So, you know how I was just posting that I could really use about $2K by today?
Well, I did my taxes today, and I'm getting just enough of a refund that I'll be able to afford what I need.
Seriously... am I dreaming? This is all working out perfectly -- in the literal sense of the word, no hyperbolizing [sic].
God is good.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Famous Last Words
Don't ask me why, but I've been wondering what my last words are going to be. I've narrowed the possibilities down to the following:
- I told you that one isn't loaded. Here, try this one.
- Is that a stop sign or a yield sign?
- Wow, that's a lot of blood!
- What's a platypus doing here?
- Scrud... run... RUN!
- Connect side A to side B...
- Come on, Andrew, don't chicken out now.
- Unicorns are real!
- I don't care what the expiration date says, it's still good.
- That smell is oddly familiar...
- I've got to touch it... I just have to touch it...
- She's not a lesbian.
- Psh... flammable my derrière.
- Stop, that tickles!
- I knew that was a bad idea.
- I swear, I have no idea what you're talking about.
- It's not quite even.
- Screw you, Bigfoot.
- Hey, mom, it's Andrew. What does it mean if my snot is purple?
- ... that doesn't feel right...
- It's syncopated.
- No, I'M Kristin Chenoweth's biggest fan!!
- I told you that one isn't loaded. Here, try this one.
- Is that a stop sign or a yield sign?
- Wow, that's a lot of blood!
- What's a platypus doing here?
- Scrud... run... RUN!
- Connect side A to side B...
- Come on, Andrew, don't chicken out now.
- Unicorns are real!
- I don't care what the expiration date says, it's still good.
- That smell is oddly familiar...
- I've got to touch it... I just have to touch it...
- She's not a lesbian.
- Psh... flammable my derrière.
- Stop, that tickles!
- I knew that was a bad idea.
- I swear, I have no idea what you're talking about.
- It's not quite even.
- Screw you, Bigfoot.
- Hey, mom, it's Andrew. What does it mean if my snot is purple?
- ... that doesn't feel right...
- It's syncopated.
- No, I'M Kristin Chenoweth's biggest fan!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Checking the Oil
In the comments of JGW's post, Does Being in a Gay Relationship Make One Happy? Does Gay Love Qualify as Love?, Ty Mansfield mentioned his strong spiritual revelation of an eternal future with a female eternal companion.
JGW also expresses his strong spiritual revelations that his relationship with his husband will be eternal.
Some gay Mormons feel adamant, with the backing of spiritual confirmation, that they were heterosexual before the world was and will be heterosexual (at the very least for one of the opposite sex) after this world.
Some gay Mormons feel adamant, with the backing of spiritual confirmation, that they were homosexual before the world was and will be homosexual after this world.
So... which one is it (if it is either)?
Yes, that is a rhetorical question. I do have my answer -- which is found within the Doctrine & Covenants:
I believe they are all right. The truth about who I will be as a perfected being is dependent upon my nature. My independent nature.
I who am naturally talented in the Performing Arts. I who am naturally talented in the Computer Sciences.
I who am naturally prone to impatience and impulsiveness.
I who am naturally attracted to men. I who am naturally a man, myself.
My truth is dependent upon all that.
My joy is dependent upon all that.
To me, joy is a state of confidence, happiness, and well-being (even during trying and difficult times) brought to pass through the development and progression of one's truth, one's nature.
Take Ballroom, for example. I have a natural talent for Ballroom. I've never had major problems holding a proper frame (save with Samba Rolls), proper technique comes quickly to me, etc.
That's not to say it isn't difficult. That's not to say I'm perfect or anywhere near. I have a lot of work to do. A lot of my talent is still quite raw and needs much refinement.
That's also not to say that it's always pleasant. I had a partner that made it quite unpleasant. My big toenails almost fell of a couple weeks ago.
But even during the challenging and painful times, even when I dance with partners I don't like (definitely not the case with my current partner), I am in a state of overwhelming confidence, happiness, and well-being when I am dancing Ballroom.
But it's not Ballroom that brings joy. It's my developing and augmenting this natural talent of mine that spawns the joy.
I apply the same concept to everything -- including sexuality.
I fully believe JGW's eternal happiness will be found within his relationship with his husband, because that's what he has testified in regards to his personal revelations, to his truth.
I fully believe Ty's eternal happiness will be found in a heterosexual relationship, because that's what he has testified in regards to his personal revelations, to his truth.
Again, truth is independent.
Just as much as it would be ludicrous for me to expect anyone else to find joy in Ballroom, it is ludicrous -- in my opinion -- for one to expect another to find joy in those things that bring joy to that one.
Now, I understand the sentiment, "This is bringing me such a great joy, come partake!"
I would love for all my nieces and nephews to take Ballroom.
More deeply, though, I want my nieces and nephews to experience the sense of confidence, happiness, and well-being I get from Ballroom.
This is, I believe, the core of where Mormons and other like religious sects stand on homosexuality. My parents, for example, want me to be happy. Their marriage and family is the greatest source of happiness in their lives -- and that's what they want for me.
Unfortunately, they ignore this concept of independent truth.
From my personal spiritual experiences, I sincerely believe that I was homosexual before this world was, that I will be homosexual when this world will be no more, and that my joy in regards to eternal companionship is dependent upon this part of my "sphere of creation."
In fact, as I read Scott & Sarah's recent posts on Patriarchal Blessings (PB), I am reminded of my own PB. I believe I was 12 when I received my PB. There are some things that seemed so mysterious to me (including the portion that mentioned something about my life in the pre-existance). Mysterious until I began to accept my homosexuality, then things started to really click.
There were even things that didn't start "coming to pass" until I decided to find a husband. In fact, I remember thinking the wording concerning my eternal companion and those with whom I would be reunited after this life was odd... until I decided to find a husband.
Concerning joy, when I was trying to live according to the Church's guidelines, expecting heterosexuality (either in this life or the next), I was... well, I was miserable.
But when I stepped out of those guidelines, I started to feel an overwhelming sense of confidence, happiness, and well-being... even during the trying and sad times.
Of course and again, I am not foolish enough to expect that such a route will bring happiness to anyone but myself.
For example, I highly doubt Ty would find true joy through this same route.
He is not I and I am not He. Since truth is independent, my truth is not his nor is his truth mine.
I wish we could all remember this.
I wish we could all trust each other to know ourselves and act appropriately to seek joy, to seek to develop our independent natures, our independent truths.
I wish we could also all remember that joy cannot be brought back as misery nor misery as joy (Alma 41:12-13). Inasmuch as something that brings misery cannot be justified for joy in the end, something that brings joy cannot be justified for misery in the end.
Such is my response to those that would say, "I want you to be happy -- not just now happy, but forever happy."
If it is something that truly makes me "now happy," then it is something that can only be restored to something that makes me "forever happy." Again, by "happy," I mean "joy" or a state of confidence, happiness, and well-being (even during trying and difficult times) brought to pass through the development and progression of one's truth, one's nature.
If it is something that does good, then it is something that can only be restored to goodness. So, in regards to gay marriage, how is providing good homes for the world's orphans -- something very good -- going to be restored to something evil? How is creating a companionship for those who are not intended to be alone -- something very good -- going to be restored to something evil?
Granted, it could be said, "How could something defined as evil -- gay sex -- be restored to something good?"
This is definitely a valid question, but I must ask: What is evilness?
In my mind, if our purpose is to have joy (2 Nephi 2:25), then righteousness is that which brings to pass joy. If evilness is the opposite of righteousness, then evilness is that which brings to pass the opposite of joy. If the opposite of joy is misery, then evilness is that which brings to pass misery.
Now, if joy is developing one's nature, then misery is degrading one's nature.
For one who is naturally heterosexual, homosexual sex will bring misery... because it degrades one's natural heterosexuality. For a heterosexual, homosexual sex is evil.
For one who is naturally homosexual (true, some do not believe this is possible), homosexual sex s a component of developing one's nature; therefore, it is a means of joy, and, therefore, not evil and can only be restored to goodness.
(And, let's be honest here, the main audience of the Bible and other such scriptures is the heterosexual white male.
(And, let's be further honest here, the General Authorities are just that, General Authorities. Generally, people are heterosexual.
(Don't get me wrong though, I didn't start with such "they're speaking for the general population." I started with, "Wait, this isn't bringing misery to some people... what's the deal?" and then I came to the general conclusion.)
Granted, such a conclusion is dependent upon whether or not one can truly be homosexual in nature, and I cannot say that I know such. All I know is that I strongly believe such is true about me, I have seen great joy in homosexual couples, and I have seen a great good being brought to pass through homosexual couples adopting children.
The only thing that would suggest homosexuality is evil despite all of this are the words of general authorities... and when everything else contradicts words, I tend to trust that everything else instead of the words.
JGW also expresses his strong spiritual revelations that his relationship with his husband will be eternal.
Some gay Mormons feel adamant, with the backing of spiritual confirmation, that they were heterosexual before the world was and will be heterosexual (at the very least for one of the opposite sex) after this world.
Some gay Mormons feel adamant, with the backing of spiritual confirmation, that they were homosexual before the world was and will be homosexual after this world.
So... which one is it (if it is either)?
Yes, that is a rhetorical question. I do have my answer -- which is found within the Doctrine & Covenants:
All truth is independent in that asphere in which God has placed it, to bact for itself, as all intelligence also; otherwise there is no existence.
I believe they are all right. The truth about who I will be as a perfected being is dependent upon my nature. My independent nature.
I who am naturally talented in the Performing Arts. I who am naturally talented in the Computer Sciences.
I who am naturally prone to impatience and impulsiveness.
I who am naturally attracted to men. I who am naturally a man, myself.
My truth is dependent upon all that.
My joy is dependent upon all that.
To me, joy is a state of confidence, happiness, and well-being (even during trying and difficult times) brought to pass through the development and progression of one's truth, one's nature.
Take Ballroom, for example. I have a natural talent for Ballroom. I've never had major problems holding a proper frame (save with Samba Rolls), proper technique comes quickly to me, etc.
That's not to say it isn't difficult. That's not to say I'm perfect or anywhere near. I have a lot of work to do. A lot of my talent is still quite raw and needs much refinement.
That's also not to say that it's always pleasant. I had a partner that made it quite unpleasant. My big toenails almost fell of a couple weeks ago.
But even during the challenging and painful times, even when I dance with partners I don't like (definitely not the case with my current partner), I am in a state of overwhelming confidence, happiness, and well-being when I am dancing Ballroom.
But it's not Ballroom that brings joy. It's my developing and augmenting this natural talent of mine that spawns the joy.
I apply the same concept to everything -- including sexuality.
I fully believe JGW's eternal happiness will be found within his relationship with his husband, because that's what he has testified in regards to his personal revelations, to his truth.
I fully believe Ty's eternal happiness will be found in a heterosexual relationship, because that's what he has testified in regards to his personal revelations, to his truth.
Again, truth is independent.
Just as much as it would be ludicrous for me to expect anyone else to find joy in Ballroom, it is ludicrous -- in my opinion -- for one to expect another to find joy in those things that bring joy to that one.
Now, I understand the sentiment, "This is bringing me such a great joy, come partake!"
I would love for all my nieces and nephews to take Ballroom.
More deeply, though, I want my nieces and nephews to experience the sense of confidence, happiness, and well-being I get from Ballroom.
This is, I believe, the core of where Mormons and other like religious sects stand on homosexuality. My parents, for example, want me to be happy. Their marriage and family is the greatest source of happiness in their lives -- and that's what they want for me.
Unfortunately, they ignore this concept of independent truth.
From my personal spiritual experiences, I sincerely believe that I was homosexual before this world was, that I will be homosexual when this world will be no more, and that my joy in regards to eternal companionship is dependent upon this part of my "sphere of creation."
In fact, as I read Scott & Sarah's recent posts on Patriarchal Blessings (PB), I am reminded of my own PB. I believe I was 12 when I received my PB. There are some things that seemed so mysterious to me (including the portion that mentioned something about my life in the pre-existance). Mysterious until I began to accept my homosexuality, then things started to really click.
There were even things that didn't start "coming to pass" until I decided to find a husband. In fact, I remember thinking the wording concerning my eternal companion and those with whom I would be reunited after this life was odd... until I decided to find a husband.
Concerning joy, when I was trying to live according to the Church's guidelines, expecting heterosexuality (either in this life or the next), I was... well, I was miserable.
But when I stepped out of those guidelines, I started to feel an overwhelming sense of confidence, happiness, and well-being... even during the trying and sad times.
Of course and again, I am not foolish enough to expect that such a route will bring happiness to anyone but myself.
For example, I highly doubt Ty would find true joy through this same route.
He is not I and I am not He. Since truth is independent, my truth is not his nor is his truth mine.
I wish we could all remember this.
I wish we could all trust each other to know ourselves and act appropriately to seek joy, to seek to develop our independent natures, our independent truths.
I wish we could also all remember that joy cannot be brought back as misery nor misery as joy (Alma 41:12-13). Inasmuch as something that brings misery cannot be justified for joy in the end, something that brings joy cannot be justified for misery in the end.
Such is my response to those that would say, "I want you to be happy -- not just now happy, but forever happy."
If it is something that truly makes me "now happy," then it is something that can only be restored to something that makes me "forever happy." Again, by "happy," I mean "joy" or a state of confidence, happiness, and well-being (even during trying and difficult times) brought to pass through the development and progression of one's truth, one's nature.
If it is something that does good, then it is something that can only be restored to goodness. So, in regards to gay marriage, how is providing good homes for the world's orphans -- something very good -- going to be restored to something evil? How is creating a companionship for those who are not intended to be alone -- something very good -- going to be restored to something evil?
Granted, it could be said, "How could something defined as evil -- gay sex -- be restored to something good?"
This is definitely a valid question, but I must ask: What is evilness?
In my mind, if our purpose is to have joy (2 Nephi 2:25), then righteousness is that which brings to pass joy. If evilness is the opposite of righteousness, then evilness is that which brings to pass the opposite of joy. If the opposite of joy is misery, then evilness is that which brings to pass misery.
Now, if joy is developing one's nature, then misery is degrading one's nature.
For one who is naturally heterosexual, homosexual sex will bring misery... because it degrades one's natural heterosexuality. For a heterosexual, homosexual sex is evil.
For one who is naturally homosexual (true, some do not believe this is possible), homosexual sex s a component of developing one's nature; therefore, it is a means of joy, and, therefore, not evil and can only be restored to goodness.
(And, let's be honest here, the main audience of the Bible and other such scriptures is the heterosexual white male.
(And, let's be further honest here, the General Authorities are just that, General Authorities. Generally, people are heterosexual.
(Don't get me wrong though, I didn't start with such "they're speaking for the general population." I started with, "Wait, this isn't bringing misery to some people... what's the deal?" and then I came to the general conclusion.)
Granted, such a conclusion is dependent upon whether or not one can truly be homosexual in nature, and I cannot say that I know such. All I know is that I strongly believe such is true about me, I have seen great joy in homosexual couples, and I have seen a great good being brought to pass through homosexual couples adopting children.
The only thing that would suggest homosexuality is evil despite all of this are the words of general authorities... and when everything else contradicts words, I tend to trust that everything else instead of the words.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Fetch!
I was watching PBS with some of my nieces and one of my nephews today.
A show called Fetch! was on. It's in game-show-esque format -- hosted by a cartoon dog, Ruff Ruffman -- and a rather typical educational programming cartoon.
You know, run of the mill, "Let's learn about insects and Pow-Wows!" type show.
And then it got to the Bone-Us Round.
Now, I know the dirty slang is lost on the kids -- and I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with it... but I do find it quite humorous.
A show called Fetch! was on. It's in game-show-esque format -- hosted by a cartoon dog, Ruff Ruffman -- and a rather typical educational programming cartoon.
You know, run of the mill, "Let's learn about insects and Pow-Wows!" type show.
And then it got to the Bone-Us Round.
Now, I know the dirty slang is lost on the kids -- and I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with it... but I do find it quite humorous.
Monday, January 26, 2009
And Found Me It Did
You know how I was just posting that I needed $30-$40K to get started with my ballroom program...
Well, due to a miraculous turn of events today, there's a good chance I won't need such after all. It's looking very promising that I will have access to a studio sufficient for my needs starting out.
This is all happening so fast and beautifully, I almost wonder if I'm dreaming.
My $30-$40K estimate of need has drastically dwindled to a $2,000 estimate of would really be helpful ('cause if I can get it before January 31st, I can save about $600 on some stuff I'll be purchasing for my ballroom program once I can afford it).
2009 is starting off well, forgetting that stint where I thought the LDS Church might actually value me as a member (I'm really happy, though, that my recent experience with the Church didn't speckle me with bitterness and hatred... I'm growing up!)
Well, due to a miraculous turn of events today, there's a good chance I won't need such after all. It's looking very promising that I will have access to a studio sufficient for my needs starting out.
This is all happening so fast and beautifully, I almost wonder if I'm dreaming.
My $30-$40K estimate of need has drastically dwindled to a $2,000 estimate of would really be helpful ('cause if I can get it before January 31st, I can save about $600 on some stuff I'll be purchasing for my ballroom program once I can afford it).
2009 is starting off well, forgetting that stint where I thought the LDS Church might actually value me as a member (I'm really happy, though, that my recent experience with the Church didn't speckle me with bitterness and hatred... I'm growing up!)
Sunday, January 25, 2009
It's Decided
I have decided that I am going to be a Ballroom instructor for the youth (pre-teen - 18).
I will raise up a killer Ballroom program where I'll have my own formation teams and we'll travel the country -- and maybe internationally, if the stars align financially -- to compete.
That is my chosen profession.
I'll probably moonlight as a computer programmer as well. Okay, not probably, it's certain.
I've already started. I have about 7 or 8 couples whom I will start preparing for BYU's upcoming Dance Sport. I'm excited. They're excited.
And I feel at home.
This is very important to me. Feeling like I belong.
Money has no value to me. Now that I'm a happy, optimistic person, material things have no value to me -- I once used them as distractions when I thought life was a tar pit of despair and suffering.
A sense of belonging is everything to me.
Ballroom and I, we belong together.
Teaching and I, we belong together.
Learning and I, we belong together.
So, I'm looking to get my own studio. My ballroom partner teaches ballet, so the studio would provide the facilities for ballet, ballroom, and tap lessons.
In fact, my ballroom partner has enough classes of ballet to secure the ability to fulfill the cost of leasing a studio -- she's renting from another studio right now (too small, floor is NOT appropriate for dancing -- which is the case with all dance studios in Tooele).
All that is needed is the initial cost of putting together a dance studio. I am hoping for a dance floorspace of about 30'x50'. I am estimating a start-up cost of $30,000 - $40,000. As I said in my last post, proper dance flooring and mirrors are costly. The great thing about it, though, is that the expensive things come with me if I ever need to move to a bigger studio (which I'll definitely be shooting for).
Where I'm going to come up with $30,000 - $40,000 eludes me at the moment, but I'm actually feeling quite confident about it.
This is definitely the most solid business idea I've ever had -- especially since the ability to pay the cost of leasing the real estate is secure even without my Ballroom & Tap classes.
I have 13 initial courses planned, and the number of courses will increase to 21 (not to mention the two or three formation teams) when the talent base in Tooele increases. And the number of classes of each course will, of course, depend on the interest here in Tooele -- which is growing quickly, especially in competition, and I will be the only studio to teach Ballroom (let alone competition-quality Ballroom).
It is officially my dream.
To be honest, I've never really had a dream. I've always had dreams, ideas that I would love to accomplish but about which I didn't have complete confidence or dedication. I would always have other dreams, other possibilities floating around my head at the same time.
This dream, however, is different. Compared to my other dreams, it is MarieBelle New York chocolates* to a Hershey's bar. Including my dream to perform on Broadway.
All the other dreams, it felt like I had to somehow weasel my way into them. I had to figure out how to fit.
This dream... it already feels like it fits.
In fact, it found me.
And now it's my move, raising $30,000 - $40,000.
*Okay, so I haven't actually had any MarieBelle chocolates, but damn they look absolutely delicious (and the packaging is very much my style).
I will raise up a killer Ballroom program where I'll have my own formation teams and we'll travel the country -- and maybe internationally, if the stars align financially -- to compete.
That is my chosen profession.
I'll probably moonlight as a computer programmer as well. Okay, not probably, it's certain.
I've already started. I have about 7 or 8 couples whom I will start preparing for BYU's upcoming Dance Sport. I'm excited. They're excited.
And I feel at home.
This is very important to me. Feeling like I belong.
Money has no value to me. Now that I'm a happy, optimistic person, material things have no value to me -- I once used them as distractions when I thought life was a tar pit of despair and suffering.
A sense of belonging is everything to me.
Ballroom and I, we belong together.
Teaching and I, we belong together.
Learning and I, we belong together.
So, I'm looking to get my own studio. My ballroom partner teaches ballet, so the studio would provide the facilities for ballet, ballroom, and tap lessons.
In fact, my ballroom partner has enough classes of ballet to secure the ability to fulfill the cost of leasing a studio -- she's renting from another studio right now (too small, floor is NOT appropriate for dancing -- which is the case with all dance studios in Tooele).
All that is needed is the initial cost of putting together a dance studio. I am hoping for a dance floorspace of about 30'x50'. I am estimating a start-up cost of $30,000 - $40,000. As I said in my last post, proper dance flooring and mirrors are costly. The great thing about it, though, is that the expensive things come with me if I ever need to move to a bigger studio (which I'll definitely be shooting for).
Where I'm going to come up with $30,000 - $40,000 eludes me at the moment, but I'm actually feeling quite confident about it.
This is definitely the most solid business idea I've ever had -- especially since the ability to pay the cost of leasing the real estate is secure even without my Ballroom & Tap classes.
I have 13 initial courses planned, and the number of courses will increase to 21 (not to mention the two or three formation teams) when the talent base in Tooele increases. And the number of classes of each course will, of course, depend on the interest here in Tooele -- which is growing quickly, especially in competition, and I will be the only studio to teach Ballroom (let alone competition-quality Ballroom).
It is officially my dream.
To be honest, I've never really had a dream. I've always had dreams, ideas that I would love to accomplish but about which I didn't have complete confidence or dedication. I would always have other dreams, other possibilities floating around my head at the same time.
This dream, however, is different. Compared to my other dreams, it is MarieBelle New York chocolates* to a Hershey's bar. Including my dream to perform on Broadway.
All the other dreams, it felt like I had to somehow weasel my way into them. I had to figure out how to fit.
This dream... it already feels like it fits.
In fact, it found me.
And now it's my move, raising $30,000 - $40,000.
*Okay, so I haven't actually had any MarieBelle chocolates, but damn they look absolutely delicious (and the packaging is very much my style).
A Touch of Honey
I need a rich sugar daddy.
At least long enough to get a dance studio started.
Dance floors & mirrors are expensive.
At least long enough to get a dance studio started.
Dance floors & mirrors are expensive.
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