I am an avid watcher of VH1's Celebrity Rehab and Sober House.
They hit home in a very real way. You see... I am an addict.
I've just been sober all my life.
I know in a very real and sacred way that I would have turned to opiates/narcotics in an attempt to bandage the pain that was the past seven years of my life.
Stepping back into the Bishop's office a few weeks ago triggered that need again. A need I've never fed, but it's still there in the back of my head, itching -- finding any excuse to convince me to use.
Hearing, "... you're broken... you're broken... you're broken..."
Being treated like "... you're broken... you're broken... you're broken..."
Knowing my friends and family think "... you're broken... you're broken... you're broken..."
It all summons the demon.
I fear this demon in the most gut-wrenching way possible.
I am terrified that if my family rejects my future husband, if my family rejects me (as the actual definition of marriage is merging two as one; therefore, if my family rejects the one to whom I am married, my family rejects me), then the demon will be able to use that initial breakdown and pain to convince me to use for the first time.
And then I'll have destroyed everything.
Trust me, this isn't just some frivolous fear. This isn't just some small, "It could happen."
The disease is constantly trying to find any excuse to feed.
It is uncannily haunting to hear the addicts talking on the aforementioned VH1 programs and to understand completely what they're saying -- even though I've never used.
Okay... that's technically a lie. A few months ago, my mom had some work done on her teeth (in preparation for her mission). She was prescribed Lortab but wasn't taking it (she didn't like the side effects).
I convinced my mom to give me her unused Lortab prescription by telling her I just wasn't able to sleep and that the Lortab helped.
Emotionally, I was in a really good place. There wasn't anything that was triggering the need... the drugs were simply there, I knew I could get them, so I got them and licked the walls of the metaphorical gingerbread house of my disease.
Talking with my bishop triggered the desperate part of this disease, the part that demands, "Screw this, screw them... you need me."
The pain caused by my family rejecting me... there's a scary chance I would agree with the above.
And to delve even more deeply into what is painful, having my homosexuality being compared to this demon... to hear them preach that my being gay is a disease... well, it's really the only thing that truly offends me.
The demon of addiction is a black hole and a means to simply cover up and hide pain.
My homosexuality, I have found, is something that fosters a genuine happiness and light in my life. It doesn't cover up or mask, it heals.
To have my family not want me to pursue a husband and a family is a statement to me that they do not want me to heal... because it offends their belief in God as dictated to them by the leaders of the LDS Church.
If I am truly healed by a husband and a family with him, if such truly brings me joy, then the Brethren are wrong. And if the Brethren are wrong, then where does that leave the Church?
It threatens their testimony that the Brethren are basically god figures here on Earth. And it easier for them to sacrifice me than these idols.
idolise: love unquestioningly and uncritically1To them, if the Brethren are wrong, then their entire belief in God is wrong... because they worship the Brethren; they revere what the Brethren say as equally as they revere what God would say.
There's not a more honest way of putting it. Sure, I could perhaps couch it in terms that would infer such while sounding more polite... but we need to start being honest here.
Completely and bluntly honest.
So, to prevent them from seeing me being healed as I pursue a husband and a family with him, they would shut me out to protect their testimonies of their idols.
For their gods, they will sacrifice me. That's what they demand from on high.
Do they not see this? How could they not see this?
Part of it, I'm sure, are the lies.
Homosexuality is a gateway to polygamy, to incest, to pedophilia, to bestiality. Children are damaged when raised by gay couples.
Of course, those each are completely separate posts in of themselves.
What I'm trying to emphasize here is that I don't think I can handle being nailed to the cross they've erected with my name on it.
I really don't think I can.
In all admission, right now, my demon is tempting me, "I do not threaten their testimonies; I would not make them uncomfortable -- the Brethren are right about me; I'll ruin your life -- not like homosexuality. Homosexuality is too threatening to them; they'll never accept you as a happy, healthy gay man as one with a husband, raising happy, healthy children. They wouldn't dare allow that, it's too scary, it goes against their gods' preachings. They'll shut you out if you take that route; however, as a broken druggie, there's safety. You wouldn't even need to hide it. They'll be there for you... and you wouldn't need that actual healing; I'll keep you numb... I'm really the only thing you need.
"Besides... they're going to reject you if you seek out happiness and healing... and you know you'll be too weak to resist me anyway. There's really no other ending here. That cash you have in your wallet... give it to me..."
And, so, for the sake of their gods, I am tempted to destroy my life. I am really... well, I'm scared.
... because my family would rather hold to their idolatry than to their son and brother.
And there's no way to compete with gods.
Seeing the hell it is to be a using addict and knowing my family, some of my friends, and the LDS Church would be more comfortable seeing me struggling through rehabs and sober houses and relapses than as a happy gay man providing a caring, loving home for children who are begging God every hour for a family -- because the former conforms to their beliefs while the latter would require adjustments... it's... well, there isn't a strong enough word to explain what it is.
Suffice it to say that it makes the world a very ugly and undesirable place to live. A place that begs to be numbed out and shaded away.
1Idolise. Dictionary.com. WordNet® 3.0. Princeton University. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Idolise (accessed: February 08, 2009).