Kerosene Hat

I forget how standoffish I can appear to be. Those who know me best will -- hopefully -- tell you that I'm really not a cold and unfriendly person... but I definitely come across as such when you first meet me.

Volunteering at a highschool to work with theatre kiddies has really reminded me of such. The children (I say "children" only because of their ages; I look as young as they) seem terrified of me at first. Then those who have the courage to work with me seem to warm up quickly.

As is my nature, I kept observing my initial unapproachable aloofness in order for me to figure out how I can be more welcoming to any stranger that may come my way... and I think I finally figured out what the deal is:

You see, I have multiple personalities... er... not multiple personalities, just an extremely "balanced" personality -- for example, whenever I take the Hartman Personality Test (which categorizes the testees into different colour groups), I get the exact same score in each of the colour groups... well, sometimes I might have one more red or on less yellow, but otherwise, my scores for the colours are extremely close -- if not precisely the same.

Now, the Hartman Personality Test really tests one's outward personality. When I take, say the Jung / Myers & Briggs Personality tests -- which really tests one's inward personality -- I test as an extremely strong INTP.

Now, when this oddly balanced outward personality and this heavily casted inward personality mix, you get -- among many other things -- my initial aloofness.

You see, my INTP-ness tells me that I cannot convey any outward "colour" personality (as I have all from which to choose) until I know the appropriate behavior for the situation. Because of this, I most often am 'blank' in regards to my outward personality (which causes the cold and uninviting aloofness) until my INTP analytics determine which outward personality is best.

To perhaps put it in more simply: when I meet someone new, I don't know if the red-portion of my outward personality works the best with this new someone -- of if the white, yellow, blue, or combinations of the four will work best. I have to get to know this new someone before I can be myself -- or the 'myself' that meshes the most precisely with this new someone.

This is why I am almost completely different with different people -- for example, with Craig I am rather pensive and theoretical; whereas, with Kristy, I have been known to... say... model in a Gap store window facing the street.

Of course, this all makes it very difficult for people to get to know me -- since my me really depends on those who are around me at any given time.

Perhaps the obvious next logical question is, "Well, who is me when nobody's around?"

... but that's for another post, I suppose.