The Purpose of Life

I think I would say that I believe that the purpose of life is to build a utopia wherein all are joyful and prosperous.

As I struggle with my specific spiritual beliefs, I don't know if I believe that this utopia is something that we (who vanish, so to speak, upon death) are trying to build for future generations or if this utopia is something that we (who live beyond the grave) will partake of for eternity.

I cannot see, however, how the self-governance of one's life should differ whether we are building for a future generation, perhaps never to experience the ideal world ourselves, or if we will find ourselves in state of joy and prosperity forever.

Beginnings With God

It's difficult for me to approach the subject of God these days. In a way, I feel like I've needed to start over with everything God-related.

So I'm back to asking myself, "Is there a God?"

More importantly I wonder, "Should I care even if there is a God?"

I mean, convincing me of the existence of something is one thing, convincing me that I should worry or care about its existence is a vastly different conversation.

I Just Can't Hide It

I wish I could blog more. I have some thoughts that I'd like to get out in binary.

Hélas, I have been well busy.

But in that business is some great news: The Academy has received its first grant!

I will be able to produce a dance performance I've been mulling over for a while. It's a-gunna be fabulous.

Our upcoming production of Cinderella is going to be fabulous as well.

I will post the performance dates so you all can come and enjoy.

I'm so excited.

2010: The Year I Growed Up

You know, I really wasn't expecting much out of 2010.

All I really hoped for was a good year with the dance academy and to apply for its 501(c)(3) status.

What I got was a pretty good year with the dance academy, a great boyfriend, a job that actually pays me a salary, my very first place all of my own, the 501(c)(3) application sent in, and the IRS determination letter hardly a month later.

In a way, I guess you could say that I finally grew up. I mean, I bought my first table, dinnerware, silverware, and set of pots and pans... that's a pretty big step for me (considering my major Peter Pan complex).

That's not to say, of course, that everything went extremely smoothly. The Academy, itself, is like 3 full-time jobs for me. Adding another full-time job on top of that really shook things up for my sanity (what very little I had left).

My relationship with my boyfriend has had its ups and downs... as is to be expected, especially with my strained mental health.

All-in-all, though, it was a pretty fabulous year.

I'm tempted to set the bar for 2011 pretty high, but I may just aim low and be presently surprised again.

WelLong Story

To make a long-ish story short, [GMB] and I had basically a two day talk. I think we understand each other a lot better now.

So we decided to call off the break-up.

I know, I know; it seems fickle. I claim temporary insanity, what with the drastically changed sleeping schedule and all.

[GMB] is a saint for putting up with me.

More Disorder?

My friend sent me a link to the following site: http://www.attachmenttherapy.com/adult.htm. I'm afraid I may have another disorder along with my clinical depression and anxiety to deal with.

I'm thinking I tend toward the "Anxious/Ambivalent" category of attachment disorder:

ANXIOUS/AMBIVILENT

Compulsive Caregiving

Feel overinvolved and underappreciated

Rapid relationship breakups

Idealizing of others

Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship

Overinvests his/her emotions in a relationship

Perceives relationships as imbalanced

Relationship is idealized

Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)

Perceives others as difficult to understand

Unlikely to view others as altruistic

Discomfort with anger

Extreme emotions

Views self as unlovable

Mood swings

Tendency toward anaclitic depression (dependent depression)

It does make sense. I very strongly remember times in my youth when I needed my parents but they were busy taking care of the needs of my other million siblings. Hell, read through my blog the past few months, and you'll see examples of how what I need from my parents aren't met because of their religious beliefs.

I'm not "blaming the parents." I am recognizing, though, where my problem lies so I can resolve things.

Thankfully, I have an appointment with my counselor in the not too distant future to discuss things with her.

Oversimplified

The reason I posted for the break-up is rather oversimplified.

I still think there's a lot of misunderstanding on both of our sides. We're trying to sort things out, at the very least to minimize the hurt.