Thursday, April 30, 2009

Even Monkeys Have Feelings

Well, the swimming pool was closed, so I didn't get to try swimming. I'm a little disappointed. I was looking forward to making a dent in my insecurity.

I did, however, try sushi. I won't go out of my way to get more, but if it ends up on my plate in the future, I'd probably eat it.

I also must have met Moctezuma or something, 'cause my intestines haven't been the same since. (I went to Vegas with some friends this past weekend.)

Also, my friends have decided that I'm not gay. And Headquarters just sent me a letter threatening to revoke my homosexuality if I don't at least lose my virgin lips before my 26th birthday.

I'm not seeing how that's going to happen, so I'll most likely officially be straight on May 27th. So, I won't have to worry about that anymore -- I mostly just signed up 'cause I was considering trying to make it on Broadway; now that I'm focused on Ballroom... damn it!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Sushi, Skin, and Surrealism

I've decided I don't want to try sushi enough to spend money I should be using for more practical things... I know, since when am I practical?

I guess a kid's got to grow up sometime.


I am, however, going swimming this weekend. I'm actually rather anxious. You see, the last time someone other than a medical care provider saw me without a shirt was 1994.

I don't know why this triggers my anxiety so severely.

Am I that insecure? Ah, well, I'll just have to get over it.

In other news: I've found I quite enjoy writing surrealistically. I'm tempted to write an entire surrealistic book... but I don't think I could find anyone who would want to read it.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


The light was too dim to catch the drift, the latch tunnel too crowded. They cried, but in their sleeves were rancors. Meat pies filled the noise with an unbreakable slump.

And they did not back up.

Yielding would half the lisp. A hole, gretionly, would they lisp indeed -- to touch the light.

Cries and lisps, rancors and holes, eighths to dim, thus and the sang.

Burs and tears are what too dimmed the light. Cries and lisps sweat Spanish which what are too crowded the latch. But still thus and the sang and are the burs twitch weren't the tears and were in salt and half and half and hold.

And they did not back up.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Pete & Repeat were on a boat...

I say this every year, but this summer, I want to 1) learn how to swim; 2) go camping (I've never been); and 3) try sushi.

Right now, I have room in my budget to try sushi. Anyone have recommendations for a nice place in the SLC-to-Provo areas? Anyone want to join me?

In related food news: Aroma gets my recommendation.

It Scares My Legs

I scraped my leg (just above the ankle) the other day.

While rough-housing with me today, my 5 year-old nephew saw my scab and said, "Ugh... it scares my legs."

Apparently, he inherited my family's empathy pains.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I am debt free!!!

Well, I owe my parents for a bailout or two during my shop-therapy days a couple of years ago... but as for those debts that are found on one's credit report: $0 for me!

And this time there was NO bailout from anyone. Some family did help me from getting into more debt, for which I am absolutely grateful, but nobody bailed me out of the debt I was in -- just me putting my shoulder to the wheel and pushing along.

So, let's recap:

I am now down to 1/4 to 1/2 of a dose of Ambien to be able to fall asleep. I'm making significant progress weaning myself off of the double to triple doses of Halcion on which my body became dependent from more than three years of use.

I no longer need antidepressants. During the past decade, I was put on almost every antidepressant out there -- not at the same time, of course -- almost all to their maximum dosages.

I have $0 in non-familial debt, and my last debt payments were not made with family money. During the past decade, I would rack up debt after debt and would need my parents to bail me out.

On Saturday, it will be the one-year anniversary of my last suicidal thought. It was truly the closest I've ever been to killing myself because the fear of how much it would hurt to shove a dagger into my heart was not there... it was complete numbness.

I strongly believe the same thing that broke said numbness is what broke my dependency on drugs and debt:

My personal permission to follow my own heart and conscience.

Dream Cuddles

Last night, the common theme of my dreams was cuddling.

Those of you who know me on an unromantic level (so, those of you who know me) know that I tend to be very... not cuddly.

But, I have to admit, it was pretty darn nice.

I wish I knew how to take cuddling out of the "romantic zone" or the "family zone" (I cuddle often with my younger nieces and nephews) and put it into the "just friends snuggling zone."

It's rather difficult for me to think of snuggling as a 'method' of non-familial friendship-love. Maybe if I just allow some of my friends to move into the "family zone" instead of trying to readjust how I view cuddling... no, that wouldn't work, because once my nieces and nephews hit a certain age, I don't cuddle with them anymore.


It looks like I'm just going to have to wait until I have a boyfriend.

... this could take a while...



Presently (April 15th, 3:02PM Mountain Time), any word you look up on brings up the definition of "outré" :
passing the bounds of what is usual or considered proper; unconventional; bizarre.

Outré, indeed.

Soup On a Stick

As per tradition, I attended the Priesthood Session of this past LDS General Conference with the male side of my family.

At the meeting, I decided that the Church would, indeed, one day extend its fellowship to gay couples. It's simply the most natural, logical, and conclusive thing to do when the decision is based on the core Gospel principles.

Now, I'm not using the word 'core' the way the Church uses it.

To us an analogy:

Some (most?) say that water is a core need.

I say that more hydrogen and oxygen are more core of a need than water -- and, further, still protons, neutrons, and electrons are more core of a need than hydrogen and oxygen.

That is to say, the existence of water is dependent upon the existence of hydrogen and oxygen. The existence of hydrogen and oxygen are dependent upon the existence of protons, neutrons, and electrons. Etc.

The principle of eternal marriage, in my opinion, is not core to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Through Mormon lenses, I would argue than anything not explicitly found within the Book of Mormon can be core to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

That's not to say that such principles aren't true -- just that they aren't fundamental but are built upon the actual core principles which are found within the Book of Mormon.

Going back to the example of eternal marriage, such can be traced to the principle of making temporal works eternal, the sealing power -- which is taught within the Book of Mormon.

So, when I'm considering a possible doctrinal principle, I prefer to start with the principles taught within the Book of Mormon and to work up from there. Starting with secondary or tertiary principles (meaning principles which are dependent upon other principles) is flawed.

I wish most of you understood object oriented programming and were specifically familiar with the Actionscript 3 (AS3) object hierarchy.

Maybe it will make sense if I use it as an analogy anyway:

Saying that homosexual marriage is not ordained of God because heterosexual marriage is ordained of God is like saying that a Sprite is not a DisplayObject because a MovieClip is a DisplayObject.

Those of you who may be familiar with AS3 will note that not only are Sprites and MovieClips both DisplayObjects, but a MovieClip is actually a Sprite simply with a few extended methods and properties.

On that note, saying that homosexual marriage is inferior to heterosexual marriage because heterosexual marriage can produce children in and of itself -- a.k.a. because of its extended methods and properties -- is like saying that a MovieClip is superior to a Sprite because of the MovieClip's extended methods and properties.

A good programmer knows that casting an object inappropriately could have some significant consequences on performance -- such as memory and CPU usage.

In fact, with AS3, it can be EXTREMELY ineffecient to cast an object as a MovieClip instead of a Sprite when the extended functions aren't needed (yes, yes, I know, in marriage the extended functions are "needed" ; however, I've yet to see anything but circular logic to prove the need). My inference being that I think it's EXTREMELY ineffecient expecting homosexuals to be heterosexual. I mean, it can be done... but not without sacrificing a significant amount of resources.

With AS3, the program will crash if you try to cast an object as a Sprite when it's needed as a MovieClip. My inferrence here being that heterosexuals casting themselves as homosexuals is where I believe the sin of pairing with the same-sex lies, where the fatal error occurs.

God frowns on heterosexuals acting homosexually. It "crashes the system."

Using the patented Mormon justification of God's timetable: Would it not make sense for God to be extremely strict and threatening about that which causes a fatal error while begrudgingly allowing that which is inefficience until the hearts of men are ready for optimization?

Granted, I find that sort of attitude to be lazy -- it's definitely what I think when I'm being lazy as I code. I doubt God is lazy.

Homosexuals make up an estimated 2-8% of the population. So, using the AS3 code optimization analogy, for each 100 MovieClips, I would only need to go in and recast 2-8 as Sprites.

I would personally do this one of two ways: 1) Going in and manually changing them; or 2) Coding a process to find the MovieClips that should be Sprites and recast them accordingly.

This -- and you may see where I'm going with this -- would parallel a couple of God's options as far as homosexuality: 1) Personal revelation; or 2) Revelation through the General Authorities.

Now, if I'm dealing with billions of MovieClips, I would personally code up a process to find and recast the MovieClips that need only be Sprites.

I personally believe God has already "coded up a process to optimize life's code" and is constantly trying to run the program; however, until His "main processor" (the General Authorities) is able to actually receive the commands, I believe He's also going in by hand and personally revealing the appropriate object casting to those who are ready.

... if that makes any sense, I don't know...

Monday, April 13, 2009


I just found out I have a medical bill that I didn't know about.

It was the straw that broke my spirits... I am in in despair mode -- even though I'll earn the money to pay off all my debts by the end of the month, this last, "You owe $325.05," put me over the edge of feeling hopeful about my ability to get financially stable.

I know it's irrational -- I have a solid business plan -- and it's probably more sexual frustration than anything, but I just want to curl up and sleep for six months.

It's less of a depressed feeling and more of an "AARRGH!" feeling.

Those fear mongering, "Gays are out to take away our freedom" ads don't help much... and neither does the way some are flinging insults, making fun of the people who are involved in the hateful campaign.

Everyone just needs to grow up.

We're fighting for love, let's fight with love.

Yeah, yeah, I know: how corny... but, you know what, corn's good for you sometimes. Especially fresh sweet corn from the garden... drizzling in butter..., there I go again with food...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

First Draft II

Dear Family,

I realize that I haven't updated you on my pursuit of serving a mission. To sum it up, the bishop wasn't feeling very confident in endorsing me as a missionary because I support gay marriage and because I'm open and honest about my homosexual attractions (and actions... which, I thought, actually, would be a positive thing since I've never even held hands with a guy; I'm in the 99th chastity percentile of single guys my age).

About the same time I met with the bishop, my friend who has been teaching ballet for about a year asked me if I wanted to team up with her to teach dance.

I decided to go where I'm eagerly wanted, and I didn't plead my case any further with the Bishop.

Anyway, I really want to thank those of you who have been patient with and supportive of me as I've been learning how to live life unregulated by drugs (no, I'm not referring to illegal drugs) this past year. The job scene is still a tough one for me to handle, especially working under someone (I've found I have some significant issues trusting authority figures), so I'm really hoping the dance academy progresses as planned.

Things, so far, have been fantastic -- we just received our initial funding and signed a lease; the ballet student body is already built up sufficiently to at least ensure that we break even, and it's looking more and more positive that my ballroom and tap classes will do quite well (for example, I've started a class to train TAs for my ballroom classes; I was aiming for about three students, and I have twelve).

My life will probably still have some jitters and bumps and what-not as I'm still not 100% emotionally healthy and free from resentment -- in just a few days, however, it will be my one year anniversary of my last sincere suicidal thoughts -- but I think things are stabilizing more and more, and life is getting brighter and more hopeful for me every day.

I hope you all can be patient and understanding as I adjust to the light and heal after a very rough, dark, and damaging decade.

I love you all dearly,

Andrew M. Pankratz

Mon Cœur

I am more resolute than ever that I could marry a woman and make her happy, that I could please her sexually -- and even enjoy it, myself.

That being said, however, I am more resolute than ever that I could not give my heart completely to her.

My heart is molded for the hands, my hands for the heart of a man.

Tell me I am confused. Tell me I am mislead.

Blaspheme my soul.

It's all white noise muted by a quiet reassurance of who I am and for whom I am intended.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Why I've Yet to Buy It

The one argument that could win me over in regards to same-sex marriage is that a child needs both a male and a female for parents, that a child not reared by a male and a female is necessarily in deficit because and only because of the lack of either a male or a female parent.

So far, the only "evidence" provided to support the argument is purely theoretical and is not supported by what is actually happening in real life.

Those who use the argument often act as though it would be some major experiment, far too risky to make, digressing from the "traditional" family. They act as though there aren't (and have never been) any children whom we can observe and who are reared by monogamous same-sex couples.

When they do recognize such families, it's almost always with an attitude of "sure, they're great families, but [theoretically]..."

If you want to convince me to not support gay marriage, then show me hard evidence that such a marriage is necessarily less suitable to raise a child than heterosexual marriage -- not theoretical "evidence."

Furthermore, you won't be able to convince me by dangling an eternal carrot in front of my face. You won't be able to convince me by using your standards or morality (as an unrelated example, you cannot convince me not to shop on Tuesday because it is a holy day for you). You won't be able to convince me as a soothsayer.

Again, you will only be able to convince me by showing me how children being raised by homosexual couples are hurt by not being raised by heterosexual parents.

The data is there to observe; there is no experiment; no guesses have to be made.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Future Reference

Thai Curry is my favorite food.

My favorite pizza is thin-crusted and topped with the givens (cheese and sauce), pepperoni, sausage, green peppers, jalapeños, and pineapple.

... not that food is the way to my heart...

But if I have to eat, you may as well make it enjoyable for me.

It's Settled

I've decided it's definitely time for me to have a boyfriend.

Now, if only I weren't such a frickin' hermit...

Monday, April 6, 2009


... so I'm kind of a lot in trouble, financially...

I've just been ignoring the situation, but it's almost at the impossible-to-ignore stage, and I'm trying not to stress out.

If something doesn't happen soon, I'll be totally screwed, though.


I went to bed early last night; I woke up early this morning...

I do not find this agreeable.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


I don't mean to say that those who are in MOMs are selfish. I am saying that the Church's reasoning behind promoting such marriages is selfish and that I would be marrying a girl selfishly.

Doing what you believe you are supposed to do is not a selfish thing in the least bit.

Entitlement and Selfishness

I watched the last session of the LDS General Conference. Okay, so I mostly played with my niece, but I did listen to the talks being given in the background.

Dallin H. Oaks's talk really stood out to me. He talked about selfishness, and I couldn't help but think, "That's exactly why I'm probably going to marry a guy."

You see, when I ask why I am supposed to marry a woman (or expect to marry a woman), I am usually told something like: 1) It is your destiny, your heritage, your entitlement; 2) If you don't, you can't get the greatest reward in heaven; and/or 3) It's what God wants you to do.

And when I ask why it's what God wants me to do, it's usually something along the lines of: 1) Because He wants you to return to Him; or 2) He needs you to create physical bodies for His spirit children.

If you listened to Elder Oaks's talk, you'll recognize that he used extremely similar examples to show what he thinks is selfish. He said attitudes such as "I am entitled to [x]; therefore, give me [x]" and "What about my needs? You need to take care of my needs," are self centered.

So, really, when it comes to telling me that I should marry a woman, the Church is telling me that I should be selfish (so I can get what's due me as a son of God) and/or that God is selfish (caring primarily about His needs/desires*).

Now, yes, there is often selfishness involved in deciding to marry someone of the same sex... but no more-so, really, than in deciding to get married at all. That is, a lot of people marry because they are looking for some needs to be met a relationship. This is true in both the gay and straight demographics.

However, in both demographics are also found those who desire to get married to share themselves completely and whole-ly with someone else in order to form a family which family is then used to selflessly raise children to become quality members of society.

I fall into this latter group. And, frankly, in order to give myself completely to someone else -- I'm referring specifically to my heart -- the other person, in most likelihood, will have to be a man.

I would feel and have always felt completely selfish pursuing a woman.

I feel I have a lot to offer someone else, but I know a significant portion of what I can give simply and naturally isn't compatible in the hands of a woman. And when the only arguments that would have me try to make it compatible are rooted in selfishness ("I need to earn exaltation" or "God commands it because it's what He needs"), I have zero motivation to try.

*I actually do not understand the "God needs physical bodies" argument... not with Matthew 3:9 in mind, anyway.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


Suing eHarmony to match gay couples is like suing Abercrombie & Fitch to cater to dwarfs.

There are plenty of other online dating services from which to choose -- and if you don't like any of them, then start your own! Forcing a company to cater to a certain demographic is ridiculous.

Nobody has an innate right to be a customer of a private corporation.

Now we frickin' have to deal with idiots who think that eHarmony was successfully sued. eHarmony settled; they wussed out. Their decision to start a new dating site was not mandated by the courts -- and it wouldn't have been, either (not justly, anyway).

If the Church of Latter-day Saints officially uses this issue as fodder to "prove" that religious freedoms are in danger... well, there's not saying what I'm going to do -- but it will be out of complete frustration, and I'll probably regret it.

Saturday is a special day

I am bored with life right now.

Not in a bad way.

Merely in a way where I need something exciting to happen. Something crazy. Not bad-crazy. But it doesn't have to be good-crazy, either. It can definitely be something neutral-crazy.

Now, I'm not looking for something significant. Some off-the-wall, look of confusion and amusement on my face, frivolous excitement will suffice quite nicely.

I would prefer it be random... but if I have to make the excitement myself, I think I would be satisfied.

Any recommendations?


Got my pizza fix.


Thursday, April 2, 2009

Everybody's Doing It

... but I'm doing it more... (I wanted to see if I could get a common match out of four different photos):

Julian McMahon, Matthew Fox, Chuck Yeager, Bill Murray
Jon Bon Jovi, Usher, Johannes Rau, Sean Penn

Wole Soyinka, Eric Bana, Dolph Lundgren, Jesse McCartney
Russel Crowe, Orlando Bloom, Julian McMahon, Emanual Lasker

Karel Gott, John Updike, Fred Durst, Magic Johnson
Namie Amuro, Walter Mondale, Bob Dylan, Colin Mochrie

Fernando Pessoa, Christina Rica, Clark Gable, Golda Meir
Charisma Carpenter, Marcello Mastroianni, Bill Bob Thornton, Ozzy Osbourne

After the first two, I was worried that I wouldn't get any female matches... that would have really put a damper on my confidence that I would make a fabulous drag queen.

BYU Spring Festival of Nations

Ticket Lady: "Are you a student here?"

Me: "No..."

Ticket Lady: "Are you trying to grow a beard?"

Me: [puzzled] "... no..."

Ticket Lady: "You're going to have to shave."

Me: [confused] "... uh..." [figuring it out] "Right now?"

Ticket Lady: "We can't let you in unless you shave or are trying to grow a beard."

Me: [wanting to roll eyes] "Oh, I'm... trying to grow a beard."

Ticket Lady: "Good answer."


I guess I'm going to have to try to grow a beard so I don't feel guilty for lying.

Yes, I would feel guilty for lying.

Luckily (for this, anyway), I was reeled into the next community theatre show, "My Fair Lady" and was cast as Professor Zoltan Karparthy (I didn't want any speaking role; I didn't even show up for auditions, but they gave me one nonetheless).

Anyway, the character is supposed to have a beard, so, to stay an honest man, I'll try to grow one for the part. I doubt it'll pan out (I'm not a harry bloke), but all I said was that I was trying to grow a beard...

This has made me conclude that pride is an integral part of the LDS Church right now. I mean, I am not bound to the honor code of being clean shaven (and it's not like I'm slovenly; just a little scruffy). But when I'm on their grounds, I'm expected to be groomed as per their standards (to the point of it being preferable that I lie to having a little bit of hair on my face) or I'm kicked out.

It's ridiculous, really, and an extreme level of pride.

(No, I'm not angry -- I'm not speaking between gritted teeth but rolling eyes.)