Saturday, September 5, 2009


or "I can't shake it; I just can't shake it tonight."

Oh the joys of recurrent major depressive disorder. You think you're doing well for a few months, even a whole year, and BAM!, out of nowhere, you're back to the "where can I stand to best increase my chances of being obliterated by lightning?" thoughts.

Things are even looking fantastic for me. The academy I've been building up with my friend is looking nothing but promising, and working for myself has been infinitely better than any other job I've ever had. There's no work for the sake of work. I am in charge of what I create, and there is always something new to create in dance.

The more I've worked for other people, the more I've realized that I was going to have to find a way to be my own boss, and I think (I hope, I hope, I hope) I've finally landed that ideal situation for me. I really think our (my friend and my) business plan is solid, the biggest problem we're going to face, from the way things are going right now, is not being able to expand quickly enough. That is, we presently don't have the resources to build the facilities we would need to not only fully bring our vision to fruition but to also hold all the classes our students will be ready for just next year!

If there's a problem we have to face, I think this is the one of the best ones.

Again, the future looks very exciting for me...

... yet, it takes all of my energy just to get out of bed. I'm constantly tired, yet can't sleep; I can't concentrate on anything for very long. I feel naught but worthless... and I just want it all to end, to be done with. I don't care about the exciting future ahead of me; I don't want a frickin' future.

It's all quite non sequitur -- which is why I'm going to see a therapist. Things are still just in the moderate stage, and I want to avoid the severe stage like an STD.

Hopefully I'll be able to finally learn how to deal with this disorder... and, with all due respect to a certain religion... I think I have a better chance this time as I'm not worrying what a certain group of suited gentlemen would have me do.


  1. Hey Andrew *hugs*

    If it is any consolation, I have been there...I myself recently entered a slump of depression. I withdrew by focusing on the fact that life is ever-continuing and that my faith is with me.

    Something else I have done is take up yoga. It is fascinating in that you really connect with your body and spirit. When you connect with yourself and know what is within, you in turn know the value of the person inside. That which is spirit.

    I hope this helps. I know you are not fond of phone calls...albeit, please feel free to call anytime.



  2. Oh, Michael, you sound like you really hate the church now. Is that how you feel? How can you hate something you once loved so much?