Warning: This post is prompted by the ever beautiful 'poor me syndrome.' That is, I will be bemoaning my circumstances and professing them more pitiful than others. This is, by no means, a way to get pity or sympathy but rather a necessary venting to someone other than my sister who doesn't deserve or need my venting and comparing my situation to hers. And, really, this venting is so that I can be the support my sister needs right now.
I have been... paralyzed in a sense. I am terrified of dating. I don't know where that's going to put me with my parents and some of my siblings. True, the trial won't hit until I'm actually in a steady, serious relationship -- but that's where dating leads.
I am ready to start dating, but I don't know if I'm ready to give up the relationship I have with my family. Granted, my relationship with every one of my siblings isn't in jeopardy. One of my brothers and his wife are fantastic about the whole thing. In fact, their response when my parents' told them about me being gay was the best response someone could get, I think: "If anything, we love him more."
I'm wishing my entire family felt that way. It really, really, really sucks to think that I may be cut off. So much so that I have been avoiding the whole dating thing altogether.
For example, my roommate had a party yesterday at our place. I knew there would be single gay guys coming over... so I went and hid at my sister's house. She wasn't even home; I just sat and watched movies by my lonesome -- Kung Fu Panda gets my recommendation -- and fought the urge to go have fun -- because I might possibly meet someone.
Ten o'clock rolled around, and I figured most of the party would be gone, so I headed back. There were still some people left, so I zip-lined straight to my room and watched 3rd Rock from the Sun -- my current favorite TV show... I may spend money I don't have and buy season 1 on DVD... but I digress. But I wasn't free; my roommate came into my room five minutes later and had me meet his friends.
So I went out for about a minute-point-five, said, "S'up" and slinked back into my room. To be honest, I would have stayed to hang out, but there was a guy that I thought was cute and, therefore, threatening.
Turns out, this guy wanted to talk me more, too...
So, I think, well, do I get his number and ask him out? And, BAM, I feel all paralyzed. I mean, it's not like I'm thinking anything beyond some first date with a guy I don't really know... but, still, it really would be my first step into actually being gay. It would be my first step into actually distancing myself from my family. And it's a horribly cripling feeling.
Furthermore... a minute-and-a-half and I wasn't safe... It totally shattered my illusionary safety-blanket of "Well, even if I were to go out and meet people, nobody would be interested in me -- especially someone in whom I may be interested."
Then, this morning, I wake up to my sister texting me with her chagrins concerning her friend who, she wishes, would consider her as a girlfriend -- in fact, their behavior is 100% boyfriend-girlfriend; he just has trepidations and what-not (I won't go into details).
Her situation really is frustrating... but sometimes I want to yell at her, "You know what!? At least the family is rooting for you!! At least the family is hoping that he will work out his trepidations! At least if he does, he'll be 100% a part of the family! Try being gay, having most of the family hoping that you'll never meet anyone ... having most of the family say, 'If you do meet someone, he can't be 100% a part of the family; he can perhaps visit, but keep your visits short' ... and then you can tell me it sucks!!"
It can be tough sitting and listening to my sister when, really, I would kill to have what she has. It sucks that she's in love with a guy who isn't sure where he is in life -- been there (somewhat even on the other side). It's rather terrifying to think that things may not work out for her -- but she has the support of the family; that fear is shared by everyone within the family.
Sometimes I feel so completely alone and unsupported. I mean, I do have friends and what-not who are completely supportive of me... I don't mean to downplay the importance of friends... but my family is so closely knit and wound together. Being cut or blotted out of that tapestry hurts... a lot. It is a completely solitary feeling, as though I'm standing on the moon, nobody else around... no oxygen to breath... no hopes of any spaceships coming to save me... and I'm hating it.