"You're such an upstanding young man... do better."
I think that's why I'm having troubles with my self confidence. I mean, I have a rather healthy self-esteem. I frankly know I'm a pretty dern good catch.
Last Friday, after practicing Rumba with my ballroom partner, I thought, "You would make one fantastic husband, Andrew Pankratz!" We chilled, we danced, we joked, we laughed, we talked a little seriously. We had a great time. Well, I at least had a great time, and she at least seemed to. (Side note: I'm not implying any sort of crush, in the least bit here; I'm implying my skills in the platonic-side of a relationship.)
The other night, as I started to get ready to take a bath and noticed myself in the mirror, I thought, "... you know what, you're kind of sexy... imagine how you'd look with a tan... nice..." (Side note: no, I don't 'turn myself on' -- honestly."
I have been complemented myriads of times on my eyes. My lips have been described as "gorgeous" and "sexy" and "pout-y." I have been compared to greco-roman sculptures (by one who isn't wanting to get into my pants -- unless I'm completely oblivious). I have been called "cute" and "hot" and "adorable." (I actually prefer the first and last, by far.)
Hopefully I'm honest in saying that I've never let any of this go to my head, and I remain down to earth -- which, ironically I suppose, I really love about myself.
Yet I have zero confidence when it comes to thinking that someone would want me.
Now, don't take this as me saying, "Confirm that I'm as fantastic as I am" or "Tell me someone would want me" or anything like that.
I'm just saying I have a glitch in my thinking here. And I blame the LDS Church. Not in a bitter or "I demand retribution" way, but in a frank, bluntly honest, "It's the Church that screwed me up a little bit" way -- and only because, in understanding the source, I can perhaps have a better chance of fixing it.
And it's not just the gay issue. I've noticed this in a lot of Mormons (of all orientations). I mean, Mormons are always hearing, "You are doing such a good job... now improve!"
That last imperative completely breaks down what was built up with the complement.
Don't get me wrong, though, I think criticism is necessary. We need to know and understand where we need to improve.
The damage is in the implication. With the LDS Church, there is the implication that, even though God is pleased with you, He could be more pleased.
This creates this mindset of, "I'm still not good enough."
You know what, if our hearts are pure, then God is completely pleased with us, nothing lacking, no matter where we are in life -- no matter where we need to improve.
My high school drama teacher did a decent job with this. She critiqued like crazy, but I often felt that, no matter how many things I needed to fix, she was proud of me and grateful to have me on stage or competing for her.
Of course, if we do something blatantly wrong, there is going to be some displeasure. But that's if you're doing it on purpose.
For a hypothetical example: Say I'm babysitting two of my nieces. They are rough-housing near their parents' porcelain figurines. I tell them that they need to calm down because they might end up breaking the figurines while offering a few alternatives to their rough housing*. Instead of listening and choosing an alternative, they continue to rough house. Before I can intervene to protect the figurines, my nieces bump into the them, and they fall and break.
I would not be very pleased.
On the other hand, if they weren't rough housing but accidentally bumped into the figurines, then there would be absolutely no disappointment from me.
Anyway, I just got sidetracked by writing the post-script, "Chedner's parenting tip of the day" of this post. So I'll bring it back to my original thought: I think I would make one damn fine parent.
Anyone would be über lucky to have me as a husband and co-parent! I sincerely believe that... and yet there's that stinkin' glitch that says, "but you're still not über enough."
Damn glitch.
How do I fix it?
Actually, I think the only way to fix it is to ignore it and put myself out there, start fishing.
WHY IS IT SO DAMNED DIFFICULT!!!?!?! I enjoy alliteration, even if it is slight.
*Chedner's parenting tip of the dayƗ.
To effectively circumvent undesired behavior, calmly, lovingly, and without judgment:
get their attention, making and sustaining eye contact with them and being sure they are listening;
define the undesired behavior;
explicitly explain why such is undesirable;
Such explanations must be of natural, known/proven consequences of the undesirable behavior. If there are no actual, reference-able examples of the consequence, then there is no strong reason to actually believe the consequence will truly be levied.
The consequences must be strictly in line with the behavior. That is to say, for example, saying, "If you drink too much Dr. Pepper, you could get kidney stones. Uncle Henry got kidney stones from drinking too much Pepsi." Has room for doubt -- 'I'm not drinking Pepsi; I'm drinking Dr. Pepper.'
If the child has stronger examples of desirable consequences than the undesirable consequences you provide, there is also a great room for doubt.
If you cannot come up with a natural, known/proven consequence, then maybe you need to re-evaluate whether or not the behavior is actually undesirable.
The more explicit, the more effective -- the more vague, the more doubt there will be in the probability of the natural consequence. For example, "If you turn around in circles, you will get dizzy. If you're too dizzy around the fireplace, you may not be able to keep your balance, and you could fall and hit your head on the bricks. If you fall hard enough, it will cut your head open and can even crack your skull. It will hurt -- a lot. I don't want you to get hurt." is much more effective than "You could get hurt." It's easy to think, "Pssh, I won't get hurt" but almost impossible to think, "I won't get dizzy" (after all, the whole point is to get dizzy).
provide several desirable alternatives to the undesirable behavior;
Having a desirable alternative makes deserting the undesirable behavior easier (and desirable).
These alternatives must be desirable to everyone involved. If there is no desirable alternative for the "offender," then there's no reason to stop the undesirable behavior (because the undesirable behavior is actually desirable to them... and they're going to choose the most desirable option).
The desirable options must be more desirable to the "offender" than the undesirable behavior. Again, they will most likely (if not always) choose the most desirable option.
If the undesirable behavior is undesirable due to the setting, then an alternative may be the same behavior but in a different place if available. For example, turning around in circles isn't necessarily0 undesirable, it's the turning around in circles in places where falling is dangerous that's undesirable; therefore, you could offer turning around in circles in the big back yard as an alternative. For another example, playing noisily isn't necessarily undesirable, it's playing noisily where noise is inappropriate that's undesirable; therefore, you could offer playing noisily in the empty playroom as an alternative.
if the undesirable behavior continues, despite all the above, you may intervene with an unnatural consequence to prevent the natural consequence;
Never threaten with the unnatural consequence. The child should stop the undesirable behavior to avoid the natural consequence, not out of fear for the unnatural consequence. If the child is stopping to avoid the unnatural, then they have no reason to avoid the undesirable behavior when you are not around to apply the unnatural consequence. However, if the child is stopping to avoid the natural consequence, then they have every reason to avoid the undesirable behavior when nobody is around to apply the unnatural consequence.
Always explain that the unnatural punishment is being imposed to prevent the natural consequence. This reemphasizes the danger of the natural consequence, putting the focus on it instead of the unnatural consequence.
Always remain calm and loving. Any negative feelings emitted from you (your voice, body language, words, etc.) should be concern and worry for your child's well-being -- not anger et al. Sorrow and disappointment may be appropriate; however, such should always infer a concern for their well-being. This will establish and sustain an image of a loving, non-threatening parent instead of a vengeful and cold parent.
if the undesirable behavior continues, despite all the above (save 5), and the natural consequence is minor, you may want to allow the natural consequence;
The more your children see that you are being honest with them, the more reason they have to trust you. (Always be honest with your children.)
Always be there to make things better. This will establish and sustain a relationship where the child can go to you even after making a mistake. This will only be the case if you avoid judgment or a strict "I told you so" attitude. A smiling, lighthearted "I told you... now come here, and let's get you fixed up" may be appropriate (depending on the personality of the child).
if the undesirable behavior is stopped, thank and praise;
It is VITAL that your thank and praise your children often and not just when they stop undesirable behavior. If they only receive praise when they fix problem behavior, then they will associate praise with fixing problem behavior (which can only be done when problem behavior is initiated).
Referring to 4: It is VITAL that you offer desirable things to do at times when there is no problem behavior. If they know the only way you're going to offer to make cookies with them is to, themselves, initiate problem behavior... I think you can fill in the rest.
While there are some similarities, there are significant differences in the approach to effectively encourage your child to do something that is undesirable to him/her but desirable to you.
Ɨand frankly what the LDS Church is completely missing (save items 1&2) in their "don't be gay" stance.
Warning: This post contains some inappropriateness uncommon to my past posts.
I think I'm going through my man-period.
I'm all grumpy and have been taking things overly emotionally.
And I've been extremely horny.
I have a rather attractive straight friend who has propositioned me before...
Man, what's with all these temptations of unhealthy behavior, wanting to get all hopped up on opiates, wanting to do the deed with a straight guy?
One of my mom's famous taglines: "Satan's just bothering you because something really good is about to happen and he's trying to stop it from happening."
Suggested soundtrack for this post (click play on the video and then start reading my post; it is also recommended that you finish listening to the song if you're done reading before the song is over -- thanks, Two Blue Eyes, for the corny idea).
I am an avid watcher of VH1's Celebrity Rehab and Sober House.
They hit home in a very real way. You see... I am an addict.
I've just been sober all my life.
I know in a very real and sacred way that I would have turned to opiates/narcotics in an attempt to bandage the pain that was the past seven years of my life.
Stepping back into the Bishop's office a few weeks ago triggered that need again. A need I've never fed, but it's still there in the back of my head, itching -- finding any excuse to convince me to use.
Being treated like "... you're broken... you're broken... you're broken..."
Knowing my friends and family think "... you're broken... you're broken... you're broken..."
It all summons the demon.
I fear this demon in the most gut-wrenching way possible.
I am terrified that if my family rejects my future husband, if my family rejects me (as the actual definition of marriage is merging two as one; therefore, if my family rejects the one to whom I am married, my family rejects me), then the demon will be able to use that initial breakdown and pain to convince me to use for the first time.
And then I'll have destroyed everything.
Trust me, this isn't just some frivolous fear. This isn't just some small, "It could happen."
The disease is constantly trying to find any excuse to feed.
It is uncannily haunting to hear the addicts talking on the aforementioned VH1 programs and to understand completely what they're saying -- even though I've never used.
Okay... that's technically a lie. A few months ago, my mom had some work done on her teeth (in preparation for her mission). She was prescribed Lortab but wasn't taking it (she didn't like the side effects).
I convinced my mom to give me her unused Lortab prescription by telling her I just wasn't able to sleep and that the Lortab helped.
Emotionally, I was in a really good place. There wasn't anything that was triggering the need... the drugs were simply there, I knew I could get them, so I got them and licked the walls of the metaphorical gingerbread house of my disease.
Talking with my bishop triggered the desperate part of this disease, the part that demands, "Screw this, screw them... you need me."
The pain caused by my family rejecting me... there's a scary chance I would agree with the above.
And to delve even more deeply into what is painful, having my homosexuality being compared to this demon... to hear them preach that my being gay is a disease... well, it's really the only thing that truly offends me.
The demon of addiction is a black hole and a means to simply cover up and hide pain.
My homosexuality, I have found, is something that fosters a genuine happiness and light in my life. It doesn't cover up or mask, it heals.
To have my family not want me to pursue a husband and a family is a statement to me that they do not want me to heal... because it offends their belief in God as dictated to them by the leaders of the LDS Church.
If I am truly healed by a husband and a family with him, if such truly brings me joy, then the Brethren are wrong. And if the Brethren are wrong, then where does that leave the Church?
It threatens their testimony that the Brethren are basically god figures here on Earth. And it easier for them to sacrifice me than these idols.
Harsh? Exaggerated?
No.
True.
idolise: love unquestioningly and uncritically1
To them, if the Brethren are wrong, then their entire belief in God is wrong... because they worship the Brethren; they revere what the Brethren say as equally as they revere what God would say.
There's not a more honest way of putting it. Sure, I could perhaps couch it in terms that would infer such while sounding more polite... but we need to start being honest here.
Completely and bluntly honest.
So, to prevent them from seeing me being healed as I pursue a husband and a family with him, they would shut me out to protect their testimonies of their idols.
For their gods, they will sacrifice me. That's what they demand from on high.
Do they not see this? How could they not see this?
Part of it, I'm sure, are the lies.
Homosexuality is a gateway to polygamy, to incest, to pedophilia, to bestiality. Children are damaged when raised by gay couples.
Of course, those each are completely separate posts in of themselves.
What I'm trying to emphasize here is that I don't think I can handle being nailed to the cross they've erected with my name on it.
I really don't think I can.
In all admission, right now, my demon is tempting me, "I do not threaten their testimonies; I would not make them uncomfortable -- the Brethren are right about me; I'll ruin your life -- not like homosexuality. Homosexuality is too threatening to them; they'll never accept you as a happy, healthy gay man as one with a husband, raising happy, healthy children. They wouldn't dare allow that, it's too scary, it goes against their gods' preachings. They'll shut you out if you take that route; however, as a broken druggie, there's safety. You wouldn't even need to hide it. They'll be there for you... and you wouldn't need that actual healing; I'll keep you numb... I'm really the only thing you need.
"Besides... they're going to reject you if you seek out happiness and healing... and you know you'll be too weak to resist me anyway. There's really no other ending here. That cash you have in your wallet... give it to me..."
And, so, for the sake of their gods, I am tempted to destroy my life. I am really... well, I'm scared.
... because my family would rather hold to their idolatry than to their son and brother.
And there's no way to compete with gods.
Seeing the hell it is to be a using addict and knowing my family, some of my friends, and the LDS Church would be more comfortable seeing me struggling through rehabs and sober houses and relapses than as a happy gay man providing a caring, loving home for children who are begging God every hour for a family -- because the former conforms to their beliefs while the latter would require adjustments... it's... well, there isn't a strong enough word to explain what it is.
Suffice it to say that it makes the world a very ugly and undesirable place to live. A place that begs to be numbed out and shaded away.
6 [I] amarveled how it was that [my late brother] had obtained an binheritance in [the Celesital] kingdom, seeing that he had departed this life before the Lord had set his hand to cgather Israel the second time, and had not been dbaptized for the remission of sins.
7 Thus came the avoice of the Lord unto me, saying: All who have died bwithout a knowledge of this gospel, who would have received it if they had been permitted to tarry, shall be cheirs of the celestial kingdom of God;
8 Also all that shall die henceforth without a knowledge of it, who awould have received it with all their hearts, shall be heirs of that kingdom;
9 We believe all that God has arevealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet breveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.
I have held a theory for a little while concerning the necessity of being baptized into the LDS Church in order to inherit a celestial glory. The theory is quite simple and is based on the above references which, in sum, give us the following two principles:
The sole requirement to gain a celestial glory is to recieve the Gospel of Jesus Christ with all one's heart.
Our understanding of the Gospel is still missing important parts.
These two concepts would have me believe that those who presently would not receive the imperfect chunk of the Gospel we have right now with all their hearts but would receive the whole, nothing missing, Gospel with all hearts will receive celestial glories.
This is, of course, if their hearts receive fully the true, perfect parts of the Gospel we understand now but are merely being held back by the corrupted, imperfect parts still needing to be fixed -- as a past example, the belief the Church dropped concerning Blacks being unable to truly gain exaltation.
I think, in the end, there's going to be a lot of, "Hey, how come they made it into heaven and I didn't? I did everything your Church told me to, and they weren't even members!" with responses of "You & I, we weren't as close as you thought, kid."
So, I say, before we (okay, so I don't do this, but I know a lot of people who do) get all worried about our neighbor's eternal well-being because they aren't members of the Church nor do they have any desire to be members, let's remember we are still missing some important parts, which parts may be required before they can accept the Gospel completely.
After all, you really can't accept something completely that isn't complete, itself. You can completely accept the already complete parts, yes, but you can't completely accept a whole until it is complete.
