Maybe You'll Be There :: Heavy

Dear Family,

You are all aware of my heavy heart, and you have all expressed your love for me. I am extremely grateful for your love... but I have to be completely honest: However great your love is for me, it does not repair the damage done by what you believe about me and those in my situation.

I will do my best to explain:

Boyd K. Packer once said, “However much other kinds of love may satisfy--the platonic, charitable, compassionate kinds of love--and however much one must enjoy a measure of love from his family, from his fellow men--a little love from many--to be really happy, and to find true joy, it is crucial that we have the complete, unshared, fully-expressed love of one.” (bolds and italics added)

It is believed not only by the Church but by most of you that this crucial need to find true joy is something I cannot have, something that I must live without in this life. You claim you love me and want me to be truly happy but that you cannot sustain me in seeking out that which even the Brethren have defined as the means to true joy. This stance seems extremely incongruent to me.

Now, I understand your desires are based on what you believe eternity holds. As Joseph F. Smith put it, “It has always been a cardinal teaching with the Latter-day Saints, that a religion which has not the power to save the people temporally and make them prosperous and happy here cannot be depended upon to save them spiritually, and exalt them in the life to come.”

To paraphrase: It doesn’t matter what the Church offers for and believes about the eternities. If she cannot offer me true happiness and prosperity here, her offers for and beliefs about my exaltation are not reliable.

By the Church’s very own standards of evaluation, her promises of eternal life to homosexuals are unreliable as she does not have the power to make us prosperous and happy here – again, by the Church’s very own standards of evaluation, “to be really happy, and to find true joy, it is crucial that we have the complete, unshared, fully-expressed love of one.”

If the Church could alter homosexuality now, then the promises made to homosexuals about what is believed concerning exaltation could then be reliable. Nevertheless, as even the Brethren, themselves, are finally starting to admit, these attractions do not change in this life.

If the Church could make mixed-orientation marriage work most of the time now, then the promises made to homosexuals about what is believed concerning exaltation could then be more reliable. Nevertheless, as even the Brethren, themselves, are finally starting to admit, mixed-orientation marriages are not appropriate for most.

Nevertheless, as I have decided to deter from unreliable promises, as I have decided to seek out true happiness now, I am condemned and my choices demeaned – not necessarily by mouth, but by belief.

I do not argue that you shouldn’t feel how you feel – you must believe what you believe. All I am saying is that it hurts me to think that those who proclaim love for me do not sincerely desire true happiness for me now. It hurts me to think that those who proclaim love for me do not believe that I am entitled to true happiness now, that I should not and cannot seize it, that I must live without it here on Earth.

It hurts me to think that those who proclaim love for me do not see this prejudice within their own hearts. It hurts me to think that those who proclaim love for me believe God shares this prejudice, and that they are, therefore, justified to treat me and those in my situation unequally.

And it hurts me most of all that those who proclaim love for me do not desire that which brings true happiness (“the complete, unshared, fully-expressed love of one”) to be eternal for me and those in my situation (meaning “the complete, unshared, fully-expressed love of one” whom I will find here, during this probationary time where everyone else is allowed and encouraged to find the same).

I understand that, through the Atonement, I could be changed. However, to be blunt, just as equally through the Atonement, I could also be sealed to someone I have found to love completely here and now without change. I do not understand why the latter is not vehemently hoped for me and those in my position, that it is not vehemently hoped that we can have this extreme joy of “the complete, unshared, fully-expressed love of one” here and now and that it can be eternal.

It absolutely troubles me that my ultimate joy is not hoped and prayed for. Christ is the Law; He has the power to make it happen! Why, why, why, why, why, why, why do you not hope for that? Why do you not pray for that? Why do you not want that for me? Why are you so satisfied that, in order for me to have such now, I have to be thrown out of the Church and have my eternal bonds (and perhaps even temporal bonds) to you stripped away?

For centuries, extremely worthy men and women have prayed for these attractions to go away, but the attractions do not change. This has caused indescribable suffering and agony. Why must this horrible pain continue? Please, I do not understand, why cannot we change our prayers?

For centuries, extremely worthy men and women have entered into incomplete marriages (meaning without the complete love a marriage need have as a foundation). This has caused indescribable suffering and agony. Why must this horrible pain continue? Please, I do not understand, why cannot we change our prayers?

It pains me to know that those who proclaim love for me are satisfied with how things are (and expect me and those in my situation to be thusly satisfied). It hurts beyond any hurt I could describe.

This is why my heart is heavy. This is why I am injured. This is why I cry.


Again, you are entitled to believe what you believe... but please know that this belief that I am not entitled to that which is crucial to true joy here, that such is not allotted me in this life, that it is not truly my right to pursue happiness here and now, that I must be content with such causes extreme pain. Please know that if you feel you must hold onto this belief, I will most likely have to walk away from the family – only because I must protect my mental health and the health of my future family from the pain caused by this prejudice.

And I will be pursuing a family, a male spouse and adopted children. I have found, by vast and undeniable example, such is the most meaningful, prosperous, and joyful of lives. I believe wholeheartedly I am entitled to the most meaningful, prosperous, and joyful of lives now – not just later. I am completely at peace before God with this decision, and I hope, one day, God will reveal that my future family can, indeed, be eternal. (And, honestly, what is the most loving and most merciful and most understanding thing to be done? Is that not what Christ would do if Christ is accurately represented within the Book of Mormon ?)

I hope, one day, you will sincerely want, hope, and pray this for me. I hope, one day, that my future family will sincerely be seen and treated just as any of your families. I hope, one day, you will be able to sincerely say to me, “I love you because of who you are and the choices you make” instead of “I love you no matter what you do.”

But that is up to you and your consciences.

Love,

Andrew