Monday, May 3, 2010

More Than I'm Willing to Admit to Myself

One of my nieces was baptized into the LDS Church on Saturday. So I got to spend the morning with my family...

... and I think hanging out with my family was more difficult for me than I'm willing to admit, even to myself. I mean my 'nap' from 2:00 PM Saturday to 4:00 PM Sunday was more than just me being overworked, methinks.

I think I'm more bitter and angry and frustrated about feeling like I have to hide a part of myself from those with whom I'm the closest than I'm willing to admit to myself.

I think it hurts more than I'm willing to admit to myself to hear the jovial and excited, "When are we going to meet Teena's boyfriend? We're so excited for Preston and Hannah's engagement!" comments, thinking how they would feel quite the opposite about any such thing for me.

Instead of confronting these feelings, I'm just shutting down, lying to myself, pretending I'm not hurt. It's most likely not the most healthy thing to be doing.

It's probably a good thing I don't have a boyfriend right now; not being able to have invited him probably would have made things more difficult for me to ignore.

... speaking of lying to myself and boys, I was probably thinking how nice it would have been to have been offended that I couldn't have invited a certain someone to the baptism more than I am willing to admit to myself...


  1. I find myself having a hard time doing anything with my extended family, either, because I really don't want to blurt out in frustration - especially if they get onto the issue. I have a hard enough time with my closed-minded friends.

  2. I hope they open their eyes. And, oddly enough, I hope next time (if they haven't yet) you can be insulted by not being able to bring your boyfriend.

  3. str8on: It is tough keeping one's tongue in check.

    Horizon: Thanks. I hope so, too. Although, I'm not really holding my breath for either (said nonchalantly).