Hey Big Spender

... and I've been making some generous deposits this week.

Classic

As I've been playing around with poetry, I'm finding that I think I prefer writing formal poetry to free verse (not that I'm notable at either, but writing helps me in my lows--hence the gloominess of most of my poems).

I'm also finding that I especially enjoy playing with classical metrics.

With my current work-in-progress, 'As Man, As King,' I'm using iambic trimeter, but allowing the first foot to become either a cretic or molossus and the last either an amphibrach or antibacchius (yes, I have my reasons for such). I'm also using a very simple rhyming scheme.

My goal and challenge is to avoid sounding bouncy and rhyme-y, toward which iambic feet and simple rhyming schemes (especially with few feet) tend.

This is how I often de-stress... I am such a nerd.

One day you're in, the next day...

... you're out.

I woke up this morning to that familiar asphyxiating voice, taunting with the alarm, "You can't do this, you can't do this, you can't do this..." Trying to ground myself, I closed my eyes and reached out with my other senses.

I listened; rain almost deftly flicked the windows. I felt; gravity wrapped its arms around me and pulled my body into the softness of my bed. I smelled; vanilla and lavender crept, whirled and massaged the air around my nostrils. I tasted; I should have brushed after my late night snack.

I felt; my gentle sheets caressed the cold bareness of my back as I pulled the covers over me. I listened; the alarm again taunted, "You can't do this, you can't do this, you can't do this..."

"I can't do what?"

"Life."

"I'm doing just fine, great even. Look how productive I was yesterday. The ticket and poster designs are fabulous, the databases are coming along well. Things are great."

"It's not worth it. You can't do this. It's all going to go to crap."

"What's going on? Did I miss my meds?"

"You're worthless. Alone. Look around you. Nobody. You can't do this."

Ten more minutes and I had to be heading to the studio for my first class of the day. I traced my breaths in and out of my lungs. I focused on each nose hair, feeling, imagining them sway. Lavender and vanilla clouded around me, trying to push away the smoggy thoughts. Gravity worriedly hugged me closer into the safety of my bed. My sheets nuzzled me with concern. Five more minutes.

Trembling, though not visibly, I got out of bed, letting the cold hardness of the wood floors drown out the "... you're alone, nobody's on your side... worthless, alone, worthless, alone..." thoughts. My neighbor's clanking masked the "... you can't do this, you can't do this, you can't do this..." thoughts.

And for the rest of the day, I would and will have to live in the immediate present, no past, no future, just smells and feels and hears and sees and tastes.

Dear [Him],

Please stop smiling and blushing like that. It's not good for me and my goal and efforts to get over you.

Oh, and what have you done to [BFF]? She is now convinced that you and I were made for each other. Please let her know that it will never be. I'm far too busy convincing myself of such that I have neither the time nor energy to focus on [BFF].

Sighing-ly,
[Me]

Blargh !

It's inevitable.

Every time I finally convince myself that I'm over [Him], something eventually happens that reminds me that I'm just lying to myself.

Sometimes I worry (quite a bit) that I will never be over him and that the guys I've been dating -slash- will date don't really have that fair of a chance with me, all because of [Him].

~sigh~

Dear Andrew at 18,

(as per Rob's request)

You're a homo. Get used to it.

Loves,
Andrew Martin

Yes, Please

I hope he doesn't mind sharing a bed with my marzipan husband.

Dear 3 AM,

I know we've been great pals for the past few years. You've been there, without fail, whenever I've been at my lowests.

It's gotten to the point, however, that I must subconsciously think I need you, even when I'm not feeling depressed. Okay, okay, today was a rather low day for me and for no apparent reason, really. Clinical depression sure is a pain, n'est-ce pas ?

Aren't you getting tired of it, though? I mean, I know I am.

And... well, to be blunt, I'm afraid you're sort of enabling things here. Whenever my depression whispers that I'm a worthless failure at everything I do, you just sit there, ticking along... enjoying that I'm here with you?

Don't get me wrong, though. It's not like we've never had any fun together.

Perhaps I'm saying that it's time that we focus on the fun times, yeah?

Sure, this would mean less time together... but it would also mean that the time we do spend with each other would be healthier and much more enjoyable for the both of us.

Sleep is essential for me right now. Responsibility frequents my abode much more often these days than in the past... things just can't keep going as they are now.

I need my space from you for a little while. However, I do promise that we will have some fantastic times together in the future.

Much Love and Gratitude,
Andrew M. Pankratz

...

What have I gotten myself into?

My proverbial plate is so full (as is my 'tummy') that I don't know how I'm going to do everything that needs to get done. It would be helpful if my body weren't begging for a six month hibernation... yet, when it is time to sleep... nothing.

Perhaps it's time for me to take something off my plate, but what?

My slowly growing social life?

... it is the only thing not bound to financial responsibility right now... and I am naturally a hermit...

Do I dare increase the odds that I will end up as the eccentric old man living alone on the top of the hill? Would that be so bad, if bad at all? It has been a future I've always considered. Nikola Tesla is my hero, after all. It's too bad I'm not as brilliant as he.

I'm perhaps as crazy as Tesla.

Heh. Insane without the genius... ah man...

Oh well, as for right now, I'm going to go take a bubble bath in the dark (perhaps with some candles... oOo, sexay...) whilst I listen to Chopin's Mazurkas.

Moral of this Post: I think I'm in love with both Chopin and Tesla.

Grumblings and Mumblings

Ugh... I am burned out. Even in some of my dreams, I'm sitting and staring at walls, wondering where the hell I'm going to get the energy to do everything I need to get done.

Oh, my sweet little subconscious-self... he's doing what he can, trying to take care of things while I'm sleeping. Poor fool doesn't realize that putting gas in the car, for example, in a dream doesn't put gas in the car in real life.

He also doesn't realize that it makes me a little grumpy that I have to do all those mundane tasks again, for real, after I wake up.

Really, subconscious-self, why can't you dream of extraordinary adventures? Why must you dream about taking out the trash, cleaning the kitchen, and doing laundry? Are you angry with me? What have I done to upset you? How can I make it up to you?

Speaking of grumpy, though, I'm wondering if it's "that time of month" for me. Everything is pissing me off. Of course, my "pissiness" is really just me being extra cynical and sarcastic, which some find quite entertaining. I'm usually not a mean grump, which I like about myself.

Although, I do get über insecure about things when I'm in such a mood...

... sometimes I feel like such a girl...

Ugh

I've decided that I need to get out of this small town of drabbery where I live for a little while.

Unfortunately, I won't really have any free time (other than weekends) until the end of May.

... maybe I'll plan a road trip to Canada for my birthday...

Indeed.

Magical Birthday 2010, Option Alpha: Road Trip to Canada.

Any other ideas?

In Lighter News

(can you tell I'm avoiding work today?)

I just listened to Lady Gaga's song, 'Teeth' (no, it's not the first time I've heard it)... it gave me... ideas.

... shame on you Lady Gaga...

Other gay songs I've been enjoying lately: 'Boys Boys Boys' & 'Devil Made Me Do It'

Admittedly, I've been racking up some serious gay points lately... I'm not so worried about losing my membership anymore. Granted, I still have to fill out all those reports and send them into Gay-Quarters... ugh... is there no end to bureaucracy?? This damned agenda is almost more work than it's worth.

Well, I guess I should go back to choreographing things I can teach my students... *sigh*

The Gesture I Needed

My little brother invited me to Priesthood Session today.

I declined.

He then invited me to dinner afterward.

This was just what I needed for me to know things are going to be okay between my family and me. I don't feel like I need to send any letter now.

I'll stick to my original plan, to simply live my life and let them come to me if they have any questions or concerns.

Dear Family,

(version 2.1)

I've recently found that there is still a lot of concern about me. While I don't know if this concern is shared by all, most, or just a few of you, I do understand why you are worried. In complete honesty, I appreciate your desires for me to be happy, not just in this life but in the next.

Perhaps there's not much I can do to help ease your anxieties over me and my decision to date guys. All I can offer is to honestly say that I feel nothing but encouragement from God, a sense that He is pleased with the direction I am heading in life.

I am personally no longer burdened by being gay. I am no longer conflicted. I am confident with my decisions and relationship with God. Never before have I felt His love so strongly for me than I do now.

There is nothing I do, specifically something so heavy as pursuing a husband, without that solemn, peaceful, godly hand on my shoulder guiding me in the direction He would have me travel, being genuinely willing to travel anywhere He would have me go.

Come judgment day, I will happily stand before God and present my life—the good, the bad, the zany, the mundane, the tender, the awkward, the romantic, the heartbreaking—covering nothing up with the sincere testimony that my greatest intent was to live a life pleasing to Him.

Like you for me, I care for you. I love you. I want you to be happy and healthy. Life is stressful and burdensome enough as it is, I truly don't want you to be burdened by my decisions. There is no reason to be; although, as I said, I do understand where you're coming from, why many of you are concerned. I pray that you will receive the same comfort I have received concerning my decisions.

Love,
Andrew Martin

Dear Family,

(version 2.0)

I've recently found that there is still a lot of concern about me. While I don't know if this concern is shared by all, most, or just a few of you, I do understand why you are worried. In complete honesty, I appreciate your desires for me to be happy, not just in this life but in the next.

Perhaps there's not much I can do to help ease your anxieties over me and my decision to date guys, but I can offer my sincere testimony that I feel nothing but encouragement from God, a sense that He is pleased with the direction I am heading in life.

I am personally no longer burdened by being gay. I am no longer conflicted. I am confident with my decisions and relationship with God. There is nothing I do, specifically something so heavy as pursuing a husband, without that solemn, peaceful, godly hand on my shoulder guiding me in the direction He would have me travel, being genuinely willing to travel left, right, straight ahead, etc.

While I know my testimony challenges your paradigms, I also know that it is your duty as devout followers of Christ to judge based upon the fruits one's decisions bring instead of the array of options you believe are or aren't possible.

Please understand that I am not asking for acceptance. My only desire in writing and sending this letter is to promise you that if you look at me (I mean sincerely look at me, who I am, and feel the intentions of my heart) then you will receive the same comfort I have received. Such unparadigmed [sic], unfiltered eyes are the pure love of Christ. Such is the only kind of love I can accept as true love for me.

Like you for me, I care for you. I love you. I want you to be happy and healthy. Life is stressful and burdensome enough as it is, I truly don't want you to be burdened by my decisions. There is no reason to be.

Love,
Andrew Martin

What Do I Hope to Accomplish?

As with all the other comments, JGW's comment, "I'm just curious what you hope to achieve with this letter... It sounds like your family already all know you're gay... It sounds like you're asking them to approve of you dating guys," has me thinking about some things... specifically how to better word my letter to make known my intentions.

Revisions to my letter pending.

As for right now, though, I've some programming to do...

Maybe I should wait?

Considering the comments on my letter to my family, I'm wondering if I should hold off sending anything until I have a boyfriend.

On one hand, it gives me more of a reason to send something. It makes it more real, taking it out of realm of theory and what-ifs and putting it into the "I have a boyfriend, how are you going to treat and see him?"

On the other hand, who knows when I'll get a boyfriend.

On the foot, what's the rush?

Sure, I want my family to know that I'm not struggling with being gay. There's no conflict left in me. Although, the more I think about it, the more I feel that I should wait until I have something more concrete for them to consider.

I'm becoming a rather patient person. While I still have pings of wanting to push and prod things along with my family, I think I can handle just going with the flow as I do with most things in life.

... of course, my laissez-faire attitude has backfired a few times before...