've also been torn out of my comfort zones in some senses. For example, I do not like animals -- especially dogs... I hate how animals smell, how they don't have any respect for my personal boundry... the list could go on. And, of course, the very first person I started supporting has a dog.

And this is only the beginning. I also have an inexplicably heavy discomfort learning new skills in a public place... and one of the people I support will be teaching me to swim. I also have inhibitions about wearing shorts in public, let alone not wearing a shirt... I honestly don't know why this is... but I will be breaking down this inhibition, and I'm actually really looking forward to it.

However, my biggest inhibition is going to be tested as well: the locker room. I will be taking one person to the gym twice a week, and I'm not going to be able to avoid the locker room as I've always tried to do in the past. Granted, my past reason for avoiding the locker room was to avoid being confronted with the physicality of my homosexual attractions -- seeing as naked men are found in the locker room. That is, I avoided the locker room to help me stay in as much denial about being gay as I possibly could. Now that I'm out, though, I have no reason to push a state of denial... so hopefully it won't be too difficult to hurdle over this inhibition as well. (What's really sweet is that my employer will be paying for my gym membership -- not to mention that I will be getting paid to work out and on my goal of getting up to my ideal weight.)

In whole, this new job of mine has been extremely beneficial for me as it challenges my irrational psychological quirks. I even peed in a urinal the other day -- seriously, this is a big deal for me... especially since I wasn't the only one in the restroom...

I'm finally growing! (Even physically... well, not length-wise, but weight-wise; I just weighed in today, and not only have I regained the five pounds I recently lost but I've also added a whole pound!! I know a whole pound doesn't seem too significant to most, but it's a huge deal for me, and I will hopefully have gained at least another pound by next weekend (two would be great).)

Cinderella at the Grave

It's impossible! I don't know how so many people do it... eat.

All I have to do is eat is 2100 - 2700 calories a day and I can quickly achieve my optimal weight... but I can't do it!

I simply don't understand the appeal of eating. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy tasting good foods... and my roommate is a fantastic chef... but I just need one or two bites and I've got the tasting bit down, and I then get bored.

I need to invent a better way of getting calories than eating... like a calorie patch you just slap on your arm and it supplies you with your necessary calorie intake throughout the day. Man, that would be fantastic!

It could even include the optimal ratio of fats, carbs, and proteins... and all the vitamins and such one needs... this is brilliant...


Although, I could go for some cotton candy and a soft pretzel (I like the ones from Pretzel Time).

Wait... come to think of it, I think I made my at least 2100 calorie intake goal today... well, shazam for me!

If only I didn't have to do it all over again tomorrow... sigh...