Monday, May 5, 2008

I Won't Say (I'm In Love)

"Jane" from my previous post has been on my mind lately. I really don't know why; we don't really talk to each other anymore (I don't think he even knows I've decided to be 'out' ... well, he probably does; word spreads fast).

Honestly, I hope he isn't gay, that the attraction was only on my side. This is not the funnest of things to deal with, especially in a Mormon society.

I actually saw his parents the other day -- I've never gotten along so well with one of my friend's parents; they're awesome, I could probably sit and talk with them all day. They suggested he and I double date... yeah, I don't think that would work too well (apparently, they don't know I'm out).

You know, it's kind of strange... ever since I came out officially, I've never been more construed as both a Mormon and a straight boy. That is to say, it seems that I am automatically labeled as a good Mormon boy by those who have been meeting me as of late. I'm not saying this is a bad thing; I just find it interesting.

And speaking of oddities since coming out... now that I'm "on the market" I've -- perhaps for the first time -- asked myself, "Am I attractive?"

I really don't know if I've ever sincerely worried or thought about such -- meaning comparing myself to others. There have definitely been times where I've thought, "You're looking good today!" or "Eh, you've looked better, kid..." (Yes, I honestly talk to myself like that.) But I've always evaluated such based on myself and only myself, never based on what was attractive to someone.

I don't know if I sincerely worry about such now, but the question definitely posed itself, and I don't know how to answer... and I don't think I need an answer.

Even though I'm "on the market" I haven't really been actively pursuing any relationships yet. I want to focus on getting a stable, non-pendulous life going before I throw in yet another dynamic. Of course, if a relationship presents itself sans pursuit, I wouldn't object.

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