Dear Marie Osmond,

Although you're a little bit country, I think you've been rockin' lately.

Sincerely,

Andrew Martin Pankratz

Iosapta

I'm in the mood for some board and/or card game-age.

La Mort

When I woke up this morning, I knew I had just been stabbed. The peace didn't surprise me, but death felt warmer and less painful than I expected.

And there was less blood... in fact, I couldn't see any. I could feel it. It was gushing over my hands and pooling beneath the small of my back. But where red should have been, there was nothing.

Even if I could have, I don't think I would have cried for help. It was a welcoming feeling, not really any fear, just confusion.

And then, just as I was about to die, the haze faded.

... sleep paralysis can be so much fun...

Wherein I should be in bed

I have decided that I am nocturnal.

I used to think I was an insomniac, but I sleep just fine... during the day.

Damn the social norm of ... of... what's the opposite of nocturnal?

In other news: I got nothin'.

Denied

Trying to force people to treat gay people equally is just as frustrating to me as trying to force gay people to live heterosexually.

I should be free to live gayly, and people should be free to kick me out of their restaurants because they don't want gay couples to eat there.

As long as a business isn't forced one way or the other, and as long as the business is not run by public funding, I am 100% cool with owners denying their services to anyone to whom they don't want to provide services.

If no restaurant will accept gay couples, then I'll start up my own gay-friendly restaurant. It's really not that big of a deal. I know plenty of fabulous gay chefs.

Sure, it stings and hurts to be discriminated against -- but you can't force people to like you. Besides, I'd rather eat at a restaurant where I'm eagerly welcomed instead of one where they're forced to let me eat there against their will.

And why would I want to go to a fertility doctor if she thought I was an evil fag? I'll go elsewhere, thankyouverymuch.

If people want to lose business, by all means, let them lose business.

Of course, when it's funded publicly, that's another story. You can't take someone's money and then deny him/her access to its use. Such is exploitation -- is that the right word?

If you're going to discriminate, then do it on your own dime.

Of course, one can't discriminate to the point of infringing upon another's rights.

You can kick me out of your restaurant, but you can't burn down the restaurant I'm building. You can preach that I can't make it to heaven, but you can't make life hell for me right now. You can pretend that boys only couple with girls to raise families in your private schools, but you can't use public money to pretend families headed by gay couples don't exist (ESPECIALLY when such families are paying -- often extra -- for your children's educations).

don't get me wrong

While I do think that I'm enjoyable to be around (to those with certain palettes, anyway), and while I'm beginning to perhaps accept that I may possibly be enjoyable to look at to some, I hope I'm being honest in saying that I don't think that I... well, that I really care (or that I think I could land anyone I wanted and that I don't have any faults).

I truly only care about being me to the most honest extent as possible and honestly accepting, loving, and enjoying who I am.

As RuPaul says, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?"

This, really, is why I've yet to really pursue someone. I've just barely learned to love my innards, and I'm struggling to love my outards.

I don't think a relationship has much to do with what I'm getting, but with what I'm giving.

I know I've mentioned this a couple of times on this blog before, but I'm going to mention it again. I'm coming to the conclusion that spousal coupling isn't about sex or even just about love; it's about in whose hands, heart, mind -- in whose soul -- you fit the most perfectly.

Skinny Dipping

Even though there are times when I may come off as confident and "boastful," I'm actually quite unsure about myself in the physically attractiveness arena.

Compliments, although extremely flattering (and for which I am grateful, if I may use an abused Mormon word), from those who've experienced my personality are usually held in suspect.

I'm not unsure about my personality. Although it's an acquired taste, my personality is... well, I enjoy being me, I guess is the most succinct way of putting it.

Isn't that crazy, though? It's so much easier accepting a compliment when I share the sentiment.

Anyway, Vegas was kind of a self-esteem booster. My friend went to buy some cologne in a nice boutique. I couldn't quite decide whether or not me likied the clothes (the ties, definitely)... but me definitely likied one of the clerks.

My eyes met his on accident (the first time was an accident, anyway -- the other three or four, not so much). My friend and I were already being helped by another guy, but this other clerk kept inching towards us. The transaction was completed before the clerk got close enough to talking distance, and so I didn't get the chance to see if he was interested in more than just a sale (hah... uh... that could sound a little dirty).

Then, after watching a lame fountain presentation at Caesar's Palace, my friend told me that I was being "eye-f'ed" throughout the entire thing by a guy across the room. One could say the guy would be classified in a "high-esque league" I suppose, and while I'm really not attracted to such, I felt... well, let's just admit that I did enjoy it.

So, I'm trying to think of myself as someone who could, indeed, be physically attractive.

More importantly, though, I'm learning the importance of getting out of my comfortable bubble of introversion to meet more people.

Maybe one day I'll be able to linger in a boutique just a little longer...