Saturday, March 29, 2008

I Will Wait :: Heavy

If things remain as they are, I will still be resigning from the Church; however, I have the opportunity to discuss some of my concerns with someone whom I respect greatly. As I discuss things with this individual, I will postpone turning in my resignation.

Despite what some may believe, I will be discussing with the sincere desire to know if I am in the wrong in how I view Christ's Gospel. Indeed, when I say, "if things remain as they are" I include my current understanding -- which has every possibility of being corrected.

You see, I do not share the vain attitude fostered by so many Mormons, this attitude of "I am necessarily right; therefore, you must be wrong if you don't agree with me." And I truly despise it when Mormons project upon me this, their attitude, assuming that I believe what I believe just because I want to believe it and not because I have seen, with my own two eyes, actual evidence that what I believe has been bringing to past the greatest joy, happiness, and meaning when applied to one's life. (This that I have underlined is labeled by the ardent mormon "faulty logic.")

Unlike the ardent mormon, I allow my beliefs to be tested according to their works, and I will more than freely give up those beliefs that do not produce good works (without having to be told to give up such by some 'higher-up'). Quite frankly, this is why I am giving up the belief that the best possible life for a homosexual is a life as is prescribed by the Church now -- because, as I was looking upon the works being brought to pass through this belief, I saw desolation. (Again, I underlined my "faulty logic.")

Unlike the ardent mormon, I do not blame this desolation on the heart of the wounded -- because, being one of the wounded, I know the efforts are sincere and continuous; I know the desires and hopes are sincere that such would truly bring to pass the greatest joy.

I have witnessed, firsthand, how such sincerety does not bring forth good works. You see, I spent all of my energies in nourishing the word, this belief. Nevertheless, the word did not take root and it produced no fruit to recompense the energies spent in cultivating the belief.

This is not how gardening works. A gardener raises food not just to replenish the energies spent in raising up his garden, but to supply a season's worth of eneregy to sustain not only him but his family and friends as well.

And I am not a foolish gardener; I do not plant a seed and then intend not to cultivate it. To blame the gardener for a bad seed is foolishness. I repeat: TO BLAME THE GARDENER FOR A BAD SEED IS FOOLISHNESS. This is what is being done not just to me but to so many in my situation. It is horrible, and I will not rest until it is stopped.

The bad seed needs to be cast away. If the Church refuses to recognize and cast away this bad seed, I will, indeed, be turning in my resignation -- because it is contrary to what I believe Christ would have His Church do with such a seed -- as such is explicitly taught within the Book of Mormon. (Yes, I am demanding that the Church change -- but not just according to my beliefs; rather, according to the very own beliefs of the Church which beliefs explicitly state that seeds or beliefs that do not produce good fruits or works should be cast away. If the Church does not live up to her own standards, how can I trust her integrity to define for me the standards by which I should live my own life?)

Now, some may argue in their contentious manners, "How does that fit with what you stated at the beginning of your post?"

To put it simply: My current understanding is this, that the best life for me and many in my situation is one devoted, with complete fidelity, to a spouse, raising children to live lives in similitude of our Savior Jesus Christ. It is this understanding about which I could, very well, be wrong.

The best life could be... say... euthanasia (just put us out of our misery). The best life could be... say... sending us to poverty-stricken countries to build schools and spend the rest of our lives in service at such schools. I am open to any possibility.

The life prescribed now, however, my understanding of that seed... let me just reiterate that there are simply too many solid witnesses that testify that such need be cast away immediately and with disgust that I cannot deny the vulgarity of such a seed.

To paraphrase a quote that I adore, "If this is the doctrine which corrupts the youth, then I am a mischevious person." ~Socrates

In fact, to paraphrase even more of the quote -- as I feel is fitting to what I am saying in regards to the Church: "I shall obey God rather than you. This is my teaching, and if this is the doctrine which corrupts the youth, then I am a mischevious person." ~Socrates


  1. I shall obey God rather than you. This is my teaching, and if this is the doctrine which corrupts the youth, then I am a mischievous person.

    Interestingly enough, this is what I just told my parents. They did not take it well at all.

    I really respect your decision to wait, and to really be open to the possibility that you are wrong. I know that you truly are, and that if others were, so much good could be accomplished.

    You are a very wise man Andrew. I am proud of you.

  2. I will pray for you. No matter what like I said in my last comment, I may not be able to control what you think of me, and I may not agree with you but that doesn't mean that I can't feel for you or love you as a brother. I have to accept your choices for yourself. They may not be in my opinion the right ones according to what I believe based on what I've been taught but you have to be happy and make your own choices. I admire what you said about not knowing for sure. I admire that attitude I just wish it was easier to practice.