Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Endless Night

These past few weeks have been rather low for me.

I think I'm experiencing a mild form of PTSD -- very mild, mind you -- with being in another show as a chorus member. I've been having old emotions that I used to hide, with the help acting's guises, back in high school. That fear of being gay that I buried deep, deep inside me back then is all gushing up.

Rehearsals have become almost unbearable as, afterward, I experience what I never wanted to experience as a teenager.

I'll be very much relieved when this show is over on the 27th.

In other news, I've been needing to get my teeth taken care of for quite a while... and by "quite a while" I mean about 5 years. I was a little worried how much it was going to cost, but fortune smiled upon me, and my dentist's son has been dying to learn tap, so we'll be trading services.

It's times like these that make me hesitant to dismiss the existence of a God who is watching over me. But, I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure where I sit with such a concept right now.

I want to believe. It's nice to think that there's a purpose in all this, that one day we will all finally get what we deserve. It's nice to think that there's someone up there, who knows everything, calling all the shots. But, sometimes, I wonder if it's all just a nice little story that helps us sleep at night and push on through the daily drudge.

Don't get me wrong, though. It's not that I don't believe. It's just that I'm unsure right now. I still pray. I still read scriptures. I still meditate and ponder. And I'm not just "going through the motions." It's all sincere and honest.

I guess time will tell...


  1. I feel like for me, I still believe, but I stopped doing all the motions... weird.

  2. Existence is too big of an anomaly to ponder, yet we're naturally inclined to do so.

    When I hear the word "God", I don't think about an omnipotent version of daddy anymore. I also get a bit unnerved at the thought of simply not "being" when I die.

    Then again, I don't remember the time before, so in a sense I had no time line. I just...wasn't. An odd thought, but it's relatively new. I need time for new thoughts to settle in.