I want to respond to some of what he said:
"Realistic" could mean one of two things here: 1) not going to happen in any place but my dreams; or 2) not useful/practical.
I'll address the second under a later heading.
However, I don't think it impossible to be able to find one guy who is willing to wait to have sex until we're married.
Difficult? Most definitely.
Impossible? Not totally.
Admittedly, saving all this [Amanda from Ugly Betty gesture] all for myself right now is rather selfish.
Admittedly, if the guy I'm dating does not share my desire to wait until marriage but I expect him to anyway, I can definitely see how that could be selfish of me.
However, such is why I'm forthright about my deal breaker. If a guy does not want to wait until marriage, he shouldn't date me... and, yes... I can see how that could be selfish (again--all this [Amanda gesture]) and limiting to myself... but:
"it's Antiquated Religious Tripe"
My desire to wait until marriage actually doesn't have much to do with my religious and spiritual beliefs.
I'm not waiting until I'm married because I'm afraid that something horrible will happen to me if I don't. I'm not afraid of God's wrath or judgments.
I'm waiting because, like I said, I find it horribly romantic, being with one person in my life and waiting until we're totally committed before we have sex.
I feel like it makes sex much more special, like when I took state with a perfect score in drama my senior year in high school... or when I made BYU's exclusive ballroom team having had only one semester of ballroom, beating out guys who have taken ballroom for years.
That level of exclusiveness... well... kind of turns me on, to be blunt, and I think it would make me enjoy sex just that much more.
Now, I agree that love != sex and vice-versa. But coupling sex with love and official commitment just ads to the exclusiveness and really heightens my desire to wait.
"it's Not Practical/Healthy"
I agree, 100%, that sexual compatibility is vital to a marriage.
However, and I may completely naïf, I think that it's possible to tell sexual compatibility without actually having sex.
I hope I don't embarrass [You], but from cuddling with him during a few movies, I had an idea of what sex would be like with him. And while I've yet to kiss anyone, I would assume kissing would give a very strong understanding of what sex would be like with the other person.
I believe it's completely vital during dating, when things are getting more and more serious, to talk about sex, one's expectations, desires, etc. -- it is possible to talk about it without having it.
Furthermore, from my habitual listening to Love Line and my watching Talk Sex with Sue Johanson when I'm able, it seems that most things can be worked out with open communication during sex.
There are, nonetheless, three things that usually become deal breakers as far as sexual compatibility goes:
- Significant differences in desired genital size;
- Significant differences in desired... roughness... for lack of a better word right now; and
- Significant differences in sex drive;
Granted, one could argue, "How would one know what one's preference is without ever having sex?" And one would ask a good question. Nonetheless, referring to what I've heard on the aforereferenced shows, unless there's a significant difference, things can be worked out... and even if there is a significant difference, there are still ways of working around it.
Furthermore, with roughness, I would assume (again, maybe I'm just being ignorant) that kissing would give a good understanding of what each prefers... as probably with the sex drive.
Hell, without having ever kissed anyone, I have a pretty darn good idea of my sex drive, how often I would like to have sex, how often I would be able to settle for, and how often would simply be insufficient.
Again, open communication before marriage is key and, I believe, will give more than a sufficient understanding of sexual compatibility.
I also agree that using virginity as a worthiness test is ridiculous. I am 100% willing to marry someone who isn't a virgin, as long as he's cool marrying someone who is.
While I also agree that the typical value of virginity is rooted in rather sexist beliefs -- women being seen as vessels of male heirs -- I think there was also a health reason for celibacy before marriage in the "Bible years." That is to say, an STD that now can be cured with a simple course of antibiotics was deadly back in the day. It's another example of ignorance of science explained away by God.
Now with our advances in science and safe practices, sex is much, much less dangerous. As far as "it's dangerous not to wait until marriage," I'm not convinced.
However, as far as, "waiting until marriage puts sex on a more elevated and special plane" I am completely convinced, and that's what I'm seeking.
back to Religion & Spirituality
This all isn't to say that there isn't some root of spirituality to my decision.
I do believe that God would have one wait until marriage to have sex.
It's just that my reasoning isn't because "it's evil if you don't and you'll go to hell and be punished and cursed and scorned, etc. ad nauseum" but because there's something godly about making things (not just sex) as special and, dare I say, exalted as they possibly can become.