Sitting Out of the Circle

I wonder if this is how Blacks felt when they were segregated from the Priesthood... I guess I should backtrack...

One of my nieces was baptized and confirmed a member of the LDS church yesterday. It was the first time since being ordained and Elder in the church that I sat out of the Priesthood circle. It was the first time since I walked away from the LDS church's expectations of me that I sat through a church service. I actually plan on attending church meetings, but I needed to step back from such for a while... and after yesterday I think I'm going to need more time.

It's very confusing seeing a baptism, feeling the Spirit -- the same Spirit that led me to where I am today -- and knowing that I am not allowed the same privileges. It's very confusing feeling the closest to God than I've ever felt and not being allowed to stand in the Priesthood circle for my niece's confirmation. And I wonder if this is similar to how the Blacks felt.

I'm sure there are some difference... for example, I don't think the Blacks had the temptation to pretend to be white so they could be a member in full-standing. Yet, for me, there came that parallel temptation yesterday: just be straight. But it wasn't a prompting from the Spirit -- nor was it a prompting from elsewhere; rather, it was a desire to please and be accepted by my family, by the church, by some of my friends. It was a desire to escape the sporing contention around homosexuality. It was a desire to just live an easier life.

(Shazam; I just noticed $0.50 on my floor; I can get some chocolate at work tomorrow... anyway, back to the post...)

I'm usually filled with a whirlwind of emotions and inner contention with this temptation. It gives me such a sick, awful feeling in my duodenum... and I don't like it.